| Fan Fiction |
by Kinra
My headache seemed to achieve such level of soreness that I couldn’t even think.
Mission accomplished then, huh?
My drinking hard yesterday had its consequences this morning of course.
I wasn’t surprised of spiteful taste in mouth nor of the bruises on my body, which were caused by my constant ‘hit the wall’ act.
I always remembered everything after such nights, maybe because I was able to stay conscious all the time.
Anyway, yesterday was an exception.
Every moment, every memory came like flash backs to me when I woke up from my nightmares. Nevertheless, I wished I wouldn’t have opened my eyes, because every recollection hurt ten thousand times more then wounds on my body.
***
I was strolling about the streets alone; remembering school times, when everything doesn’t seemed so difficult. But I made it myself I guess, because every thing has consequences and if you’ll struggle too much, of course you’ll get caught. And now I guess it was the right thing to describe it. I was caught, caught in crime place; like God is making me realize that I should already hit the brakes and stop fooling around. At first I was a calm boy and when I felt that I’m finally breaking the loose, I couldn’t do much as to enjoy every moment. Even if I was drinking, lying in bed, that I never saw before or simply racing with time in my car, everything was cool; I was free, free of my actions but not of my mind and soul.
I didn’t really care back then and every day I was simply postponing reality away from myself.
But something changed and I know who’s that something.
Simply by looking at her eyes I could feel the difference of being a man and just a plain puppet.
I could feel real. I could feel myself, because there was nothing to be afraid of. She greeted me the way I was, and never told me to change, do something different or teach me, as others did. She accepted me.
I felt poor at that time, poor because I couldn’t boast at nothing more then my apartment, car or money. I don’t know how’s that possible, but she enriched me. Day by day. Every her text message or call made to think what I can tell to her, and when I realized that it’s just shows and such, it frightened me. Am I that hollow? Anyway, she didn’t care, and I don’t know what she saw in me, because there really was nothing to hook up about. Despite the times when she wasn’t there with me, I still could feel her presence, because everything I did after we met, was because I wanted to show her what kind of a man I can be, that she can be proud of me, and think ‘he’s my man’ . Sure I missed her light skin, her sweet scent and tender touch. But longing for her made me even more exited, in my mind I even counted the days and left events after what’s, I could finally see her.
And when I did met her everything seemed like a tale. Now I could feel what real freedom was. Freedom to be yourself, freedom to explore yourself.
I don’t know if you can call it love, I never felt it before and I can not be sure now. I don’t know is this feeling should be warm and soft or ripping apart. Besides it’s just few days, that I know her and everything’s so fast, that sometimes it seems I can’t keep up with the speed, it just flows like no one of us could really control it.
I wasn’t ready to part with her and I don’t know if I ever would be able. But image of her leaving me hit me like 10 tons van and I was paralyzed to do something.
Maybe I was thinking too much if I should fight for her or let her go. In some way I wanted with every my cell to run after her when she left with broken heart. But I couldn’t.
I knew that soon I will depend on her, I’ll need to see her every day, to feel her presence. But I also knew that I won’t be able to, not just because of my schedule and events, I knew that we won’t be allowed to be together, that the world was against it before it even started. Maybe I was a fool that I already let it go too deep, because it was already hurting too much, but if I would kept her in my arms, won’t it be even harder later?
And if to be truly honest with myself, I had doubts. What if I won’t make her happy, what if it ends like scandal or something? Moreover, I faired to loose my independence, because I knew I would do whatever she says to me, and it made me feel weak. I was already the youngest member in the band and I always had to try harder to prove others that I’m capable to be in DBSK. So after such attempts I couldn’t be weak and fragile, like feelings for her caused me to be.
Suddenly my vibrating phone woke me up from my thoughts.
-Hey Changmin, are you dumb or what?!
-What shit are you talking Xiah?
-What shit?! I’ll tell you shit! Today I spend my whole free and supposed to be happy day arranging people to come to my gorgeous and amazing party, do I even have to tell how much I’m going to spend on drinks and make you all fuckin’ happy? But no, we have some kingkas here who need special invitation. Yunho disappeared in thin air, JaeJoong is totally ignoring me and if you are going to say that you’re not going to bring your fucking ass here, I promise I’ll make it hurt so much you won’t even bother to sit anymore!
-Then why are you doing it if no one really cares?
-Because I’m a good person, Changmin, I’m a fucking good person, and if you don’t want to know how bad I can turn, you better be there!
And he hung up.
Yeah, an interesting way to invite someone, don’t you think so?
I drove back to club and Xiah was already waving to me at the front door.
-I knew you’ll come!
-You know you’re pissing me off; I’m not in the mood to party.
-That’s the main reason why we have to party then, after couple drinks I’m sure you’ll be fine and hooking up the girl again,-he said taking me to the bar and handing me a glass of something I was not sure yet.
-You know I’m not looking for girls either. It’s a bad idea,-I said and gulped liquid, which warmed my throat instantly.
-I don’t get you Changmin. You are not willing to fight for that girl, but you’re not letting her go also. You have to make up your mind, either you search for her and plead for forgiveness on your knees, either you simply forget her and have fun tonight. I’m sure you’ll find help here, - he said while watching a girl with mini skirt passing by.
If I’m already here I can at least drink on Xiah bill. So I ordered few drinks and let worries to drown for this night.
Soon people were pouring to the ‘Cassiopeia’ and little by little I was getting drunk.
Xiah disappeared but I wasn’t alone, because some girls always tried to talk with me or ask me to dance, I didn’t bother to look at them.
-Give me something strong and make it double, - a girl with familiar voice said to the barmen.
-Wrong day, Tiff?-I asked not knowing why; I wasn’t really interested how was her day, but I guess I couldn’t hold my tongue between my teeth already, since drinks were making me dizzy.
