| Fan Fiction |
by Moon Mistress
Titles/Main Artists: 12/25
Avoid adding emoticons within the title of the story, even if it's after the story has been completed. I would also point out that, even if a majority of the readers of the story are fans, not everyone knows who "Bebu" is. Avoid using name concatenations unless you specify who both artists are.
Flow of Story: 17/25
Even for the length of the one-shot, there were many times where I found the story was moving a bit too slowly.
Time Skips/Flashbacks: 30/30
I'd consider the beginning, in a way, a sort of a flashback, and was rather unique in its usage.
Symbols/Emoticons: 15/25
Even if just in the forewords, and even if just in author's notes, there was a smiley at almost the end of every paragraph within the text of the notes.
Grammar: 15/40
This contradicts with your vocabulary, which was beautiful. I find in many occasions that you end and start sentences incorrectly, and also, a couple of other things I'd like to point out.
- "...remaining single at such an age. While the entire horde of relatives...passage to freedom." starting at 'While,' that sentence becomes a fragment unless you combine both but switching the period of the sentence before with a comma, and de-capitalizing while, making it all one sentence.
- "...he was not attracted to her. But that totally did not mean that they could not get married, surely you wouldn’t..." 'But of course' or 'but alas' are like the only acceptable ways to begin a sentence with 'But.' 'Surely' should be the started a new sentence. How it is written makes it seem like a run-on.
- "Although Hebe knew that her marriage was sterile and...newly-weds but she accepted that as she knew that once her studies were completed..." the use of both the words 'but' and 'although' makes the sentence redundant.
- "Just then her phone rang distracting her train of thoughts" Although, when read the first time, no one would mind, it would be better to put a comma after 'rang' for it seems to just keep running on.
Was it just me, or did they seem a little robotic when they spoke at times. I see when they speak, you sometimes use the word 'don't' which is a contraction for the two words 'do not,' but at your writing level, I'm sure you're familiar with other contractions, such as 'I'm' for 'I am' or 'you're' for 'you are' I found two occasions in which some contractions were used in the sentence when he says "I don’t really know...I am very busy." I only subtracted probably like two points for this, since I'm sure in everyday language, for dialogue purposes, one would go ahead and say 'I'm' rather than 'I am' but that's just me.
Diction/Size of Vocabulary: 33/35
Definitely some of the best word usage I've seen on winglin.
Organization of Plot: 25/30
Well organized, but just the minor detail of probably going a bit too slow.
Dialogue: 30/40
Not really anything I could say about this, since there was, what, 7 lines of dialogue?
Author's Note Usage: 15/30
If only your emoticons weren't there...
Others: 20/20
Nothing else I had to comment on.
Bonus: +5
+5 - despite that fact that I'm no fan of C-Pop, I actually did quite enjoy this story to some extent. Nice job.
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Score: 217/300
Grade: C-
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Yep, so what do you think of this review? To a certain extent, I believe that I deserved the marks deducted for format... But then again, that doesn't mean that I will stop using my smileys xD Hahaha... too bad, I can't express my feelings and emotions using words. Hahah...
But anyways, I have just started working there and I personally think that their style of reviewing is rather cool... so if any of you would like, you could request there! =D
Moon Mistress