| Fan Fiction |
by Kinra
[I felt you come to life on my fingertips.
I mixed your blood with mine, wanted to feel like this forever.
I've got nothing left to lose but my memories of you
and there's no better cure for me than this coma therapy,
so let me drift away...
Strata-coma therapy]
I lied on the corner of bed watching how his chest was moving because of his breathing. I didn’t notice how I dazed off for few moments, because rain was making me sleepy, of course it may be because I wasn’t sleeping already more then 24 hours, but I didn’t really care, besides how could I fall asleep when all those thoughts were drilling my brain.
The only good thing was that I was at least left alone. Yoochun and Junsu went back to their apartment to take Changmin’s ID card and to take a shower, Yunho had to face their manager and JaeJoong…well I don’t know where he was, but at the moment I knew that it’s better to be without him. Feeling that I was deceiving him when I watched Changmin, when I pitied him or thought about him never left me. I thought if I could just hold his hand and take care of him, he would heal faster, but actually it were just my cruel and selfish intentions. It was wrong, and I knew it well. I shouldn’t have come here at all, but how could I leave his side when he almost died. How we were so careless…
-If you ever try something like this again, I will kill you myself, - I promised silently more to myself and took his hand, - You make me feel guilty, aren’t you ashamed, Changmin-ah, and I almost kissed you back then, did you do it on purpose then?
His hands were warm, and because I liked to hold it so much, I knew I have to let it go and leave.
I liked the idea to be the first one he sees after he wakes up. But then what? What I would say to him, what would he thought, that I care about him? Well I do, but even so, I’m the only one who knows it, and I won’t let it to slip away. JaeJoong has to be the one who owns my heart and if there’s still some place for Changmin it soon will be overtook, so I have nothing to worry about.
-Get well, Changmin-ah, promise me you will take car of yourself,-I said and leaned to kiss his forehead. It was wet of sweat, but I still hoped that this guilty mark on my lips will stay at least in my memory. I stood up a bit dizzy and jealous to Junsu and Micky, because shower was exactly what I needed to wash away all of my doubts.
-If this is what you want, then I promise, - I heard a voice behind me.
If I would have thought at least for a second I wouldn’t dare to turn back, but this time my head was empty, filled just with echoing Changmin’s voice. So I instantly turned and faced his eyes. He was smiling.
-And can we repeat that kiss part, ‘cuz I don’t really remember?
-I…I…you woke up, Changmin-ah!-I hugged him.
-Oh…careful now, somehow my ribs feel like broken, - he pushed me away gently.
-Oh, I’m sorry.
-You did it?
-Don’t you remember anything?
-Well I guess I fell asleep and you kidnapped me, right? Are you masochistic? You never said you liked games earlier, but I don’t really mind if you prefer it this way, - he said.
Okay, I was quite turned aback. Not to mention the fact that he acted like nothing happened he even dared to dream about masochistic sex?!
-How are you feeling? - I asked and came closer carefully.
-Like I was hit by a van, does this describe it well? And where exactly am I? - He said and looked around surprised.
-Well in a hospital, you kind of almost died yesterday…
He wondered for a moment.
-Oh yeah, I guess I did… in a dream.
-What dream?
-Well it’s kind of difficult to explain…I saw my naked corpse on the floor and everyone was crying and such and you where there too…aish, never mind, I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days.
-But you really were, Changmin, you were lying on the floor naked, I pulled you from bath tub, I almost broke your ribs while I was trying to revive you… and you overdosed … and I don’t know why you had to drink all that shit, but if you will scare me like this ever again I won’t forgive you, - I said seriously.
-I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.
-You’re sorry because you almost died?
-You said you were scared I didn’t mean to scare you, I just thought that I’ll fall asleep calmly with those pills and there will be no problems.
-Do you have insomnia?
-Kind of.
-Why?
-Because every time I’m doing nothing my head fills with memories of you and I don’t want to think about you, Alex, - he said honestly.
Relationship that begun with passion will end up with hate; relationship that begun with respect will end up with friendship and the one that started with love…it won’t end. If once you made fire, coals will always remain under the ground. Burry the thoughts, that are coming to surface again, drown the feeling that were not meant to live, shut the memories and drift away, where no one cares about the one who lives and steps on the pure ground, where no one breaths for other lives, where evryoen died in lies, in coma therapy… Because in this side of the world I can’t play the game, that will burst everything that doesn’t belong to me. I can’t destroy illusions, which I created, because there’s nothing more left then them.
-I guess I shouldn’t have brought up that, - Changmin laughed. But this laugh didn’t chased away sadness in his voice.
-It’s okay…somehow we both aren’t that good to have something precious like love.
-Anyo, you are, I really hope you’ll be happy, in one or another way, with or without me, if there’s a smile on your face then that’s enough for me. I guess in time I can let you go…so you can simply cross me out from every list you have,- he chuckled sadly again.
-Don’t talk like it’s the end of the world. I want that you would be happy too, with someone…- I said while my inner voice shouted ‘Liar! Liar!’. I couldn’t imagine him with that someone else, I simply didn’t want to.
-Are we cool? - He asked.
-Yeah, - I said and hugged him. Even in this stinky hospital his scent still remained the same: attractive, warm, fresh, cozy…
Maybe this moment when I lied in his embrace was already too long, but I still whished that it wouldn’t end this fast. But the bang of the door woke me up from my dreams. I turned around and realized that that this was what I feared to see the most.
-You finally came back, - JaeJoong said coming closer.
What he had felt? Jealousy because I was in his friend embrace? Joy because his friend is already healthy? Sorrow because his lover was deceiving him? I couldn’t imagine it, but I felt guilty as hell. Sometimes a person can not find love in his whole life time and already loved two men. Wasn’t I too greedy?
-Yeah, and I’m thankful to all of you, but I don’t want to stay here anymore, it stinks here. Shouldn’t you take a better care of your dongsaeng? -Changmin laughed
-Chincha? Wait until we’ll kick your ass for that shit you did. Do you know that Junsu almost pooped his pants? And I bet that we’ll find a good article in today’s newspaper too…
-Just tell him that he poisoned with food and that’s all, it’s part of the truth anyway,- I said.
-I told the same to Yoochun, but he wasn’t listening, - Junsu burst in the room holding Yoochun’s hand.
-Don’t you understand that everything sounds stupid from your mouth?- Yoochun replied and came closer to Changmin.
Soon everyone was around him, laughing and teasing the patient. I knew that they had a lot to say to each other and I didn’t want to interrupt family’s moment so I simply left the wad unnoticed. Besides I didn’t want to stay at the same place with two of them, moreover it still was hard to see Changmin weak attached to all medication.
I sat on the sofa in the waiting-room. It was still morning so the room was practically empty, and the only thing I heard was ticking clock’s arrows behind me. Tick-Tick-Tick. I wonder whose time it was counting…But I didn’t get the answer, since my eyelids were so heavy, that I didn’t bother to open them again, and fell asleep.