| Fan Fiction |
by Chandra
Raymond was numb when the nurse informed Tavia and him about the newborn’s condition. His body was stiff and he was not able to pat Tavia on the shoulder when he heard her gasp. He too was immersed in his own blame and remorse to give Tavia a solace she needed.
He looked somberly at the child. Due to the fall, a part of the child’s sensory function was defected. The nurse’s words echoed in his mind.
He reminisced the accident and remembered Rain’s terrified expression. Suddenly his mind was filled with an image of what might have been, and a wave of guilt rolled through his body, turning his stomach. Never before in his life had Raymond felt such a strong sorrow growing in his heart, slowly magnifying. So this is pain, he reflected solemnly.
Rain could have made everything so much easier for him. But she hadn’t. Instead of disclosing the mishap that befell upon her, she had allowed him to believe that her deception had destroyed their relationship.
That day when she’d ended their relationship, how could he was so imprudent to presume that she would betray him? Hence, he retaliated by deciding to wed Tavia. Raymond soon recognized how malicious and cynical he was to think that this would agonize Rain. Yet he had accomplished. Rain was suffering now. She had sacrificed her life and the infant’s for him.
Then there was Tavia. Raymond comprehended he was just using Tavia the day he’d married her. More importantly, he was responsible for Tavia’s pregnancy. Unpredictably, he fell for her as they spent more time together. Was he fickle? To love one woman and then another? Or did he plant all of his seeds of hatred and reproach on Rain that his affection for Tavia grew days by days? He was perplexed by the meditation.
Raymond now comprehended the pain of losing someone. When he’d ascertained of Tavia’s miscarriage, he felt nothing but numbness. He had imagined Tavia to feel relieved and free as he was. Yet he was wrong. She had gone insane that day. He too felt as if he had lost a part of him.
Although he’d apologized to Tavia about the misfortune, because he had blamed himself for the lack of care and attention toward Tavia, he had never confided to Tavia that he had suffered as well. And every time Raymond thought of the child he and Tavia could have had, he could feel that deep homesick dismay again, welling and welling, like an unstaunched wound.
Immediately, Raymond remembered clearly that day when he’d witnessed her suffering. She had mistakenly poured out her misery and regret to him. He had never seen her soul so broken and jaded.
…
It was broad daylight; there was no longer any pretense that the drawn curtains hid the sun. The light streamed in at the open window and made patterns on the wall. Tavia lay across her bed, her arms over her eyes, a strange, mad position and the least likely to bring sleep, but she drifted to the borderline of the unconscious and slipped over it at last.
In her state of slumber, she moaned and whispered Bosco’s name. In her reverie, she dreamed of him. His figure was so shadowy and distant but she could make out his form. He was reaching his arms out to her, begging her to give him a chance. His eyes were full of repentance and melancholy. But Tavia was helpless. She knew. She understood his love for her. She lay there; her heart cried in vain, her tears wasted, for he suddenly disappeared before she could justify her decisions to marry Raymond.
“Bosco, Bosco, please don’t go. I love you, I do. But can’t you see what I have done? What I am…? I once thought of having an abortion but I realize how much strength the child has given me. I have come to love it. To know that there’s a life inside of me. I must live and I must raise this child. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Bosco…” She wept.
Then her eyes fluttered and opened. Her heart almost squealed in exhilaration for she nearly assumed it was Bosco. Unfortunately, her husband, Raymond was holding her and an expression of bewilderment etching on his face.
Seeing that she was awake, Raymond left the room. There were no words of exchange. He seemed astonished and Tavia supposed he must have heard whatever she had disclosed.
Turning her head, Tavia looked out the window, then at the patch of white light the sun tossed on the floor.
Quietly, he walked back to her carrying a glass of water. “Drink this.” He offered gently.
“No.” Tavia whirled back to him. Tears spilled out of her eyes and trickled down her cheeks despite her efforts to banish them. Hating herself, she pressed the heel of her hand between her brows and closed her eyes. “I don’t want you to pity me.”
Tavia wanted desperately to be alone to weep out her grief in private. The mourning belonged to her, and the tears were personal.
