| Fan Fiction |
by babyblue
A high school drama
Title 6/10
Your title is simple and it’s not attractive enough to interest me. Also, the word ‘high school’ had been used by other people for a lot of times, which is definitely not a fresh new title at all. But then, somehow it’s quite related to your story like the story really includes high school and also it looks a bit dramatic. And last but not least, you are the one who choose the title so I can’t force you to change it, right?
Appearances (Poster/Background/) 4/10
Seriously, I think you should request a poster from a website and choose someone who is good in designing graphics. Your poster was too plain but I can see you have the effort of making it and that’s why I left you four marks for that. I’m sorry but I don’t think I can give you marks for your background. It’s completely white, which is not making the appearance any better.
Forewords 8/10
You make your forewords clear but I am perturbed by the writing style and sentence structure of yours. I want to comment you something about your sentence structure.
Your way of introducing Tinata (Tina) :
smart, funny, chunky, and cute, very straight forward
can be mean if she wants
dress like a tomboy, loves to fight
when people cause problem with her, she is
Cambodian, Chinese, Thai, korean, and alittle japanese
she was born in USA, but was force to live in korea with her grandma because, the place she live was very bad.
cool to hang with, new student at Seoul Academy the school in Korea.
You should actually write in a complete sentence like:
She’s smart, funny, chunky, cute and very straight forward.
She can be mean if she wants to. She loves to dress like a tomboy and loves to fight when people cause her problems.
She is Cambodian, Chinese, Thai, Korean and a little Japanese.
She was born in USA, but was force to live in Korea with her grandma because the place she lived was very bad.
She is cool to hang with and also the new student at Seoul Academy which is a school that located in Korea.
See? Would it be better and neater when you type in a complete sentence? Another good point of this is that readers would understand the characters much easier rather than reading the improper sentence and makes them having difficulties in reading it. This is only a part of the introduction characters but I won’t type the others out as I have already explained the way how you should type. It’s not wrong to use simple English to describe the story but as I had already stated, try to type with a complete sentence. This is based on my opinion so please don’t take it too seriously.
The Pace 8/10
The pace went a bit too fast in the starting of the story. I feel that Tina and Seung’s relationship is flowing a bit too fast. Starting they don’t really like each other and then, they started to feel something for each other in such a short period of time? And the part where Tina and Seung kissing on the bed in chapter 4 is definitely too fast for their relationship! Based on my opinion, if they have something for one another so early in the chapters when I know there are 40 over chapters, I may lose interest in it. But don’t worry; there are certain chapters which brighten me up to continue reading your story. I think you did better in the middle chapters and to the end as I don’t feel boring at all.
Creativity and Originality 7/10
Not much of fresh originality for the start. It’s quite similar to some dramas or even some stories that I have read in winglin. The story plot was indeed common yet it was somehow still interest me for awhile. But in the middle of the story, I think you did a pretty good job as the story is flowing better than before.
Writing Style 7/10
The writing style in your chapters seems a bit squeeze, though it stills can be read easily. I think you can leave a space after you had finished the first sentence so that it will be neater. Another part which makes me feel uneasy reading was that there are certain sentences which should have a comma; you didn’t put it but continue it to the end of the full stop. I have a bit hard time reading what you are trying to explain and I can say I had spotted this for a few chapters already. Example “I like u lets be friends.” Obviously, a comma should appear after the ‘u’. (I follow what you type in your story, though you were using a bit of ‘singlish’.)
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary 5/15
You have quite a lot of grammars and spelling mistakes in your chapters. In fact, when I’m still reading on chapter one or two, I had spotted quite a few. I can see you are used to type in short form, which I think that you should reduce that habit. I know you are trying to type in an easy way but I don’t really like too many short forms or even too many ‘singlish’ in the story. You have too many errors in your chapters and I can’t type it everything out in one go to explain everything, right? I’m just briefing telling you about how many errors you have. You have no much of vocabularies which I could find, which is I don’t mind about that. Oh no, there are some but not too much. But if you want to improve, try to make use of more vocabulary words. Also, I noticed you make used of the word, ‘said’ and ‘asked’ for the most of the time.
Example:
Youngbae said
“Yea me too.” JiYong said
“U know I’m in.” Daesung said.
“I might be younger but I’m in.” Seungri said.
“What is chunky doing here?” Seung asked.
“She gonna hang out today.” JiYong said
“Hey Tina wanna have fun before we officially hang out?” Youngbae asked me.
“What kinda fun?” I asked.
“Just say it, u coming or no?” Seung asked
“Iight…count me in.” I said.
I find that you had used too much of ‘asked’ and ‘said’, which I find it too boring. You could actually use some other words such as ‘added in’, ‘replied’, ‘answered’ or even ‘questioned’.
Also, what is ‘Iight’ means by the way? Is that such a word? Or is it a Korean pronounced that is type in English? You used it a lot of times and I have no idea what is that word at all. I apologised for don’t understand the word if that is a word you know.
And yeah, I also spotted some typing errors. Just a piece of advice, try to check your spelling by using software such as Microsoft word. It will reduce the number of typing errors.
There’s one part which makes me laugh for a few seconds. [” don’t you touch you bastard!!!”] I know you type it wrongly but I seriously find it really funny.
Characters' Description 7/10
Actually, this part is similar to your forewords. You explained a few details about the characters but I don’t really get to know the characters really well. You did a very good job by introducing the characters in the story again so I think you at least deserve some marks in here.
Overall Enjoyment 8/15
Honestly, your story has too many ‘fucks’ or even other bad words. I don’t like it and I mean it. A few of that won’t affect me by reading but seriously, I think you had put too many of them. I’m not a strict reviewer and in fact, I have given you the best marks that you deserved. However, I might want to comment you something about your chapters. I think it’s a bit too short for one chapter, not to mention that it’s a bit squeeze. Maybe you should type it longer?
Overall, I enjoyed your story but not that much exactly. You have a lot of things to improve especially your grammars, okay? I know you can do it because your English was not really bad. It can be improved, definitely. ^^
This is my first time reviewing characters of Big Bang and a fictional character as the main but I didn’t have hard time reading it, though I’m not familiar with the characters really well.
And yeah, forgive me if you spot any errors in this review. My English is only on the average too. I hope you are satisfied with the results of your review.
Total 60/100