| Fan Fiction |
by Love_Joongie
Appearance/Poster/Background: 13/15
I really, really liked the poster. The color schemes and pictures all fit together, but I liked the way the designer designed it =) However, I docked two marks because the poster seemed a bit crowded with all the text on it.
Forewords: 3/5
Overall, your forewords were complete. However, you lost two marks because of disorganization. You have two author notes within your forewords. Why not just put them in one place so that the entire thing is more organized? Also, the dangerous thing with having a 'date ended' is that you never remember to actually fill it in when you finish the story.
Plot: 11/15
This plot is extremely common- girl meets boy, sorry, she has cancer, gotta go- there's nothing original about it, and there was barely a twist. I do, however, like the way you ended it. I shall explain more in the originality section.
Flow: 3.5/6
Meeting and marrying in four chapters isn't something I'd take marks off of, but I have a thing against trying to make the story go too fast. It's perfectly fine that you want to make this a short story and therefore shorten the time that takes up the fic, but doing so in a broken manner does not cut it. There were simply too many phrases or places that go something along the lines of "A few months passed."
It's fine that you want the storyline to progress, but do so in a smooth manner so that the reader is absorbed in the story instead of saying, "Oh. It's been three months since such and such happened."
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
Let me just start by saying that I am very, very meticulous in this section. I grade extremely tough, and please do understand I have grammar/spelling OCD.
These are all random examples taken from your fic. They are things that either completely took my attention off the story and/or occur repeatedly within your story.
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F o r w a r d s
Firstly, forward means to go forth. You're trying to say 'forewords', where it means words before, or a prologue.
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“My diary, so no looking,” she said, trying to have an angry face on.
In this sense, 'to have' is the wrong phrase/clause to use. 'To have on' sounds like you're talking about putting clothes on. Trying to have an angry face on doesn't make sense.
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A few months passed. The two were just like glue.
Okay, I get your analogy here, but it's awkward. Glue holds things together, sure, but comparing them to glue? It might work for some extreme comedy story, but for yours, it just doesn't click.
There are also some other awkward moments in your story, so be mindful of those.
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JaeJoong carried Yumi bridal when he realized how she was a little weak to walk up the stairs.
'Carried Yumi bridal when' doesn't make sense. You're trying to say that he carried her bridal style- don't be lazy in typing it out...it destroys the story this way if you shorten things like that. Also, 'how she was a little weak to walk up the stairs' is weird. If you added a 'too' after the little, that would make better since, but here, it doesn't- just because she's a little weak, she can't walk up the stairs? That trips people over.
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babe
I have a major thing about repetition; it annoys me to no end. So every time Jaejoong speaks after he and Yumi got together, I have to skim his lines because there was always a repetition of 'babe', and I think that deducted your marks the most out of everything else. You don't want to have too much repetition in there unless it's intentional...so something like, "He never wanted to let go. Never."
That'd be fine, but when you use 'babe' over and over and over again, it just really sets the reader off.
You also lost marks in this section due to vocab. Expand it a bit more and make the story interesting ;)
Characterization: 6/10
Your characters pretty much remained the same throughout the story- I could imagine them, yes, but because of your flow, you never gave yourself the chance to develop them very much.
Orginality: 6/8
Most of your originality came from the ending. One thing I really liked about the story was the ending; how she died- it wasn't in a hospital room, and it didn't happen just like that. No, it happened slowly, and that gave the story a lot of feeling at that point. That, I thought, was very beautiful.
Your mark in this section was very much pulled down by your plot. =p That's all.
Writing style: 4/6
Everyone has a different writing style, and it's just developing. It's detailed, but work on cutting out the unnecessary things out instead. That would help a lot =)
Description : 7/10
You have them...the details, I mean. That's great, really, but sometimes, it's a little too much, and you overemphasize somethings, such as the love Jaejoong has for Yumi by continuously repeating 'babe'. Also, pay attention to these details:
“Instead of 2, go to 10. These lockers are like stupid and most students have to skip 4-6 numbers in their combination.”
He leaned against the huge tree and placed JiJae in between his legs.
2 and 10 have a difference of 8, not 4-6. So be careful about that. And where did JiJae come from?
Overall enjoyment: 6.5/10
I really liked the ending.
Overall score: 64/100
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I think it was fairly good! ^^v
I'm glad to have a tough reviewer =) Thank you again for reviewing my fanfic
Credit: 'Niii @smiles-lovel.co.nr