| Fan Fiction |
by Livi
--John Donne
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After his departure, Xiao You put her face against the pillows, still warm where he had lay against them, and breathed in the scent of his soap. Was it truly possible, she wondered, that such a man could want her? She had trouble believing it, but she could not strictly believe that he would say such things only to deceive her. She was a rational person. A hardship of life had taught her to be based on reason.
There were still unfinished problems they had to solve, she realized. She also knew that they were a world apart. It was like he stood on the opposite cliff and there was no way she could do to cross over to his side. Although both of them wanted to break through the barrier the people put up, but she knew it would be impossible. Ximen belonged to the society which never tolerated women came from different class, sounded clichéd but that was the fact. Even Shancai and Dao Ming Si still had many obstacles they had to face. Her best friend was not like her, she was a decent woman nevertheless she still had many problems just because she came from deprived family.
Then how about her? She was not only an orphan but also a disgrace. Would his society accept her? What would his parents say? It didn’t need a rocket scientist that they would not welcome her with open arms. It was understandable they expected their only son, the only heir of the Ximen’s empire choose the appropriate woman. A woman who came from prominent family, adequate to their social status. A woman who would be equally wealthy.
She rose from the bed and started to pace to the tall windows dominated to whole room. The twilight moon beamed through, shining her pale face. Soundlessly she unlocked the glass French doors and opened it. Gradually she felt the cold breeze caressed her face and played with her hair. She walked to the wide balcony reluctantly before she rested her body against the wooden railing. Below her stretched out a vast carpet of flowers, well-manicured lawn and an Olympic-size swimming pool.
Her mind traveled to the promise he had made earlier. The promise how he would have made their first encounter of making love to be perfect. Well, that surely could be done few minutes ago, she thought.
A single sigh slipped as she recalled their situation and could not deny that she was embarrassed with what she had done. She had pleaded him, begged him to stay.
What kind of woman, he thought about me? She asked herself. Why it was so hard to forget him? What she had to do to exorcise him from her mind? Why she could not control of loving him? Why it was so hard to stop loving him? So hard as she could easily accept every single thing he had said even though she had realized how he had broken her heart. She didn’t know how many times he had done that, perhaps only God knew. She only knew how it hurt to breathe when her heart was broken beyond reparation. And she only knew the only thing who could mend her broken heart was only the heart breaker itself. It was only Ximen Zhong Er Lang.
There was another question that congested her weary mind. The question that kept repeating over and over again. It was always the same. It was about her status. Her life.
She understood perfectly that she would be selfish if she just accepted his love. Even though loving him could be hell, she knew instinctively knew being loved by him would be heaven on earth. Was she really a selfish person when she had waited for so long to have his love, until finally it was answered, that he returned her love? For God’ sake, could just anyone let her be selfish just for once?
She closed her eyes reminisced the kissed they had before. How they had been so affectionate and yet fierce at the same time. How his kisses had been so avid as if he had been hunger for so long of her. And how their kisses had almost led them to the next level of passion.
She never had the feeling with anyone, not even when she had been with her former boyfriend Zhong Ze. There was no man who could have given her everything she need because simply she had never loved anyone. By now, she knew that Ximen was the one man who had the power to give everything she wanted in the world just because she needed his love.
She still could feel his touch, his caress, his whisper of his tender words and his kisses. Why he was the only one who could make her feel brand new. Why she could not get him out of her mind? Why his image haunted her every single night. Why he was the only one who could make her lose his cultivated control so easily? How on earth a man capable to do those things to her?
But he was not any man. He was Ximen, the greatest Casanova. The most complicated man she had ever met. No man could have competed his charm of seducing women. She had realized it long time ago.
And now that Casanova loved her. He loved her! Although she was happy with the news, she was not in high spirits with the situation that sooner or later she would have to face.
She opened her eyes, feeling defeated for not finding the solution as it was already too complex for her to handle.
Slowly she turned around and traced back to the room. She closed the door behind her before stood motionlessly. For the first time since she had occupied the room, she was able to scan it thoroughly.
She started to explore the surrounding, glancing from one exquisite treasure to the next from the silk cream colored sofa accompanied by a television set to the Chinese vase to the other assorted antiques. And even as she appreciated the beauty of the room, Xiao You felt like an onion in a tulip patch. It was enormously huge and opulent master bedroom. There were another two doors that she predicted led to the bathroom and his walking closet where he had come in half an hour ago.
It was obvious that this was the heart of where he lived, the place that was closest to him. This was his private retreat, away from all the pretending of the society.
