| Fan Fiction |
by Chandra
Soon, guilt made a fist in his chest. He had never taken a good care of his wife. He had abandoned her the time when she had needed him the most.
“You miserable son of a bitch. She lost the baby because of you!” Bosco angrily yelled at him. “You don’t deserve to be here.”
Bosco began to launch an attack at Raymond. He was about to punch the bastard in the face, however, Tavia clutched his arm.
Bosco gave her a pleading look. “He did this to you, Tavia. This would never have occurred if he didn’t mistreat you.”
Tavia lifted her arm from his shoulder, her eyes sparkling with tears as she faced him. “It was my own fault, Bosco. I tried to divorce him. I was being a disloyal wife and a bad mother.”
Bosco shifted beside her as he held her gaze longingly. Tavia had an almost overwhelming urge to turn into his arms – to lean against him and cry her heart out on his sturdy shoulder. But she reminded herself now wasn’t time for passion and love. And she wasn’t sure how she could handle all these at once.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. A nurse timidly gave an apologetic smile at the trio before she spoke at Bosco. “Dr. Wong, I’m sorry for the interruption, but there’s an emergency. Dr. Lam expressed that he urgently requires your assistance.”
Not wanting to leave Tavia alone with Raymond, Bosco reluctantly left the room, thinking sarcastically how Raymond’s father had chosen a right time to demand him at this moment. He didn’t want Raymond anywhere near Tavia, especially when it was only the two of them in the room. Bosco didn’t trust the man. His worry soon evaporated once he saw Rain run frantically down the hallway toward the reception desk. Before following the nurse to the ER, Bosco decided to tell Rain about Tavia’s condition and the visiting room number.
___
Not long after Bosco was gone, Tavia lay awake in her bed, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. Sleep eluded her. As far as Tavia knew, she blamed herself. It was her fault that she lost the baby. Her. All her. How would she ever be able to forgive herself for that?
Tavia felt so stupid. So awfully, horribly stupid, and completely inadequate as a mother. As the truth sank in, she had trouble breathing herself. It hurt.
“I’m worried about you, Tavia.”
Tavia was startled at the sound of Raymond’s voice. She had almost forgotten his presence next to her. She sat up but still keeping her head bent, she saw his big, dark hand come to rest on the bed next to hers.
“I’m fine.” She managed to squeeze out. It was a lie, of course.
“I’m sorry, Tavia, I shouldn’t let you --”
She wished he’d go away and leave her alone.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She shook her head.
When Tavia found the courage to show her face, he was staring off the windows.
“I know you’ve been through a hell of a time.” He spoke as if he understood what she went through, of hell as though it were over. She wanted to correct him. She was the one who suffered and this ‘hell’ wasn’t over. Sometimes, Tavia wondered if it ever would be.
Suddenly, the memories filled Taviva’s mouth with metallic taste of fear. The incident left a scar in her heart. She would never forget this tragic episode of her life. She had been reckless and selfish. If only she had thought about the child inside her.
Tavia hysterically laughed with tears. “Oh God, what have I done? Now my child was paying the price for my mistake.”
Raymond was becoming more and more aware of this urge to touch her, to be close to her. Seeing her devastating nature, it pained him tremendously. Now, Raymond realized how much he loved her.
“You’ve done nothing wrong Tavia. As a husband, I should have taken care of you. I should never let you walk out of the house by yourself in such weather.”
Why had he not cherished the precious moments they had spent together as husband and wife? Why did he not treasure her and show her his affection when she was married to him? Was it too late already? The only connection between Tavia and him was their child, but now it was gone. Raymond felt as if he had already lost the battle before he even fought.
“Why is it that I so often fail at even the simplest things? Other women get pregnant and are able to deliver their children safely, but not me. Why?”
Recently, Tavia had begun to feel as if life and its many problems were bigger than she was – that no matter how hard she tried, nothing went right.
When she finally fell silent, Tavia couldn’t recall exactly what had prompted her to begin – or why she’d once again started to open her feelings toward this man.
Raymond fell quiet for a time, trying to convey his love for his wife as he bent down on the bed and pulled her into aching embraces. She sat still, her body stiff and her expression impassive, and Raymond couldn’t decipher what she was thinking at the moment. But as long as Tavia didn’t protest, Raymond was content.
