| Fan Fiction |
by heartsong
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Do you know what it is like to look at a place and wonder how you could have missed all the tiny details in the whole duration you’d been there? Or what it’s like to stare at someone and suddenly realise that his face has become totally unfamiliar? Or to even caress the outline of his jaw, only to realise the planes of his face have totally changed, leaving a blank landscape you have to relearn?
I’d crept to Chun’s house in the dead of the night and was sitting beside him, relearning the contours of his face. This was the face I had come to love.
I smiled, holding back a sniffle; a tear that would release a million others.
I would not allow myself to waver, not right now, not when my sister needed this shred of happiness Chun could offer.
It did not matter, right now, what he had said, what we had shared. It had only been a small sliver of hope.
I would crush it, the way I was crushing a million other dreams, a million others hopes, to help Ariel truly be happy.
I was doing this not so that the world would see me as a noble woman, but so that Ariel would really be happy. In the past few months he had been with her, I had turned into a hollow-cheeked, unrecognizable monster whom I had learned to love.
I had seen Ariel transform into a beautiful swan, the glow of happiness radiating off her skin. I had decided, once and for all, that I would not be the one to take it away from her.
I did not love myself. I knew it more than anyone did. I could not love myself. I would sit still in the dead of the night, counting seconds, counting hours. I would sit until I was fully aware of the fabric rubbing against my skin, until I could sense a dirtiness that wasn’t there.
I would scrub at myself, hoping that in some way some one would notice something was wrong.
I would starve, wanting to be slim. I would tell myself, just six more, six more pounds. It never stopped.
It wouldn’t.
When someone finally did notice my dark secret, I realised that in reality all I really wanted was Chun—for him to care and pull me up from this dark abyss. I wanted Chun and Chun alone.
Yet, I did not want to give up this dark secret—the closest replacement I had of happiness. I’d fought so hard to attain this and despite my fears, no one would take it away from me.
When I left, nothing would change for me. I would not be here to see the sad faces; nor would I be here to let them stop me from doing what I wanted.
I did not know I had started to cry until I felt someone kiss lightly at my tears, trying to take the burden of my sorrow.
I looked up, and into the eyes of the one I wanted – the ones who could truly make things right if only we both chose to be selfish.
“Ella,” he entreated, “Tell me why you’re crying,”
I shook my head, unable to express myself properly.
How could you tell someone you’d loved all your life that you’d be leaving him – when he had just realised he loved you, too, all along? How would you tell him that you were giving up any chance of letting this love happen, without even seeking his opinion?
I shook my head again, already backing out of the bedroom door.
He reached for me, a plea; a bargain.
“Ella?”
“I’m leaving,” I whispered, a breathless announcement that shattered whatever feelings Chun had for me – I could see it in his eyes.
“We’ll make this work, I promise. Please don’t run away, I’ll find a way to make this work, I love you, Ella, I really do.”
I cried, unable to suppress my emotions, unable to speak at his broken confession.
I cannot not do this. I shouldn’t have come. I can’t, I’m sorry.
I love you too.
There was so much I wanted to say. But where would I begin? And could I stop it from going further?
Most importantly, would I be the one to break my sister’s heart?
I chose the cowardly way out – I would not stay to watch him fall to pieces because of me. I would not stay to watch my sister be broken by a man she loved as much as I did.
Chun leaned in – and pressed his lips tenderly to mine. I was filled with an aching sorrow, a longing that had not – and would not abate, no matter how much I believed so.
I closed my eyes, feeling my emotions wash over me. I kissed him back.
I allowed my lips to move, fervently, against his. I curled my arms around his neck and drew him closer, as he positioned one hand at the small of my back, hugging me to him.
I could feel. I could feel how closely we fit together – how perfect we were together. We were made to be together. I kissed him with all I had, abandoning my concerns and my thoughts. This was the sweet, dragging need that would be my downfall. I allowed him to pull me closer, closer still.
We were made to be like this, I thought, and I cried.
I could feel his thumbs on my cheek, tenderly wiping the stray tears away.
This was what I wanted.
But this was also what I was running away from.
“Ella,” he begged, “Please don’t leave. I swear, I’ll make this work.”
I shook my head and backed out of the doorway, sprinting back home where my suitcase was waiting for me.
I was leaving. I was leaving this place, really leaving.
I dreamt of something beautiful last night.
I saw a star lit sky, where dozens of stars winked to life, blazing above the cityscape.
And then, a butterfly – twirling its way into oblivion.
And then I was lying on the grass, counting stars with Chun.
I did not see his face, but somehow I knew it was him.
I took one last look at the place I had come to love, and I forced myself out of the door.
Mother and Father did not know anything about this. They only knew that I was going somewhere for a break from my studies. I promised to come back for Chun and Ariel’s wedding ceremony, and they let me go.
I would be leaving for France.
I had connections there, and I wasn’t going to be gone for very long. He did not have to know that, of course.
Hebe was coming with me. She had insisted, thinking that I would not be able to take care of myself if I was there alone.
There was nothing left for me here.
I would come back, but only time would tell when.
Who knew if I was going to break my promise to Ariel, if I was ever going to come back for her wedding?
No one even knew where I would be going.
No one had to know.
No one would know, other than Hebe. She was my strength, my support. And who could deny her when she had insisted to come along?
I drew one last shuddering breath and dragged myself out of the familiar doorway.
This was no longer home.
I would be staying with Hebe for a few days while the rest of the things were finalized. I had not bid goodbye to my family, and had instead told them the wrong flight timings.
I did not want anyone to see me off. That would be too much to take.
I was silent as I rode to Hebe’s house in a cab that would later bring us to the airport, where we would then escape from this place.
“Are you sure about this, Ella?” Hebe asked quietly. I nodded, and she said no more.
We had come to a silent agreement that escape, at this juncture, would be the best solution.
But she did not know about the last kiss that Chun and I had shared, just hours before, in the still darkness of his bedroom, where I had whispered, over and over, that I loved him; where I had listened to my own voice, broken and hoarse with grief, and yet repeating the same words, like a broken recorder.
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Enjoy!
Heartsong