| Fan Fiction |
by Chandra
A baby’s wail. A fragile, yet shapeless nascent life that called out to her. She listened attentively. This time, the vague call resonated, clearly articulating each word: “Mama, Mama…” interspersed with these sounds, Tavia heard violent gusts of wind, as she watched the murky horizon reel before her eyes.
“Mommy, Mommy…” the call echoed again. She imagined the tiny face with blurred feature emerging from layers of fog. The face turned toward her with a pained, desperate look. Her heart screamed in silence. Tavia felt her skin and flesh tear in the embrace of this single cry. She sat up suddenly in bed, her face drenched in sweat and tears. She couldn’t recall what she had dreamed. However, the nightmare felt familiar and intimate as if a baby was reaching out to her.
Tavia froze, rigid, disoriented, her hands on her chest, feeling the rapid beat of her heart. Her ears peeled as she waited for the faintest sound from the other side of the wall. But all she could hear was the pendulum of the clock swinging, marking time in the silence. The acknowledgement of being alone frightened Tavia.
Tavia got up from the bed and walked toward the door. Her motions were mechanical, her face emotionless. Then, noticing that corridor was deserted, Tavia sneaked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
___
The feeling was coming back to her, little by little, as she knew it would. Her hands were cold no longer. They were clammy, warm. Tavia felt a wave of color come into her face, her throat. Her cheeks were burning hot as she realized where she was standing. In front of her was a large room filled with babies. At the door, the sign read “Neonatal Intensive Care Units”.
Suddenly, she remembered her dreams. Somehow, Tavia had found her way toward this place, where she can only endure the loss of her child. Her thought was unexpectedly distracted as she was shocked to see Raymond. There he was, standing outside the room before glass window; his eyes glued to the baby laying in the cradle on the right.
Tavia approached Raymond and looked at him, astonished at the sight of him crying. He turned sideways and he was also surprised to see her. His sad brown eyes bored into her. They were no longer ice cold but filled with compassion and sadness.
Tavia had never seen him in this state before. His face was white, and his eyes strained and wretched with that dark look. Tavia put a hand on his shoulder, a gesture of comfort. However, Tavia was shocked when he pulled her into her an embrace, his eyes moist with tears. He looked so vulnerable that Tavia couldn’t help but hug him back.
Raymond swallowed hard, repressed his humiliation, when he became conscious that he had foolishly hugged Tavia. He immediately let go, apologized few incoherent words as he wiped his tears awkwardly.
Tavia flushed. She felt all the blood in her body drain to her feet. Her pallor must have disturbed even him, for he reached out a hand to steady her.
Raymond took a step closer, as though pulled against his will. His hand lifted to her cheek, but froze before it touched her. “I felt much better seeing you here. I have to go back and see Rain.”
Tavia tried to concentrate on his remarks, but all she thought was how odd he was acting towards her. He didn’t seem like the Raymond she knew. Why was he so touchy, so helpless that she had forgotten all the abhorrence they once held for each other?
“What happened to Rain?” Tavia asked, realizing what he had just said.
His sudden reaction took her by surprise. His face hardened and a terrifying light flashed in his eyes. But for the first time, she realized that Raymond had changed, and this change both softened her heart and inspired her curiosity.
“I destroy Rain. I’ve ruined her life.” Tavia noticed that Raymond voice was almost controlled enough to hide the underlying note of agony.
Moreover, Tavia wasn’t sure what he was saying but she let him continue. Not only was she confused by his sudden confession, she was lost by his changing behavior. She wondered what had happened to Rain that made Raymond so miserable and pitiful.
Tavia had never seen anyone look as pitiable as Raymond relayed the excruciating details of his pain. Tavia put a hand over her mouth, trying to hold herself together. She shuddered as Raymond related the fight between him and Bosco. Guilt was eating inside her bit by bit. They fought because of her and now Rain was the victim.
“When Rain had arrived, she cannot have a normal delivery. So she had to be operated through a Cesarean section.”
Tavia squeezed his hand, feeling the tension knotted in his fingers as he dripped hers tightly.
“Though, she and the child survive the operation, she’s going to be a disable for the rest of her life.” Raymond said in a hoarse, choking voice.
His eyes became teary and his face was an expression of torment as he stared back at the baby in the room.
Tavia felt sad. A deep loss and sadness. A sharp pain gnawed at her heart. Her chest tightened, tensed with cold and distress. Tavia never knew how much suffering her sister had gone through.
___
When Rain woke up, she realized that she was still alive, not dead. It took a surprising effort to raise her head and look down at herself; her neck felt stiff, and a rush of nausea made her swallow hard.
