| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
i'm in a rush lol
Chapter 11
Mariam
“Glory is like a circle in the water, which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, till by broad spreading it disperses to naught. You remember that Mimi?” Jaejoong’s voice was coarse, leaving me wondering if his stupidity had garnered him a cold. But his words momentarily overrode my mounting worry for his health.
My eyes fluttered shut as I remembered tearfully scribbling it on a small piece of paper with all my bags packed. He’d asked me to wait for him to come back. I had already sworn that my waiting days were over and went back to face the problems awaiting me in America.
“At first I didn’t really know what it meant. Gradually over the years it kind of made sense when the shows got too much. Or the fans got a bit too much. When the demands became unbearable. But last night, it all hit me at once. And I find it so ironic how you knew to tell me this.”
I now joined Jaejoong on his foolish spree by standing out in winter adorned in nothing but a sweater, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
“It makes sense to me now. Fame is great when it starts but the more it grows, the more prone it is to destruction…”
That voice! How many sleepless nights had I endured wishing to hear him again?
“What happened to you?” I forced nonchalance into my tone even though every beat of my heart ached at the emptiness of his voice. He never sounded that way about his profession. Never.
“Let’s just say my reality check finally came and as I when I touched it the papercut was deep. Real deep.”
Clutching my eyes tightly shut I cursed myself for what I was about to do. Steeling my emotions, I turned around and rigidly walked up to the edge of the porch. Grudgingly, I sat down at the other end of the top staircase, keeping my eyes on the sapphire filled sky. It was one of those rare wintry days when the skies cleared and the sun uselessly shone while arctic winds blew. Knitting my hands together, I focused on them, feeling Jaejoong’s gaze on me.
“Jaejoong I’m not good at metaphors. Be straight with me.” I said without looking at him and heard an acidic scoff before the sound of him sipping. I could imagine the attractive shifting of his neck and had to keep myself from looking
“Do you even really care?” the catch of attitude in his voice nearly made me clout him but I kept myself intact. I think what really bothered me was his question alone, not the way that it was asked.
My heart wanted to trick me by screaming yes but my mind dared me to ruin my life by telling him that I cared.
“Don’t answer a question with a question.” I said tritely.
Jaejoong let out a crisp sigh, and I could imagine him doing it with a sad smile. Back in the day I’d hug him, smack a big placating kiss on his cheeks and tell him not to sweat whatever was bothering him.
I’d tell him that everything would be okay.
“You know what it’s like to find out that things aren’t what they seem?”
This time I just had to look at him, ignoring how handsome he looked in the sunlight, “Jae, look at who you’re talking to. I have firsthand experience.” All thanks to you, I nearly added but refrained. There was no need to make him feel worse than he already did even though I was dying to. I was such a punk.
“Sorry.” Jaejoong murmured disconcertingly.
The discomfort that followed was disquieting, all of it my doing. Feeling a little bit bad, I sighed heavily and turned the other way as I spoke, “Really though, what’s gotten into you?”
I felt Jaejoong’s hesitation and sighed. Life will place you in situations you never thought you’d find yourself in. When Jaejoong and I were blissful in love I never thought we’d walk on these type of eggshells.
“I just found out something that kind of rocked me. I’m not too sure about the things I was once sure of.”
Silence befell us. I didn’t know what to say.
“Sorry,” he chuckled uneasily, “I know I don’t make sense. But I don’t really want to talk about it right now anyway. But hey, how are you?”
Typical Jaejoong. He never liked talking about himself without getting too embarrassed or too shy. I’d have been annoyed with his evasiveness but I knew where he was coming from.
“I’m fine.” I answered tersely.
“That’s good. Jin came up to see me.”
“So I heard. He’s on punishment by the way.”
“For what?”
“Coming outside when he knows I forbid him to do that. I also forbid him to talk to strangers too but does he listen?”
Jaejoong laughed, “Come on. Give the little man a break.”
“Oh, he’ll get it when he learns to listen.” But making him learn to listen would be a strenuous practice. He was just like Jaejoong. No matter how many times you told Jaejoong something, if he chose not to follow it, he wouldn’t. Like he used to do this thing where he’d carry his camera with him everywhere he went and snap pictures of people at odd angles. I’d tell him to stop, but my demands would fall on deaf ears. Jaejoong would just snap away.
