| Fan Fiction |
by AlwaysMe
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/A_Me3/
Author: AlwaysMe
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://letsrockandroll-mizanimation.blogspot.com/
Title: 2/5 do you love me? If I would to ask this question to anyone, the answer will be rather yes, no, maybe, probably. These are most common trait in title so far. No stressful point and it form on rather cliché romance. No twists, no curiosity urging button and no exciting thrill. I’m not in a right position to say this title is not interesting because it depend on each individual own perspective. But to me, it is rather dull and easily missed out if it was stack together like Winglin’s case of organization. So try to find a better phrase to put up there and it would be better if it derived from the plot itself so it could give a brilliant picture on what’s the story about. Title is one of the most important thing in first impression because that’s the sole aspect the readers going to see before the forewords. So, don’t treat it lightly and try harder.
Poster/Background: 7/10 the poster are fine, nothing for me no comment there but the background are quite disturbing. It’s hard for me to read a few words and it appears troublingly random. As much as I dislike empty background, I also find background with same color with the text is quite disturbing. The best one is simple yet presentable at the same time. Doesn’t interrupt the words yet compliment the mood of the story.
Forewords: 3/10 your forewords are quite empty. No classification, no type, no genre, no summary or a little intro at all. I know this is a short one shot and it will reveal too much if you give away a summary but try to put at least quote or phrases that compliment the story well. And usually, I prefer a clean foreword but too clean is not good too. Try to look around other’s stories so you can get the idea of how the foreword should be written and try to organize them so they won’t too flashy and messy. Try to compile them by genre, background, quote/phrases, author note (AN), length etc etc. And you don’t have to put title or author in forewords because we can see them up on the page so no need to re-write the obvious info. Give only what readers need to know without exposing the surprise and try to keep it simple but not too empty.
Plot: 6/15 okie, let me get this one out, Minho like Suhjin and she likes him too but they afraid to tell each other because they don’t want to destroy the friendship. But at last they confess to each other anyway and get married and finally have a cute baby. So wholly, I can say that they live happily ever after. Story like this is very common and the theme of love is doubly overused. So usually, twist or action could help to improve a common plot based on writer’s own imagination but you missed it here. You just write a common, fairy-tale love story with no interesting scene and rare drama. So try to varieties the component of your plot with action, twist or bitter sweet scene to put a race to the reader’s heart and enhance the liability of enjoyment.
Flow: 5/10 you flow is too fast. You fast forward scene too much that I bare have any time to get one scene before jumping to the next. You didn’t elaborate properly and point things out with no supporting scene to make it right. This impairs your time span, making it appear too fast. Try not to rush the story line too much and try to elaborate more to extend the time frame and increase the understanding of readers. Make valuable flashback to help it out or maybe you could give more space for the ending to take up it place properly before the curtain fall.
Creativity/Originality: 3/15 as I said, this is an overused term of romance story with no creative action, scene or plot twist. But I give a few marks because not all story is the same 100 percent, you still have your own way of writing it, but you just need to put a little effort in making a good scene.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabularies: 6/10 I’ve seen the previous reviews at your update so I don’t think I need to point all of them out but there are a few that I want to point out. Let’s take a look at this.
1) Suhjin sat on the bench at the park.”Wow! today is hot!”.Her phone vibrated and she took out her phone.There is one new message
(Correction: Suhjin sat on the bench at the park. “Wow! Today is hot!” Her phone vibrated and she took out her phone. There was one new message. Note: Don’t put period (.) after a quotation mark because you supposed to put it inside, but since you already use exclamation mark, period is unneeded. Also watch your spacing. Put space when after comma, period or when the words end and today supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence. Also, watch your past tense. You wrote the story in past tense so ‘is’ should be ‘was’.)
2) After reading the message,she laugh.She didn’t reply the message and now,she is heading to Choi Minho’s house.
(Laugh should be in past tense and don’t forget to put space between ‘she’ and the previous sentence and watch your spacing comma.)
3) He said and suhjin laugh
(Correction: He said and Suhjin laughed.)
4) “Too late!” Minho said and laugh.”Meanie..”But he just smile.
(Correction: “Too late!” Minho said and laughed. “Meanie…” But he just smiled. Note: Ellipsis (…) can only appear in a set of three, not more, not less.)
5) I’m afraid this will broke our friendship.i don’t want to lose my best friend.
(Broke should be break because it haven’t occured yet and I should be in capital letter because it’s a special noun.)
6) “Bytheway,Suhjin..”
(Put space in “By the way, Suhjin…” Also, watch out for your ellipsis and capitalization.)
7) “I wanna tell you that I like you..but I’m afraid..this will broke our friendship..i don’t wanna lose you.”She said.
(I don’t mind short form such wanna, kinda etc in dialogue because it’s a lingo. But mind your ellipsis again, spacing, capitalization and past tense. Again, broke should be break.)
Characterization: 6/10 your story flow is too fast for the character to develop and even though you only have like 4 characters but the main characters ( Minho and Suhjin) should have enough space for them to properly introduce themselves. Lack of elaboration and more of dialogue causes of this problem so try to balance it up because elaboration is as much as important as dialogue and it can give a glimpse of characters to make their role much clearer.
Writing Style: 6/10 you have a few choppy words and incomplete sentences here and there and your writing style is simple. Even though it’s good and easy to understand but too simple can also affect your sentence. The clauses and predicate to each subject are not enough and it could make the sentences seem short and lost. So try to practice your elaboration skill and how to construct good clauses of sentences to make it more interesting. I also can see that you like to use simple words instead of experimenting with rare and complicated ones and I realize that it won’t be any of good if no one understand what are you trying to say by using big words but try to use a few anyway because it can help you to increase your English skill and proficiency of wide range of vocabulary. And it also can make your story appear more interesting and enjoyable.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I’m not too keen of romance story but I like to see what the writers could bring by this overused term. I enjoy rare, twisted love story that not too mushy but realistic. I’m sorry that I can’t enjoy your story much but that doesn’t matter because I’m sure some people find your story much interesting and enjoyable. You just need to experiment with a few scenes and action or maybe put a little twist to make your story more original and creative. However, I can see the potential in you, so try your best and good luck!
Sub Total: 46/100
Bonus: 2/5
1) Because I can see your effort and I really appreciate that you actually spend some times to write and improve your skill.
2) Because I submit this review late because of a few unexpected circumstances. Apologies for that.
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My Real marks[usually,what i got at school].
Thanks for the review!^^