| Fan Fiction |
by MsTiPeX
“Hyung, you’re still at it aren’t you”
“Changmin, mind your own business”
“Things are not easy for any of us either. Between all of us and her there’s a lot you know. We all had been through life as well as death, the pain, sorrow, the loneliness of losing someone so important to us. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. We all do. Kangin hyung tried to help us out as well but you know the story”
“I know Changmin. You don’t have to remind me”
“Are you giving up?”
“Maybe” I said softly. Changmin just sighed. I can tell that he’s angry at me but he resort to not saying anything.
“I really have no say in anything regarding this. But hyung, make sure you don’t regret anything”
I can’t sleep that night what Changmin said kept on ringing in my ears ‘make sure you don’t regret anything’. I get up from my bed. I looked at Jaejoong hyung who is sleeping and left him a note that I’ll be back early in the morning.
I walked on an empty aisle. The hospital is empty at this time of the night. I open the door slowly to see her lying on her bed and sleeping silently. There’s a soft music I heard which cause me to look for it. It turns out to be her i-pod which is lying next to her pillow. The earphones seem to fell of her ears. I grab the ipod and put the earphone in my ears. I felt that my cheeks are wet. She’s listening to ‘After we kissed, goodbye’.
My heart hurts and I try to control my tears but it’s just flowing endlessly. I sat next to her looking down while listening to the song. It’s the song about her when I thought I lost her. I saw the bed moving. I look up to see her staring at me as she sits on her bed.
Her expression was cold. It’s as if she doesn’t want me there. But her eyes say otherwise. She looked at what I’m holding.
“Leave” she said softly but has the power to hurts me.
“Youngie ah” she just sits there looking out the window and avoiding me. “Youngie ah. I came to tell you something.”
She continues to ignore me.
“When I thought I lost you, I was mad. I was crazy. I was angry. I keep on asking why. Why do you have to leave me? Why do I have to lose you? Why wasn’t I’m there to protect you? Why did I break all the promises I made to you? Why why why and it continues.”
“I don’t know what to do. There never comes a day I forget about you. Thank god most of the time I was in Japan. But that doesn’t help either. When you left the letter, there’s a tinge of hope that you’re still alive. I know I’m crazy, I even wish you to be a ghost or any kind of spirit and ask you to stay next to me. Youngie ah, I’m not myself without you. My life just empty. All the songs I’ve written are about you. I missed you so much”
“I sort of knew that you won’t leave me. I somehow felt your presence in this earth of ours. The happiness that I felt the moment I knew that you’re alive, is indescribable. But why? Why Youngie ah? Why are you avoiding us? Why are you avoiding me?”
“Youngie ah, say something”
“Leave” she said again without looking at me.
“Do you really mean that? Do you really want me to leave?” I don’t know why I was screaming but she looks at me with hatred in her eyes. “Do you hate me that much?”
“Yes” she said. I glared at her.
“So this is what my love worth to you. You really want me to leave you. Is that what you want?”
“neh!! Neh!!! NEH!!! (yes)” she shouted at me.
I stood up facing her. “Will you be fine without me?” I asked her slowly.
“………..”
“Because I won’t be fine without you” I said to her slowly. “Tell me what I can do so I can stay by your side. Please don’t push me away. I love you too much to let you go. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me what to do” I don’t know how im already down to my knee. It seems like in my life for her there’s no such thing as a man’s pride.
“Oppa” I heard softly. “Im sorry” I looked at her shocked. Sorry? What does that mean? Sorry for what? Is she leaving me?
“I’m sorry oppa. I don’t know what else to do” I stand up slowly. It might sound exaggerating but it seems like the room is ice cold waiting for all the ice to be broken. My life seems broken that one second. Neither one of us say something.
She’s crying I know although she didn’t show it with her cold expression. I know her heart is crying. “Youngie ah, look at me” she turned her head slowly. I started to sing my heart out.
I’m an idiot
Your unforgettable love,
The final tears
are ripping away at my whole heart
Its ripping away,
(I’m Sorry) I’m so sorry
I thoughtlessly walk
wherever my heart takes me
It seems I am looking for
those that look similar to you
I’m still standing at the same place
It almost seems like you just tapped my sagging shoulders
and hid from my sight
Why are you not there? can I not see you?
Are my eyes looking too far?
I trusted that I could love again
Still you stay, branded in my heart unmoving.
What do I do?
It can’t not be you.
I am so miserable
that I realized this now
The pictures
make it look like I am still your love
The heat of your body and your face
I can still feel it
deep inside my heart
Still I have romantic in my heart
I want to go back.
So many days I had
everything of you.
But why is it (baby why)
that now (tell me why)
that I can’t find you?
I’m so frightened that
in the places where our memories are deeply embedded
That I may (I know) see you there with the perfect man.