When I realized that I was smiling to myself at the memory, I rounded up the emotional guards back.
“Why’d you come here? How’d you come anyway?” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
“Hmm, let’s see, what would be a good answer…” He thought outloud, his fingers on his chin in a thinking posture. I had to trap a smile that threatened my lips. Little perks like this that he did often made me feel warm and strange inside. I hated myself for it.
“How about something to do with the truth?” I found myself joining in on his impromptu script.
“Okay, the truth goes something like this. Are you ready?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I guess it’s because I’m an idiotic coward. I couldn’t face my boys. And I couldn’t face my parents.”
“But you, for some reason, thought that you could face me.”
“I didn’t really think anything. I just came.” He said sincerely and I looked at him to find him looking sightlessly ahead. His mien was pragmatic, like he was just telling me things as they were. That’s something I’d always both admired and detested about Jaejoong.
“You know what Jaejoong? You may be an idiotic coward, but you’re an honest one. I think that’s the most honest thing someone has told me in a long while.”
We shared a laugh that started out slightly comfortable but ended up terribly uneasy. It got quiet. Real quiet. So deafeningly quiet that I thought I would die. This is really what we’d amounted to? We were like strangers for christ’s sake. I wanted to say something, but all I’d do was blame him for the past. I could tell that he wanted to say something, but he probably knew I’d bite his head off for merely saying hello—which is exactly what I did.
“How are you?”
“I already told you I’m fine I don’t need you asking me that.” I said waspishly and from the instant way Jaejoong fell silent, I felt terrible. Why was I feeling bad anyway? He was the one who’d hurt me. I was foolishly willing to let go of everything that I knew to be with him. So why was I feeling bad?
“I know you don’t need me,” Jaejoong said quietly, pausing for an indeterminably long time before continuing, “but what if I need you?”
I made the mistake of looking at him. We slipped into that moment. That moment that only true lovers know. It was a rare moment where the world faded into nothingness. All in existence to me right now was Jaejoong and his eyes, his words trying to break the chains that barricaded my heart.
We hadn’t said it, but our eyes did that moment. Our eyes spoke for us and said how much we had missed one another. How much it hurt. How much we wished…
It was when Jaejoong bit his lip and turned away that I was jostled out of the woolgathering moment. Inhaling sharply I whipped my head away from him, shamed for having let myself fall under those spells that seemed to float temptingly, dangerously around us whenever we were at a close distance with each other.
That was why I was so unnerved by being beside Jaejoong. He made me actually feel after not really feeling anything for all these years.
Subsequent to aching like a fist had just closed over it, my heart rocketed to my throat and the bitterness that conglomerated there made my eyes sting.
I hated to think that I needed him too. I refused to believe that.
“Nobody needs anyone in this world.” I grappled at straws for what to tell him.
“Then how do you explain my being here?” he countered softly. I got fitful because he was getting to me. He was getting to my heart. A heart that I had toiled so hard to protect from everyone over the years. Guys had tried but were never able to get through. And here he was, sauntering back into my life like everything was a-okay, effortlessly unlocking the bolt over my heart in a matter of days.
I hated him for having this power over me.
“I don’t know. Idiotic cowardice? Either way, you come into this world alone, and you leave this world alone.”
“Right. But while you’re living in this world, there’s someone who’s supposed to hold your hand and help you walk through it before letting go at the end of the road.”
I rubbed at my chest where it hurt at the core.
“Wrong.” I said quietly, refusing to believe that what he was saying was true. Why did he have to say things like this?
“You can’t have everything you want in life.”
“I know that because I’ve had to work for every damned thing that I have and you know how I got them? I never gave up. I never give up so I’m not going to stop working for you too.”
Jaejoong’s words made me surge to my feet and start for the house because I couldn't handle them. I didn't want to hear them and I had to get away from him before he truly captured me like he had in the past.
But he captured me when he manacled my arm and made me turn around. The touch zapped heat through me, which totally caught me off guard.
“Wait, Mariam—”
“Please. Don’t.” I took a quick step back, my arms protectively wrapped around myself. Jaejoong looked affronted by the way I stepped away from him as if I didn’t want to catch a disease. To mask that he chortled faintly, holding his hands up in surrender.
