| Fan Fiction |
by PinkishBubble
Title: 4/5
The title has represented the story well, however I believe that it has better been written as either ‘Cupid: Angel in Mission’ or ‘Cupids: Angels in Mission’. Capitalization is important as well as spacing :)
Appearance/Poster/Background: 15/15
Love it. Well, maybe not so since I’m not a great fan of pink, however it goes well with the story nonetheless. Love the background: simple, neat, yet still cute.
Forewords: 3/5
Personally, I’d much prefer the forewords to be filled with character introduction as well instead of posting another chapter to provide it. Then I suppose a short and neat summary is necessary as well. The points in this section mainly based on your character introduction :)
Plot: 7/15
You have a good plot which however doesn’t develop that well. Some parts need further description to build up the emotion. Maybe you initially intended it to be a short story or something along the line, but try giving more understanding about your story. Let me mention some points: What happened after Mai broke up with Ryutaro? How did they reconcile? There was no explanation about it since all of a sudden the epilogue came when they were expecting a baby. And isn’t it too much of a coincidence that they named their son after Ryosuke, since Ryosuke barely made connection with them. Then lastly, how did Yuto and Miki able to get married, since I thought angel and demon aren’t supposed to love somebody. I didn’t say that you aren’t allowed to write such things, but won’t it be better to provide more explanations to knock some sense? Although this could be categorized as a fantasy story, try to make it as realistic as possible, I mean in daily life and such.
Flow: 2/6
It’s quite instable. You skip some parts, fastforward it, while some others are written in a slower pace. Well, I think I’ve mentioned about writing more information above, so I’ll skip ranting here, lol.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
You fluctuate between past and present tenses a lot. I believe it should have been written in present tense, judging from the majority. There are many grammatical mistakes but I can still understand the meaning, though I couldn’t say the same for other people. The spellings are sometimes incorrect. I suggest using Microsoft words or any other program which allows spell and grammar checking to reduce the amount of mistakes as minimum as possible. Also try re-reading your story at least once after you’re done with typing. It should help.
Then, I spot the word ‘JLEB’, ‘TENG!TENG!TENG!!’ which are meant for sound effect. Also ‘fyuuuh’. Well, assuming that you’re Indonesian as well as I am, while I understand the sound, I should remind you that sometimes word are pronounced differently in English. Err, I think you understand what I mean (but if you don’t, you can just ask me and I’ll explain). But then, I love to see those familiar words :D
Characterization: 6/10
I like how you give more information on your forewords, however the characterization, like the plot, doesn’t develop that well inside the story. Also, Ryutaro and Mai are lacking appearance although they should have played important role in this story (judging from your character introduction). Try playing with each major characters, use dialogues or narration to develop their characters, and something along the line. If the fic is meant to focus on two persons only, put the character introduction of the minor characters below to show the importance of their roles.
Orginality: 6/8
I hadn’t read any of this before, so yeah, though some points were rather too general or even cliché :)
Writing style: 2/6
I am so sorry to give such a low score on this section, but I always am strict on this point. First of all, try to write the narration in paragraphs instead of lines. I think that’s actually the basic of writing. Then, since I believe that each lines define different sentences, many of them is better combined as a sentence which could be separated with either a comma (,), or conjunctions (and, or, but, or something along the line). Let me give you an example:
there is a school in heaven.
just like our school in the earth.
but the different is there's no hate and no hurt feelings.
It should be written as: There is a school in heaven just like our school in the earth, but the different is there’s no hate and no hurt feeling à that isn’t the only mistake in this sentence, but I only make the combination to show my point.
Like I’ve stated, capitalization is important. It defines the start of each sentences, also it emphasized things indirectly.
Last but not least, I suggest refraining to insert different pov frequently. Shame that winglin doesn’t have italic mode, so I perfectly understand the usage of different pov, but then try to use it as minimum as possible :D
Well, actually those aren’t all, but I guess I’ve finished with the major things :)
Description : 4/10
It lacks descriptions as you focus more on dialogues. Like I said, narration is important, one of its functions lies here.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
I would have given a higher score despite the one-liners if only there’re capitalizations. Overall, I enjoy the story and I believe that there are still rooms for improvements :)
Overall score: 60/100
Notes: Woooo, sorry for the extreme tardiness. Well, I usually work faster, so yeah ^^;;
Then secondly, forgive me but ‘OMG YOU’RE AN INDONESIAL AS WELL’. Hahaha, once again I apologize, I rarely ever find Indonesian fic writers, actually you’re my first in winglin, so well… :DD
Now, for the review itself, once again I’m sorry for the strictness as I am in no way intending to harm you, or whatever. I’ve had reasons for each point and when I feel it necessary, I give more suggestion. You are not obliged to follow those, of course; they are merely suggestions.
So well, thank you for requesting me and hope you well for your future endeavors. If there are any questions, feel free to ask me :DDD
(Lastly: awwwww, Indonesian ♥
Can I speak in Indonesian for just one line? OMG, orang Indonesia. Hahaha… I feel so immature now)