| Fan Fiction |
by Chandra
Everyday, the nurses hovered over her, poking an IV in her arm, taking her pulse and blood pressure. Rain looked the same: pale, gaunt, propped by pillows, eyes firmly closed.
On the fourth day after a short coma, Rain woke up in a panic. Her heart was booming, her breath short and strangled, her skin iced with sweat. Her head shot up in bed, her fists clenched, her eyes searching the murky shadows of the room. Weak sunlight filtered through the slats of the blinds and built a cage on the thin gray carpet. Her mind stayed blank for an agonizing moment, trapped behind the images that crowded it.
As Rain lay prostrate, too weak to fight off memories and worries, they rushed at her like buzzards waiting for death. Scattered images circled around her mind as if it were attacking her brain. She saw herself in wheelchair; paralyzed. A blind infant. Nurses clamping her down while prodding her with needles.
And as the memories flooded back, Rain realized that old carefree way of living was gone forever – so she looked upon the harsh vista of the dark future. While reflecting her devastating condition, Rain thought she would feel something, mayhap a sorrow for the imminent, terrible fate of her child, but there was nothing; no pain, no tears, no desperation. She had not known a human being could be so empty and still live.
…
Soon days after days, they continued visiting her. Rain would lie still and stare emptily at spaces while they waited for her movements, any sign of recognition. She made no effort to compromise. She didn’t care anymore.
Rain knew her health was deteriorating and so was her soul. The nurses kept coming in and checking on her condition. The nurses had once told her that she’ll feel better when she was patched up. That day, Rain had kept her eyes shut and said nothing, knowing that some wounds never heal. Or if they did, they left scars that ached at unexpected times.
She thought that life was meaningless for her. She learned that when your heart’s been broken so badly that no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to put the pieces back together. Moreover, she found that some spark had gone out of her life. Constantly, Rain fought against a vague dissatisfaction. She had lost the will to fight and to live. She acknowledged that fate was cruel and elusive and she admitted that she lost this battle; her soul and body gave up on her.
Each day pushed her farther and farther away, to a place where she knew the clouds were gathering inside her. And she waited with both fear and anticipation for the flash of lightning. The thunder had started. Then the lightning had swept away the clouds that had been gathering for days.
And she waited. Waiting for death to claim her. Waiting for her life to end. But death came too slow, as if it was having fun torturing her. But she knew it will come. It will, eventually, she grinned at the thought.
She would wait for them too. They always came and talked to her. But she couldn’t understand what they were saying. She could see their lips moving but there was no sound. She’d imagined she were watching a television with muted caption on.
She straightened up as they entered. She knew who they were and she was surprised by her knowledge. She didn’t know why but every time they saw her, they would always have the same expression on their face; the grieving and remorse.
___
One day, Raymond entered the room, alone, and Rain never turned to look at him.
Yet if Rain had turned and looked into his eyes at that moment, she would have seen the agony that had overcome him. She would have seen not just love, but also submission; not just regret, but terror; and more than anything, the fear of an infinite loneliness, the kind that makes a human being weak and cowardly. But she didn’t see Raymond. Her gaze didn’t settle even for a second on his face, or on his body, or even on the space that surrounded them.
He hesitantly walked toward the bed, reached out and touched her face, but Rain recoiled, turning her head.
“Rain,” he said desperately. “It terrifies me seeing you like this.”
Raymond waited for a moment, but she was silent. Her immobility rent his heart with anguish; it was terrifying that she should lie so still. She seemed prepared already for the stillness of the grave.
His heart raced painfully in his chest. Raymond was losing her; he could feel it.
When he spoke, his voice was low, full of panic. “Rain, I’m so sorry. I- - I thought you betrayed me. But now I know the truth, I promise, I’ll treat you better.”
Shock robbed her of speech. She only stared as he continued. “I have always loved you, Rain. I was too stupid to realize it.” Raymond reeled, dizzy with alarm thinking that she no longer loved him.
Raymond’s eyes continued to search her face after his hands dropped limply to his sides. “I was foolish to let you go. I won’t make the same mistake again.”
He gently approached her and his arms reached out to her, hoping she’d give him a sign of approval.