-It doesn’t seem you had a good day yourself. We had a fight with Yuri.
-WE?
-I mean I had a fight with Yuri, she’s pissing me off with her cute lovey dovey goodness.
-Hmm, she’s pretty,-I said because I wanted to irritate her.
-Sure she is, if I would have boobs massage everyday I would be too!
-So no one is massaging you boobs Tiff? - I said pouring whiskey into my glass.
- It shouldn’t concern you.
-But didn’t you like Hero? You were falling for him right?
-It shouldn’t concern you either,-she said.
-Yeah you did…Why do you think he’s not accepting your love, huh? Is it because of the age gap? Or maybe you’re not good enough? Maybe you can’t swing you ass the way other girls do or maybe…maybe you’re just not a good fucker. Haven’t you thought about it? - I laughed drinking. I know I sounded like a jerk, but this time I had no intentions to seduce a girl, like I would always do, so I just let myself to act whatever I want.
-Everyone knows I fuck well.
-Sure, sure…-I chuckled, because somehow everything seemed so funny to me,-hey, Jack can you give me Xiah special?
-Mister, I think you shouldn’t…
-Come on he didn’t created it just to lie there!
Barmen rolled his eyes and gave me limpid drink who soon started bubbling after the pill was placed right were it belonged to.
-Fuck! Changmin, what are you doing?-Tiffany shouted into my ear.
-Nothing that could already make it worst.
I drank it in one shot and soon I knew that my word were a lie, because it was even hard to keep my balance on the chair.
-Did I mention that you are an idiot?
-No, but I know it already.
-Go and sleep. I’m sure next day your head will be splitting apart.
-Yeah, yeah, - I said standing up and walking like it was my first steps ever.
-You’re pathetic,-she said and took my arm over her shoulder.
-We all are, sweetheart, we all are,-I shouted as mad man.
I didn’t understood how she laid me on the black sofa, because it seemed that everything flew past me.
-Hive me that,-she said pointing at my whiskey bottle.
-No! He’s the only one I can trust here,-I said and hugged my bottle.
She tried to take it from me fiercely, but I didn’t loose my grip.
-Don’t act like a kid!-She said and pooled bottle with all her force. I let it go then and she fell on the sofa too.
-Jerk!
-Do you want me Tiff?-I asked, - I know you do, you wouldn’t be with a drunk guy then trying to take his last comfort away. You’re wicked, yes you’re, Tiff, and you know it.
-Who do you think you’re?!
-I? I guess I’m an idiot, but an idiot that every women wants to have in her bed.
-Pff…
-Do you know what it means?
-What means what?
- Pff. P.F.F. is a code word used for such girls like you commonly. It means Please Fuck Faster. But don’t worry I’m not interested in you, not because Hero is right that you can’t fuck well. You see when you have or at least had a girl that’s the best ever from the whole universe, you’re simply not interested in other simple girls, they’re just not good enough and they’ll never be. They’ll never compare to a queen.
-We’ll see about that,-she said and threw herself on me. Her tongue parted my lips. I took her head, because I wanted to pull her away. Her hair was silky, it reminded me of Alex…Her image burst into my head, and I don’t know why, but my drunk head made me to think for a moment that’s really her. But then I opened my eyes and it wasn’t Alex, it was Tiffany.
-Stop,-I said breathing heavily.
-So she isn’t that good, huh? You answered to my kiss and I know you want more. Don’t force yourself, you know you want me.
But it wasn’t her that I wished for, it was Alex. It was Alex kisses that I wished for like oxygen.
She licked my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt, just like Alex did the night we were sleeping on each others naked bodies.
-A…-I wanted to say her name, hoping that she’ll come and hug me tightly whispering that everything’s going to be okay, that we’ll make it and start everything from the beginning, but my lips were shut up by another kiss. I felt hands sliding slowly into my pants and starting to stroke my cock.
-No… listen, - I tried not to give in. But Tiffany wasn’t listening and I knew it won’t take too long to turn me on.
-You’re already hard,-she said and licked the top of me.
I welcomed her mouth that was trying to cope me and pressed her head harshly. With other hand I took the bottle that was on my left and gulped the drink again. I didn’t wanted that the image of Alex would fade away in my head. It wasn’t hard to imagine her right in front of me as I saw her back then on her knees, because whiskey was blurring my view and Tiff doing her job.
-Ah, harder… Alex, harder,-I whispered moaning.
Tiffany hit me hard and I opened my eyes.
-I’m not that whore!-she said and kissed me deeply forcing her tongue into my mouth.
I don’t know how she loosed her panties or maybe she wasn’t wearing them at all, but she took my member and showed the way into her. She was tight at first, but as soon she started riding me, I was comfortably in.
-Do it! Changmin, do it!-she moaned this time.
I took her butt and pressed her hardly. I don’t know if it was good, because even how helplessly I tried to imagine Alex on me, it still wasn’t that of a pleasure.
-Say my name,-I said hoping that it will turn me on. But as she screamed, it didn’t, so I just had to swallow another gulp of whiskey.
I thought of Alex and came for her, but Tiff moaned again and it woke me up from my dreams.
I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe them.
There she was as sexy and beautiful as ever standing in front of me and watching me closely.
I was too shocked to say something, but she did.
- I can’t believe I loved such a whore like you,-she said while spilling her drink on me.
Her word crushed me completely. She…she loved…me.
- Suck him, he likes it,-she said to Tiff and putted the glass on her head like on a clown.
She turned her back to me and went away. I couldn’t watch her leave so I threw Tiff away zipped my pants and run after, but Junsu appeared suddenly and blocked the way out.
-Enough! I really don’t get why you act like this, but if you wouldn’t be my friend I would hit your fucking grin,-Junsu said and left me to fall to my knees.