| Fan Fiction |
by howlspet
All he heard was the response. Whispered.
“I love you, too, Jaejoong.”
* * *
Carefully, Yunho shut the door behind himself and went across the hall to his own room. His only thought at this moment was to rest; all he wanted to do was lay down and let his mind drift absolutely free of any thoughts about what the morrow called for, about all the things he needed to do. Right now, all Yunho wanted to do was rest.
Tiredly, he aimed himself for the shower, first. Back when he was younger, back before Mom died, she used to tease Yunho about his showers. She would say to him that one day, he was going to par-boil himself, that water was so hot. And he would be in there for hours. Sometimes, even now, as he stepped into the tub, Yunho could almost fancy he heard his mother’s knock on the door, calling for him to come out.
Standing under the heavy fall of the water, Yunho smiled. He remembered how every time Mom banged on the door, he would call out how he’d be out in just a second, and then, fifteen minutes later, she’d be knocking again.
Tilting his chin back, Yunho thought how there was not time for that nowadays. Now, when he took a shower, he stepped in the moment the water was tepid and in two minutes flat, fast enough to make a solider proud, he was done. If Jae should call to him, Yunho couldn’t use the excuse that he failed to hear his brother because he was in the shower.
Stepping out, Yunho paused for a moment, as he had so many times before, and listened. He listened to hear if Jae was calling him, if Jae needed him. Past instances trained Yunho to do this, for there was one night when Jae did need him.
Back then, it was Christmas break and Jae was home from school for two weeks. He was so happy to be home and everything Yunho did with him, all the places he took him, all the games they played together at night seemed to mean so much to Jae. Back then, it was like every day to Jae was a gift; his eyes were brilliantly lit, he was so happy to spend all this time with his brother.
One night, Yunho planned for them to watch a movie in their sleeping bags. Jae practically jumped at the idea and even while tucked up in his “sleepy bag” as he called it, wiggled around in pure excitement.
The two of them watched the movie, ate some popcorn, and the hours passed very quickly.
At a certain point, though, Yunho looked over to his brother to see how he was handling the movie, to see if this rather dramatic moment was going to be too much for Jae. Yunho looked over and saw that Jae had actually fallen asleep, his breathing deep and measured. Jae was not a light sleeper and Yunho pondered the moment as one being perfect to go and wash up. After all, with Jae beside every moment of the day, Yunho had not had time to shower that day; he felt grimy. And now, with his brother fast asleep, curled up in the sleeping bag, it seemed the perfect opportunity to go upstairs and wash. After all, he knew how to take a fast shower and would surely be back down long before Jae woke up.
Thinking back on that, Yunho wondered now how he could have been so naïve. But upstairs he went and took his shower in self-assuredness.
At first, Yunho thought his ears were playing tricks on him. The volume from downstairs couldn’t really be that loud; yet, standing under the fall of the water, Yunho swore he heard a scream. It was a terrible cry, like a child thinking it has lost its mother.
Like a child.
A child.
Jaejoong!
Not even bothering to turn the water off, Yunho scrambled to get out of the bathroom, threw a robe around himself, and raced down the stairs. Jae was screaming, crying out his brother’s name in total terror of having woken up alone. Yunho was not there.
Bursting into the room, Yunho saw Jaejoong sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chin, rocking back and forth, in a vain attempt to calm himself, crying wildly. There was no reason in Jae’s mind that Yunho just stepped out of the room for a moment and would be back. There was no voice in Jaejoong’s mind to tell him to go look for his brother. No. All Jae knew was that Yunho was not there. Yunho was gone.
Breathless, Yunho grabbed Jaejoong and pulled him close. He felt his brother’s slender frame tremble, felt how his chest heaved as he gasped for breath between sobs. Yunho held him tight, almost as if he could press away how stupid he, himself, had been, how thoughtless.
His own words to Jae were soothing and gentle.
His words to himself were harsh and hateful.
But right now, collapsing with a certain amount of relish into his bed, Yunho tried to wipe the memory of that night away. Right now, feeling very refreshed, laid back in the dark quiet of his room, Yunho closed his eyes and let his mind drift. For just a moment, he wanted to let his imagination bask in the cool silence of the night. If the mind, the thoughts, could take a breath, could release an exhale, could feel one brief reprieve from the thundering assault of the everyday, Yunho wanted that to be it to be this moment. Right now-nothing.
However, Yunho’s weary mind was not used to reprieve; his thoughts were trained to race quickly from one responsibility to the next. And even in the peace of this night, the oncoming day and all its duties intruded themselves into Yunho’s thoughts. Vainly, he lifted his arm and lay it across his eyes, as if to block the onslaught. His effort was useless, though and all too quickly a long line of “to-do’s” poured over him.
Turning over, Yunho tried to think what, of all the “to-do’s,” was most important. He needed to take Jae to school tomorrow, but be able to leave work early because Jae had a doctor’s appointment. On the first Tuesday of every month, Jae was scheduled to have a check-up. It was routine. Sometimes, it was almost more for Jaejoong’s medications to be refilled than it was for him to be examined.
