| Fan Fiction |
by Kinra
-Are you okay?-Yoochun asked me.
I simply stared through the window.
-Changmin-ah?-he patted my shoulder, - You’ll get through this…It’s a right decision.
-How can you know what’s right and what’s wrong, Yoochun? There are no right or wrong decisions; it’s just consequences that you have to face…
-And you’ll face them, right?
-I’m going to sleep...I’m tired, - I said and turned away from him.
-I don’t understand what’s so special about her…you could have every girl you want.
-Every girl, except for her, - I answered.
-Why?-Yoochun asked in disbelief.
-She could have made me a better man, Yoochun.
-She already did, I never saw you thinking about others so much. Moreover, you are leaving everything for JaeJoong.
-I’m not leaving anything; I’m just letting her get what she deserved: a little bit happiness, - I said watching how JaeJoong is taking her arm. Yochun noticed this too.
-Just don’t regret it…I can take you to the club tomorrow if you want.
-Do you think washing my brains with alcohol will make me feel better?
-No, but you do need to get away from here. You know we care for you, Changmin-ah, and JaeJoong does too, it’s just that he always does what he feels…In some way, I’m even jealous for that.
-Don’t tell me you don’t act the way you want?
-Sometimes what you want is not what you need, - he said his eyes locked on two shadows looking up to the sky.
I imagined myself in the spot of that dark man holding a woman he loved. I remembered her words:”I would have stayed with the person, whom I met and fell in love first. “. It did hurt to know, that I could have had her with me… but I missed my chance, I wasn’t loyal, how she said. But I didn’t feel that I betrayed her. I felt like I hurt her and now it’s payback time for me. Time to suffer in the dark and let them come out from it; let them to live a bright and happy life. I tried to convey myself with these thoughts, but when I saw him leaning to her and touching her lips with his, my blood started running faster through my veins, warming all my body up, making my mind burn. I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t bear it. Not yet.
-Changmin-ah…
-I’m tired, Yoochun, I’m going to sleep,-I said with clenched teeth.
But I new perfectly well, that I won’t be able to fall asleep calmly, like every night, when my thoughts were filled with her.
I slammed the door and fell on the bed.
Cold breeze was blowing from an open window, from dark and cold night. I closed my eyes and slowly felt darkness embarrassing my body.
I was sinking with my heavy thoughts in bed. The room was spinning in my dizzy head. I thought that one bottle already can not make me drunk, but hallucinations somehow started appearing faster and faster every time I would leave empty bottles on the floor. I had to breathe normally, to stop spinning, but instead darkness made my mind run faster and I felt sickness in my throat. I held onto sheets, but they were curling up around my arms already, I tried to rip them away, but I just messed even more. Someone was taking me down, sucking me into black hole. But every time I tried to hold onto something, my arms would grab just empty air. Darkness was growing bigger every time I moved, until I felt that there’s nothing under my feet, that I’m already falling in vacuum… flashes of memories and smiles begin circling through my head, giving me soreness in my every cell, when they suddenly shattered on the ground like glass… I couldn’t see the end of that tunnel, which I was sucked in, but I felt that it’s not long to wait when I’ll hit the ground too and smash my brains on the pavement.
No, no, No! I tried to scream, but no words left my mouth. I tried to grab something to cling onto, but cold paralyzed me, and when I saw the ground coming faster and faster to me it felt like I’m going to die. But then two gentle arms held me from the back.
A lulling melody was echoing around a deep lake under me. My two feet were on the surface. Something was flashing and moving deep in the water, I tried to see what it was, but a voice called me and I turned to face it. Blue like ocean eyes were watching me and Alex’s voice called me from the shore. ‘Come’ I heard her. ’Come to me’.
I stepped forward not taking my eyes of her. But on the second step I realized that I’m walking on the water, I can’t walk on the water, I can’t…
and lake started rising up, absorbing my body, or was it me who was falling…She came closer spreading her arms, I tried to reach for it, but I couldn’t no matter how hard I tired, I was too far…I thought that I can swim out, but water was too thick and I realized what those things were down in the bottom…mass of worms, snakes and other nasty creatures were on my body, pulling me down. The image of Alex faded away, and I was unable to breathe, because I was afraid that if I’ll open my mouth and those nasty things will get into it. ‘No’, I thought ‘No’ ‘Come back, Alex, come back’, ‘don’t leave me’.
-No!
I screamed and opened my eyes.
I was back in my room again on a messed bed. My breathing was so loud, that I lied not moving, afraid that someone heard me. Was it a nightmare? I stood up slowly trying to adjust to the environment. It was a dream, just a nightmare.
-Changmin are you okay?-Yunho came in.
-Yeah…
-You are all wet in sweat, what happened?
-A bad dream, just a bad dream, don’t worry, I’m fine, - I lied.
-You’re sure?
