| Fan Fiction |
by Zaire
1. Appearance (Poster, BG, font etc.) :8/10.
-I simply adore the poster! The black poster with the black background, made it seem as if it wasn't a rectangular shaped poster, but a cut-out. It brought the characters to life, the only give away were the edges to the right.
Secondly, the poster gave me the feeling of sorrow, specially the coloured pic of Chun. Hebe also looked like the her character. A helpless mute girl. Adding black and white, also gave the feeling of silence. Like when I saw the page the first time, there was no sound playing anywhere, just gentle breeze passing through my ears. So it gave me the full effect of 'Silence'.
The background could only be noticed if I stare hard, and even then you wouldn't realize that it isn't a plain black background, and that is has your poster on it. However, I wont deduct points for this as it was beautifully adding to the effect.
However, you should've used the font colour the designer used to write the words 'Silence' in the poster. It would have added some effect to it. You could've done this by asking the designer to give you the font colour, using the pick tool. Read doesn't stand for silence. It stands for danger, and anything but silence. You should have used dark colours like the one in the poster. (Or atleast white)
2. Title:4/5.
-The title was beautifully incorposated into the story. The heroine of your story was silent, even though she was being insulted, or was angry, sad, incredibly happy, etc, etc. You didn't really point it out to us, it was made obvious in a subtle sort of way. But however, the title seems morose, sad, depressing, not everyone would go for it. It's a very simple and to the point title. It wouldn't grab as much attention from the readers. Therefore, the deduction of one point.
3. Forewords (Introduction):6/10.
-You wrote very litte. But that little had details, it was beautiful. It was very small, so it left me hanging. I wanted to read more. Why was her imperfection her silence? What happened to her. Which means I wanted to read more...and that definitely is a good foreword. I didn't cut marks for the length. Because that small thing, intrigued me to read more. However, I wish you would've added a bit of character descriptions, some quotes. Etc, etc...
4. Characters (Description):7/10.
-Well, I never really have given many people high marks on descriptions, because on winglin, you don't get descriptions as if you make the chapter too long, people wouldn't have the mood to read. But even though your chapters were small, the descriptions were there. Actually, there were only descriptions in your chapter, and less dialogues. While it is the opposite for many stories...including mine.
Chun's character was explained really well, his emotions he went through in various situations, the reasons for him doing the things he did, and you could understand his character, and also you could hate him too. Never have I seen the lead being vile so openly to his heroine. Of course, there were always explanations regarding why he is being so, but you still couldn't help hating him.
Hebe's feelings weren't as well expressed as Chun's. I felt sorry for what was happening to her. I didn't understand why she couldn't speak. I was sometimes even frustrated with her character. But I couldn't bond with her. I was a bit confused as to what kind of a girl is she? Is she a pushover? Or is she someone who fights? She seemed to pick her battles and that was confusing.
Jiro was confusing as well. His feelings and all were fine, but what about him? He was a sweet person and all that I know. But what was his age? If he was a teenager during Dolores's death, and Hebe was a little girl, then how old is he now? For Chun to think Hebe is his lover, he must've been young...was Dolores a teenage mother? Or did Jiro fall for someone extremely older than him?
I got the impression he was in his late thirties. But I couldn't really picture him that way. As Jiro is that golden haired monkey to me always!
You also added physical descriptions like what they're wearing and stuff, in some parts for which I've added points. =)
5. Creativity (The Plot):13/15.
-The plot was interesting. I have never heard of such a plot before. Hmm, actually I have. Two people forced to marry, having misunderstandings and the entry of a third party which makes them realize their feelings for each other, and how they finally find each other. What I'm trying to say, is that the basic outline is the same as some stories. But it is still different in the sense of the situations. Never before has a lead of the story spoken only in the last chapter of the story. Never has the lead of the story been so distant and vile, that people actually start hating him, even though his actions are justified. Never has there been a third party, that is not interested in one of the leads but is just a good friend.
You used a lot of creativity in your story. The rest I would explore in details in the writing style section.=)
6. Writing Style:13/15.
-Your writing style is just...amazing! Most people would have had a problem with your short chapters, but I don't mind them. Well, every chapter had a little scene that happened between them. The more I read it, the more it intrigued me, the more I wanted to read. I was continuously pressing the next button to see what happens next, and actually cursed my net speed for not showing me the next page fast enough! The short chapters are fine, if you printed this story out you probably would have about a book of above 60 pages.
But you use such huge words. Some don't mind of course, but winglin is mostly filled with kids, and people who don't know proper English. To the latter, you might provide help by improving their vocabulary, but to the first option, you're just being boring and irritating.
You may want to use simpler synonyms for these words. Maybe you should use a thesaurus.
7. Flow:12/15.
-The flow was really good. From the beginning to the end, I wanted to keep reading. However, at some points it was more out of compulsion than interest. At some points, particularly toward the times after Hebe and Chun share a bed, the things just got repititive, like how she cooked bad food for him, or how he got angry, and to be frank it was a little frustrating to see Chun call Hebe a whore, when he was probably the biggest manslut in Taiwan! Although there was reason, but you cant help but look past that.
Anyway, the flow was going at a good pace until after the bed scene. And again toward the end, it got slow again. Otherwise the flow was pretty good.
8. Spelling/Grammar:8/10.
-No spelling mistakes. But there were a few typos and grammatical mistakes here and there that could be ignored! I think those were just a result of you typing away fast, considering how good your vocabulary is. Also you have a gift with sentence phrasing. I think that would help you in the future.
9. Overall Story/Enjoyment:10/10.
-Full marks here! I enjoyed it from the forewords to the epilogue! (Both of them!) I specially enjoyed the quotes you wrote after every chapter and how they went along with what is happenning in the story.
At first I opened your page and gasped at the number of chapters. I thought it would take me an eternity to finish your review, but then I finished reading your story in two days. And I loved every word of it. =)
10.My thoughts:Sorry for taking so long to review your story, I had some personal problems. Hope the review helped you in some way, and that you would find it a compensation for the time I took. Your story really is good, and I would recommend it to my friends. I hope you continue writing, and continue requesting from Fanfic Addicts. =)
Total:83/100.
Read this story: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Silence_Z
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I must say I'm pleasantly surprised by the review (I kind of thought it'll never arrive). By the way, the query about the age can be easily explained. Jiro was 18 when he met Dolores and Hebe was 5. They met 14 years later when she's 19 while he's 32. Chun on the other hand is around 10 years older than Hebe.