| Fan Fiction |
by biniBningPunkista
I gave him a side glance not sure what I wanted to know or hear from this man. The void that has formed inside my chest was like a black hole trying to suck the life out of me from all those years. I could have never been whole if it wasn’t for the people I met along the way.
“What do you want to know Toma?”
“What do you want to tell me?” I asked my voice full of contempt and anger.
“Are you asking why I left and started all those ridiculous things to keep you closer to myself beyond your mother’s expectation?” He raised his eyebrows just exactly how I do with mine.
I cringed at the thought that we both have similarities that was past my imagination. I hate knowing that we almost look alike, that he could almost be my older brother than my actual father.
He stared at me with those eyes, as if he has always been by my side and not just at the back ground of my achievements.
“Toma… my son.” He said it at last; acknowledging that I am really his son did not even alleviate the feelings that I have, even for the least. More than ever I felt like I was wedged between two people; my mother and this man in front of me. People I never wanted to be part of but have no choice but to be connected to.
“Why call me your son now? Now that I’m all grown up? Do you think you deserve to be called my father?” I told him with hostility.
“I wouldn’t blame your anger right now. All those years, I just watched at the side lines… but now. You’re a man. A man I am proud of to say my son even if you do not acknowledge me as your father. I am still proud of you.”
What’s with all this crap? Is he trying to talk me into feeling sorry for him?
“I’ll be straight to you my son. I left because I didn’t want you to turn into someone like me. Your mother didn’t want you to see or hear from me at any cost. I’ve felt the same way about it too, so I left. We… your mother and I, we had an arranged marriage. It wasn’t about a marriage for convenience, because as you already know your mother is a pretty smart and strong woman. We were initially friends… but never romantic. You were a product of a loveless relationship.”
I snorted loudly at his last statement. He was saying things that I already knew, my grandparents already told me about this loveless relationship that my parents had, so all of this wasn’t new to me. What else is there to explain? The man was a coward. He cannot even get himself to raise his son with his own hands. That’s it, that’s the end of it.
“I knew all about it already. What else is new?” I asked him smugly. What irritated me was his response with my statement. He just shook his head and smiled.
“You still don’t know why I really left and divorced your mother.”
“Why then? Tell me.”
“I was in love with someone else.”
Ahhh… so there it was. My father was living a life of infidelity. A mistress then… would I have some other siblings tucked in somewhere?
“Where is this person then? Did mother ever find out about your relationship?” I asked not because of animosity for him and the person he was in love with but out of curiosity.
“The truth is I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone while I was married to your mother, well not until the divorce. I was as faithful as I could be as a husband, Toma. That’s the truth… but I was in love…”
“I know! I know you’ve already said it, you are in love with another woman! So where is she now?” I cut him off before he could finish what he was saying.
Partly, I was relieved to hear that he was a faithful man. Although at the back of my mind, I have this thought that he must still be lying… but what do I know? I am just caught up in the middle of a mess. I know nothing of what this man is really thinking.
My father cleared his voice then looked at me straight in the eye.
“Toma, I was in love…with a man.”
As soon as I heard what my father said, I stood still. The cold breeze suddenly felt colder, the lights from below even brighter and I felt like this was all another lie. I was dreaming. Probably just dreaming? My father turned out to be gay. The sought out powerful man in Asia was gay. Kennishiro Tomoko is gay. How unbelievable is that?
I blinked at him once, then twice. I still couldn’t believe what I just heard. I shook my head trying to understand this whole thing. MY FATHER WAS GAY that’s why he left me.
“Son, I didn’t want you to turn out like me. That’s why I had to leave, I had to get away as far as I could. When your mother found out about this, she was deeply disappointed and told me to get out. That I should not be influencing you in any way, I tried my best to be a good father but I had to leave for your sake. I didn’t want you to grow up and be like me. That’s the truth… now that you’re here I wanted you to know this directly from me and not from anyone else. I wanted you to grow up to be a real man, a full man… not like me. Unless…” He looked at me with another meaning in his gaze.
“Dad, I’m not gay.” I gave out a chuckle as I shook my head in disbelief.
“Dad?” My father gestured once more with his eye brow.
Shit. It slipped off my mouth.
Truth be told, I have been longing to call him Dad… I have longed to call someone Dad.
“Don’t rub it in my face.” I told him, facing forward to the city instead of looking at him.
All of a sudden I felt shy, vulnerable… in front of my… father. Here he was, just revealing the thing that he must have hidden for years, in front of his son. How much stronger than a man could my father be?
“I feel relieved actually. I forgive you for all those years you’ve been gone. I think I do understand.” I said out loud, I could feel the weight of the atmosphere between us being lifted.
“All my life I thought I’ve done something wrong, have I been a good kid, you could have stayed. Mother… she’s… you know her. I don’t need to tell you what she is like.”
“Oh I know what your mother is like… she could be the witch of the century if she wanted to. I guess that’s what she chose. She wasn’t like that before you were born, I brought out the worst in her when she found out about my real orientation. Are you sure you don’t hate me? You know I prepared myself for you to hate me. This sudden forgiveness, this is not what I’m really prepared for. Who thought you to be this open minded?”
“This girl…” my voice trailed off thinking about Mao.
“Ah… Inoue Mao. The Inoue’s daughter…I’ve met them a few years back before I left you and your mother, I have actually met that little girl of the house, who seemed to be prim and proper but actually had a big mouth. I remember her asking if I was actually gay. I guess she wouldn’t even remember me and that incident.” My dad chuckled as he reminisced about this memory. I almost forgot that he took tabs about my life even though he was far away. I looked at him with awe.
He knew the Inoue’s? This is how closely my path with Mao has been?
“Son, I’m glad you grew up to be a man, a better man than I have actually wanted you to be.” He smiled at me as he moved closer to give me a warm hug.
As we parted, we both looked down at the city lights, finally enjoying the scenery.
“I have one question dad, where is the man that you… ano… fell in love with?” I asked because curiosity got the best of me.
“Ah… he died as soon as I was able to be with him. There was a horrible accident. After that… I never fell in love again, with anyone.” He shrugged his shoulders, making this moment look like just a father and son normal conversation.
I nodded feeling sorry for him for the first time in my life. It was always hate and the void that I had because of him, but all of a sudden there was none. I felt no pain. At this very moment everything seemed to be at the right place. I was whole again.
~To be continued~
This is purely a fan-fiction.
------------------notes------------------
Ah…. This is toO… dramatic even for me. I hate dramatic moments… anyways… I have a special surprise in coming for the next chapter. A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE! I don’t know if you would love me or hate me for what’s coming up next… I'll also be out in a couple of days, or should i say the weekend. Here's my advance chapter for everyone. ^_^v
Ja ne minna. See you on the next round. (sorry, my excitement has just gone hay wire.)