| Fan Fiction |
by heartsong
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“Ella,” Hebe whispered, “Ella, it’s time to stop crying, honey.”
I sobbed harder into the pillow we’d bought then left at her house for good. I couldn’t feel, couldn’t understand any other emotion other than the pain I was going through.
“Ella,” Hebe coaxed, her soft voice soothing me and calming me down. I wasn’t sure that I had any tears left. I looked up at her. My cheeks felt stiff from all the tears that had coursed down their plains.
Hebe looked right back at me, her black eyes shining in honesty.
“So are you going to tell me what happened?” She asked, and I gave way to a fresh batch of tears as I struggled to find the right words to express this onslaught of violent emotions.
I couldn’t find any.
To see the man you loved fall in love with another girl was completely normal. But to see the man you tried to deny you loved fall in love with your beautiful sister, to see this fact completely supported by your parents and have no one know a single thing was just too much to take in one go.
I couldn’t describe the way I felt.
“He’s in love with Ariel,” I blubbered, then the words brought a fierce realization to me – he was in love with my sister; and that meant I would never be as important anymore; he would never go out with me alone, would never come over to my house when I was sick just to see me, and me alone; anymore.
And if they got married – my breath caught my throat; no, I didn’t want to think that far.
But if they did?
The small thought persisted at the back of my mind, and I fervently refused it, pushed it away. Still it refused to leave, that nagging possibility that only pushed harder at the barriers I’d stacked on it and fought its way through. No, I did not want to think of it. But if they did get married – the only coherent thought I could form was that I’d have to be the bridesmaid. There was no other way to it.
Predictably, Hebe’s mouth dropped and I only wept harder. How was I to face him from now on?
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“Ella,”
I turned and met his eyes, my own brown ones darkened with panic. What was he going to ask me? I had hidden in the washroom half the day, crying my eyes out until I couldn’t take it anymore and requested for sick leave. What was he doing here? Did he actually care, then?
“Can I – uh, send –” He gestured wildly, confused and befuddled about why I was so quiet.
My voice nearly disappeared. I swallowed past the lump that had formed and nodded, understanding his intentions. I didn’t say a word to him if I could help it, answering his questions with nods or mono-syllabic answers. I couldn’t do much more. There was only so much more I could take.
This was the first time, walking with him, that I became painfully aware of my surroundings in an effort to distract myself. There was the sweet whiff of pies from the bakery just across the road; the red hibiscuses in all their glory among green leaves. They stood out, a contrast – the flowers against their family, the scent from the rest of the exhaust fumes in the air. I wondered if one would ever get tired of standing out this way, exactly how I’d gotten tired of giving in to Ariel and behaving the way I was; exactly how, though I hated to admit it, I’d wished Ariel would get tired of winning me.
This was only the second thing I was losing to her, but it was the most important thing, almost the core of my existence. And it would be the last.
He didn’t even notice something was wrong; he had that stupid goofy grin plastered all over his face.
It only got bigger when my sister answered the door again. My heart plummeted to the pits of my stomach, and I lowered my gaze so I wouldn’t have to witness the sight. My mother came barreling to the door, a wide grin on her face as she let them in. I trailed in slowly, behind the both of them. As soon as I had reached the stairs, I took two at a time, slamming my bed-room door behind me.
I don’t think anyone noticed if anything was wrong. I looked fine on the outside. But inside was a whole different story. My heart was palpitating, I was breathing so hard I could get an attack anytime, and I couldn’t feel.
My skin felt cold and clammy, and I felt like I’d swallowed a rock I couldn’t get down; it was in my throat.
My mum was banging on my door, screaming for me. I couldn’t speak. Desperate, I swallowed hard a few times before I found my voice and managed to tell her I didn’t want to eat. Her voice softened as she told me to open my door and I let her in.
“What’s wrong?”
I shook my head, over and over again until she stopped asking and left me by myself. I hugged my knees to myself and wondered, for the very first time, if I should let my sister win again.
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“So, uh, Ariel,” he cleared his throat, “Do you have, uh, a boyfriend…or something?”
She shook her head shyly, eyes averted on her food.
Then, for lack of a better topic, she turned to her mother and asked where Ella was.
The question hit Chun like a log into his chest.
-
I didn’t realise how quiet Ella had been all the way home until Ariel mentioned her. She’d been quiet as a mouse, unlike her usual cheery self. I was worried initially, but had pushed it to the back of my mind when Ariel’s lovely face surfaced. I felt a tad guilty; felt like I was using Ella. But she wouldn’t mind, would she? I was her best friend, and this concerned my future happiness. Surely Ella wouldn’t mind? I wanted to see her. But that could wait – Ariel was trying to tell me something.
-
He turned towards the girl on his left and concentrated on every word that came through her lips in melodic overtones, washing over him in what he pictured to be pleasant rays of gold and white.
He smiled at her, at the way her eyes twinkled eagerly. He used to question Ella’s decision of letting Ariel go overseas to study in her place, but now he saw why the former loved Ariel so much.
How could anyone not love her? She was the epitome of perfection. She had a Master’s degree and was on her way to getting her doctorates. She was pretty and soft spoken and feminine. She was just perfect.
Chun decided there and then that he would never let such a gem go.
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Half an hour later no one else had come up to my room, and I could hear his familiar laughter float up the stairs to taunt me where I sat comfortably on my bed. I had no idea what to do next.
My stomach was churning and my gastritis was acting up again. The thing was: I wouldn’t go down to eat, not even if the grim reaper came and held his sickle to my throat. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear it.
-
I was still there, staring out of my window, past the tops of the trees. My eyes were averted on the black sky that spoke stories of night and of the stars that did not bloom across our country’s heavens.
I thought of how anyone could possibly miss the dark that night bestowed us. Everywhere you went in this city there were neon lights and street lamps, so you’d never get lost on the roads; so it’d be safer to travel. These lights outshone, literally, the darkness that night was supposed to be. I’d been to places where the sky was dark, and there were no lights around.
The only thing that lit the sky was stars, thousands, millions of them.
Maybe the sole reason why stars never did appear in this country was because we decided we didn’t need them, not anymore.
Maybe they knew.
What I am trying to say, after everything, is simply that if we decided we needed the stars again, and took down all the lights, they would still be there, shining faithfully in the dark.
They were, after all, just outshone by illusions of Faith and Fate.
How did I know?
I was a star, and Ariel was a neon banner.
Chun – he represented the people who had decided they no longer needed stars; the people who had put the shimmering flames out with a burst of neon and fluorescent lights. I was a star outshone by the lights he chose to have.
But I was a star that could, and would wait.
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heartsong