| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
hang in there...don't give up on me lol
Chapter 12
Jaejoong
“Why do you look like a woman?” Jin asked me like the question was really pressing him. My eyes widened in surprise at the gall of this kid.
He really didn’t hold his tongue for anyone. He reminded me of myself at his age—and even now. Not being able to drive on my own was a nuisance though. That among many other things were nuisances.
I’d been coming to Dae’s house to see Mariam and her kids everyday since that fated morning. Even though Mariam was cordial with me, for the kids’ sake mostly, I knew that this wasn’t easy for her. I didn’t want to burden her, but I didn’t want to leave just yet. The kids and I had bonded in a matter of days and I found that I enjoyed spending time with them a lot. I also couldn’t fight the urge to buy them toys and clothes especially since most of their belongings were ash now.
I’d learned from Mariam that they were monozygotic twins. But that was all she’d tell me about them when I asked. I noted that she’d get visibly uncomfortable when I questioned her about them. And I found I had a pressing curiosity about them, an ambiguous one that I couldn’t seem to cool down. But because my questions made her so uncomfortable I stopped asking about them. She would either act like she hadn’t heard me or give a clipped response that discouraged more discourse.
Maybe it’s because of their absent father. I didn’t know whether he was dead or just a pathetic deadbeat. She didn’t talk about him much either, and neither did the kids. When I asked them about him, all their answers varied. Sometimes they said he was dead. Sometimes they said they didn’t have a father. Other times they told me that they simply didn’t know. It was a bit disturbing and even though Mariam was admittedly a great mother I’m not sure she did well in explaining anything about their father. It bothered me also, who this man was. And what kind of bastard he was to leave her with kids. But if he really had died, I was left saddened to think that these kids may never know who he is.
My situation growing up hadn’t been a common one. I’d grown up thinking my parents were these two amazing people only to find out after eighteen years on this earth that my parents were other people.
I kept to myself so that I could keep things less dramatic. But it was hard keeping my feelings to myself. They were still there. I’d stopped trying to understand them. I still loved her, and was possibly still in love but I tried not to venture through those paths for now. For now I just wanted to get her to feel comfortable around me like we’d once been before, but that in itself was a chore and a half.
Even though Mariam and I could hold steady conversations and laugh a little bit, it was like we were dancing around a fire on a floor made of broken glass.
Slowly but surely I was getting to know her again, even things I hadn’t known. It was a bit odd to be with her in ‘normal’ surroundings. Before when we’d meet in secret, it would be in cramped up hotels and so forth. In a span of a few days I’d learned that she was a very good mother. Had I been her husband I’d be very proud.
Dae was kind enough not to mind me being at her house. She even kept me updated on what was going on at LN headquarters. Because of what I had found out about Soon, I didn’t really want to hear about LN Entertainment or anything close to entertainment. I was still trying to get over the shocks I’d suffered, wondering if it had really happened or if I was making a big deal about it. I even kept my talks with the rest of DBSK to a minimum but when I did talk to them I tried to see how they were doing, pay my respects and apologize for making them work twice as hard.
“Jin!” Mariam hissed disapprovingly to his previous question.
“What umma? He looks like Hye. Are you a woman?”
“Jin come here this instant!” she demanded from the couch where she was seated trying to put ribbons in Hye’s hair. Hye was currently upset because Mariam had stole her away from me for a few minutes to do her hair. See, ever since I’d stepped foot in the house that day, Hye had this weird habit where she’d follow me around everywhere and do everything that I did. If I was quiet, she’d remain quiet too. If I talked, she’d feel the need to talk too. Wherever I sat, she wasn’t too far off. If I had a glass of water and reached out to drink it after not doing anything for a while, Hye would reach for her plastic cup and drink it just as I had.
Mariam claimed she had never seen her do anything like that with anyone—and she also said Hye didn’t really like anyone. Dae had observed this too.
It warmed my heart for some reason. It was also a bit funny because when I’d offer to wash the dishes, Hye would strenuously drag a chair beside me, climb on it, and help me wash them. Since I habitually sang while I washed, Hye would sing too.
Of course Jin would get jealous of the attention I gave to Hye and try to join in on the fun.
