| Fan Fiction |
by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Title: 5/5
Your title is surely a very different title among other stories on winglin. It was creative and matched well with you storyline.
Poster/Background: 10/10
Love your artwork as always! It has a nice color scheme and nice blending. The mood of the poster fits well with the story's mood/theme. It included your cast and title plus quote so that was good. The bg was plain but it didn't interfere with your font so no complaint there, all was good.
Forewords: 7/10
Your foreword was long. It was also very interesting. By reading your foreword I wanted to read more. It was interesting and caught my attention from the beginning. There were a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes though, which kind of threw me off but other than that it was good.
Plot: 7/15
Your plot was very different, but it was disappointing. I liked the idea of your plot, the Jaejoong being blind and how BoA loved him. But I thought you could've done so much better, by actually writing from the point where Jaejoong got hit with the car. The ending wasn't predictable but it was so disappointing. I don't like the fact that it was only a dream. Before the ending I was also disappointed because of the events you chose to write made your plot cliché. I thought it was going to get better but it didn't for me. All I'm trying to say is that the plot was a good idea but it wasn't as good as it was ought to be because of the events you chose and how you chose to write out the story.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
It was creative. The idea of the story was creative but once the story went on it became like the rest of the on winglin. You chose to write cliché stuff which made your story a bit unattractive. The originality was okay. You did choose to put cliché stuff in your story but made them different but like I said, think outside of the box by actually writing the story as in real life and not a dream. By doing that there could've been so much to write about. For this section I'll give you a 12 on your creativity and originality.
Speed/Flow: 4/10
Your timing was all over the place for me. The part that bothered me was when Minho confessed to BoA, when was he ever in the story? How come I never read about him? And when Jaejoong yelled at BoA he forgave her so easily and quickly she also confessed to Jae so quick too. I think the story was fast, everything was sort of happening all at once with the "eyes" and pregnancy, confessing. Everything was fast. You could've balanced the flow better by slowing it down by giving more information.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
You had minor spelling mistakes here and there, you spelt less as lesser, it was only those small typos.
You also had some punctuation mistakes here and there for example your first sentence,
1. I let my fingers flow gracefully along the keys on the piano with a smile on my face as I let the melody surround me. As my mind float away, it slowly found itself in a locked safe far within my head, where all my memories were kept treasured and reminisce the one memory that changed my life... forever...
You don't need to cut your sentence and start a new one you can just simply do,
- I let my fingers flow gracefully along the keys on the piano with a smile on my face as I let the melody surround me, my mind float away as it slowly found itself locked safe far within my head. Where all my memories were kept treasured and reminisces to that one memory that changed my life... forever...
You can see the difference in both of the sentences. You don’t need the extra words and you don’t need to end your sentence, it’s not going to be a run-on sentence if you write it the right way by adding natural pauses and use the right words and punctuations at the right time.
2. “What are you doing sitting alone?” She questioned with a small pout, she doesn’t like it when I sit by myself and, based on her thinking, isolated myself to my own little world. Well, which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination comes to life. But for me, it’s a whole new different meaning.
You don't need to use unnecessary commas if there is already a natural pause. Like how I did. I changed some words you chose and used periods to end your run-on sentences. You added a comma at based on her thinking; you don't need that comma because there is already a pause so there’s no need for that comma to be placed there.
-“What are you doing sitting alone?” She questioned with a small pout. She doesn’t like it when I sit by myself, and based on her thinking isolating myself to my own little world. Which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination comes to life? But for me, it’s a whole new different meaning.
3. “I am gonna be a world-class pianist someday. BoA may dragged Jaejoong from his piano, BoA can’t drag the music from Jaejoong. Music is what’s in Jaejoong. The love of my life.” I reasoned.
How you chose the words and how you phrased it doesn't make sense, it should be something like this so it'll be clearer.
-“I am gonna be a world-class pianist someday. BoA may drag Jaejoong from his piano but BoA can’t drag the music from Jaejoong. Music is what is inside Jaejoong; the love of my life.” I reasoned.
