| Fan Fiction |
by changmer_24
Fan Fic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/changmer_02/
Author Name: Changmer_24
Title: 5/5 The title went with the storyline and I think its kinda cute how you put those little decoration things around the title.
First Impression: 7/10 The blue font clashes with the background, like how white clashes with black, so it really hurts my eyes. The storyline was really kinda cute, in its own unique way. I liked the poster, but I dislike how the characters are blended just by the whiteness of the poster. Also, if I went back to contents and went to go click on, let's say, "forewords" again, the pink kinda clashed with the green too, which also hurt my eyes. (I hope that made sense)
Forewords: 7/10 You had a very well written summary. It was as you say "short and sweet." Your foreword was, in total, good. I took off three points because you only stated the names of the characters. You did not define their personalities or traits, nor did you write about their personality and their likes and dislikes in any of the other chapters. That leaves the reader not knowing the characteristics of the protagonists.
Plot: 7/10 Your plot was really well written, but I took off a couple points because it seemed that you tried to emphasize too many things in just four chapters. I think this type of story would be better if it were a longer story than opposed to a one-shot.
Creativity/Originality: 10/15 The story's actual storyline isn't that original, but the chronological order of when the events took place was creative and original. In the first chapter, one of the main characters' first kiss was stolen, opposed to a different story, one of the main characters' first kiss would be taken later on. The fact that the character's first kiss was taken by a drunk person wasn't very original.
Flow: 11/15 The flow was quite fast, so I felt everything was scrunched up and happening too fast, especially with one of the characters leaving for Japan. Also, I think it would've been better if either you had longer chapters with more details and they were less rushed, or having more chapters and instead of making this a one-shot, it would be an entire story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10 You always changed from past tense to present tense, and sometimes even future tense, which made it really confusing. For this fanfic, everything should've been in past tense. In the first chapter, I had already found a lot of grammatical errors. Here are some:
"Should've made her realize that everything I've worked hard for was for her." -- "I should've made her realize that everything I'd worked hard for was for her."
"I'll spend my time drinking alcohol in bars." -- "I would spend my time in bars drinking alcohol."
"I felt hugging her so I did but I felt her body stiffened as I hold her tightly in my arms." -- "I felt like hugging her, so I did, but I felt her body stiffen as I tightly held her in my arms."
"I saw her flinched from my touch, still surprised with my actions but I was too drunk already to notice it." -- "I saw her flinch from my touch. I was still surprised with my actions, but I was already too drunk to notice it."
"I cupped her chin with my hand and drawn her near me." -- "I cupped her chin with my hand and drew her face near mine." (you need to state what he's drawing towards his face with his hand.)
Characterizations: 7/10 As I stated in the forewords part of this review, you stated the characters' names, but you did not specify exactly what their personalities are, so you make the reader see what the characters are like in the story.
Writing Style: 8/10 I like your writing style, it's like many other peoples writing styles, yet different and unique in its own way.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5 It was a good story, but you could work on your writing.
Total Score: 72/100
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okhei, i'll try hard to improve myself! thanks for the review!!