| Fan Fiction |
by Kinra
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Let’s part our hearts
Bonds, and times
We used to share
because it’s a love that lies
cracks up your mind
with drugs, and you get high
For a moment
It seems like forever
and the end waits in the next life
but even if it’s seems okay
the paint will come off…
so let’s part our hearts
since they don’t beat like they used to
Let’s part our hearts
even if it’s love that lies
it hurts to let go…
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I don’t know how this got so far in such a short time. Just a glimpse of an eye may seem like forever for someone. But for me time was relative. All I could count were the times when I got hurt. Somehow people tend to forget happy moments, but in my case, they all were locked deep down in my heart, that neither the time nor other live beings would be able to erase it.
-You can not do this, - Changmin said with teary eyes.
I kept folding my clothes. I had to avoid his gaze, which might change my mind every second, which might melt all my strength and stubbornness.
-Do you hear me?! – He shook my arm,-You can’t! You can’t do this, Alex. Do I have to beg you? Because I can, - he kneeled in front of me.
-Stand up, Changmin, please don’t make it even harder to me.
-It’s not only about you, it’s about us four, you can not decide on your own!
-I already did, Changmin. Do you understand what life to live this baby will be doomed? I don’t want him to suffer.
[Like I do.]
-We can protect it we can-
-No you can’t and you know it yourself!
-Then why do you want to leave too…? Why do you want to leave us with nothing?
-Because I’m tired, Changmin, I can’t fight all the time. I’m not supernatural. And you know, being with you requires some super powers. Besides it’s not like you’re alone, there’re a lot of people that love and support you.
-And what about you? Don’t you love us?
Of course I love them. All of them with every cell of mine. Even JaeJoong. Especially JaeJoong. Somehow, right now I was the one feeling guilty. And just to think of leaving him was already hard.
-Sometimes love isn’t enough, - I simply answered and turned to my suitcase, because I knew, I can not look at him any longer.
I heard how he slapped the door, how his steps faded away... But maybe this way it was even easier. I knew it was hard for them to understand me, at some point, it was hard for myself too.
I never chased after love, and I knew that they changed me, because just a little would be enough and I would have stayed, wherever they would, but right now I can not think just of myself, and that’s what’s stopping me. My future doesn’t belong only to me, for now I’m sharing it with my baby. That’s why it’s the best to leave.
Since my childhood everyone was telling me that I’m a burden, but for the first time I really felt that I’m a burden just right now, when they had to risk their lives for mine. And it wasn’t how it had to be. It wasn’t what they deserved.
Now the only one who understood me, was the one who hated me at the beginning the most -Yunho. He said that I have to make my own choices, for my own future, not someone’s other, and taking my suitcase seemed like the best way to do. He said that real love isn’t selfish, that real love is about keeping others heart safe, not yours, that’s why JaeJoong and Changmin would understand, that’s why I would knew what choice is right.
Someone knocked on the door and I knew it was the person I just thought about.
-So you really made up your mind?-Yunho asked.
-Yeah, I guess so.
-You know, when I was a kid, I wished that I wasn’t born,- he sit on the corner of bed,- That’s why I blamed my mother; that she brought me to this world and left all alone in dirty streets, where you had to fight for living every day. But this child wouldn’t be like this…
-No. Maybe he would have money. Maybe he could become the richest kid on the planet. But he wouldn’t be happy growing between two parents; between the fame, danger and fear. Besides none of us are ready for such thing like baby. So, please, stop your lecture, Yunho.
-Yeah, you’re right about that. It’s just that I had already imagined JaeJoong’s face when he would hold him, or teach him to ride a bike, how he would tell him a story before sleep and kiss his forehead...it’s quite sad, that things you are already holding in your hand, slip away when you turn away just for a second. Just this easy. This simple.
-I’m sure he will do it someday…- I said even if this thought made lump in my throat even bigger.
-Yeah, he may, but I imagined him with you. I thought that you are the person, who would be able to wake him up in the morning… Somehow all of us fail to do this, but I’m sure he would listen to you; whatever you say.
-Yunho,I know, that we both wish the same, that JaeJoong would be happy. I see it in your eyes. Maybe it was hard for you to share all concerns about him with me, but you did it. You’re a good person; it really follows that theory of not selfish love…So now, I hope you can look after him instead of me. That’s my last request.
-W-what do you m-mean?
-It’s okay. I know.
-What…you k-know?
-Oh, c’mon it’s so obvious…Your eyes always sparkle when you talk about him.
-Alex, I-
-Shhh, - I pressed my finger on his lips, - I already said it’s okay. Now let’s go to cook something, no one had their breakfast yet.
-You really are going to act like nothing happened?
-Isn’t it the best way? - I smiled to him, but this fake smile disappeared as soon as it appeared.
Yunho just lifted his shoulders.
-Who knows what’s right, and what’s wrong? - He asked rhetorically and left the room.
I stared at one spot for a moment or two, and then decided to leave my suitcase to rest alone for a while. As I entered the living room, it was already empty (just like me), I hesitated for a second what should I do here, but since I had nothing to be busy with, my legs led me to the kitchen. I started to mix eggs with milk and flour, hoping that this time pancakes won’t get burned. But it was hopeless, since JaeJoong didn’t taught me how to turn it over yet.
-Yay! Smells good! - I heard Junsu’s voice from far.
-Someone’s in the good mood today, huh? - I asked him
-Yeah, ‘cuz yesterday was Christmas! - He replied, which provoked Yoochun’s punch.
-Stop it, or you won’t get anything of this, - I pointed at plate with half burned pancakes.
They sat by the table silently.
-So what’s with that Christmas thing? Did I miss something?
-No, - Yoochun said instantly.
-Okay…then fill your tummies with this coal, and I’ll go ask others,-I said.
I went to Changmin’s room and after short knock opened the door.
-What do you mean he’s gone? - Yunho asked with clenched teeth.
-I’m telling you what I know myself, hyung, yesterday he was here, but now he’s not,- Changmin replied with worried look.
-Who’s gone?-I asked.
-Nothing A, he’ll come back soon, maybe he just took a walk or something, - Yunho replied fast, as if words gathered up themselves.
-Where’s JaeJoong? I made breakfast for him…he has to eat,
- I asked going to bathroom that was in their room, then to closet, but there was no one.
-Don’t worry, he’s just …he’ll come back soon, I promise, - Yunho said and ran past me.
My hair covered my view because of his rush. I stood silently, while my thoughts raced.
I must find him.
Why did felt like worst news ever, why did it cramp my muscles, why did it felt as if my inside contracted and burst into small pieces…
-Alex? - I heard Changmin’s voice.
He was looking directly at me, and our eyes met.
-No, - I shook my head, - No…
He slowly came closer with spread arms. But these arms weren’t the ones I needed.
Why when it’s just one day left until this play will end, the script has to change? Why at least one time, it can not go the way I want?
The river I’m in doesn’t flow downstream, it runs the way it wants just to keep going, and that’s why I’m always left behind. Without any hope let go of all of this that hurts so much and yet, brings happiness more then anything else. Always in chase of something…
I left Changmin behind, even if I could swear I heard my name called, but all I could do is run down the stairs towards the only destination I had…