The last time I’d enjoyed myself like this was when I was on stage. When Soon told me that I wouldn’t be able to participate with the guys I thought my life was over, which it really was because my career was my life. It had come to a standstill and I had wondered what I was going to do with my time.
But for the first time as I spent time with Mariam and her kids, I found myself thinking what I thought whenever I was on stage, crooning to over a thousand screaming fans—that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.
These thoughts had come to me so fast in such a short period of time.
They scared me.
“Why are you getting mad at me?” Jin disparagingly asked his mother, his eyes glistening like he was about to cry. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Because you’re stupid.” Hye said casually.
“Who are you calling stupid? Stupid!” Jin retorted.
“Both of you stop it.” Mariam chastised them.
“It’s okay Mariam.” I told her.
“No. They both need to learn manners.
“It’s fine,” I directed my attention solely to Jin, “Do you really think I look like a woman?”
“Yes.” he answered so candidly as he sniffed I couldn’t withhold the peals of laughter that escaped from me.
“Oh goodness. What am I going to do with this boy.” Mariam murmured to herself as she shook her head dismally.
“You could sell him to another family.” Hye suggested softly.
“Hye please.” Mariam said with a sigh, fixating a bright pink ribbon on a pigtail.
“No. I’m not a woman.” I finally answered Jin.
After sniffing and wiping his eyes, I stared at me openly.
“You look like one.” He said earnestly and I laughed again.
“I’m sorry that I look like one.” I said with an apologetic yet playful nod, only for Jin to stare at me blankly.
“Jin and Hye, go play with the toys Jaejoong has brought for you.” Mariam said, assessing the work she’d done on Hye’s head. She now wore two curly pigtails that made her cute as ever. Soon as Mariam let her go she rushed over to me and tried to climb onto my lap. Feeling an odd sense of warmth, one that I had never felt before, I picked her up and sat her on my right thigh.
“Okay!” Jin chirped.
“Hey, hold on!” Mariam called out haltingly and he turned to look at her, eyes wide and guiltless. I found myself smiling at the little boy thinking of how adorable he was.
“What do you say to a person who gives you nice things?” she asked in an implicating tone.
“Give me more!” Jin chimed excitedly with a beaming smile. While Mariam was floored by his reaction I was left nearly dying from laughter.
“Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!” I said while I braced Hye in one arm and held my hand up to Jin who scurried up to give me a high five.
The look on Mariam’s face was priceless—one filled with astonishment.
“You two creep me out. Jin and Hye tell Jaejoong thank you please.”
“Thank you Jaejoong hyung!” they said in unison. While Hye remained on me, Jin then run off to play with his action figures at the far corner of the room.
“You two are so alike.” She murmured as she looked at off.
I’m not sure why but I felt really strange because of her words. There seemed to be a hidden message in them, but maybe I was just overthinking things.
I looked over at Mariam briefly. She’d been busy all morning calling the fire department to find out what would be the fate of her belongings and home. I’d watched from the sidelines while playing with Jin and Hye as she did housework. It had been so cute to see her doing such chores. I’d always thought of Mariam as the professional type of lady who would hire a maid to do her work for her instead. She’d even said she was going to do that.
But I guess that part of her had changed. My gut told me it had to do with the troubling past that she’d left behind in the US. I knew that she’d gone through a lot from that experience. And when I’d asked about it once she hadn’t even hid the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it, telling me bluntly that she didn’t want to talk about it. Of course, I didn’t.
Now as she sat on the couch dressed in a large white sweater that hang off of her shoulder, I couldn’t help but stare. My mouth watered at the exposed shoulder and bronze skin that covered it. I raised my gaze up to her neck and felt my loins tightening. She had a long slender neck that held a beautiful head. I especially liked the way her hair was unkempt, falling in frivolous strands all over her face.
“You look nice today.”
Mariam cut her eyes at me from staring pensively at the carpet.
“Whoa, sorry. I didn’t know the truth was not allowed in your presence.” I said while letting go Hye who began to wriggle in my arms. She then run to her brother and started to play with him.
I caught Mariam blushing before she turned away from me. When she faced me again her expression was one of annoyance, which made me laugh. She was so bad at lying.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
“You.”
“You’re not supposed to say that!”
“Eh?!”
