| Fan Fiction |
by MIzconfuz3d
Poise: Rise of Vengeance by MIzconfuz3d
http://winglin.net/fanfic/poise1
Reviewed by m_girl07 @ Shards of Memories
Title: 5/5
-Your title really is something original and different! It has a nice ring to it and ‘Rise of Vengeance’ is the perfect subtitle for it because of what happens in the end.
Forewords: 9/10
-People put different things on their forewords; like a summary, character description or prologue. You put a bit of different things. You pointed out who the main characters were and gave readers a small summary to let them know what’s to come. And do I see some self-advertising?=D
Plot: 14/15
-Your plot had everything a solid story should have; introductions, a little bit of background information, and climax. I think you should’ve described things a little more though because at times, I thought things were a little sudden. I’ll explain more in the other sections.=)
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
-Like you said, your story is a little like your typical vampire story but I think nowadays, it’s hard to make a vampire story original because other than romance and bloodshed, what more is there to write about? I love vampire storylines and I’ve read a lot but I still enjoy them all^^! That said, you were still able to create little twists in your story and keep interesting and fresh=p!
Flow (speed): 12/15
-Your story has a nice flow to it and, for the most part, was pretty steady but there were moments that were sudden and unexpected; for example, when Jessica said that her parents love Yoona more. I think you should’ve had her make a face or react a certain way and then explain why later on. Also, I know you mentioned it was Jessica’s birthday but it was kind of random that her birthday party just happened. It’s like everyone just decided it would happen=p.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: 11/15
-I didn’t see too many spelling mistakes. The only ones I saw seemed to be typos that your computer might have done when you were typing. You did have a few grammar mistakes though and I’ll point them out to you but don’t worry, it’s nothing too big and if you read the chapters over before you post, you’ll be fine^^.
“Run!” they all cried out. The group of teenagers scatters away from what looks like a small meteor that cratered the grassy area of the schoolyard into a rocky surface.” (Chapter 1)
-‘Scatters’ and ‘looks’ should be ‘scattered’ and ‘looked’ because you made it clear by using ‘cried’ that it was past tense so you should continue to do that for the rest of that sentence.
“The gray and somber rock lid up, giving off a shiny reflection.” (Chapter 1)
-‘Lid’ should be ‘lit’ because lid is the top of a container XD.
“As she got to Yoona’s Room, with a knock she let herself in.” (Chapter 3)
-The ‘r’ in ‘room’ doesn’t have to be capitalized because it’s not an official place. Only names and public places need to be capitalized.
“Memorize and be able to use them, then you can past. Now Good Night.” (Chapter 5)
-When you talk about an exam, always use ‘pass’ and ‘fail’. ‘Past’ refers to time. And good night doesn’t have to be capitalized like the last one.=)
“I was hurt me when you rejected me, but there are even more pain when you pushed me to someone else.” (Chapter 11)
-This sentence has to be reworded because there are extra words but other than that, I loved this sentence^^!. It should be “I was hurt when you rejected me but there was even more pain when you pushed me to someone else.”
Writing Style: 8/10
-I’m not one to criticize others writing styles because everyone’s is different. Yours is straight to the point and some people like that while others might not. Personally, I like a bit more detail and description but I’m glad you didn’t drag things out too long like some other fanfics that I’ve read=p.
Characterization: 8/10
-I have to tell you that I really, really, REALLY hated this Jessica, she was so rude and only thought about herself! But I think you developed Jessica and Yoona really well. You could tell who was the main character and who wasn’t. I just think Donghae was a bit rushed and felt like the only reason he was in the story was to create a love triangle between them (which wasn’t a bad move;) but you might want to develop him more next time, his personality, etc).
Setting/Details: 6/10
-Although I knew where they were and you described a little bit of their surroundings, I don’t think you did enough of it. A lot of parts didn’t have any description at all=s. For example, if something bad was going to happen, you can always describe the weather or even the expressions on people’s faces. Sometimes, a little goes a long way=D.
Subtotal: 81/100
Bonus: 5/5
-I really enjoyed your story because like I said, I love vampire stories^-^! And the timing is perfect because SNSD’s 2nd mini-album just came out, haha.
Total: 86/100
-Hopefully I wasn’t too harsh but I really did enjoy your story! And the ending was so unexpected, I was shocked! I hope Yoona is able to find someone else=(. Keep at it and keep writing because you’ve got something going on!=D
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Thank you for the review :)