| Fan Fiction |
by heartsong
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What was it with me that he didn’t like? Was I too fat, too boyish, too loud, too uncouth? Was I too comfortable around him and not demure enough?
Or was I, simply put, not as good as my sister?
It didn’t take too long after Chun and Ariel became a couple for me to realise that not only did I become less important; it was as though I had disappeared from his life forever. It was a sad fact – one that broke me time and time again, over and over.
I couldn’t stress it enough.
I was overwhelmed and couldn’t bring myself to paint anything remotely optimistic. My brush would sweep over the canvas in bold shades of red, or dull grey hues occasionally broken by black or white.
There were no other bright colours. Red was there because it reminded me of him, of his passion, of his undying flame of love.
For Ariel, no less.
Only one who had ever been in such a situation would understand how I could not stop loving him. It was too complex to explain – the way he still grabbed my hand to pull me against him and give me a hug; the way his voice would drift like silk over my ears, so that after he had spoken I could not remember a word, save for the way he uttered my name.
I couldn’t tell you, to save my life, how his hand rested on the small of my back – the warmth of his palm seeping into my nerves and up my whole body – when we walked, how I pretended to be dizzy so that he would support me; how the hours spent in the lectures and lessons were the best times ever, because when Chun forgot about Ariel for that period of time, his attention was on me.
That was when I felt like I was the one he loved. But all those gestures – the way he touched me, the way he would peck me on the cheek in greeting; they were there all the while.
He stopped doing that when he and Ariel went on their most recent date. I missed his touch, but I couldn’t say so.
He wouldn’t even hold my hand while we were walking to classes anymore.
But what right did I have to miss the warm feel of his skin against mine?
It seemed like Ariel’s natural birthright now, to have him with her every second of the day, whether it was on the phone or through texts.
He’d be in class and texting her; walking back to the dorms or another class and he’d call her or text her. I couldn’t stand to be near him anymore so I stuck close to Hebe whenever I could. She took a course in Language.
Whenever I saw her in corridors, I would rush over, anxious to get away from Chun and his sickly sweet; and mushy talk – to Ariel. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it was me he was talking to – but that could never happen. My stomach coiled into itself every time he dialed her number, and I would taste the sour tang of acid on my tongue. Bile rose up my throat, but there wouldn’t be anything to vomit.
I had pretty much stopped eating these days. I didn’t have the appetite to.
But the less I ate, the fatter I seemed to grow.
I looked at myself in the mirror, smoothing my hands down the sides of my shirt, made out of some clingy fabric. I watched as my face distorted and crumpled until there were lines all over – forming miniature banks that rivers of tears came through and flooded.
Biting my lower lip, I continued staring as I sank onto the hard floor of my bed room and wondered what had happened. I looked rounder than ever, and as I ripped my top off, I could not bear to look into the mirror. I was drowning, now, in a huge black shirt and baggy track pants.
But I would rather it be this way, than having to look at myself in fitting attire, and marvel at how fat I’d become even though I didn’t eat.
I buried my face in my hands and cried, cried.
I breathed in and released a huge, shuddering sob that shook my entire frame.
I could hear the door bell ring and I saw Ariel prance out to the gate in a short skirt and a tank top.
She was slim, so slim…
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At some point in the dark, lonely night – I couldn’t tell exactly when – I started to dream of my Prince Charming as a rose I had to handpick.
A red rose among a thousand others, without thorns. But I couldn’t know because I couldn’t see their stems.
And then I dreamt that I had picked a rose that didn’t prick me. Its name was Chun – Like spring.
I was overjoyed.
In the dream, I was admiring its smooth stem – running my fingers up and down the green, firm extension.
But it was wilting. Its petals were turning black and one dropped, then another. I placed it in a glass of water, desperate to do whatever I could to save it.
It grew thorns.
The next time I picked in up and out of the water, my fingers had started to bleed into the vase of clear water, tinting it a clear, faint red – the most beautiful crimson in the world I had ever seen. Yet as I watched the water swirl, the red disappeared and the water was clear yet again.
I gasped – but I didn’t drop the rose.
I couldn’t; I loved it with all my heart.
My fingers continued to bleed, but I still didn’t let go.
I refused, as it was, to continue searching for the right rose. I’d been told of such a rose, which did not grow thorns until you kept it in water; and picked it back up again. I’d been told of the hurt it would bring along with it, the amount of blood it would take away.
But I would not let it go.
When I woke up, I couldn’t do anything but wonder, in fascination, why it was my heart that was bleeding instead of my fingers.
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He could see the clear glow of her eyes over the candle light, and how the centers of the irises were blazing with a yellow gold from the flames.
My god, was she beautiful.
He smiled at her, and she smiled right back. They’d just finished dinner and were waiting for the bill. He wouldn’t ever get tired of staring at her.
He reached over the table and closed his hand over her small, slim fingers. She blushed visibly.
“Ariel…”
She looked up timidly, demurely; coyly.
He smiled absentmindedly, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand in lazy, concentric circles.
“I didn’t see Ella at home today, is she out with her boyfriend?”
Ariel stiffened.
“No, she isn’t.”
Which fool couldn’t see the way her sister looked at Chun? Which fool couldn’t see that her sister was absolutely and thoroughly in love Chun?
She had to keep her away from Chun.
Chun was the only thing – other than that university thing – that she had over Ella; that she knew Ella wanted and she had.
It made her feel powerful – in control.
Chun dropped the topic when she pulled her hand away.
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I had, by this time, run out of tears and energy.
I might just run out of pain anytime now, seeing as how it had hurt so much the past few days.
My stomach called to me in its pain. I felt the empty, aching void; and I could feel the acids in my stomach eating away at nothingness.
The pain was subsiding along with the hunger.
My stomach growled.
Once, twice.
I pressed a hand over my abdomen as though it would stop the noise.
It hurt; it hurt.
Physically, emotionally, not being good enough.
I was tired, I thought lazily; I was sleepy.
Sleep, my sweet, sleep.
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Sorry my dears, I am sneaking onto the computer under the pretxt of doing homework so I can't reply your comments just yet for fear that my mum will come in. I'll have to do a hit and run. You know, where I hit you with a car and drive of while you guys bleed for Ella? Ohmygoose, I am sadistic. Well there you go lovelies, another chapter.
As promised: This one's for you, Sarah My farling. I love you so and cheer up(: