| Fan Fiction |
by Xiao Wen
Title: Breeze Love Sequel: Endless Love, The Movie
Author: Xiao Wen
Reviewer: Ryuko @ artsyasiancrew.blogspot.com
* Title 4/5
- ‘Endless Love’ somewhat corresponds to what Gui and Wang said to each other at the end. But it’s not exactly eye-catching if I was scrolling down the list.
* Forewords 5/10
- Too short and not very informative for it to be a summary. Since this is a sequel, it would’ve been better if you can provide a background to remind your audience what had happened in the previous story (especially for those who haven’t read the previous piece yet).
- I also noticed you’ve written this in script form, and it’s hard to describe the characters’ personalities during your actual story. So, it would’ve been helpful to put some personality/characteristics for each of your main characters in the foreword section (instead of just listing the cast).
- You mentioned there’s an obstacle – would it be the twins? Or the fact that Gui is suspicious of Wang having an affair?
- In your main cast list, you’ve also mentioned Aaron and Hebe so I was expecting more of those two, but they don’t get mentioned enough to make them main characters.
* Plot 14/20
- There’s actually not a lot that happened during the 2 chapters, considering that they’re supposed to overcome this huge obstacle in their relationship. You did, however, illustrate how frustrating the couple is in dealing with their kids, so that’s good. But again, you could’ve gone further with this plot line, maybe getting the two to work something out to pacify the twins.
- The arguments between the twins are great (I like how they kept interrupting Gui and Wang just when they were trying to get into the mood); it’s very realistic. I would know since I’ve seen that my friends and their siblings can get into a fight for the simplest of reasons. Haha.
- The Ao Quan teasing, though not of significance plot-wise, did lighten up the atmosphere.
* Originality 3/5
- I like the fact that you’ve pointed out a major domestic problem in a long time relationship – the lack of romantic time between married couples because of their children. Not a lot of fanfics concentrate on this kind of topic so the idea is quite refreshing.
- But the whole suspecting Wang having an affair because of a dream is somewhat unrealistic (what’re the chances that the girl in her dream is exactly the same person she met in reality?). Plus, the misunderstanding plot device Gui had when she saw Wang and Hebe talking is over-used.
* Grammar/Spelling/Transitions 8/15
- I find it very strange that you used 1st person point of view, yet, you use the script format to write your story. So at the beginning, I was actually quite confused as to who’s the ‘I’. If you want to write in 1st person POV, I’d suggest you write your entire story in an actual narrative format, as in using quotation marks for speech and thoughts (ie. “Blah blah blah,” she said.). This way, it’s less awkward/confusing, and you can delve deeper into the main character’s thoughts and emotions to make the story less mechanical and blend.
- There’s a messy mixture of past and present tenses – use one or the other.
eg. “I could feel the strawberry cake’s taste. I break off our kiss and stared at him.”
Either write, “I could feel the strawberry cake’s taste. I BROKE off our kiss and stared at him.” Or “I CAN feel the strawberry cake’s taste. I break off our kiss and STARE at him.”
- Sentences are choppy (eg. all those ‘I smiled’ and ‘He chuckled’ etc.) all the time because of lack of transitions, and that can hinder your readers’ interest. Try using more complex sentences and transitions (ie. and, before, after, so… etc.) to spice up your story.
- There’re also a lot of other little grammatical errors, for example:
eg 1. “Can we don’t fight over a cake?” should be “Can we NOT fight…?”
eg 2. “I quickly turned facing him.” Should be “I quickly turned TO FACE him.”
eg 3. “She exactly like me.” Should be “She IS (or She’s) exactly like me.”
eg 4. “There’s she.” Should be “There she IS.”
eg 5. “I and Ya Tou smiled.” Should be “Ya Tou and I smiled.”
eg 6. “Where’s others?” should be “Where ARE (or Where’re) the others?”
eg 7. “Why she’s here?” should be “Why IS she here?”
Well… I’m not going to go through the entire list, but you get the point, right?
- If you’re using ellipses “…”, it’s 3 dots, not 2.
- Maybe I’m just ignorant, but what does the ‘G’ in Xiao Jie (G) mean?
* Flow (speed of the story) 8/10
- I just feel that the scenes are skipping all over the place, but that’s probably because you didn’t place any obvious transitions between one scene and the next, so it gets blurred in my mind.
* Choice of words/Idiom/quotes 5 /10
- Your vocabularies are quite limited. Try to use a variety of words so that your audience won’t get bored. If you can’t think of any on top of your head, try looking through a thesaurus (if you’re using MS Word, there’s a thesaurus function – it’s awesome, use it).
- There’re also some awkward usage of words, for example:
eg 1. “Girl: Why you’re.. (got cut)” – I think you meant her speech got ‘cut off’ or interrupted. At first, I thought she literally got cut (as in, she’s cut by a knife or something).
eg 2. “Mei Mei migrated to France to persuade her dream…” – I think you meant ‘pursue’ her dream. ‘Persuade’ actually means to convince someone.
- Do not use chat talk language (ie. ttyl, omg etc.) in a story unless your characters are actually talking on MSN or something.
eg. “Omg! I did a huge mistake.” – just say “Oh my God! I made a huge mistake.”
* Details/Settings/Characterization 5/15
- Since there are no details of settings what-so-ever, I’m going to have to knock off a whole chunk of points.
- Even if you’re writing in a script format, you can add a lot more details describing the surroundings in between the conversations – it helps your readers imagine the scenes better and make it more realistic and memorable. So for example:
(Beginning of Ch. 2) “I sat on my place.” Instead of just leaving off at that, try to describe the office.
Also, in the home scenes, you can use more descriptions to illustrate warmth and closeness of the family.
Try to imagine yourself within these settings and use the 5 senses (sight, feel, smell, sound, taste) to describe.
- For characterization, since you’re working with 1st person POV, I’ve expected some deeper exploration of Gui’s thoughts and feelings. You kind of gave me that at the end when she became suspicious of Wang having an affair, so that’s good.
* Enjoyable? 7/10
- Not withstanding the initial confusion when I was trying to figure out who’s the narrator, I think your story has good potential. It’s entertaining (especially the twins’ fights, the Ao Quan scene), but sometimes I find Gui and Wang’s relationship is a bit overdone (as in, it’s too mushy and lovey dovey) and that actually tempts me to just breeze through the section as quickly as possible. You just need to watch out for your grammar and writing style.
* Over All Score 59/100