Raymond set down the glass, said nothing and ambled away. However, her words stopped him in his track. “Why did you agree to marry me?”
The question flung out of the blue, startled him so badly that Raymond hesitated, if only for a fraction of second, but in that fraction of a second, Raymond wanted to give her a good shake and tell her that it didn’t matter. But the urge no sooner struck than a heartfelt regret took its place. This was his fault, entirely his. He chose to marry her and like a contagious disease, both of them suffered a transferable illness that was neither curable nor perishable.
…
It had been a lie, and she didn’t want to remember, but she couldn’t help it. Before she’d collapsed for the operation, Rain had heard his words. He apologized. He repented. It was all a mistake and he understood now. He still loved her.
The memory brought sudden tears to her eyes. Yet she knew deep down, it was her imagination. She had always desired to hear those sweet words and longing when she woke up.
And here he was with her sister. Rain hadn’t foreseen her own suffering, or imagined the pain of seeing the two together. Try as she might but she cannot repress a jealousy in her heart, for they looked content in each other’s company. And they were cradling her child. She never wanted a child in the first place so why should she care whose child they held. Still, she felt that horrible loneliness a woman feels when a man betrays her.
Betrayal? How could he betray her when he was never hers to begin with? He had never truly loved her in the first place. What he had for her had been pity, not love. Rain reminded herself.
And who was she to Raymond? She wasn’t in a position to be envious of their relationship. Raymond and Tavia were husband and wife.
Rain knew her rancor was meaningless. Raymond hadn’t done anything wrong. He and Tavia were not to blame for her senselessness. Rain had chosen to sacrifice her life for Raymond. She can’t expect him to be indebted and grateful to her for the rest of his life, can she?
But why? Why did she have to suffer this alone? Why didn’t he make any effort to fill the emptiness in her heart and act as if he cared? No matter how Rain battled her inner thoughts, each fit of jealousy like this seemed to distill a bitter sea in her soul. She was like a woman who was parched after crossing the dessert. Now that she was right at edge of a spring, she didn’t dare drink from it.
___
Raymond saw Tavia’s body tremble and cover her mouth in shock. Suddenly she yelped and Raymond followed her gaze. He turned around, and was petrified by the sight of Rain sitting in the wheelchair dressed in hospital gown, her arms dangling by her side, looking at him.
Staring emptily, he instantly noticed the spark in her eyes was gone. Her gorgeous eyes had been replaced by eyes that were lifeless and dull. Unexpectedly, a feeling of doom was mushrooming in his stomach.
“Rain, I’m sorry. I--” he whispered, his voice cracking, as he walked toward her.
She gave no response and Raymond hesitantly stopped at the door. She said nothing, just kept staring at him with those wretched eyes. She looked drawn, there were dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was wound in some sort of haphazard knot and secured with a stick.
She didn’t seem to be the same Rain, and it pained him. But she will never be the same again. The thought fluttered in his mind and he was seized to grasp the harshness of reality.
“Don’t. Don’t say anything,” she said, her voice breaking and low. “I don’t want to talk to you.” Her words sliced through his guts, and he felt it bleeding somehow.
“Please, give me a chance to explain everything.”
She gave a strange bark of laughter that sounded like a wounded dog. “There’s nothing to explain, Raymond.” Rain said. Her tone was bitter. Even worse, a tear slipped from one eye. “Please, don’t let me see you.”
__
Tears gathered in her eyes. Tavia swallowed hard and willed the tears away. She must not let Rain know. Rain must not see the infant. It will devastate her. Then Tavia saw Bosco. His eyes offered a gentle glimmer, but there was sadness in their depths that disturbed her.
She drew in a sharp breath, and her voice cracked. “No, no. She must not see the baby. It’ll kill her.”
Raymond completely understood and moved without thinking, but Rain instantly shot up an arm. “I don’t want you near me,” she breathed.
Her words trigged a knot of panic that he felt in his stomach.
“I don’t ever want to speak to you again, I don’t want to see you again – I just want the whole nightmare to go away,” she said, her voice shaking.
