| Fan Fiction |
by SleepiiDreamer
In front of Yoo Chun, I’ve pretended to be strong. I pretended that what happened had not altered anything. That was my way of supporting Yoo Chun. I could not allow him to think that it was his fault, even though he was doing it without my help.
I had truly meant what I had told Yoo Chun. I would never want him to take the blame on himself, and it was true that I wouldn’t have done it any other way, but at the same time…I cried. I cried because I knew I would never be the same. Yoo Chun, me, Jae Joong, Chang Min… we would never be the same. I could foresee it.
But then again, I really was being selfish. I remembered during the crash, I was asking for another chance—a chance to live. I’ve gotten my wish. It was just… it was different. But I was alive, right? I shouldn’t have wanted so many things at one time.
“Just know, I’ll always be here for you,” Yunho said as he put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently, trying his best to comfort me. We were in his office as we contemplated on what to do next. “No matter how hard it gets, Chang Min and I will be here.”
I gasped. “You can’t tell Chang Min. Yunho…you can’t.” I gripped his arm and turned around abruptly, surprising him. I could tell by the way his brown eyes stare at me in disbelief. “Chang Min can’t know about this.”
His mouth hung for a good second, but he soon recovered and tried to talk some sense into me. “Don’t you think… Don’t you think he deserves to know? Chang Min is your brother for God’s sake. If you’re going through this, he should at least know. He deserves that much.”
I shook my head. There were reasons why Chang Min couldn’t know.
I could imagine it. Chang Min…he has everything in front of him. His dream; his life. It was all just beginning for him. In a blink of an eye, he would lose all of that—and that was because of my selfishness.
If I want him to prosper; if I want him to achieve his dreams…I can’t tie him down with my burdens. I couldn’t be that selfish. I didn’t have it in me. I shook my head, pushing away those thoughts.
“You promise…that you’ll always be here for me, Yunho. If you want what’s best for me, please…don’t tell Chang Min. That’s my request. If you don’t follow it, I-I won’t go through treatment if you don’t promise me this!”
“This isn’t right.”
“Please. I beg of you.” I look up at him, my eyes glassy. I didn’t want this, but I knew that this would be the only thing I can do for Chang Min. I was old enough to make my own decisions; I was old enough to think by myself.
Yunho gave in with a sigh. “I…promise, I guess…” He pulled me in for a hug. “You…what am I going to do with you, Shim Chung? Sometimes, you’re just too stubborn for your own good. Maybe that stubbornness will do you some good.” He shook his head. “You have a long battle in front of you.”
It wasn’t just a long battle, Yunho. It would be a lifelong battle…this I know.
-----
With Chang Min gone, the house was lifeless. I couldn’t stand the silence. And without Chang Min’s stupid humor throughout the day, the days are longer and quieter. Also, in that vacant house, all I could think of is the future and how in such a short period of time, my future had turned bleak.
It’s funny how you have everything planned. Your future, your life…it was all in front of you. Everyone has an expectation of how their future would be. If you walk down this path, you would be a doctor. This other path, a lawyer. Another one—a journalist. You carve your own future; you decide on how it should be. You’re in control… right?
No. Not right. You only have the ability to change your life to a certain extent. Some things…you would never be able to change or you would never be able to escape.
Jae Joong and I had our future carved and maybe that was where the situation laid. We were too expectant; we thought it would be possible. Wasn’t it funny how one little thing could road block your future? One little thing and your expectation shatters in front of you?
With expectations—that means you would always have something to lose. Just like love…
Some nights, I cried. Other nights, my eyes had run dry. The rest, my heart aches. I knew…I knew this pain would be here to stay. I knew that this…this would last with me a lifetime. Somehow, I wasn’t scared of the disease itself. I was more afraid…of how it will affect the people around me.
It was probably me who had been selfish my whole life…maybe it was time for me to be selfless for once.
-----
|| Press Play - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM8HKIPccsg ||
“Babe…”
“Jae Joong.” I smiled when I saw his face appeared on the screen. He was still impeccable. It was as if whatever happens, he could not be tarnished. He would always be the Jae Joong I know and love. That would never change…
“Hey, Heroine, I missed you. I was just doing some photo editing and I saw that you’re on.”
“Yeah,” I said, looking down at my hands. “I…I actually have something to tell you. That’s why I’m on.”
“Yeah?” He asked with a tilt of his head. He pursed his lips cutely. “What is it Heroine?”
Watching him, I just couldn’t help but smile, yet bitterness filled my heart. The bitterness filled me to the brim, overflowing my lungs, making it hard to breathe. How could it end up like this? He was the most important person. He was the one that needed to be protected from me the most… That was why I had to do this.
“Um, well, you know how I was going to apply for that foreign exchange program to Seoul for a semester or two?”
“Yeah, what about it babe?”
Don’t do it. You still have a chance to stop yourself. This…this might be the end of you and him if you do so.
I’m doing it…because it’ll save him from me.