Yet that didn’t really matter. What did matter, however, was how much Jae hated going to the doctor. Granted, the young man had been going to the doctor every month of his life since the accident, but if one were to see Jae, they would think it was his first time ever. He trembled, held Yunho’s hand. Sometimes, he even cried. There had been instances where Yunho practically carried Jae inside, he threw such a fit.
Yunho groaned and pulled the covers over his head. He wouldn’t tell Jae till after school. It seemed somewhat unkind to trick him like that, but experience taught Yunho that if he told Jae about the appointment before school, Jae would not go to school. So, there are time when one does what one must.
Other necessaries pranced about for their turn in the young man’s mind, but somehow, without even trying, Yunho fell asleep. All thoughts drifted away under the tumble of slumber. And like the night covers the earth, so that all creatures may rest, so does sleep cover our bodies that we may escape the day.
* * *
What time was it? Yunho didn’t know.
What woke him up? At first, he was not entirely sure. He was not sure how a softness could waken him. In that scattered state of mind between awake and asleep, Yunho wondered absentmindedly if a butterfly landed on his hand, so soft and light was the touch. But a moment more and Yunho felt something else. Warmth. The warmth of another body. He turned over, and saw Jaejoong sitting, cross-legged, alongside of him.
In the dark, at first glance, Jae looked like he was a character stepped out of a young child’s fantasy story. Sitting there, with the evening’s light playing across his face, his skin looked wonderfully bright and even starlight itself played in the dark eyes. And with his head titled charmingly off to one side, Jaejoong looked like an elf, pondering a mortal being.
For one brief moment, Yunho marveled at him. And in the next, feeling a heaviness steal over his body, Yunho bemoaned that Jae had woken him up.
“Jae,” he croaked. “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be asleep.”
“I can’t sleep. It’s lonely in my room. I’m cold.”
“Jae,” began Yunho, trying to prop himself up on one arm, “It’s very late. You need to go back to bed.”
“Can I sleep with you?”
Yunho sighed. It had been a long time since Jae asked that question; he thought his brother had grown out of that. He thought, somehow, Jae had matured enough not to ask that anymore. Oh sure, there were exceptions. Rainstorms scared Jae. Scary movies gave him nightmares. Sure, there were times when Yunho let his brother come into bed with him. Yet, he had been trying, over the past few years to wean Jae off of those habits. He was getting too old now; he was a man even if there were only physical traces of it.
Only physical.
Looking up to Jae, Yunho felt that pang scratch his heart. It would always be only physical. Inside, Jaejoong would always be a child who needed someone to rock him to sleep at night. Needed someone to stroke his face until he fell asleep.
It would never change.
“Go to sleep,” snapped Yunho, turning around.
“B-but, Yunho,” Jae stuttered. “I-I-”
“Go to sleep,” came the sharp reply, spoken through clenched teeth.
A quiet moment passed and Yunho heard the bed creak as Jae moved to get off. But he heard something else too. He heard Jae sniff. The sound shot through Yunho, blasting away every angry urge he entertained a moment ago. Because a moment ago, he hurt his brother’s feelings.
Pressing his hand to his temples, thinking how selfish he was, Yunho moved quickly and slipped his arm around Jae’s shoulders. The young man’s head fell on his elder brother’s chest and Yunho, putting the other arm around Jae, held him, rocked him, there in the quiet.
Maybe Jae was crying; Yunho couldn’t bear to look. But he held his brother and in soft words said, “Jae, I want you to go to sleep. I’ll come in and put you back to bed and I’ll stay there till you fall asleep. But I want you to go to bed; you’re a big guy now. Okay?”
“Mmm-hmm,” murmured Jaejoong. “But Yunho,” he said suddenly, looking up at his brother, “Will you sing the Carry song?”
The Carry song was actually an old Irish tune that Jaejoong heard one day, Yunho never knew where, and immediately latched onto. It was by far, his favorite song and he asked Yunho to sing it always.
“Yea,” replied Yunho. “I’ll sing it right now.”
He began, slow and soft, his voice wafting through the stillness of the night, deep and true-
“I wish I was in Carrickfergus, only for nights in Ballygrand. I would swim over the deepest ocean. The deepest ocean, for my love to find./But the sea is wide and I cannot swim over. Neither have I the wings to fly. If I could find me a handsome boatman, to ferry me over to my love and die./My childhood days, bring back sad reflections of happy times, spent so long ago. My childhood friends and my own relations, have all passed on now, like melting snow./But I spend my days in endless roaming. Soft is the grass. My bed is free. Ah! To be back now in Carrickfergus-on that long road, to the sea./ I’m drunk today and I’m seldom sober. A handsome rover, from town to town./Ah! But I’m sick now and my days are numbered. Come all you young men-and lay me down.”
Finishing the melody, Yunho turned to look at Jae. He was asleep. Carefully, Yunho slipped one arm under his brother’s legs and lifted him up, as gently as a father lifts his own child. With Jaejoong cradled in his arms, Yunho carried him back to his room and set him down in the bed. Gently, he lifted the covers, pulling them up to Jae’s chin. And bending low, he stroked Jae’s face once, before placing a kiss on his forehead, tenderly, almost reverentially. And then Yunho walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.