But her head snapped up. “Stay away.” The color flashed back into her cheeks, riding high. Something not quite sane danced in her eyes. “Don’t touch me.”
Frightened, baffled, he straightened again, held both palms out, as if surrendering. “Rain, I’m so sorry I made you like this. It tears me apart to see you’re so distant and frightened of me.”
Rain lay before him, her face raised, her lips were not drawn, but closed softly, yet the shape of her mouth was too definite on her face, a shape of pain and tenderness, and resignation. Had she hated him so much that she was so afraid of him, that she didn’t want to look or talk to him at all? Raymond gazed at her, his heart beating strangely, his hands suddenly cold and shaken.
Rain stared at Raymond. In his face she saw suffering that was made old, as if it had been part of Raymond for a long time, because it was accepted, and it looked not like a wound, but like a scar. She was also shocked by the tears on his face.
She wanted to tell him that she had thought about them a lot, this she was suffering. She wanted to tell him how much she hated what Ron had done to her! It was the worst thing that had happened to her. Ron had raped her and yet he had mistaken her as her sister. But that didn’t hurt nearly as much as Raymond’s apathy.
She didn’t care if she blamed him. She didn’t even care if she had foolishly volunteered to be a victim and to save him. She seemed to be the only one suffered from this catastrophe.
“It’s over, Ray, you don’t have to keep up this act–”
Hurt knifed through him again. “It’s not an act.” His dark eyes saddened. “I love you, Rain, I do. I’m so afraid; I’m so scared of really losing you this time.”
“It hurts, Raymond. It hurts so much because I loved you! I really loved you, Ray. And that makes your cut the deepest. And it’s too late now. Too late, Raymond.” Rain replied and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.
Suddenly the heart monitor beeped and Rain tossed restlessly with her upper body and she seemed to struggle breathing. Raymond nervously got out of the way as the nurse came hurrying, checking the machines and tubes. Raymond wished he were the one looking after her. He wanted desperately to do everything for her.
Worst, he was told to leave the room. One of the nurses ordered by his father was running to him and asking him for a check up on another patient. Raymond reluctantly left the room but before he did, he took a last glance at Rain. She was silent, those wide, stony eyes of hers fixed on him, dead level. Then the tears started to flow. He soon felt his heart twist in pain.
____
When the nurse was certain that Rain’s status was stable after the sudden predicament, Rain was allowed one visitor at a time and only two visitors a day as the result of the visit with Dr. Raymond Lam. Despite his position as a notable doctor, he was, however, forbidden to see Rain, unless under dire circumstances.
Few hours later, Jimmy, Rain’s father was able to visit her. When he entered the room, she seemed to be asleep, thus, Jimmy gasped and panicked as he rushed toward her.
“Rain,” He whispered in grief, “my daughter.”
Her eyes immediately opened and emotions flew back into Rain’s face. A small smile played on her lips but failed to reach her eyes.
“Dad, I miss you.” Rain put her hand out to him and felt herself tearing up for the thousandth time that day as an image of her father had flashed across her mind. Now that he was here, she had so many things to tell him, how she wanted to spend more time with him.
Jimmy took her hands and squeezed her hands, studying them for a few minutes. A pain darted through his heart when he felt the calluses on her palms.
Rain’s heart melted. She knew he missed her too. This would be the last time she would hold her father’s hand. To talk to him
“I love you. You’ll be healthy soon. You won’t leave me, Rain. I was never scared of being alone, but now I really am. I need you, my daughter.” Jimmy said, and it looked, from where Rain was sitting, as if he was tearing up.
Her heart went out to him – she could not imagine how awful it must be to be so totally alone at the last stage of one’s life.
“I’m sorry, dad. I wish I’d known you sooner. I’m sorry for have not been a filial daughter to you. I am glad to finally have found you.”
“You don’t have to go. Ruby’s gone and now I only have you.”
Rain knew that her father had loved Ruby and had missed her dearly, every single day. “You must miss her terribly.”
“She left a great hole,” Jimmy said huskily.
It was an odd way to put it, but Rain understood exactly what he meant. When people you loved died, they did leave a great hole, and no one else could ever fill it up again.
