| Fan Fiction |
by SeventhStar
Title: 5/5
The title fits the story very nicely and it attracts readers too. Very good idea for a title.
Poster/background: -/10
I can't really give you a score here because you didn't have a poster or a background.
Forewords: 10/10
I liked the forewords. It draws the readers in and makes them want to read about this fairytale that you make sound so suspenseful.
Plot: 7/15
The plot was ok, a little boring for me personally. Although the forewords was pretty drawing, how the plot was laid out wasn't all that exciting. I like the whole idea of a fairytale in Rome and Singapore, though. I just thought the scenes were a little too common. Also, I thought the whole thing with her staying in his hotel room was a little rushed for her to agree so quickly. But I liked the fresh start with the fairytale in Singapore. But I didn't like how you kept starting a new scene with 'A beautiful Chinese woman was walking attractively', 'A very handsome man was sitting beside a 50 year old woman.' Yes, I know, these weren't your exact words. They're just examples. My point is, we all know who the girl is, who the guys is, so you don't need to start with that..
Creative/Originality: 7/15
Not very creative. The only original part is actually the fairytale idea that you had for this story. The rest could be found in movies, other stories, etc.
Writing style: 4/10
Your writing style is kind of boring. You don't use very many juicy and descriptive words. For example, when Chun was running to Ella, you kept saying he was running to her place. I mean, even just the slightest change of words like, 'He had to reach her seats. No one could stop him.' would have made that part a tiny bit more exciting. Believe it or not, the overuse of words can make the story sound a little draggy and boring. You didn't need to write twice about how Ella called Chun 'Rome' either.
Flow: 9/10
The flow was actually pretty ok. Most of the time it didn't seem that rushed and everything fit together..
Grammar/spelling/vocab: 5/10
I noticed this a lot in your writing of this story.
Example:
She indeed in panic mode.
Correction:
She was indeed in a panic mode.
Example:
Thanks God that they were in Rome, not in Singapore.
Correction: Thank God they were in Rome, not Singapore.
Sometimes you added words that weren't nessescarily needed there. Sometimes words were missing from your sentences, which made your paragraphs a little choppy and confusing. Also, sometimes you wrote 'she is' then you write 'she was.' Is is in present tense while was is in past tense. In your case, your tenses should stay the same. So just look your paragraphs and sentences over. I guarenteen you, almost everytime you reread and edit, you'll find a mistake. This goes for everyone, not just you.
Characterization: 4/10
Your descriptions of the characters were fair. But I didn't find their personalities and characteristics were that exciting or attractive. I was kind of annoyed by how many times you reminded your readers about Ella's innocence, her loud voice, stuff like that.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
To tell you the truth, I didn't enjoy reading this story much. It wasn't all bad. The storyline was very nice and creative. It's the story itself that I didn't enjoy much. Also, I think you used the word 'damn' too much. It kind of got annoying because sometimes the word just doesn't fit the sentence at all. Sorry.
Total: 53/100