| Fan Fiction |
by Kinra
Why wasn't I able to convey to you?
My feelings that were growing everyday and night
The words begin to overflow
But I know they won't reach you now
From the first day that I met you
I felt like I knew you
And the two of us melded together so naturally
Wherever we would go, it would be together
It was so natural for you to be with me
We became adults together
But you chose a different road
Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here (but not anymore)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last Friday.
Is this is how I should describe this feeling? Like there’s no tomorrow. No hope left to the other day. And the most ironic part was that we met the same day as we parted. Friday.
I didn’t know how the days passed after. I was unconscious of time. I couldn’t say a word because I was afraid that the lump in my throat will leap and I’ll burst into tears again.
I knew from the beginning that it is wrong for me to fall for him, that we had no future and still I was lying to myself, hoping that everything will be okay. Now it’s time to pay the price.
All the weekend I simply lied curled up in bed, not moving, not eating, just staring at one spot.
Then there was Monday and I had to study and work, but I couldn’t. I knew that everything would remind me of him and I needed to forget to erase every memory, every smile of his, like the time we passed together didn’t exist. But this was too hard. I couldn’t keep this feeling, but I couldn’t throw it away either, because he was still precious to me.
After three or four days I jumped from my bed and started to clean my entire apartment as crazy. I realized I had to do something, because my body was already aching from lying in the same position for days. I had to live as nothing ever happened even if I had no clue why or what’s the purpose for keeping my hopeless existence. So the next day I went to work.
-Hi, Alex! Where were you all this time?-my colleague Maki asked.
-Oh, I had problems with my health…
-Eulgia already told us that, but I hoped you’ll come back faster, boss was a bit mad at first, but since it’s your health I guess everything’s okay,-she smiled at me.
I remembered the girl with injured boyfriend that I helped back then. This time you saved me, Eulgia, I would be already fired.
She came into staff room and I thanked her for covering me.
-But seriously, what happened to you?
-Nothing special…
-Is this because of some jerk?
-In some way.
-I broke up with mine too, you know they are all the same, running after every bitch with shorter skirt then yours…We are having a party with friends tonight, to recover our broken bodies and hearts, you should join, It’s fun to forget everything and loose control from time to time,-she said.
I admit I liked the last sentence, even if these kinds of things never suited me.
-Okay, you are right, I need to get away from this shit.
I didn’t attend classes today either because I decided to work longer and stay with Eulgia that we could go to the party together.
When the time came, we drove with her old car through the unfamiliar streets.
We stopped by a building which looked like garage or store, I wasn’t sure.
We went indoors and I started regretting for coming. The place was full of people I didn’t know they were dancing by loud r’n’b music and drinking.
Everyone was watching me and saying hi to Eulgia.
-Enjoy yourself, - she said while taking a bottle of vodka,-For booze, sex and fun,-she shouted the toast and drank till the last drop,-go on! What are you waiting for?
-If you say so…for freedom then,-I said and swallowed with one shot. My throat started burning and I felt warm flames in my stomach.
We drank and danced, and drank again until I couldn’t follow my moves, everything seemed so surreal: lights, music, dancing bodies…my head was dizzy and I don’t know how I reached the room and knocked off on the bed, but when I opened my eyes I saw a guy making out with two girls right beside me. I needed to get out, but my body couldn’t move and I just looked at them as they continued to fuck each other. One of the girls leaned to me and kissed me deeply, she started unbuttoning my dress and I needed all my strength to push her away and get up from the bed. I headed to bathroom because I needed to fresh up. After I washed my face I heard Eulgia shouting my name.
-Where were you?
-Right here,-I said breathlessly.
-Come,-she took me to the rooftop and the first thing I saw was smoke coming from big handmade cigarettes.
-Are they smoking weed?-I laughed because my voice seemed so strange.
-They have pretty much everything from light shit to deep shit,-she laughed too and we joined the circle.
Every evening started to become like this and every morning begun to bring headaches to me.
I didn’t cared thought. At first I hoped to forget everything, but actually I just wasn’t thinking. My mind already had a code what to do.
Morning: gaining money for rent and parties (even if I was a guest to my own apartment already)
Evening: spending the gained money for fun.
I’m sure it wasn’t fun at all, but killing my neurons and memory with alcohol was better than pitying myself and grieving for nothing that wasn’t worth it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------