I trusted that I would meet a love like you again
The pain of you branded in my heart is death
What do i do?
It can’t not be you
I am so miserable
that I realized this now
The pictures
make it look like I am still your love
The heat of your body and your face
I can still feel it
deep inside my heart
Still I have romantic in my heart
I want to go back.
I guess I’m exhausted.
Left alone I wander,
looking for the love left in the empty space where you were.
I’m begging you to look at me.
Look at the one so similar to you
This ordeal is too much for me
It so much worse than simply waiting
I became so similar to you that I copied even your habits
There is more of you inside me than myself
I wanna be, wanna be your man
Let’s go back to the way things were
I want be reborn as a man that loves you
I won’t hurt you ever again
Can I go? I wanna be, (I won’t let you),
Be your man
It can’t not be you
I am so miserable
that I realized this now.
The pictures
make it look like I am still your love.
The heat of your body and your face
I can still feel it
deep inside my heart.
Still I have romantic in my heart
I want to go back.
It can’t not be you
I am so miserable
that I realized this now.
(Your unforgettable love,
The final tears
are ripping away at my chest
leaving only scars that will never heal
leaving me as my miserable self
I’m so distressed, what do I do?)
The heat of your body and your face
I can still feel it
deep inside my heart.
Still I have romantic in my heart
I want to go back.
What do I do now?
Shinee – I can’t not be with you (Romantic)
credits to: moogledesu.wordpress.
“Youngie ah, I will still have you in my heart no matter what” I turned around. “I guess I will leave for now”
Still there’s silence as I close the door behind me. Youngie ah~please, call my name, please. Every step I made seem heavy as I exited the hospital. I was at the entrance looking up at the sky, feeling the morning breeze. I found a bench at the side on the entrance. I sat there silently trying to calm the trembling heart I’m having.
“oppa” I heard a soft voice. I try to look at that person but there’s a plant blocking my view.
Youngie’s POV
=====+++++=====
He closes the door behind. I don’t know how long I’ve been staring at the door. His scent still stays in the room. Every second the scent dissipating, It makes my heart longing for him. Every words he said, just makes my heart beats fast. I didn’t say anything because I don’t think I deserve his love at all. What am I to do, I love him too much.
I get off my bed and look around the aisle. I search everywhere. I’ve been in the room for almost a month, I think I got lost in the hospital. My heart beats faster thinking I will lose him forever. Oppa!!! I’m sorry!!! Oppa!!! Sorry for asking you to please.
As soon as came out of the main entrance, it was empty. No one is there. “oppa”
“OPPA, where are you? Please don’t leave me!!! I’m sorry. I’m the bad one.” I’m down to my knees. “Otokhae (what am I to do)?”
I heard a sound and I looked down on the floor to see someone’s snicker. I looked up but somehow I can’t see who the person is because of the light from the entrance blinding me. Suddenly the person kneeled down in front of me and hugged me.
“I’m not going far away from you unless you tell me to do so” I pushed him. He looked at me shocked. I stand up abruptly. I turned around to go back to the hospital.
“is it worth it to lie to yourself? Your own feeling?” he asked me more like shouting at me.
“im not worthy” I said softly.
“What?”
I turned and shouted at him. “I’m not worthy. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve all this”
“who are you to decide” he said flatly.
“Huh?”
“Who are you to decide that for me?” he shouted. “Do you want me to open this body and show you my heart to tell how much you worth all the love in this world!!!”
“…………..”
“I only wish to at least have just a piece of your heart. Is it that hard? I thought we love each other. I never thought I’m too good for you. we are meant for each other. I don’t care how you look like or you’re sick or you’re crazy, because I’ve already fallen in love with you”
“but i..”
“Just tell me one thing, do you love me? For all this time
im with you, do you really love me? Or did I just waste my time and have a one-sided love?”
“…………………” I love you too oppa. But it seems like that words stuck in my throat. I don’t know how long I stare at the ground but I heard he said ‘now I know’. Youngie ah what the heck are you doing. I looked up to find him walking down the stairs.
I ran to him. I wasn’t looking where I was going that I missed one of the steps and end up falling down. I think I sprained my ankle. It hurts that I cried. I’m not sure im crying because of my ankle or because of my heart.
“Youngie ah, you’re okay” he holds my ankle. I pushed his hand away.
“Don’t” I cried. But he still holds it. “Don’t. Just leave. You want to leave right? Then go and leave. I know you’re here because you pity me!!!” I shouted at him.
He stared at me sadly. “Is that’s what it is all about? You think im that kind of person” I just continue to cry. “You really don’t trust me, is that it? I cant believe this”
He stood up. “How can you not trust me?” he turned.
I don’t know how but I manage to grab his pant to stop him from walking further. He kneeled down next to me, and holds my ankle again. “It’s not broken or sprained. You just have a deep cut; we should go inside and wrap it up.”
