Fan Fiction |
by Lhara
* * *
When I wake up in the morning
And realise that you’re gone
I try and find an answer
As to what I have done wrong
I blame myself, then everybody
For leaving me like this
And then I close my eyes and wonder
If I could only have one wish.
If I only had one wish
It’ll be for you to be here now
And if I could change things completely
Time would keep us together somehow.
If only I had one wish, it’ll be for me
To tell you that I love you
Before you went away
And now I have to live with the fact I didn’t
Every moment, everyday.
Oh, and it kills me so much that you’re missing
Now I don’t know what to do
How to live this life constantly without you.
See these tears that are falling?
Each one is a memory of you
Calling, calling, calling
You’re just a voice inside my head now
But a light I’m always holding.
And I’ll never forget,
I can never forget.
You.
My light forever shining
* * *
I was trapped. Stuck behind heavy eyelids that refused to open and weighed down by a body that ached everywhere.
Around me I could hear the low murmuring of people talking and slowly, ever so slowly, I started to stir from my lethargic state.
My eyes were the first to open. As they adjusted, they stared in confusion at the unfamiliar ceiling and walls, but they did not probe any further. Feeling to the rest of my body returned next and I was aware of tubes and needles protruding from my body. My mind suddenly became awash with hazy confusion and I tried to place myself.
Where was I?
Before I could dwell on that matter, a face came into my line of vision.
The person leaning over me had eyes that were red from crying and exhaustion and skin so sickly pale.
Shan Cai.
“Shan Cai.” I spoke, but my voice came out dry and hoarse, as though I hadn’t had a drink for ages.
Shan Cai’s eyes widened when she saw me awake, and conflicting emotions passed through her eyes: overwhelming relief but great worry.
She knelt down beside me.
“Xiao You, you’re awake!” She was clearly overjoyed by this fact, yet her voice was devoid of emotion.
My mind didn’t register her unusual expression. “Where am I?”
Shan Cai swallowed and leaned over to push back a strand of my hair that had fallen into my face.
“You’re in hospital, Xiao You. You had an accident and you’ve been in a coma for almost a month.” Shan Cai probed my face. “Do you remember?”
I thought for a moment.
An accident?
What kind of accident?
I was about to answer no, but then my mind suddenly flashed to something. Something important. A memory that demanded to be noticed.
And it did. It flashed into my mind, so clear that I couldn’t believe I had forgotten it.
In my mind I remembered walking with Andrew. He was taking me out, but he wouldn’t tell me where. Everything was fine, everything was perfect, but then…
There was that car-it had been speeding, and it had come towards us….
I remembered glass shattering.
The awful collision of metal and something else.
Deadly screaming, and…. And…..
Suddenly I bolted upright, but Shan Cai pushed me back down.
“Andrew!” I cried hoarsely. “Where’s Andrew?”
Suddenly tears started streaming down Shan Cai’s face, and I couldn’t comprehend why. Why wasn’t she answering my question?
Shan Cai turned to someone in the room.
There were two people in the room.
Shan Cai left the room with Dao Ming Si, as she was too upset to speak to me.
Hua Ze Lei stayed behind.
Grimly he walked over.
He too knelt down beside me.
“Lei,” I whispered. “What happened? What’s happening?”
Lei stroked my hair.
“Xiao You, I’m so sorry.”
“Why?” I answered, confused now more than ever, although something deep inside me wavered… it knew what was coming next.
“Xiao You, Andrew… he’s dead.”
Dead. The word exploded in my head.
My eyes widened in denial.
“No!” I cried. I tried to get up, tried to escape, but chains held me into place.
Lei had to be wrong; Andrew couldn’t be dead! Wasn’t it his hand that had held mine tightly not so long ago? Wasn’t it his voice that had whispered to me only moments ago?
Someone like Andrew couldn’t die.
It wasn’t fair!
It wasn’t right!
Lei reached out with his spare hand to grab my hand, but I knocked it away.
I didn’t need his consolation.
I didn’t need anything.
Instead, I started to sobbing, crying tears of denial, screaming words of disbelief, the word “No,” being uttered over and over again until my throat hurt too much to yell anymore.
I turned my red eyes to Lei’s, noticing his eyes reflecting regret and sadness, but how can he understand?
How can anyone understand?
Andrew was gone.
He was never coming back.
“Xiao You,” Lei said softly.
Another batch of tears started coming now, but all the angry emotions had swept away, and had left me feeling numb.
“Lei, how can this be?”
Lei shook his head gently. “I don’t know,” he replied.
* * *
A couple of days later, the doctor released me. The doctors had performed CT scans that concluded no long-term internal damage, at least none that they could see. My doctor had told me that during my accident, any internal damages had miraculously healed, and after my accident, I had come away with not even a scratch.
Not a scratch to testify to this terrible ordeal. How awfully ironic that I had come out unscathed whilst the man I loved was now gone.
Andrew. For the umpteenth time my soul cried out for him, but for once in my life, he was not here to answer my call, and it hurt so much.
Lei told me that Andrew had died straight away. The car had collided into him and sent him flying. Not news I wanted to hear.
But worst of all, I had learnt that I survived because of him. Because of Andrew. I had gone flying into the air… because Andrew had in that short time pushed me out of the way.
He had saved me.
Again.
In the darkest corner of my room I was knelt down, crying.
It seemed so wrong that he saved me. Andrew, all he did was give and I never got a chance to equate that. I didn’t even get to tell him the most important thing in the world, and that was that I loved him. How could he have truly known when I never said?
I felt like a bird trapped endlessly in a cage, which couldn’t be freed until he knew, and how could he now?
Regret. Regret is just a simple six-letter word, yet it holds such great implications.
Regret is what destroys me every day that slowly passes.
Regret is what brings on the ever-lasting numbness and great emptiness.
Regret eats me just as much as the loneliness does.
Regret is what keeps me confined into this room.
I lifted my head to the wall in front of me.
Emptiness.
This was how things were going to be from now on.
* * *
Next post will be on Sunday. I would put a weekly quote in, but I can’t think of one that will match the mood here. Have a nice weekend everybody!