Ximen’s presence was inevitable everywhere in the bedroom. The room was masculine yet soft and warm. There was an unmistakable his sensuality dominated every detail in this room.
She approached to the console table and glided her hands there where there were few pictures of Ximen with his three best friends, laughing. A smile curled on her lips as she saw few pictures of Ximen with his three best friends, laughing. Although she admitted that all of them were handsome, but he was differently beautiful. She would never have doubted his sensual playboy rested beneath the ruthless businessman since she had experienced it before. She had tasted how charming Ximen could have been if he wanted to and at the same time how malicious he could have been. He could make the hair on her neck stood up, just by flashing a smile. He could control her heartbeat just by stealing gaze of his. And he could make her world stopped revolving just by saying his hello. Oh yes, there was something about Ximen. There was nothing common about him at all.
Her eyes moved to the piles of papers of his work that were arranged neatly and suddenly her eyes collided with a piece of photograph that was hidden slightly amongst the papers. Hesitated, she took it and found it was picture nonetheless herself.
A surprised registered clearly on Xiao You’s face as she saw her own picture. She remembered where and when the photo had been taken. It had been more than three years ago and the place had been in the bakery shop she had used to work with Shancai. That time the shop had been so empty, there had been no customer at all, then suddenly helped had come. Ximen Zhong Er Lang, Mei Zhuo Ling and Hua Zhe Lei had visited Shancai with an order from their leader, Dao Ming Si to take care of his woman, Shancai. Three of them had been willingly helping them by selling the cakes. There had been no question that they had managed to sell the cake within half an hour. After that five of them had seated comfortably at the stainless seats in front of shop to enjoy their drinks. They had talked and enjoyed the company leisurely until Mei Zhuo had suggested taking pictures all of them. He even had taken one for Shancai and her each alone. Since then she had forgotten about it until she saw it tonight.
Her hand trembled as she held her picture. Another questions started to come. Was it his way of loving her, secretly? If the answer was yes, why had he kept for himself? Why he had to act to make an impression that he hated her?
Sometimes there is a necessity that love has to show its dark side.
His words echoed in her head and could not deny the fact within it. Loving someone was not always being gentle, devoted and ardent. It was more than that. All what Ximen had done was actually to protect her from him. All this time he had not wanted her to suffer for loving him. He just had to do the only thing he knew, being callous. He had to be cruel to be kind, to save her. It could be called love also.
I love you… I love you damn much to cause you more pain that I have done. I know you would be better off without me, but I just can’t hold the feeling any longer. I need you.
Xiao You closed her eyes as another of his words came to haunt her.
Oh, God how wrong she had been!! How she had been blinded with his cruelty. He had loved her! He truly had loved her and because of that he had been suffered! She had thought that she had been the only one who suffered with this situation.
If only she could have turned back hand of time, she would have waited. She would not have given him up. She would have willingly waited for him to come on his term!
Tears rolled on her cheeks. As she remembered every single things what had happened between them in the past. It had been so contradicting! She wished she had known it or at least sensed it, but how could she have known it when Ximen had never given her a slightest sign, any sign of his love.
All those times, Ximen carefully had folded his love to himself only. He had smartly hid his care for her for himself only, not even his friends had known about it.
Nevertheless she congealed on the spot suddenly. Her mind started to play any signal or anything from Shancai and the rest of her friends. Once or twice she had seen something written in their faces, like when Mike had kissed her hands in front of them. By then she had thought it had been a normal reaction when swiftly the room had fallen into silent. She had not known it had been for something else. Their silences had been for Ximen as if they had been afraid of his reaction!!
Then there had been another incident. She recalled the day, it had been the next morning after they had shared the night in front of the firelight. That Christmas morning, Ximen had approached her and he had just wanted to say something when unexpectedly Mike had come to interrupt them and the only thing she had known Ximen abrupt action by storming out.
She had not understood what had been his reason to walk away just like that. She had always thought that he had regretted the night earlier and saw her face could only have added the regret.
Oh dear Heaven, she growled miserably as she shook her head. She asked herself why she had been so blind all this time. She should have known better, not only a skin deep. She should have learnt about Ximen more. She should have acknowledged his situation, his fear of loving someone.
Slowly she put the picture back to where it had been and returned to the bed trying hard to capture the moment they had shared earlier. How his kisses had been so tender and yet so fierce as if he had been hunger of her and his touch! Oh, his touch could have woken the sensation within her!
A smile replaced her tears and before she finally was able to close her eyes she made her own promise. She promised that starting tomorrow everything would be different. She would see him from different view, not only from her side.