| Fan Fiction |
by amelila
Title-2/5
The title did not connect with your story. It does not match with the theme on which the story has been written. The only part that matches is the song which they're singing.
A better title to the story is recommended, as it is simple too.
Forewords-7/10
The Forewords is the main part of a story because it grabs the attention of your readers. The forewords scripted by you definitely talked about the story, but you shouldn't reveal the twists in the story here.
However, your forewords would have seemed more attractive, if you would have added a catchy prologue.
Nevertheless, I'm giving you an extra score for declaring it as a yaoi, so that your reader's discretion could be put to use.
Plot-15/20
The story was well told. It was simple yet different. Though, the plot may me termed as common, it really intrigued me. I like the way you brought out Yunho's and Yoochun's restlessness, Junsu's strong urge to help Jaejoong and the latter's emotional pain.
I feel that you could have included more of Changmin in this story. He played a really small ignorant part. Another point that is to mentioned here is that, you could have written more about the plot. Make your readers understand what's happening and why it's happening so.
I also feel that you could have ended the story in a better way. The last chapter only talked about the two making love. I would suggest a better ending for this part 1, as you're proceeding with a sequel.
Originality-4/5
The story was really creative and the originality was great. While reading your story, I could make out that the plot originated from you.
Grammar/Spellings/Transitions-9/15
I spotted numerous spelling and gramar mistakes, for example,
'crap' was written as 'crab', 'type' was mistyped as 'tipe'.
You grammatical mistakes included-'an arguement' which you wrote as 'a arguement'.
You don't write a phrase as 'opened wide'. It is 'wide open'.
In chapter 3, there is a line 'didn't want to have to stare at it'. The construction is wrong. It should be 'didn't want to stare at it'.
In chapter 5, you wrote 'laying in the bed'. This is completely wrong, as it has a pun in it. It should be 'lying on the bed'.
Making such mistakes can distract your readers, and disrupt the flow. So you should re-read and revise, it will help you and your readers to understand better.
Flow-7/10
The flow of your story was too slow at times, and too fast at times. You need to balance it more. Moreover, the spelling and grammar mistakes hindered the flow, as I had to stop and make out what you actually meant.
Your chapters were short too. The beginning was too fast, and the end was too slow and abrupt. Though, I'm ignoring your ending, as you are including a sequel to this story.
Choice of Words/Idioms/Quotes-7/10
Your vocabulary was basic. You used basic english and small words.. I know it wouldn't make sense if you used big words and your readers didn't understand but it's good to expand your vocabulary!
I'm really impressed with your comparison of colour red to love.
Details/Settings/Characterization-13/15
The personality of the characters were simple but you did explain much about them. You need to make your characters pop and make it seem as if they were real and not just a character. You gave them a weird habit or gave them a very unique trait, which should be applauded.
You also paid attention to the details and setting, which is commendable.
Enjoyable-8/10
I kind of enjoyed it. Like I said it was too fast at times and too slow in othet times, so the emotions were confusing.. So if you work on the flow of your stories alongwith your spelling and grammatical errors, it will turn out much better!
Overall-72/100..
Don't be disheartened Amelila. I'm a bit strict. But it's only to motivate you to write better. Thank you for requesting me to read your story! I had a good time reading them and I also thank you for requesting at Fahrenheit Fanfics! Hwaiting!!!!!!!