She wondered if it had happened that way with her – that had she simply died, would they mourn her death and miss her?
__
His fists balled at his sides with a rage he hadn’t known lived inside him. Bosco flinched at that, the first show of emotion during the long stream of bitterness. His hand shook slightly as he reached for the doorknob and opened the door.
Before he could utter his apology, express his sincere regret, Rain made an effort to smile at him and said his name in soft voice.
It grieved him that he would never hear Rain’s voice again. He had heard her voice often throughout his late childhood and adulthood. And he knew that this was his last chance of absolution. His uncle, Dr. Rick Lam, had told him about Rain’s condition; her physical health was weakening.
A cold shiver ran down his spine, and Bosco put a hand to his gut, and felt his heart ache because he was going to miss Rain. And this was the only chance he got, to spend time with her.
“Please forgive me, Rain. I couldn’t, Rain. I couldn’t forgive myself. That’s why I’m asking for your forgiveness. I could never forgive myself knowing that I was the cause of your tragedy.” Bosco knew he was rattling on. This guilt was gnawing through his heart and he was too cowardice to deal with this catastrophe he had caused.
“I was a coward, Rain. I had been acting foolish. I’ve been blaming myself ever since –” Bosco sobbed, was angry at himself.
“Don’t, Bosco. Don’t blame yourself. You never meant for any of this to happen either. I just want you to know that I was never angry at you. I never condemn you, Bosco.” Rain replied, her calm voice falling like a cold shower on his anger.
He froze and felt lightheaded. He had beaten himself up these last few days that he hadn’t eaten anything at all. Now, he felt as if everything around him was spinning and growing darker.
The smile on Rain’s face gave him the strength he needed. The light in the room seemed brighter.
“Remember how you saved me from being punished by Mrs. Wu?”
Taken aback by the tone of her voice and the change of the subject, Bosco nodded his head in confusion. But he remembered. The first time he had seen Rain years ago at the Orphanage.
The warmth spread in her stomach and up to her heart as the memory circled around her mind, nearly skipped away, then popped clear. Hot summer afternoon, the shock of cool water, head going under. And coming up swinging. For a moment her eyes reflected it and made his pulse trip.
“Yeah, I remember. Myolie pushed you into the lake and Mrs. Wu still punished you afterward. I’ll never forget that day.” Bosco smiled, reminiscing the times they had spent during their childhood years.
“You know, the time living with you at the Orphanage was the best memory of my life.”
__
Since the day Rain had been attacked by the nurses at the NICU, Tavia had also been taken back into her room until she got better. She was permitted few times to see Rain and she was relieved that the doctor allowed her to visit Rain again.
Tavia’s shoulders lifted and fell as she gazed at Rain. Sunlight streamed through the window at her back and poured through the thin folds of her hospital gown. Her body was a slender shadow.
When Tavia spoke, her voice was low with regret. “It was horribly inconsiderate of me. I’m so sorry, Rain. I was an awful sister. I didn’t even come and look for you. The first thing I did was holding your baby. Will you ever forgive me, sis?”
These few days, she had thought about Rain a lot. She remembered the look on Rain’s face when she had seen Tavia holding the baby. Tavia felt as if she was caught doing something she shouldn’t have done.
Now her head was achy, her stomach knotted, and guilt was smothering her like a soaked blanket as her eyes searched for Rain’s.
“I had to. You’re my sister.” Rain smiled through the tears.
She paused and seemed reluctant to continue, but she continued nonetheless, “I once hated you, Tavia, for taking everything away from me. I once blamed you for everything. You had Ruby all your life and I lived my life as an orphan and never knew that I had a mother. And Ron – he r- raped me and you know what he had called me while I was crying for him to stop? He called out your name. Then I thought I finally found someone who truly loved me, I learned that all of it was an illusion. Raymond pitied me. He lied to me about my identity and then he made you pregnant and married you. I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” Rain scoffed at herself and didn’t bother to wipe the tears away as it rolled down her cheeks.
“… I hated you but it was never your fault to begin with. But it didn’t matter now…”
Tavia nodded her head and let the tears stream down her face as she sat still and listened to Rain’s words. She felt rotten and terrible inside. She had never been considerate of others, and she had never even thought of how her sister might have felt and what her sister had gone through. Tavia was in her own world of ‘love’.
