| Fan Fiction |
by Joesline
Yes, it knocked into my door and shut behind it. Not noticing, love had sneaked in and stayed. I didn't realize my change but eyes around could witness my enthusiasms towards the new life I called.
Remembering the vows we had back in the past with my past boyfriends, of the rings, couple tee shirts, neo prints and the status we would put to acknowledge one another. It was lovely back then but that's is just it. No other than lovely, being happy was still far from the doings we had. I knew deep down, I couldn't find the door to the love I had again and I tried finding my means with materials of the outside.
As I walked on with my new life, my eyes vividly changed its perception. To understanding from the start of his goals, his ambitions, his life and the people those were important to him. To me, I am a passerby in his life and had decided to walk on with him for now. I didn't ask for his time, didn't go on trying to share a future with him but kept quiet to myself.
Things changed, my thoughts were selfless as I realized. Rather than being a person taking control of a relationship in the past, I choose to be simple. Simple enough that liking him was just a word. His name remain as what it is without any amendments to prove my lovingly action. I told myself, 'I like his name and any other kind of lovely nick just spoils his beautiful name.' And so, his remained even until now. Nothing change but my heart had changed.
With a life being together was unexpected. Time that we had spent with each other was toxicating. We did almost everything on earth to enjoy one another's company. We went through all the excitement and stayed by each other's side for their needs. Time was not a matter to us, time was just a tickling clock that counted down how much we would be separated again for the reality that we had to face. Going back to the one person's life when he's not around, I learnt my independence but I dreaded so much for him. Yes, I missed him. Yes, that's was tormenting because when you feel him so near you but your fingers couldn't touch physically of the person that was in your mind.
My heart beats again, strong and steady yet passionate to the rhythm. He was the reason and I had been so long, not feeling love again but I didn't know the cause. I remained believing it was just infatuation and his looks.
Just as days passed so fast for us, I never see myself going to get a day of boredom in the future I could imagine. What's like to go on without him, I feared. So afraid that I tried running off. Again, my selfish thoughts woke me up from my dreams. Telling me how silly I should be afraid, it had never been so real in the past. I never feared of the leaving and dreaded so much in the past that the guys would leave me on their accord but they never and I hated.
'Go off, feelings. Stop passing by and never move on.' I lied, convincing myself that I can live without him. Even how much he would say he would never leave my side, I didn't believe at all because everything has its possibilities. Seeing the cruel and ugly side of guys, I was even certain that guys dumped their girls after she would be all over him. That's the reason I never want to love, afraid of betrayals. Afraid of the weak and lonely heart would bleed.
Days ticked off as the ten days' trip came nearer to deadline. I sighed to myself, 'Can I not go?' I wished so much to stay here and see him every single day. The fact that I will be leaving for ten days and not able to contact him at all means, I dreaded even more that I wished something bad would happen to me and I could stay.
Yes, it did. My leg's old ailment was back and I had a hard time moving around. Happily I am, I hid it well. I was glad I am injured to be able to stay.
However, I regretted. He took it like his duty. He took it like it was his job to take care of me at all cost. Even it's going to carry me down the stairs, even it's going to wash my injuries or do the new bandage, I see him doing every single thing so seriously and attentively. Like I was so important that he hoped he was the one suffering instead. I regretted at the old ailment and the thoughts I had.
When I was thinking of any reasons to stay, I didn't realize he would be guilty of for my reasons. When I was so happy I could stay, I didn't know I would farewell become a burden eventually on top of his heavy workload. I regretted so much, regretted for the first time that I was stupid to be even happy of the excuse for staying.
Feeling the regrets, I took great care of myself so that the ailments would be gone and I can regain back to the usual, following my family on the holiday trip. Even how much I wished that I didn't need to leave; I knew I would rather miss him badly than seeing him suffer for my pain. I cried quietly in the plane, thanking god that I had boarded the plane. My heart beats steadily even though tears were roaming me, "He will be okay without me and he will do fine because I'm alright."
I lied to myself that I am fine without him around. It's the only way to keep myself going off so that he wouldn't need to be responsible of my feelings. Looking out of the window, I smiled for my depth and rested my eyes to the dreams of where we would always be. The little garden behind, on that small shelter of a seat we would settle for spending hours talking our life... It's beautiful.
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© JOESLINE Creation ` 11MARo9