-Yeah, bring back boys home safely, - I said letting him to understand that I want to be alone. He nodded and did as I wanted.
I went to bathroom and washed my face, but this wasn’t enough to fully wake up from those images that a nightmare brought, so I turned on tap and watched how bathtub was filling with water. I unbuttoned my shirt and pants, leaving everything on the floor. Steam was dancing before my eyes, so I blinked few times and headed to bath tub, but when I saw that it was full of water I was afraid to enter it, afraid that I’ll drown in worms again…God, what’s going on with me. I hit my head. It’s just water fucking water, there’s nothing to be afraid of, I thought, but I knew that I can not move an inch closer. So I decided to take plan B. I opened the cupboard full of small bottles and packages. I took the one that was hidden under the soap, orange bag, full of my white small friends. I took few pills and swallowed, waiting until my mind will become blunt. One pill, two, pills, three pills ...I counted to get distracted from waiting. Steam was already gone so I sank into water, letting warmness to heal the entire ache from my body. My eyelids become heavy, and I closed them, letting my conscious to disappear again.
Sun was so bright that it hurt my eyes, and I blinked few times. Few moments I felt blinded and I closed my eyes again, but when I was finally able to wake up, I heard soft piano melody. It was light as feather, flowing through the air.
Usually Yoochoon doesn’t wake up that early, but I bet that this masterpiece was made by him.
I blinked my eyes and realized that my white room is completely empty.
Are we moving?
-Changmin,-Someone called me, but I couldn’t recognize who.
I ran to the living room but I couldn’t find anyone there too. Then I ran to JaeJoongs room, but it was empty, as well as Yunho’s…
Where’s everybody? They couldn’t just leave me like this.
-Changmin,-mysterious voice called me again and I followed it back to my room.
The melody was played faster, but I couldn’t understand from where it came. I looked though the window, but morning sun was too bright for me to see something.
I felt how every key was pressed harder and melody that once was soft became heavy and dark.
-What’s going on here? - I screamed and my voice echoed from the walls.
I turned around and faced myself in the mirror, but somehow I looked paler then ever…
-Changmin, - the voice called again, this time it seemed so familiar, but I couldn’t remember to whom it belonged…
-What kind of game it is?!- I screamed, but again my voice just hit the emptiness.
I came closer to the only thing that was in the room, the huge silver mirror.
-Changmin, - I heard, and it seemed that it came from the mirror…
I brushed my features carefully. But they disappeared like smoke…
Sweet voice called my name again. This time the voice was so clear…
-Alex…? Is that you? Where are you?!- I screamed, but I wasn’t sure if it was for real, because my voice seemed so distant.
-Changmin! - Alex cried desperately again.
-I’m coming, Alex, wait, I’m coming! - I said and went through the mirror.
Suddenly everything turned dark, the piano melody changed into sirens and screams. My head was ripping into two, and I couldn’t listen to it anymore, I needed to return back.
-Changmin, - Alex cried louder.
I couldn’t leave her somewhere in this hell, so I forced myself to go further with widely spread arms, trying to find a way, because darkness blinded me and the only thing I was able to see were my pale hands.
Suddenly I got caught onto something and tripped. I turned back and saw that mirror again: myself lying on the ground in it. Then I realized that I was completely naked.
How I didn’t notice it earlier?
I came closer to the mirror, but my reflection wasn’t moving, it remained still.
‘What the fuck?!’-I thought
I ran to my reflection through the glass as I did with the first mirror.
This time the sound was even more terrible.
It was the cries of my friends.
I saw Yoochun holding onto Junsu, both of them were crying. Yunho was with blank expression shocked and JaeJoong looked paralyzed, but this wasn’t the worst.
Never in my life will I be able to forget this image.
Alex was crying, crying on my dead corpse, trying to wake me up.
-Changmin, wake up! - She screamed with pain,-Wake up!
But I didn’t knew how, I wasn’t sleeping…how can I wake up, if I’m not sleeping.
I went closer to her I wanted to say that I’m here, but she didn’t noticed me, she cared more about that lifeless corpse, which didn’t even look like me.
-How can I wake up, Alex, tell me! I want to, but I don’t know how,-I said to her hopelessly.
She didn’t say anything, instead of that, I saw another mirror, and instinctively I realized that this was the way I had to go again.
I stepped across the glass and bright shine lightened me up.
My eyes flew open and I realized that I’m lying in bed again.
I inhaled deep, but the air wasn’t familiar, moreover it hurt everywhere: my chest, my head, even every breathe was full of pain.
‘Okay, this dream is getting illogical’-I thought-‘really, how much nightmares there will be for tonight?!’
But I turned my head to the left and realized that this can not be a nightmare, because Alex was lying beside my bed, sleeping with her head on my white sheets and holding my arm.
‘It definitely can not be a nightmare’-I thought and smile appeared on my face.