4. BoA gulped hard before lifting her eyes to meet his directly. Gosh those deep dark eyes of his. And that smile of his that could make any girl melt. Her mind was blank when he suddenly spoke.
Don’t cut your sentence short and don't start a sentence with "And" it’s not right it messes with your grammar.
-BoA gulped hard before lifting her eyes to meet his directly. Gosh those deep dark eyes of his and that smile of his that could make any girl melt. Her mind was blank when he suddenly spoke.
You also need to work on your past tenths you added the wrong ones to the wrong words.
1.BoA watched the nurse disappeared before returning to Jaejoong.
-disappeared should be disappear.
2. Seeing the doctor’s whole body shook so hard because of his grip, Jaejoong immediately released the doctor’s hand and restrain his excitement.
-Shook should be shake, because how you word it makes it confusing, changing it to this would be easier to understand.
Seeing the doctor’s whole body shake from Jaejoong's hands, he immediately released the doctor’s hand and restrains his excitement.
3.“You missed him a lot, don’t you?”
-Missed should be miss because its happening right now.
The mistakes I pointed out connects with your grammar by adding the wrong past tenths and adding the wrong punctuation effects your grammar. You vocabulary was basic but you also used some big words here and there.
Characterization: 8/10
I thought you did a good job on the characterization. You gave your characters a distinct personality. Jaejoong's personality was realistic he did something that he wasn't suppose to do which everyone does. I like that fact that you made Jaejoong do that because he isn't perfect. BoA's character was good. She was a woman who is faithful and strong. I understood all your characters! But sometimes they were unclear to me because they change so much. Other than that I it was good.
Writing Style: 6/10
Your writing was neat and understandable. You used an equal amount of dialogue and descriptions.
I noticed that you used '...' a lot. You shouldn't use that too much, its being overused in your story. I understand that you want the pausing affect but you can do it by adding comma or changing the way a sentence is or just use the '...' less, for example;
“Enough… Don’t cry… please…” BoA tried to stifle her cries but only made it worst. That accident was just too much pain for her. Her heart became way too fragile after that… so fragile… that she unknowingly kept it away from everyone… even Jaejoong.
You use way too much. Like I said you don't need to put those for the pausing affect you can simply change it to commas and or periods,
“Enough, don’t cry. Please." BoA tried to stifle her cries but only made it worst. That accident was just too much pain for her. Her heart became too fragile after that… so fragile that she unknowingly kept it away from everyone; even Jaejoong.
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
I enjoyed it but I could and would've enjoyed it more if it was actually happening and if the events were different, by Jaejoong being blind and BoA loving him even if he's blind. it would've made your title much stronger and it would've been more interesting
Sub Total: 67/100
Bonus: 4/5
I hope you learn from this somehow and wish you the best on your other fics! Also thank you for requesting at Sheer Essence!
Total: 71
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Author's Note:: Owh. I knew it's all the same problem. I already expected it. Guess I am not good with short story since I got loads to explain and stuff. :P
Guess one of the reasons I requested for these reviews is to prove that this story isn't all it is although it got the most votes in the poll on my blog.
Wow! My grammar is really terrible then to be minor mistakes yet barely got half the marks for that category. Hmm... I gotta work harder to prove on that. I feel bad for making my readers uncomfortable reading my story just because of my terrible grammars and typo. *bows*
Thanks SaMaNtHa for the review. It's really helpful, especially where you point out the grammars and punctuation of mine. I will work hard to improve and keep in mind of those areas. You can request a review from them here: sheer-essence.blogspot.com
I am gonna make a JaeNie(JaejoongXGenie) version of this. Same title but I whole new storyline, since I feel like its such a waste of a good title when the plot I came out is so.... T-T. But still... should I make a sequel for the BoJoong one? Continuing with Jaejun & BokJu? Hmm... I dunno. I will let my readers decide that. Thanks so much for the support everyone. *bows*