| Fan Fiction |
by Hainexazien
Title: 3/5
The title sounds pretty and it would have caught my attention. But, it doesn’t match your story at all. I was wondering, did you mean to put your title as Mistaken Fate? I might be wrong but I kind of have the feeling that you mixed up faith and fate.
Poster/Background: 4.5/10
You have a poster, that’s great. And it showed the main characters so it’s a plus. However, it didn’t attract my attention. Everyone’s expressions were blank. If I looked at the poster alone to see if the story will be a sad or a happy or a cute one, I wouldn’t know. You should have used different pictures. Also, your poster practically blended right into the background. It wasn’t very good to the eyes.
Forewords: 6/10
About the forewords, it sounded more like a summary than anything else. You gave good information but you already gave out all the main parts of the story. Later in the story, I wouldn’t be surprised when So Eun’s mother marries her off to Joon. The forewords is to set the mood, don’t give away too much of your plot or else the entire story will be boring to read because the readers already know what’s coming up.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot was interesting. I just wish you took your time to build the scenes up instead of rushing it. But, if you did write with detail and explaination the plot would have been a lot better because I wouldn’t be distracted with so many questions in my head.
Creativity/Originality: 6/10
The mother has brain tumor out of no where. So Eun meets a guy who tries to take her away from her boyfriend. She has a sister who tries to sabotage her happiness for her mothers. That’s all been done before. But I do give you points for letting Joon succeed in taking So Eun’s hand in marriage. I also give you points for letting them be in America, an entirely different setting.
Flow: 3/10
Your fanfic was the choppiest fanfic I’ve ever read. You didn’t show that there was a scene change and I had to constantly read it over and over to make sure there was. There was a point that you started it out with the pronoun he and I wasn’t even sure if you were talking in Joon’s point of view or Kim Bum’s. You sped up in many important parts that I hoped to read more of. Such as Joon and So eun’s relationship progress after his proposal. And I was looking forward to her mother’s words to her before she died.. There’s nothing wrong with long fanfics so please don’t try to avoid them. Joon seemed to want So Eun a lot and he didn’t seem to care about her loving Kim Bum before but all of a sudden he cares. There was no transition to that outcome. Hye sun’s death came out of no where and it was a surprise to me (not a good one) because you had no hints that she was that mortified in losing Hyun Joong.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
You had grammar mistakes, vocabulary problems and spelling errors all over your story. These are just a few errors from your first chapter.
Some of your sentences were very awkward and run-ons.
She was almost late for class and was rushing to class, hoping that she would make it in time.
She was rushing to class because she was almost late. She was hoping she will make it on time.
You are missing pronouns in a lot of your sentences. And it made it very difficult for me to edit.
It was her first day at the Fine Arts Academy, and had slept in.
She had slept in even though it was her first day at Fine Arts Academy.
Please choose ONE tense and use it. It’s very hard for the reader to read through the sentences without reading it twice to understand its meaning.
So Eun, confused, and not understanding what he was saying, decided to ignore him.
So Eun who was confused and did not understand what he was saying decided to ignore him.
Please try to stop being repetitive.
So Eun said annoyed, it was the second time someone had asked her this question, and she would have to answer it for the second time.
So Eun said annoyed. She heard this question and answered it for the second time.
You often use the wrong vocabulary for what you’re trying to say.
So Eun and Kim Bum’s room were on either side of the room, So Eun on the right, and Kim Bum on the left, each with two steps leading into the room
So Eun and Kim Bum’s room were on the sides of the apartment. So Eun’s room was on the right and Kim Bum’s on the left. Each room had steps leading into it.
Characterisation: 3/10
You could have introduced the characters a lot better than usual. I don’t know much about Kim Bum’s feelings except for what you said about him being hurt and suspicious. I am confused about So Eun’s feelings because you kept mixing it up because the scenes pass by so quickly. I don’t know what’s going on in her head. Joon’s character is confusing too, at first he is a sweet boy. Then all of a sudden he becomes the creepy stalker controlling man and then he flashes back and forth. You could have used more of your story to focus on their feelings instead of what’s happening in the story.
Writing Style: 4/10
Sorry, but your writing style does not impress me. Your dialogue was all over the place. And then the scene switch was not mentioned. Paragraphs are supposed to be about one main thing. But sometimes I found more than one thing there and I was confused about how the two ideas fit together. Try to isolate the dialogue by itself; it’d make it better on the eyes.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I was too confused to enjoy the story itself. I was too distracted by all of your grammar mistakes as well. Hopefully next time you’ll reread your writing before you post it up..
Bonus: 4/5
These are points for giving writing a try and having a good plot.
Total: 47.5/100
I hope you don’t take my words too harshly. Instead of seeing this review as a disappointment, hopefully you will see it as a guide. I hope to see you use some of the advice I gave to make your writing better. Don’t give up. Keep trying :].
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Hmm, Worst than I expected.. but i'll use it as a guide in the future. =] I understand Mistaken Happiness is alot better than this sequel Should I make sequels in the future? Probably not... XD Haha.. But this review helped me alot =]