| Fan Fiction |
by cutterpillow ♥ CMH
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 2/5
The title doesn't seem to relate to the story that much. Also it doesn't stand out very much, but I do understand a little bit why it would be used for the story. Like even though Rosa wasn't that popular or anything, she was still unique and good in her own way.
Poster & Background: 8/10
They're really cute, but not really... interesting. The colors were very calming, but very bland. I'd suggest a background color that's a bit more dramatic.
Forewords: 10/10
I liked your forewards. You let the reader know what was coming up in the story, and it was an interesting little hook onto the upcoming chapters.
Characterization: 12/15
You didn't really build on the characters that much. I mean you said their emotions and stuff, but you didn't really tell us anything about their likes (besides foreign music) and dislikes and what they do in their freetime and stuff, so I would have loved to see more basic details on the characters.
Plot/Creativity/Originality: 13/15
The story was so sad, but the ending was so cute ^^ I hated how he kept being mean to her and making her sad, and he didn't even realize it. I don't really think that the "declaring his love for her on the stage" was really that... unique and creative, since it is done often in movies and dramas and stuff, but it was a cute way to end the story quickly ^^
Flow: 6/10
There were times where you switched Points of View without the readers knowing, and the spring break seemed to go by really quickly without much knowledge of what was going on during it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocab.: 5/15
I understand that english isn't your first language... but this was still... really bad T.T
total opposite (forewords)
total opposites
her friends outcast. (forewords)
her friends outcasts.
they’re force to (forewords)
they're forced to
I saw the (*your chapter 1*)
I see the
I stood up, and pull my bag on the table. (*1*)
I stand up and put my bag on the table.
When I saw, Uchi and his minions-Noda and Shin on their way outside the locker room (*1*)
This is a Fragment of a sentence and doesn't make sense. You either have to link it with the sentence before it, or the sentence after it.
I immediately skip on my locker (*1*)
Skip on your locker? O.O you need to find a different word than skip
ok... I can't really fix your mistakes because I don't know if you want your story to be in past or present tense, or sometimes even what you MEAN, so I'm just going to post things that are wrong >. iPod. *2*
She hastily grab it on my hands. *2*
She dust of her uniform and turn to me. *2*
I ever met since we move here. *2*
“From where are you?” 2* "Where are you from?"
until we reach the gate outside. *2*
to have one of that.” *2*
corner and reach a street that dead-ended at a deserted lot. *2*
She answers back. And run off to their house again and shut the door. *2*
I though, smiling *2*
change school *3*
looking for me. So I immediately *3* Should All be one sentence
Ask by Uchi as he 3*
I said calmly. And steal the ball in his hands; threw the ball in the air and it went in smoothly *3*
I walk her home and she’s kind of cute. *3*
Said by Uchi, rolling on the ground holding his stomach. *3* Uchi said, rolling ...
suicide to been *3* suicide to be
Rosa has her own world. Cause she heard her, talking to herself once.” *3*
weirdoes *3* weirdos
I’m going to introduce to cute girls in school. *3*
I ran across the court and make a three point shoot—I missed. *3*
but he’s so good to be true. *3* too good to be true.
even smell good, *3* even smells good
I just end our call *3* ended
He said he’s call me. *3*
I totally mess everything!*3*
so fast. Yearning for Haru-kun to come—but we didn’t see him. *3* should all be one sentence
Then I glared at him and we’re both laughing. *3*
Even if you’re motives is, wasn’t really helping.” *3*
I suddently felt embarrass. *3* embarrassed
I didn’t heard what the hell he is saying. *3*
I yelled this time. But he kept on walking like he didn’t saw me *3*
are you sure he did saw you? *4*
Hiro propose to kidnap him *4*
I ask Hiro to come over to my house and unveiled my evil plan 001. *4*
chipping off nail polish *4*
Hiro just look at me, oddly. *4*
you’ll going to see a hottie crying. *4*
I didn’t saw him today. *4* see him today
He breathes heavily first and say, *4*
I fucking don’t want to go, stay and most of it I don’t want to WORK THERE. *5*
that were *5* we're
I can’t play station 3 *5* I can't play PS3
Maybe they forgot, they’re son is a varsity here. *5*
admit this things *5*
Uchi and others to give me hard time, about my bad taste on girls or what so ever. *5*
I really don’t. *5*
we started to seep off the dust and wipe the window. *5*
Which I prefer, I could bring myself looking at her, because I’m still mad. *5*
a abrupt *5* an abrupt
I’ll be a dead meat for the rest of my life! *5*
I took the bracelet and say *5*
agreed to *5* agreed too.