She wished she were dead instead of lying here in this noiseless room. How many times had she imagined throwing herself off a building as quick, practical solution to end her grievance? She even had prepared her finals words for Raymond, Bosco, Ron, her sister Tavia and her father Jimmy. In her mind, she had rehearsed it a thousand times. She had wept for herself and her fate, following her own coffin to the cemetery. But she was still here, still living on Earth. Why?
She was lying perfectly still now, her arms at her sides, hands clenched into fists, staring at the ceiling as if she would find the answers to her existence on Earth. What was there for her to live? Nothing. Nothing at all.
She looked around the quiet, empty room. Raymond had gone. What had she expected? That he will be there for her when she woke up?
Rain wanted to sit up the bed but the tiny task felt strenuous. For the first time, she let herself become aware of what had been crawling in her subconscious, a cold and growing fear she dared not name.
But she forced herself to look again, to make sure all of her was there. Both arms. Both legs. However, her feet didn’t move when she willed them to. Finally, Rain rolled herself off the bed with her upper body, hitting the wooden floor with an agonizing thud. Pain radiated through her from the waist up, every muscle and bone and nerve ending screaming. Yet, her lower body was numb, not aching or throbbing from the fall.
For a second, Rain almost passed out again. With supreme effort and determination to stand on her own feet, she managed to roll over several times, each time a torturous ordeal. Each time, a futile effort.
What was wrong with her? And why can’t she move her legs? And far, far worse, what happened to her baby? It seemed an eternity that she waited, lying still on the floor while cold and wordless terrors clawed through her mind and churned her stomach.
Rain stayed in the shadow, motionless, silent, and not daring to breathe as her mind screamed. When Rain thought she couldn’t take it any longer, Bosco appeared. He rushed through the room; his eyes widened in panic as he jumped toward her and picked her up onto the bed.
“What’s happening to me?” Rain asked.
Rain stared straight through him, looking wounded and confused. Bosco didn’t know where to begin. While he chased thoughts around in his head, searching for words of apology, helplessness overcame him.
Unable to find a logical beginning, he spoke hurriedly, in short outbursts. “I’m sorry Rain. It was my fault that you become like this. I – never---”
But Bosco no longer knew what to say. His eyes were graved, his face an expression of regret. He lowered his head and fell silent.
Rain could not speak; she went on staring at him. Tears blinded her eyes she did not know what was happening. What had she become?
“Tell me, Bosco, what’s wrong with me?” Rain asked him again. She concentrated, fought down that icy, crawling panic.
Bosco felt like a fish, his jaw pumping as he tried to wrap his mouth around the right words. “The doctor said you’re paralyzed.”
Shock, Rain reminded herself. Just shock. She stared straight at Bosco.
“I’m going to be a cripple.” She said slowly, those words tasted revoltingly in her mouth. And the voice had vanished like a soap bubble.
Why did it hurt so much she wanted to weep? Why did she suspect that at least some of the perspiration on her face was actually tears?
She looked about her, stunned and stupid like a hunted thing. Why did the thought of being paralyzed and alone for the rest of her life leave her feeling desolate? Fate had been ruthless. Not only that Rain was still alive, suffering, she was also an empty shell, useless and purposeless.
Tears trickled down slowly from his eyes, glistening in the light of the room. Bosco didn’t wipe them away with his sleeve. He wasn’t even aware that he was crying. The tears rolled in silence down his cheekbones toward his chin, as he stared at Rain. The sight of her devastation agonized him. Not only guilt was chewing its way through his heart, so was he tormented by Rain’s current condition.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Rain, say something.” His voice choked as Bosco tried to swallow the tears.
Rain said nothing either. All this while, Rain gazed out the window, her arms dangled limply at her sides. Even after a long silence, she still hadn’t even turned her head toward him.
She seemed tired and lifeless, and she kept staring at the moonless window. The clock on the wall marked time with a dull ticking.
Rain finally broke the silence. “You don’t have to apologize to me.”
He moved closer to her, took just a few steps, purposely holding his arms akimbo as if he didn’t dare. Rain felt the jerky, hot breathing of the man beside her.
Rain tried not to shiver. Despite her brave words to Bosco, she wasn’t sure she could take many more such revelations. Not many at all.
There was nothing in her mind but blankness, a dark emptiness that frightened her almost beyond words. Rain began to laugh, a forced, rasping laugh. . This tragedy had poisoned her life, taking with it all joy, all warmth, all the happiness that left her only with bitterness and sorrow. Was this anger she felt? The urge to cry? No. she didn’t have any more tears. She could only laugh, laughing at herself, at her pathetic fate.
