| Fan Fiction |
by Xiao Wen
Overall Appearance: 8/10
Overall, it was okay. Marks given for readable text.
Title: 4/5
Though it didn’t catch my attention but the title’s fine, since it’s related to the story.
Forewords: 8/10
Your foreword’s good, you even asked some questions and leave a suspense. But I was wondering though, from your foreword, it seem more likely that Wang Zi, Gui Gui and Aaron are the main casts, why is everyone else in too? By right, they should be minors, though there are some parts of the story only have other couples in it, because overall, your story’s mainly about Wang Zi, Gui Gui and Aaron.
Plot: 12/15
The plot’s simple and at first, I thought that it would be boring cause I’ve read plots similar to this, but from how you present it, it was actually nice reading it.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15
From what I’ve said above, it’s simple so I don’t think it would be count as original but it was still nice reading it. As for your creativity, it was okay actually. But it was kind of boring to see some parts repeating over and over again, like Wang Zi kept silencing Gui Gui with a kiss as an example. Everytime I read it I’ll be like, “he’s gonna kiss her again” and it did. So yeah, try to make it different abit. Maybe instead of kissing her all the time, maybe you could say that he silenced her by placing his finger on her lips and then she’ll wonder why he didn’t kiss her. Something like that.
Flow: 7/10
I find that the flow of the story was going slightly fast. You could elaborate and write more things happening in one scene, there are some parts of your story that you would like, example your talking about A and then suddenly your talking about B. You get me?
Also, I thought that there might be an interesting way for the guys to bring back their girl’s love instead of like, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I only love you blablabla” and then the girl forgave him just like that. Like, that was fast. Try spicing up your story a little and keep it easy. There’s no rush. You could write that the guy maybe gave her a little surprise or something like Wang Zi to show their love.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocab.: 5/10
I detected some spelling errors in your story, but it’s okay I guess, everyone makes spelling mistakes. But do try to avoid them. Perhaps rechecking your chapters before posting them up. And, ‘throughout’, I think you actually meant ‘towards’? Cause from how I’ve read it, it doesn’t sound right. Again, with the same mistake from your ‘Music of Night’. And your tenses, if your going to start on past tense, keep it that way from the beginning of your story to the end. Same goes if your going to start on present tense.
Also, try to use more conjunctions like in chap 1 you wrote; I walked into the living hall. I saw everyone of them. Da Ya was trying out her wedding gown. She is wearing a white laces gown. Its has sequin at the bottom of the gown. The sequin form into a flower. It was beautiful. Mei Mei and Apple was fixing her gown. I shouted loud enough for them to hear me.
Edited;
I saw every one of them when I walked into the living hall. Da Ya was trying out her wedding gown and she was wearing a white, laces gown. It has sequin at the bottom of the gown that forms into a flower, it was very beautiful. Mei Mei and Apple were busy fixing her gown. I shouted loud enough for them to hear me.
Writing Style: 6/10
I have no problem with your writing style, but again, let me remind you that script writing is for movies and dramas only. But if you still insists on writing that way and your comfortable with it, I won’t force you. In fact, it was better this time. You manage to write more on each scene though not enough. And I think it wasn’t really necessary to write it in script writing, you could’ve write it normally. Like in chap 12 you wrote;
I looked at Aaron.
Da Ya Why? Do you care about how Ao Quan's think? (stare at Ao Quan)
Ao Quan: I don't mind.. (scare)
Aaron: Its not that..
Da Ya: Then, what? Don't you like Gui Gui?
Gui Gui: Da Ya! (blush)
Edited;
I looked at Aaron as Da Ya voiced out as she stared at Ao Quan, “Why? Do you care about how Ao Quan thinks?”
Ao Quan was scared and answered Da Ya with fear in his voice, “I don’t mind”, but Aaron denied, “It’s not that”.
“Then what? Don’t you like GuiGui?” Da Ya said, trying to make Aaron into their bridegroom.
“Da Ya!” Gui Gui blushed immediately when she heard Da Ya said that.
Next, could you like divide your chapters and author’s note? While I was reading, I actually thought that your author’s note was part of the story like in chapter 12. Maybe you could just put ‘-------’ or any pattern that you like.
Other than that, it’s fine, just try not to have too many flashbacks.
Overall Enjoyment: 10/15
Overall, I think I enjoyed reading your story, and my favorite character in this story is Ah Wei. He’s just too funny with his Ya Tou thing. Keep it up and I know that you could do a whole lot better.
Total: 70/100