When were on our way to the court *5*
When we're on our way to the court
Thought, I didn’t much focus on his blabbering. *5*
Then all of a sudden the entire talking stop when a pretty girl pass by, with a long strap connected to a Chihuahua, attached on her hands. *5*
Then ‘Aya’ stop in front of us, and asks: *5*
and then she reaches and shook it. *5*
to run away which drag her of the street again. *5*
the only hottest girl in the campus so do here, at our place.” *5*
I look around and started to drive the rat. Since the room is lock, he cannot go outside, he kept on running and running around. And the worst is he kept on following Rosa wherever she goes. *5*
sort of scare him.” *5*
She even told me, that her parents are way stricter that mine. *5* no comma
she remember her parents. *5*
Seriously, you have unnecessary commas EVERYWHERE o.o just take out the commas, you don't need them.
on my bag. *5* in my bag.
We were already half of the hundred jars. *5*
were here at the attic *6* we're
We just finish cleaning those jars; we were leaning against the wall and resting side by side. *6*
Haru-kun, huff and cover his hands *6*
Sometime, it hurts to see him. *6* sometimes
Are you afraid of being that they would make fun of you? *6*
My voice sounded croak. I can’t help; I really need to burst this out. *6*
I would got to see him tomorrow and other day. *6*
when I got to see him around our place, and pretending that I was a ghost. *6*
He stretch his hand on my way *6*
I reach his hands, pulling him; he’s so heavy that we both land our butts on the floor. *6*
and it feels so good at the same time not— then his last question, made the sense out of me. *6*
on my room all day.” *6*
time we meet *6*
your innocent. I’m really sorry *7*
But I already have one week left, before school would start again.” *7*
She said I hug my mom and say it is Okay *7*
apologizing at me and even offer to pay what I have worked there. *7*
I’m so confuse *7*
I read the message again after I send, I don’t know why I did say sorry. *7*
Pointing on the girl *7*
going to give her hard time. *7*
having the same level with you *7*
would stay out on each other’s business. *7*
He said, I start my bike and left. *7*
where Uchi and rest belong. And we’re having an off-campus training this weekend. *7*
the sun will just rise *7*
and smile. I smile back too. *7*
walked towards the ground, *7*
she would always says, *7*
It seems like she an easy to get type of girl, which sometimes a hot girls would be *7*
Her dad even like me, and lets me hang out on their house. *7*
watching chick flicks movie. *7*
Actually, that very moment when my eyes were close I was thinking about Rosa and how much I missed her and wanting to see her again. *7*
one of the girl there, is the one who ‘cause you trouble last spring break.” *7*
But I would go there, everyone might made fun out of me. *7*
her hands were locked on his *8*
I guess this is all what he wanted, and I think he’s cousin approve of her. *8*
Hiro choke out, *8*
When a mouse would attack me, I wish he was there and chase it out. *8*
So, I lie here on my bed and listening to my iPod; killing time *8*
Yuki just roll her eyes and ate chips. *8*
Then Hiro pass another can of beer to me. *8*
Even though I like him, he has already a girlfriend. *8*
“she have to stay in our house, in case my parent would come back.” *8*
I asks. *8*
He said blushing we both laugh. If Hiro wasn’t a gay my best friend, I could have like him.*8*
have you look on yourself in the mirror? *8*
I don’t like it when people harassing or maltreat her! *8*
he rush over my side and pull my wrist. “Rosa, come one *8*
He sniffed the some air and asks, “Are you drinking?” then he look at Hiro and smirk, “Did he try to get you drunk and take advantage?” *8*
He was so speechless when you said to him.” *8*
“Anyway, thank for defending me back there.” *8*
She’s creativity when it comes to cosmetic palettes. *9*
We could tell stories almost anything. *9*
I never felt embarrass to tell her anything *9*
cant *9*
was assign to make the flyers for our class *9*
when I saw him message. *9*
I immediately call Hiro, and told him about that. *9*
I wouldn’t let haru-kun to step on me again.” *9*
“Okay. See in an hour at the court.” *9*
She was amaze to see a plastic-made set of jewelry. *10*
their laughing freely. *10*
I was seating at the chair beside the stage when I saw a glimpse of Rosa. *10*
who is embarrass to be seen with me in public.” *10*
Writing Style: 6/10
I really think that adding more details would add to the overall quality of the story. The way you piece together your points is interesting, and your style is easy to understand despite the grammar mistakes.
Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Despite all of the stopping for grammar mistakes, I did really like this story alot ^^ it was super intriguing ^^ The ending was really sudden, but I still thought that it was good and really romantic, and I love her friends! When they beat her to her room and were equipped with chocolate, tisues, and soda I was like "... I want friends like that!!!!" ^^
Total: 70/100