I try to stand up slowly but I felt I was suddenly lifted up to his shoulder. Am I going to be able to move on my life without him? He’s just there with me in silence, bringing me to the nurse room to get my scratches fixed and carry me back to my room. he tucked me in the bed and made his way to the exit.
“Oppa” he stopped.
“Is there any way that we can turn back time? Will there be any chance for us? will there be a chance for me? It’s not like I don’t trust you, oppa. I just don’t trust myself. ” I looked down to my nails. “what if I hurt you? what if I make you cry? What if I’m not giving enough for you? what if…”
I was so shocked that he embraced me right then. He look straight into my eyes. “I’m more hurt without you. With you there will only be happy tears. I don’t care if you don’t give enough, because im not counting. For me your love is enough to fill in all the gaps in my life”
I felt his soft lips into mine. He whispered the word love in my ears. “Oppa, im sorry”
“Don’t be” he smiled.
“I love you too much that I don’t know what to do” I babbled.
He laughed. I looked at him confused. “What? Why are you laughing?”
“That’s all I need to know”
“What do you need to know?”
“That you love me” he said smiling. I felt my cheeks are flushed.
“You know I do” I turned around embarrassed.
He touched my chin and turned my head to face him. “I will always love you”
“I love you too oppa”
He smiled and pulled me into hug. “Don’t you think we have a dramatic life?” he laughed. He touch my face “Don’t worry about your scar, it’s you that im falling for”
“Corny much” I laughed and push him. “Is that a song that you wrote?”
“Nope. Hehehehehe it’s Shinee’s song and I love the meaning of it” he smiled.
=====+++++=====
“Oppa, I’m hungry” I whined and I feel my stomach growling. “There’s some food on that table”
He went there and grabs some finger food. “Is this enough? I can go out and buy something you like”
“BABY AH!! Oppa’s here” YoWo oppa burst inside the room. “YAH YOU.. and YOU!!!”
“Keep it down YoWo you’re going to wake your sister up” Umma slapped his arm.
“she’s awake” oppa said shortly. Umma turned to look at me and then look at Yoochun oppa.
“Good Morning Omoni (someone’s mom)” he bowed.
“You came early. What’s going on here? Baby ah, are you okay?” Yowo oppa ran to my side and check my condition.
“I’m fine oppa” I said smiling. “oppa, did you bring any food? I’m hungry”
“Yea hyung, her stomach can’t stop grumbling for the past ten minutes”
“YAH!!!”
“What YAHH?? I’m older” Yoochun flicked my head.
“YoWo oppa, Yoochun oppa just flicked me” I whined.
“Damn you kids!!! Didn’t you se im still lost. What’s going on here? Why is Yoochun here? You’re talking to him now? Are you guys okay?”
Both of us nodded. Umma ran to me and hugged me. YoWo oppa just amazed that he can’t stop slapping yoochun’s back.
"Yaaah!!!! We need to PARTYYYYY tonight to celebrate this. i will call the others... YEY!!!!! BABY IS BACK!!!!" Oppa shouted.
Yoochun oppa jumped with him in joy... Crazy people.
This will be the beginning of the next chapter of my life.
=====+++++=====
I’ve learned something in this life. There are no such things as true happiness. Regardless, finding them is the hardest. Why? Because we always blinded by our own emotion, our own selfishness. Sacrifice, loyalty and regrets, all in one, causes confusions in my life. Just when I thought I can make people around me happy, I did exactly the opposite. They are the one that makes me realize how important my presence in their life. Thinking that by avoiding will solve everything, it only causes heartache.
To those who love me, words can easily be said but to express them more in making the point is hard. The heart that I once protect so carefully, melt by the love he’s giving me.
YoWo oppa… the great protector of my life.
Umma, appa… who am I without you.
Changminnie… a friend I won’t forget
Ryeo n Sunny… I wish you both happiness and may we be best friends forever
DBSK oppa-dul… to you guys I’m the first… to me I want to be infinity… Let’s stay forever… You guys give me strength.
Suju oppas… Creating great memories with you guys is the best thing in my life. You think I have an impact in your life. For me, oppas makes me see the world in a different way, in the most beautiful way.
.
.
.
.
Yoochun… you are the other half that im missing from the beginning. I’m glad we met each other. I’m glad you’re there for me. I glad we’ve been through the hardship and for staying there for me, Waiting and waiting. I wish I can give more to you. I realized that pushing you away makes my heart closer to you. I didn’t get the chance to say this a lot but i….
Love you and Thank You for loving me…
=====+++++=====
A/N: Finally it's the end of this story. i hope i end it well. i dont want it to be overly dramatic. i have enough dramas in my life already... LOL...
Thank you all for reading!!!! You know i love you guys *hugs*