| Fan Fiction |
by SleepiiDreamer
Poster&Background: 9/10
I have no complaints about the background. The text matches perfectly with the background. As for the poster, it's okay, but not outstanding for me. Call me meticulous, but grey font in poster and white in text? Somehow that got to me. I like the blending of the blue and red in the poster. And the subtle yet clear image of a train station? And something like...I dunno, a watch? That was quite annoying since I thought it was a pin in Jae Joong's coat, but intrigues me all the same.
Foreword: 7/10
With the title, I expected more from the forewords. It was very poetic, but somehow because it was made to be too poetic, it almost lost its core. Personally, I always wanted a mixture of simple+complex explanations. Your forewords somehow did not blend in much of that. Sometimes the simplicity overrides the necessary eloquence, sometimes it was the other way around. Brief sentence are my personally favourites as they create a good impact, but I thought at one point you had too much. You gave away part of the plot, but not to the extent of what really happened, which if asked, intrigued me. I thought it could have been better. Somehow, there was something about the emotions which could have had more impact, I'm sorry I can't figure out what exactly it is I'm looking for. No characters mentioned? I guess it's not rocket science to guess who, but it would have help if you introduced them
Cast Used: 4/5
Are you kidding me? Of course it has got to be 5. I am not an avid BoA fan, but boy, Kim Jae Joong? Oohlala. Nah, just kidding. But over all, I like the cast. Not only the case, but also the characterisation. All too typical, all too realistic. Two bestfriends trudging on the boundary of friendship and love and only time could tell when one finally crosses the line. Of course I can't take off points for that, but I like how Bojoong (if that's what the pairing is called) is so entwined in the story. A point off for the fact that the personalities were not brought up. I mean, you lacked implying the personality of the two although their emotions were strong. It was easy to confuse one personality with another, but great great emotional relations.
Originality & Creativity: 11/15
Well, I can't say it's original. You probably would expect this. What is original nowadays? It's a really hard choice on what to write. Frankly, I have expected the ending. The moment I knew Jae was in Silver Dragons and needed to kill someone I knew BoA was going to die. Not that it was rocket science since you already said it was a tragedy and the forewords were a little too revealing. Yet, points for Jae himself ending her life. I did not expect that, and it fitted with BoA changing her image which was her downfall, pretty much.
Story&Plotting: 13/15
Great. Justified and well written. The plot is pretty much a tragedy alright, but one thing I liked was the fact that you focused a lot on their emotions. So I guess this fic is emotion-centric, which fits well with the plot, as it is our emotions that is all too strong when someone we know dies, or when we kill our bestfriend>.< No, it is not entirely typical for someone to kill their bestfriend in any circumstances, but the way you fitted the impossible to the real-life circumstances of poor Jae Joong, it ended up rather realistic. I've got a few problems with what Jae did: It's murder for God's sake. And since he fired into the crowd and everyone saw them presumably given that he was exposed (according to BoA), shouldn't he at least have been...say, caught? I'm really a law person, so forgive me if I come across as overreacting.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
The first thing I've noticed is your common use of shortcuts, eg: 'wasn't, didn't' in descriptive parts. I don't know if you prefer informal writing, but it seemed to me that you are leaning to the more formal method (which is great, I like it that way). Given that, please use the whole two words. It is formally better, and sometimes when you describe emotion's using those shortcuts, the immediate effect drops a level. It's okay in conversational writing, but not for descriptives. I've also noticed that you tend to swivel in using commas and full stops. Sometimes I see: ' "Hi." Jae Joong said.' And sometimes it is : ' "Hi," Jae Joong said.' You could be more consistent, and I think it might only be typo, but it is worrying when you do: ' "Hi," Then she turned around.' Shouldn't it be a full stop instead?
Pace Of Story: 7/10
Did it happen in a span of, say one week? That was the impression it gave me. Personally, I don't think every single thing that happened to Boojoong could happen to anyone, at least, statistically. But even so I could understand why you made it as is. And, things like murder as initiation rites need rigorous planning, especially if Silver Dragon is a known triad. I expected a longer timeline. Such an important part of the story and arguably the turning point of the whole thing and I felt it wasn't given enough attention. Other than that, I also wished there was more insight to the past of BoA and Jae Joong. I know you dwelt more on their emotions, but it would have been better if this was backed-up with experiences. Another problem I encountered was you never focused on Jae's emotions when it is most needed! I wanted to wring your thoughts when you just cut it off when BoA died! I wanted to know so much more than Jae's present. I wanted to know how he cried, how he yelled, how he held her...so, I thought you paced it wrongly in that part. So crucial! Overall, I would have wanted it to be slightly longer. I guess this is the problem of one shots, it's sometimes too short, despite everything.
Writing Style: 4/5
Writing style? Nope no problems with these. Sometimes I dislike the incessant questions you put. A little is nice, but you overdo it at some parts. Just that, and a little re-paragraphing would dramatically increase the impact. Instead of continuous sentences in a paragraph, why not break it down into a one-sentence separate paragraph? With all the emotions and short, catchy sentences you have, it would deliver a greater impact if
you do so, which the story really deserves.
Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
Of course I did. It was a very romantic ride, but all the while, the kind of sad ending hovering in every chapter.
Sub- Total: /100
83/100
Bonus marks: 5/5
If I could give you 10 marks, I would.
Total mark: 88/100
Reviewer's Remarks: I actually raised the bar of my reviewing standards for this one, because I thought you'd like it better. Also, I like it better Sorry if I sounded rude at any point, you can e-mail me for your reactions and general rantings
reviewer: Miss Sinister @ blackndwhite.co.nr
URL : www.winglin.net/fanfic/twm