“Argh! Nevermind,” she stood up and started towards the kitchen, “I’m going to get started on dinner—“
We were a good distance away from the kids when I’d caught her wrist to stop her, “No! No. let me do it.”
Mariam snatched her wrist away from mine and held it delicately in front of her midriff. It hurt the way she reacted when I touched her. And it hurt more because it was all my fault.
“Why?” she asked and I moved right in for the kill.
“You can’t cook.” This was something I’d found out about her in the past few days. While she managed some dishes, most of them were bad. She’d bought fish that day and that wasn’t one of her best.
Mariam’s mouth went slack, “What did you just say?”
“You can’t cook.”
My repetition earned me a painful slap on the arm.
“What was that for?!” I asked as I nurtured my stinging arm.
“What do you mean I can’t cook?”
“I mean that your food tastes bad.” I explained and Mariam folded her arms while letting her head fall to one side.
“So what are you trying to say?”
“…that you can’t cook…?” how many times was she going to make me repeat myself. Mariam stared hard at me before walking angrily to the kitchen. As she got her pots and pans the loud clanking of them was a clear indicator that she wasn’t a happy camper.
Biting my lip ruefully, I massaged my nape where tension had built. My honesty got me into a lot of trouble sometimes.
“Are you mad at me?”
Mariam’s back went stiff before she marched to the fridge, swinging the door open with so much force she sent all the contents in the fridge rocking.
“No.” she said, her lips which I found luscious barely moving as she spoke. I felt really unfair for finding her sexy when she was mad but I did and I followed her, smirking against my own will.
“Yes you are.” I said, standing behind her at the stove while shoving my hands into my pockets.
“Okay. I’m mad.” She admitted astutely.
“Why?”
She suddenly whirled around to me, “What do you mean I can’t cook?”
“How many times do I have to tell you? I mean that your food usually doesn’t taste nice. It sucks.”
This time I’d earned a punch on my arm that made me wonder if motherhood had raised her strength level cause it hurt like hell.
“Argh!! What the hell?”
“Jaejoong hyung the ‘h’ word is a bad word!” Jin sang out from the living room, making both Mariam and I look at each other in surprise.
“He never ceases to amaze me.” she murmured while looking at the kitchen’s exit.
“I know right?” my gaze had followed hers and at that moment I felt another blow against my arm.
“Seriously Mariam that fu—“ I caught my language when Mariam’s eyes widened, “I meant that really, really hurts.”
“Serves you right! You know how to spare someone’s feelings.” She snarled with sarcasm as she stalked to one of the cabinets where spices were located. Smirking, I trailed close behind her, enjoying the view from behind. Motherhood had not only made her a better fight but made her fill out in all the right places. She wasn’t bony anymore but was all woman now with all the right curves. I found myself having to push wistful thoughts away before I grabbed her and told her she made my loins ache so much that I had to have her whether we were on good terms or not.
Leaning forward I dropped my head until my profile was in close alignment with hers. My loins ached when I saw a nice yet tempting view of her shoulder and breast from where I stood.
“Did I hurt yours?” I asked silkily.
I enjoyed the way her shoulders trembled after I’d said that.
“You’re standing too close.” She said breathlessly when she’d recovered. Just to tease her I stood behind her a while longer but Mariam was smart. She didn’t turn around even when I was sure she’d gotten all the herbs she needed.
Chuckling softly to myself, I stepped far back until I was standing with my back against the wall. She finally turned around to commence her cooking.
“Hey.”
Mariam turned to accommodate me at my calling.
I hesitated a while before asking her.
“Am I forgiven?” I needed to know and from the way Mariam tensed up I knew she knew what I was talking about. It was hard to tell where she was coming from. We hadn’t even really talked about what had happened. Maybe it was too early for me to ask. But at least I’d asked.
Mariam swallowed hard before refocusing on cleaning the fish.
“Forgiveness is easy. It’s just the forgetting part that's hard. Forgetting is damn near impossible.” She said.
It didn’t really answer the question, but it was fair enough.
For now.
“Friends maybe?” I decided to try a different angle but the question went unanswered.
That was fair enough too.
I smiled wanly to myself as I pushed myself off the wall and went to see what Hye and Jin were up to.
I guess this would be harder than I thought, as it should be.
If I were in her shoes, I’d probably do the same thing.