“Chill. I’m not going to harass you. Just wanted to say someone who hates me, you’ve been real helpful. Thanks.”
I broke the long stare that followed and continued on into the house.
“Don’t be so quick to think that all things are good now…”
“I’m not. I know better than that.” He said with rancor, stuffing his gloved hands into his pockets.
The sudden sound of the door being chugged made us turn to find a cross Jin and a curious Hye with a Joongie just as curious.
“Umma!” he folded his arms stoutly, his ruby bottom lip puckered disapprovingly, “Why do you get to sit here in the cold with Jaejoong hyung and I can’t? Do you want me to spank you?!"
My mouth nearly hit the wooden planks that made up the porch as I gaped at my son. Loud peals of laughter rang out from beside me, making me cut my eyes at Jaejoong. He wasn’t even apologetic or intimidated by my death glares and continued to laugh.
"Where do you get off talking to me like that?!" I asked him, still in shock. I shouldn't have been though. Jin may be the type to bounce off the walls, but he was a very observant child. He caught on quick and I knew he had said that because of what I'd said earlier.
"You're being mean. You're going to get sick too."
"Mothers don't get sick." Hye corrected quietly.
"Shut up." Jin retorted.
"Jin!" I nearly shrieked, "What did I tell you about using that word?"
"That I can't use it." he answered.
"Then why are you using it?" I asked, baffled beyond belief.
"Why are you sitting in the cold when you told me I can't sit outside?"
My palm slapped my forehead and stayed there. I was stumped. Jaejoong on the other hand, kept on laughing like Jin's words were made of laughing gas.
“Hi Jaejoong hyung…” Hye greeted him softly with a slow wave. Jaejoong gave a toothy grin and bid her a nod.
“Hey pretty girl. How are you?” he asked through chuckles.
“Jaejoong hyung are we still going to make snow men?” Jin barged in brashly.
“Okay young man, first it’s very rude to interrupt people. Second, snow men? What’s this about snow men?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Jaejoong said, completely ignoring me as he hitched his head towards me, “Only if it’s okay with your mother.”
“Aw man!” Jin’s cheeks expanded as he pouted, “Umma never let’s us do anything!”
“Yes she does.” Hye defended softly.
“You’re just saying that because you’re a teacher’s pet.” Jin accused his sister.
“Am not.”
“Are too!”
“Am not…” Hye’s delicate features nearly broke from her overbearing brother.
“Jin, stop it. Get your butt back in that house right now.”
“Why just my butt?” he asked innocently, seriously looking forelorn and confused as to why I had sent his butt to the house.
More rounds of laughter pierced the air from Jaejoong. All I could do was shake my head.
“Take your whole self back to the house. You too Hye. Both of you aren’t dressed to be out here.”
“But why do you get to stay with hyung?!” Jin demanded to know.
“Jin…” I grated, my hands balled to fists at my side and my patience thinning at the velocity of lightning.
Fussing, Jin stomped back to the house while Hye quietly followed. Joongie had run to enjoy the snow.
Jaejoong was still laughing after the kids were long gone and I was busy rubbing my temple with my fingers, trying to fathom that boy.
“Wow.” Jaejoong murmured after he’d caught his breath.
“Yeah. I know. Now imagine that three sixty-five days a year.”
“They’re really something. A classic pair.”
“Who are you telling?”
"And Joongie, he's still the same size." he said of the puppy that had come from him.
"And he's still the rascal that he used to be."
“Is that Seung guy their father?”
Had I been drinking I would’ve chocked. The darted question was so abrupt and out of context that I thought I’d been whacked on the head when he asked it.
But it was clear that it's something that had been on the back of his mind, and that began to bother me. It meant that maybe he was slowly putting two and two together. I was surprised he hadn't already. I mean, just by looking at them anyone could tell. I was even surprised Seung hadn't mentioned a word about it. But i guess the thought of me birthing a superstar's kids was so unthinkable it never crossed his mind.
Throwing my head back I looked at him to find all traces of laughter erased from his face. He was really serious and even looked like he was holding his breath.