Then, she remembered her child. When she thought she couldn’t cry anymore, she felt the tears streaming its way down her cheeks. Rain suspected that the baby was gone. Her heart twisted in pain as Rain thought she never got the chance to see its face. She imagined the child’s features. Would it be a boy or a girl? A wave of nausea came over her.
Rain wept for her dead child. But she felt no suffer for her loss. She had become a disabled person. Who will take care of it even if it was alive? The infant would be better off reincarnated in another better life. Rain looked down at her flat belly and then turned her gaze away with a shudder as she thought about her child. Rain looked up and noticed Bosco’s guilty gaze at her.
Her breath came in shudders as the words she said to Bosco swirled like a cyclone in her throat. “Can you please take me to see my child? I want to see it even if it’s dead.”
___
Tavia decided that she would see the child first before she visited her sister. With the nurse's permission, she and Raymond entered the room, putting on their masks.
Raymond stood solemnly still while Tavia leaned over and smelled the baby’s skin. Her nose grazed the baby’s face. A light, warm breath caused a tiny shiver on Tavia’s neck. And the shiver spread.
She put forward a finger to touch his tiny face, to trace the arch of his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose all the way down to his upper lip. The little guy looked exactly like Ron when he was a child, a perfect copy. Virtually every feature.
Then the thought and image of Ron resurfaced in her mind. Yet, the sadness soon evaporated. A strange, unexpected happiness intoxicated her heart. Who could have imagined that this tiny boy would elicit such a wonderful feeling? It had given Tavia the feeling of finally having a child; from the very first look, she had felt protected and supported. She prayed that her sister would feel the same too.
Tavia imagined how quickly the time would go by, how the baby would soon be a five-year-old. She suddenly felt small and fragile next to this tiny child. Tavia then thought about Rain. Her sister would feel confident, consoled by his presence in the world. She closed her eyes and saw in her mind’s eye this tiny baby could void the emptiness in Rain’s heart, and bringing all the happiness to Rain’s life despite her paralysis..
He was born prematurely, as she had learned. The nurse also told her that the delivery had not gone well, though they had stabilized the baby enough to transfer it to the neonatal unit away from his mother.
Tavia waited a long time for a moment when the child would open his eyes, when he could see himself in her gaze. Those little eyes were the only source of light that could illuminate his future that would be able to restore the lost horizon of Tavia’s life. Those eyes would be her strength, her reason for living. For Rain’s also. But this child had no eyes.
As recognition dawned upon Tavia, her body shook in pain. The child was blind. His eyes were staring straight at her, through her, but it wasn’t moving, blinking, fluttering. It did nothing at all.
___
Rain approached the window and she saw her newborn son. The baby was lying in Tavia’s arms, swaddled in white cotton towels, as if he were in a cocoon.
Rain’s vision then narrowed on Raymond. He was watching Tavia, savoring every moment while she held the baby. When Tavia said something to him in a petrified expression, he leaned toward her.
Why did she have to fall for the type of man who would fall for Tavia? That probably included every type of man in the universe, but here she was, watching Raymond, the man she loved, fell for Tavia, who also possessed Bosco’s heart. And also Ron’s heart, who was the father of the child, Rain reminded herself.
Rain had forgotten that the child was hers. But she would have this memory, would always remember this scene. It was as if she was an outsider, watching them, a family, a father, a wife, and their child. Forever happy, forever fulfilled, forever perfect.
Raymond would grow old with Tavia. He would never develop habits to annoy her. He would never raise his voice, lose his temper or take her for granted. He would always be the lover, the husband as a part of her sister’s life.
Rain couldn’t bear it. She was who she was –not Tavia, and she was losing Raymond to Tavia the way she’d lost Bosco to her, the way she’d lose any man to her.
But actually facing the woman who had no idea that all the men loved her was a whole a different thing. A woman who held her son as if it belonged to hers. Yet Rain didn’t hate Tavia because she was her sister. Because she had no reason to.
Behind her was Bosco, whose hands tightened his grasp onto the wheelchair handle. Rain sat still in her seat; her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. And so life stared at Bosco and Rain in the face, ironic, mocking, as their fate strangled in ruthless, unrequited love.
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Chandra
09/26/08
I apologize because I think this chapter is the worst one I've ever written so far.
Anyway, [C-section is an operation by which a fetus is taken from the uterus by cutting through the walls of the abdomen and uterus.]