She used the wheelchair and strolled past him and through the door, toward her child. Raymond stood on the floor, his jaw aching with the flinch of it. He didn’t know what else to do.
_
It was her baby but she couldn’t touch it. Her arm wasn’t long to reach the crib. Worst, the wheelchair was in the way. She wanted to grab a hold of her child but the each attempt was futile.
Despite not being able to touch the infant, Rain could see something was wrong. His eyes. They didn’t flutter at all. Fear rushed through her. At last she began to feel tingles of sensation – bone-deep and as ominous as distant thunder – in her arms.
“What’s going on, what’s wrong with the baby?” Panic gripped Tavia at the sound of Rain’s shaking tone.
But before anyone could reply, realization dawned upon her. Rain shook her body vigorously, her hand trembled uncontrollably. “No, no, NO NO NO!!!” she repeated endlessly as if the mantra of denying would help her wake up from this nightmare instantly.
Rain felt like she was drowning in this delusion with bombshells after bombshells dropping on her. She had waltzed herself right into the middle of a freaking nightmare and had not been able to muddle her way out.
And Rain hadn’t predicted her own misery either. She had not expected the torment of seeing an infant blind and ailing. And that was HER child. No, she had never imagined, the reality was even more miserable than she could ever have predicted.
Rain suddenly beamed at the child. Then she piped up in that childish, wavering voice. It cut through the stale, tense air of the room like a bright blade.
“I thought you were dead, so I came to give you a farewell…” Rain paused when she heard Tavia’s rasping wheeze.
Rain turned to look at Tavia, whose beautiful face was crumpled by grief. She ignored Tavia and turned her attention to the child. “But I didn’t expect you to be alive and blind. Aren’t we perfect for each other?” She laughed at her own joke.
A rash of tears erupted from her eyes, and Rain gulped down a sob, not bothering to wipe it away. Then she laughed. She was mocking herself, at her own handicap. She was paralyzed and the child was blind. How sadistic was that?
Raymond sobbed out loud and reached for Rain, to touch her arm and feel the solidarity of her pain, but she drew away from him, continued laughing.
Tavia gasped again. It was so surreal. The sight of her sister chatting to a newborn in such manner was hysterical. The dullness in Rain’s eyes was painful to watch, and Tavia’s heart grew heavier as she thought through the possibilities. Had Rain gone insane?
Rain continued to babble. “Look at me, I can’t even take care of myself, how could I care for you?” Her gazes never left the child’s.
She said things that made no sense to Bosco, Raymond, and Tavia. She behaved strangely as if they weren’t in the room with her. The trio was lost in their own misery as they witnessed her behavior. They were perplexed by the situation and weren’t sure what to do. It was as if they were watching a horrorstruck scene from a movie and they were helpless and couldn’t take their eyes off the screen.
Suddenly, several nurses came in at once. Instantly awakened by the noise, Raymond recognized that it was the same nurse who let them in and she must have disappeared a while ago and informed the others about the commotion.
“Please…” He begged, not sure of what to tell the nurse. There had been something in his voice – the pitch of terror, maybe. Or desperation. And he stared at Rain, and he was terrified for her.
One of the nurses, aware of their presences, informed Raymond politely, “I’m sorry but you must be aware that no one was permitted in here except the staffs.” She then glared at the other nurse for carelessly allowing them inside the room.
And Bosco stood there stiffly, dazed at the situation. He wanted to come to Rain’s rescue and protect her. Yet he wanted the nurses to do their job and calm Rain down. He was torn. He felt as if there was a bit of reality gnawing a hole through him, and as of late, it felt as if that hole was becoming unmanageably large.
And there was Tavia. She ran to Rain’s side, yielding Rain from the nurses. “Leave her alone!” She demanded, frantically swallowing her tears.
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Chandra
May 27, 2009
Dear everyone, I’m sorry it took me so long to update. Please tell me what you think of the chapter. I think I lost the feelings of writing so you might the notice the chapter is awful comparing to other chapters. Please give feedback so I could improve.