| Fan Fiction |
by MIzconfuz3d
MIzconfuz3d
Story Title: A Captured Heart
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/acapturedheart/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 4/5
I don't think it would really stand out that much on the winglin page, but the title perfectly fit the storyline ^.^
Poster & Background: 10/10
Both really cute :) I love the design of the poster, and the background + font is easy to read, and I don't get an eyesore after looking at it.
Forewords: 10/10
Even though it was simple, it got me very interested in the story that was ahead. The character lines were interesting, and I'm glad that you included them in your Forewords.
Characterization: 15/15
You really took the time to grow on all of the characters, and I felt myself becoming more and more attached to each of them as the story progressed. I love Bao!!! He's so funny :D I loved the line, where he was saying something about kissable lips, and the person was like "Aren't you a little too young to know if someone's lips are kissable or not?" and Bao was like "I think you're just jealous. That was absolutely hilarious ^.^ You took the time to provide background history for each character, and I think it really added a lot to your tale.
Plot/Creativity/Originality: 15/15
O.O!!! WOW. I honestly was not seeing the plot twist in chapter 16, where you reveal that Chun Faked the test results. That was great. There was so much drama, and so many twists in the story that it was hard to predict the ending. It was a perfect read, and the plot was amazing. I thought the whole thing was creative, like the coffee house and the the characters. I've never seen a story where One of S.H.E. has a child throughout the whole story ;D
Flow: 6/10
I think that the choppy "paragraphs" and the spacing was jumbled >.< It was hard in the beginning to tell what was going on due to the weird spacing. If you're going to make a paragraph, make a paragraph. If you're going to make a new line and switch POV's, then do that. But if you're just planning to finish a scene, don't put a new line like you had normally done to switch characters.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocab.: 11/15
will be seating” (chapter 1)
will be sitting."
you previous question (chapter 1)
your previous question
my diary. ” Mei said. (chapter 1)
my diary," Mei said.
your dad,” (chapter 1)
your dad."
you two” (chapter 1)
you two,"
ok. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Lesson on quotation marks -
Example
"It was nice meeting you two," Mei said. "I wish you luck on meeting your dad."
If there is an end of a sentence in the quotations, but you are still saying something afterwards, such as Mei said, you need a comma quotation instead of period quotation.
If there is nothing after the quotation marks, you put period quotation.
You have laptop (chapter 1)
You have a laptop
small apartment consisted of two bedrooms (chapter 2)
small apartment that consisted of two bedrooms
there was large (chapter 2)
there was a large
Seeing another theme, so time for another leson.
Lesson on singular items -
unless you see that an item is plural, you have to put 'a' before it.
This shows that an item is alone.
If something starts with a, e, i, or o, the word 'an' needs to be before it for the same reason.
grandma said. (chapter 2)
Grandma said.
excited the kitchen (chapter 2)
exited the kitchen
up and three. (chapter 2)
up at three.
ran over (chapter 3)
run over
everyone person (chapter 3)
every single person
would continue happen (chapter 4)
would continue to happen
After updating diary (chapter 4)
After updating the diary
tutor you math (chapter 4)
tutor you in math
mentioned that (chapter 4)
mention that
to you know? (chapter 4)
do you know?
sneaked out (chapter 4)
snuck out
I barrow your (chapter 5)
I borrow your
sitting here and cry. (chapter 8)
sitting here crying.
barrow it. (chapter 8)
borrow it.
excited the (chapter 10)
exited the
look at her (chapter 10)
looked at her
Have she dated (chapter 13)
Has she dated
not talking either (chapter 14)
not talking to either
You made last part (chapter 14)
You made the last part
moped the (chapter 14)
mopped the
to approached (chapter 15)
to approach
After seating (chapter 15)
After sitting
sitting the the (chapter 18)
sitting on the
used to be called (chapter 19)
used to being called
are you marry Chun (Chapter 22)
are you going to marry Chun
because missed you so much. (chapter 25)
because I've missed you so much.
already have a (chapter 25)
already has a
sadest part (chapter 26)
saddest part
it on dance (chapter 26)
it on the dance
I also think that you could have used a wider vocabulary. You placed very basic words throughout your story, and they add effect, but not as much as a... stronger word would have.
Writing Style: 8/10
You added the detail that you needed to within the story. This whole thing was easy to read and understand, and when the POV's changed it was easy to figure out what was going on. I thought that the spacing of the story was a little weird, because you'd randomly skip lines, even if it was the same scene, but besides that, your type of writing is excellent.
Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I did really like this story, but I found that I was bored at times, especially near the beginning. Yet by the end of the story, I was really hooked and addicted to it, and I yelled at my mom when she told me to get off the computer (I only had three chapters left) XD This story was really good, and I liked it a lot.
Total: 87/100
~Darkess, out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N:
Holy look at my minor mistakes. LOL.
Thanks for the review.