What if this thing blows over? Do you think he’ll thank you for keeping this from him? If he finds out, he’s going to be overwhelmed with guilt!
I’ll…I’ll have to hide it from him as long as possible. Eventually he’ll have to know…but it can’t be now. Not…not when it’s so complicated like this.
Don’t do this…you’ll regret it.
But I had to.
I took a deep breath and exhaled and I could see Jae Joong raising an eyebrow, apprehensive about what news he was going to receive. “Jae Joong. I’m so sorry.” I said, “I can’t go to Seoul for the semester. I don’t know…someone from the school called last night. My application for foreign exchange student got rejected.”
“What?!” He cried, “How’s that possible, Heroine?” Jae Joong looked crushed. His brows furrowed in confusion. “I thought you were a shoo-in for sure! Wh-what the hell. That’s impossible! But…that program isn’t that hard to get into!”
I shrugged. “Maybe…it those D’s I had last year that was pulling me down.” I lied. “Jae Joong, I’m so sorry. I…I so want to be there too, but… What do I do now?”
Jae Joong sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it, trying to think of something rational to say. He looked at me, his brown eyes murky from his a mixture of emotions rushing through him at the same time. “Heroine, we could still work this out. I mean, it’s not impossible this way. There has to be another way…”
“Jae Joong, I really want to be with you…” But I can’t…not anymore…Not after this. Jae Joong, you will eventually learn that this was for your sake. I love you…more than you can ever imagine. “But…that was our only—what elfse could we do? We’re halfway around the world! I still have a year to finish and you have your internship.”
“But…you can transfer? Can you?”
“It’ll be pointless for me to transfer. It’ll be my last year. If I transfer now, I’ll have to attend an international university in Seoul, and if I come back to the States to find a job, it’ll be harder with a diploma from there than from NYU. NYU is an amazing school. I-I can’t leave.”
“So maybe I can—”
“Don’t Jae.” I interrupted him before he could even finish that sentence. I knew it before he said it, because I knew him. I understood him. I knew what he would say and I wouldn’t allow that. “Don’t even think about it. SME…it’s your dream. I just can’t see you giving that up for me. No—I refuse for that to happen.”
As I spoke, my vision of Jae Joong started to get blurred. Was it more tears? How was it possible that my body could still produce tears after all those gallons I’ve cried in the past week? “You…cannot put me in front of your dream, okay?” I said, my voice cracking. I hope he didn’t notice that or my tears.
“How…how can you say that Heroine? You’re most important to me!” Jae Joong cried.
“I’ll…I’ll always be here. But…SME will move on. Pursue and chase your dream. Please, have trust in me. You’ve already have me. I love you… I love you Kim Jae Joong. Please, know that.”
“Words…words won’t be able to express how much I love you. I wish you were here. I wish all of this could change.”
Oh, how I wish that too, Jae Joong... You have no idea.
“But… some things, no matter how much you wish, could not be changed. Sorry. I’m really sorry. I wish it could be different.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I have no courage to tell him the truth. I wish that when I open my eyes, it would be like before. Had I lost who I was already?
Tell me…what should I do? Please…give my lonely heart courage. Tell me… What would be the right way out? How do I escape from this with the least damage inflicted on any of us? When will this all end?
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know the answer. I didn’t know how it will be like tomorrow, or the next week, or the next month. No one knows. But I did know one thing.
No matter what…Kim Jae Joong would always be my Hero…
Even…
Even if I wouldn’t be able to be his Heroine.
____________________________________________________________
wow, im surprised i still have readers~
haha and you guys all commented like, right next to each other, around the same time. keke
are you sure you're not all one person? ;D
i'm glad i'm back. but i want dbsk to be back with me.
ugh, im so upset. i was going to buy the miroticon shirt when YesAsia rejected my debit card. WTH? they said they take only credit~ so i made a paypal account. AND THEN SOMEONE BOUGHT MY SHIRT. and now YA is out of stock. i can't find that shirt anywhere online. so upset.
does anyone know where i can get dbsk official goodies anymore? sm like, basically stopped promoting them & when it was so easy to get official products, its so hard now T_T
and does anyone know where i can get jae's Cheer You Up t-shirt from Giordano? my friend went to HK last week & came back with another shirt bc they don't sell those shirts in HK (well, in adult size anyways) anymore D:
thanks a lot in advanceeee.
lots of love,
SleepiiDreamer :D
p.s.
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T REPLY. I READ EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR COMMENTS. they are absolutely inspirational! thanks guys! ^_^
oh, and i left my email address on my replies. if anyone want to add me on msn, feel free to!
& also others:
Twitter - twitter.com/eeereenahhs
Tumblr - eeereenahhs.tumblr.com
oh, but pls, when you add me (on MSN), write a little note saying, "Reader of SMH" or something. your name, etc. :D bc i've been getting weird friend requests that send me viruses/porn sites. T_T
AND SPEAKING OF PORN, CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY JAEJAE WAS ON ANAN MAGAZINE AND HE STAYED FULLY CLOTHED?! oh my fandom, the injustice of this world...