Her eyes clouded over, focusing only intermittently now. Tavia thought she saw a thread of light somewhere in the depths of these immense, shadowy orbits.
“I’m dying Tavia. And I don’t hate you anymore. I just want to ask you about Ron. He told me he wanted to be responsible for what he did.”
“I’d thought by now Ron would come and look for me and tell me that he’ll take care of the infant.”
The hand that Tavia held between Rain’s hands suddenly turned cold. She did not look at Rain when Rain mentioned about Ron. It was a stab, hard and fast in the center of the heart.
Tavia looked away and let go of Rain and waited for her own hands and voice to steady. “He’s – go – ne. He’s gone, Rain.”
Dumbfounded, Rain stared at Tavia, unsure of what was going on.
“He –died- saving - me.” She murmured, rubbing her temple. Tavia drew a deep breath, braced herself.
Now, Tavia recalled vividly how he had died with his eyes trusting on her face. She sighed again. The sadness was still there, but not the sharp, desperate grief of the nights before. Acceptance was settling in.
“I’d forgotten,” said Tavia, and her voice was slow now, tired, without expression, “that a person died there was so much blood.”
Her eyes were an open reflection of her sorrow. “Ron was very important to me. I have taken him for granted and now it’s too late.”
“I’m sorry, Rain. Now I’ve learned that it’s me that’s caused you this unhappiness… this suffering… are you angry with me?”
“I don’t deserve your apology, and I’m not angry at you, Tavia.” Because Rain sounded hurt, Tavia looked up quickly.
Rain continued mumbling, her eyes suddenly closed. Tavia watched the fluttering of her lashes. Her tiny body shivered again.
When Rain coughed, tears ran off the edges of her hollowed temples. “I thought I should be happy that he died. But I felt no satisfaction at all. I suppose this is what you call fate and its cruel acts.”
Rain’s eyes were begging again. “Now, Ron’s gone, I have no one else but you, Tavia. Raise the baby for me, please. I know you’ll love him like he’s your own. Perhaps it’s a gift from Ron. I’m sorry for asking you to carry this burden, but do it for Ron. For me. I think Ron would have wanted you to bring up the child. Promise me, you’ll do it?”
Tavia hugged her close. “Don’t say more.” Tavia cried, “As long as you’ll be okay, I’ll take care of him, Rain, I promise.”
The heart monitor started to beep quietly. Through the glass window, Raymond saw what happened and was the first to bolt through the door.
When Rain saw him, she murmured something. “Raymond… I love you”
Raymond gave her a squeeze. It was weightless, dry as an autumn leaf ready to fall.
He then pulled her gently into an embrace and caressed her hair. “I love you, Rain. Please, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.”
“You don’t love me.” She stated calmly, her voice faded in and out, but she was lucid.
Sadly, she wasn’t listening to him. She stared ahead vacantly. She didn’t believe it anymore. “You never loved me, Raymond.” She shivered and her eyelids closed.
The steady beep of the heart monitor turned into a loud whine. The sharp peaking line had gone flat on the screen.
Raymond squeezed her hand and felt her bony, shrunken body brush against his own. Love, compassion, and the fragile bonds of the flesh.
So this was heartache. He felt his heart contract, and Raymond heard himself murmuring, “It’s true, I love you.” He shouted wistfully, his eyes blurred with tears. “Why can’t you believe me?”
He was looking at her for the last time, storing her in his mind for just such a time as this, when he couldn’t see her anymore and ever again. He reminisced thinking he’d never be able to say those words he could have said long ago. He would never get the chance to show her his love, his repentance. And he had to live with regret.
===========================================
Chandra
08/16/09
WHOA, this is the longest chapter I have ever written. I was rushing through this chapter and trying to post it up sooner so I bet there’ll be lots of mistakes. Please provide comments and I’m anxious to read your comments because this chapter does not seem emotional enough. Apologize for a not updating often and I know I’m losing readers, but guys, hang on for few more chapters, because I’m sure you’ll like the ending? Hehehee.