Boneless, drifting, Tavia lay in his arms, disconnected from reality, feeling at peace. Sleep stole over her in insidious waves of blackness.
Raymond so desperately needed to tell Tavia how much he loved her. But it seemed inappropriate at the moment. Apology was the thing he needed and wanted to tell her.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
The words remained in Raymond’s mind along after he let go of her. He realized that sorry couldn’t erase the horrible memories from his wife’s mind. Sorry couldn’t undo the damage that he had done or heal the wounds he had emotionally and indirectly inflicted upon Tavia. It was hard to deal with the misfortune, even for Raymond, and he was a husband. His wife must have gone through hellish period of her life.
___
Rain knew something awful had happened that instant the man next to her parked in the hospital lot. Before he could pull the keys from the ignition, Rain flew out the front door and raced up the porch steps through the hospital entrance. She dashed toward the reception desk and luckily, Bosco ran into her and gave her Tavia’s room number before he hurried away.
For a second time in her life, Rain sensed some things were better off not knowing and seeing the minute she walked into the room. Rain felt a dull ache at the sight in front of her.
Tavia’s eyes were red and swollen from weeping, and she trembled with grief as she stood up from the bed, breaking her body from Raymond’s hold.
“What is it?” Rain waited silently, prepared to hear the worst.
“It’s gone, sis, gone.” Tavia responded, her voice lifeless.
Rain grasped the other woman’s slender shoulders. “Calm down, tell me what’s going on.”
Tavia nodded and gulped. Her eyes welled with fresh tears. “I lost my baby.”
“Oh, God.” Rain tried to tamp down the astonishment and devastation in her heart, while she gave her sister a consoling hug.
“It’s my entire fault.” Tavia cried again, her voice rising to a shrill pitch.
When Rain said nothing but only held her, Tavia continued to talk. She wasn’t sure where the words came from. They simply spilled from her, disjoined, sometimes making no sense, but like with her tears earlier, she couldn’t seem to hold back.
“Sis, it was an awful experience –” She shuddered. “I kept flashing back. I couldn’t get up. I tried and failed. The baby was the only thing that kept me fighting and living. And I just lay there helplessly for what seemed like an eternity. –”
A knot formed in her throat, and Tavia couldn’t say more, so she settled for shaking her head, as if to deny the nightmarish reality. Her eyes and heart hurt from the pain as those excruciating scenes flashed in her mind.
“I’m here for you, Tavia. I won’t ever leave you again.” Raymond spoke aloud, disrupting the sisters’ moment.
He put his hand gently on Tavia’s shoulder. It hurt him. Seeing her like this brought pain to his heart. And Raymond couldn’t help but blaming himself. If only he could reverse time. If only he knew all along that he was going to fall in love with his wife. Now, perhaps, whatever he said won’t mean a thing to her. And it ached so much that he couldn’t breathe.
And there was Rain. He always wondered what he was going to tell Rain once he saw her again. Would he tell her how deeply she had broken his heart? How much he had loved her. But at this moment, there was none of those feelings. In his mind and heart, nothing mattered except Tavia.
A burning sensation unexpectedly came up the back of her throat, and Rain was afraid her eyes might fill with tears. She hated herself. Her sister had suffered through this crisis, and all Rain paid attention to was Raymond. How affectionate his behavior was toward Tavia. How his eyes pained excruciatingly at Tavia’s woe. Moreover, a part of her didn’t grieve for the loss of their child. She did sympathize Tavia’s tragedy but there was no remorse in heart. Rain suddenly was appalled at her own sentiment.
At the back of her mind, Rain wondered if she was losing it. She’d being raped, one of the most horrible experiences a woman could endure, and she had not escaped. Her mother was dead. She had lost the man she loved. She didn’t exist in his heart and in his life anymore. Maybe it was weak of her, but for now, the stores of strength and compassion that had seen her through so many difficult times seemed to have drained out of her.
Feeling Rain’s rigidity, Tavia staggered backward and leaned herself against the wall for support. God, Tavia was tired, an awful, bone-melting weariness that made her limbs feel leaden.
“I was supposed to be relieved that I had gotten rid of the child inside of me. I was supposed to. But my heart is aching. I could feel my heart constricted and I couldn’t breathe. I could be a good mother, you know. But I killed my own child.”
As Tavia talked, she became vaguely aware that she was occasionally losing her vision as the tears burned behind her eyes.