I too began to get nervous. The subject of who was the father didn’t sit well with me. I’d not only been exhausting my mind with thoughts of Jaejoong and how I missed him but also thoughts about him being their father and whether I should tell him. As far as I knew Dae hadn’t said anything because she hadn’t felt it was her place to speak on it.
I wanted to tell him. I knew I should have at that moment, but I was afraid. Just because he was here now didn’t mean he’d be here tomorrow. What difference would it make if I told him? Granted fatherhood was very important, nothing usually stood in the way of Jaejoong and his career.
I didn’t want my kids to feel the same disappointment that I felt because he didn’t deliver.
“No. No Seung isn’t the father.” I answered softly after nervously licking my lips. I was set off balance with the way Jaejoong noted that movement, having to tear his eyes to my face after that.
“He’s not?” he asked in surprise and I shook my head.
“So why did Jin call him Appa?”
“He did?”
“Yeah. When we were at the hospital.”
I sighed and shook my head dismally, “He has a habit of doing that even when he knows he’s not their father.”
It happened in slow motion, the glow that overtook his features. Then as if realizing this was happening too openly, Jaejoong suddenly turned around and whispered an energetic, ‘Yes!’ with a powerful fist in the air.
I stared at him in peculiarity up until he turned around with a forced, uncaring expression on his face.
“Oh. Well, I knew those beautiful kids couldn’t come from something ugly like him.” He said it so earnestly I couldn’t react.
“Jaejoong, are you well? How can you say something so childish? Don’t bad mouth Seung. He’s a good friend of mine and has been really helpful to me.”
Jaejoong sucked his teeth before rolling his eyes sideways, “He’s okay. I guess. If that’s what you’re into.”
“Excuse me?” I asked with a heavy attitude.
“I said, he’s okay, I guess. If that’s what you’re into.” Jaejoong repeated in the same tone as before, completely unaware that his words had been very rude.
“You weren’t supposed to repeat that…” I told him with a frown.
“Then what was the ‘excuse me’ for?”
I chuckled to myself, “Wow. I guess fame hasn’t changed your capacity to annoy people.”
“I guess time hasn’t changed the fact that you’re so got damn pretty it annoys the hell out of me sometimes.”
Thoroughly flustered, I turned away from Jaejoong.
“Who’s their father?”
The question made me stiffen. I cursed inwardly because I thought I was home free from this question.
Tell him…
Tell him! A voice cajoled within me. My teeth found my bottom lip in distress, glad that my back was to him so that he couldn’t see.
“He’s, gone. He’s not here...anymore.” I felt very disappointed in myself for what I had said. But I was too afraid. I knew I was being idiotic and selfish. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him.
“Oh,” Jaejoong said gravely, “I’m really sorry to hear that Mariam. I wouldn't have asked if I knew...”
I surmised he thought their father was dead. In all the years I’d known Jaejoong, I very rarely lied to him.
Guilt strangled me.
“Let’s go inside before we both get sick.” I hurriedly changed the subject.
“We’re both already sick. Love sick.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, a small smile tagging my lips as I was unable to keep from gazing at him, “I see the lameness still runs rampant within you.”
“I see being a smart ass is still your forte.”
He looked so adorable as he said those words. I had to gnaw on my bottom lip to keep me from smiling. Then looking in his eyes made me remember the dark way they’d looked at me the day he told me we couldn’t be and I no longer had to fight a smile cause the urge was no longer there.
“I guess some things haven’t changed.” I murmured sadly to myself.
“Like these unshakable feelings,” he snickered caustically, “I can’t get rid of them. Haven’t been able to for the past few years.”
My eyes faltered from his when my heart galloped, “Don’t ruin the moment Jae. You have to understand talking to you isn’t easy. I wish you’d stop saying things like that. It ruins the moment.”
“I guess the truth ruins things then.” he said, watching me so closely that I couldn’t take it anymore.
Annoyed because of my untamable feelings I started to walk off.
“Whether you stay out here or not is completely up to you.” I said as I stepped through the threshold.
I left the door open for him knowing that he would follow.
No sooner did I hear him beckon Joongie before hearing the sound of the door closing.
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Okay I’ll try to keep posting until ‘the moment’ when Jaejoong finds out. Lol if not THANKS I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!