Then she glanced at her sister. “I’m sorry sis. All these months, I’ve caused you grief. I shouldn’t have married to Raymond. But I didn’t know how much you love him and he loves you.”
“I guess, this is my punishment. I destroy both of your lives. And now this is the outcome of my foolishness.”
Seeing the two staring helplessly at Tavia, she knew it was time for her to leave them alone. Now, she felt awful because she realized what her mother must have gone through. Ruby had once thought she had lost Rain. The agony of losing her child. At this moment, guilt, grief, defeat, and helplessness, these reactions to the demise of her child were too overwhelming for her. She needed air and to be alone.
“I am going to bathroom for a minute. I will be back.”
“I’ll accompany you.” Rain offered for she feared that in Tavia’s situation, she must not be left unaided.
“No, I’m fine like this.” Tavia dismissed as she sauntered slowly toward the door, trying not to show discomfort and soreness in her body.
Seeing Raymond’s concern, Tavia forced a smile at him. “Don’t worry about me.”
__
Tavia walked slowly, wandering without rhyme or reason. She strolled past the child being carried affectionately in her mother’s arms. A boy was playing with his dog. The little infant was gurgling as the father tickled its tiny hands. Everything Tavia saw reminded her the loss of her unborn child.
“Why is this happening to me?” Tavia cried the words out toward the clouds as she had done so many times before.
The wind carried back the answer. It caressed her skin with a loving touch and affectionately ruffled her hair. The wind surrounded her, enfolded her in the beauty of the night sky.
Gradually, Tavia felt dizzy. Everything around her was spinning. She kept on walking, but she made no effort to go.
“Tavia!” Someone screamed her name.
The bright light of a car blinded her. Everything that followed was a blur to Tavia. The next thing she knew she was pushed off the road, then a screeching noise, followed by a thump of a body. BOOM! A body fell down on the ground with a thud.
Tavia’s heart clutched with fear as she realized what had happened. Her vision became clearer when she saw Ron lie on the ground with blood splattered on his clothes. Bloods were everywhere. He was bleeding. He saved her and the car hit him. Realization dawned upon her as she took in the scene played out before her.
Her heart pounded in her chest. Why Ron? Tavia ran toward him. Everything was in a slow motion. The truck stopped, but Tavia kept running to Ron. She was oblivious to everything surrounding her except him.
“Why? Why did you save me?” Tears sprang in her eyes.
He reached his arms out to her. Tavia immediately gathered him closer and pressed her cheeks to his head.
“Because I love you, no matter what happens, I will always love you.”
“Why must you love me?”
“What’s wrong with loving you?”
“Everything.” She wept.
Ron had a fleeting thought of Tavia and her marriage to Raymond and it was like an arrow to the heart. Good God, would his feelings for her never mellow? Even now, months after he had walked out of her life, his memories were as harsh as the morning’s frost.
“I’m sorry. I am the cause of your unhappiness.”
“Hush, don’t talk. You’re losing so much blood.” “Please, anyone call the ambulance.” Tavia yelled as she wiped off those bloods on Ron’s forehead.
“I can’t make it Tavia."
“But I don’t want you to go.”
“I love you,” He repeated slowly, as if the effort agonized him considerably. “Have you ever once loved me?”
She didn’t answer him. Instead she looked around to see if anyone was coming for help.
“Tavia, if you met me first, will there be a chance that you would fall in love with me?”
“Yes, I would fall in love with you.” Even more slowly, in a tone of realization and reluctance and acceptance she sobbed. “I would love you, Ron.”
“Tell me you love me, Tavia.” His last conscious thought was Tavia’s beautiful face and her tears for him. Ron closed his eyes, knowing it was time.
“Ron, please don’t leave me. I love you, I really do. I should have never taken you for granted.” She shook his body yet he never once opened his eyes.
And so Tavia sat there in darkness, rocking as she might a sick child, holding on to the fragile thread of life for him because he was too weak to hang on himself. The tower clock chimed loudly in silence. The night wind mourned forcefully against her ears.
The minutes dragged by, small eternities that mounted, one by one. Keeping vigil, Tavia lost track of time. Her eyes drew dry and started to ache, and her arms cramped from the weight they cradled.
Running a fingertip up the bridge of Ron’s nose, she huddled there in the shadows, too exhausted to weep.
===============================================================
Chandra
06.16.08