| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Chapter 13
Mariam
Christmas was only four days away and I had yet to get my children gifts. I felt naughty for succumbing to Seung and Mariam’s, and now Jaejoong’s suggestions that I should stay at home for at least another week. Seung told me that I didn’t have to be due back at work until after the New Year.
I was ashamed to admit it but I liked this spontaneous break. I liked spending more time with my children.
But my joy was a trifle strained with Jaejoong there. Being around him felt really odd and I think it was because we never talked about our unsolved problems, much less talked about why he still hang around.
I still didn’t know what had caused him to appear on those steps that morning and from the looks of it he wasn’t going to tell me.
Jin and Hye were taking their afternoon nap after making snowmen with Jaejoong. I felt him strain whenever he’d have to come close to me to get something because of how I always reacted to his closeness. I couldn’t handle being close to him. II was always seconds away from asking him kindly to leave but for some reason I pitied the fact that he had nowhere to go.And also the fact that the children liked him very much. Far too quickly.
I think my uneasiness also stemmed from guilt. Whenever I watched him with Jin and Hye my heart would twist and turn. Everytime I’d come close to revealing the truth to him, I’d get tongue tied.
So I started to avoid him as best as I could. For example, I’d managed to get a locksmith to duplicate my car keys from the lock itself. Now it was much easier to drive home. When I’d returned, we’d all decorated Dae’s Christmas tree with her permission. The atmosphere was nostalgic yet painful. He’d missed four years of this. The children were so excited and happy to be able to do this with a male figure around instead of me all the time.
It had gotten so overwhelming to watch how well he was with the kids to the point where I excused myself to cry alone in my bedroom. I was so afraid. I was still angry. I hadn’t had the chance to shake him up and scream at him and demand to know why he had left me even if I knew why—he loved his career more.
The only reason why he was here was because of suspension. What would happen when his time ran up and the kids were clinging onto his leg begging him not to leave? Would his career and fans prevail then?
That day in particular, I avoided Jaejoong as much as humanly possible. When I called Dae to tell her of the stress that I was going through she’d told me she was too busy to talk and hang up before I could even get a word in. She too had been acting strange as of late. I began to wonder if she was avoiding me for one reason or the other—I did not know. Jaejoong had also casually told me that she didn’t call him to lend him in on the juicy details at work anymore.
I couldn’t fathom why she was acting the way that she was. But I had no one to tell of my budding problems so I suffered alone.
Jaejoong thought he was slick but he wasn’t. After I’d put the phone down from talking to Dae he’d tried to sound casual asking who that was. He’d also tried to sound casual asking if I still dated. I usually never bothered to answer, seeing as to how I didn’t think he had a right to ask me such questions. He didn’t get the hint though and continued to ask. He even went as far as trying to find out more about the guy who had fathered my children. I was slowly losing my mind.
I think Jaejoong thought it would be easy to win me back. I was certain that there was a part of him that thought I was entitled to him somewhat—just that typical, macho stuff I despised. And he started to give me 'that look' with those deep dark eyes of his that always left me on the edge. It was a penetrative look that sent a rush coursing through my veins. The feeling his eyes sent through me was a familiarity that I found dangerous. It felt good but it also made me nervous. Nervous and angry. A small part of me still detested his every being. And a small part of me hated myself because I wanted nothing more than to rest my head on his shoulder and tell him that I would willingly, foolishly take him back because I wanted that old feeling back.
I was playing with fire, which is why I kept away from him.
It was harder when the kids were in bed because no one could distract us from each other.
That afternoon that I tried to avoid him though was when the tip finally hit the iceberg.
While I performed menial tasks cleaning in the kitchen, a gentle rapping at the door sounded. Wiping my hands with the dish cloth, I swept to the front door, coming across Jaejoong who lay supinely on the couch with a magazine in his hands. If he didn’t look good that day I didn’t know what else did. He wore a black, brimless hat that matched a dark sweater where the hems of the sleeves call halfway down his hands. The jeans he wore fit him snugly, making me feel hot, cold, and angry. Sometimes I really hated him for his appearance.He was so sexy it hurt.
When I checked through the peep-hole who was there I shuddered. I’d already told Seung that I was too tired to go for a date with him. I was tempted not to answer the door but he knew that I was here.
“Who is it?” I jumped at the sound of Jaejoong’s voice when he asked that question.
Without answering him I opened the door to find Seung standing with a big smile and a bunch of roses in one hand while the other held a bag of takeout food.
“I just thought since you were feeling unwell…” Seung’s voice tapered off as his eyes drifted past my shoulder. Nervously I followed his eyes to Jaejoong who was now seated upright with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together.
“Kim Jae Joong, we meet again.” Seung murmured with disinterest.
Jaejoong nodded and saluted Seung with two fingers. Although the action made my knees weak because of how good he looked, it was still somewhat a rude gesture that I didn't condone.
Tension already submerged the room in a matter of seconds.
“Seung, what are you doing here?” I asked him politely with a shaky smile.
“What is he doing here?” Seung whispered.
“Talk louder. I can’t hear you.” I heard Jaejoong say from behind me and cut my eyes at him to find him rising to his feet and shoving his hands into his back pockets while looking at Seung squarely. I couldn’t believe this guy!
“Excuse me?” seung was obviously taken aback.
“I said, talk louder, cause I can’t hear you. You’re obviously whispering because you’re saying something you don’t want me to hear. Are you scared of me or something?”
Jaejoong had a big mouth but Seung had bigger muscles and I already knew that those two together wouldn't match. Especially since Seung didn’t take disrespect from anyone. But the same went for Jaejoong.
I put a placating hand on Seung’s chest, “Seung please just go. I appreciate you coming here but I told you that I was tired. Thank you so much for making the effort though."
Still, Seung was not a happy camper.
“What’s going on here though? Are you with him?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
The negation came from me but the lie came from Jaejoong obviously. He was now standing directly behind me. This left me sandwiched by both men, who were facing off each other with nothing but disdain in their eyes. Gosh, this was so pathetic, like one of those silly dramas I loathed and found repugnant. I didn't want to get caught up in something like that. I wasn’t going to tolerate it though like a helpless damsel in distress like those girls did.
“Jaejoong stop lying,” I told him curtly before turning to Seung, “And Seung whoever I’m with, is really none of your business.”
Seung’s brow furrowed in utter surprise. He looked at me as if to ask whether I was sure of what I’d just said.
“Ha, I guess she told your ass.” Jaejoong snarled arrogantly and I elbowed him. He winced in pain and caught his side, glaring at me accusatively.
“It’s none of your business too,” I told him before turning to Seung, “Jaejoong just came to see Dae. He’s waiting for her to return.”
Seung eyed me distrustfully, which annoyed me to no end. I shouldn’t have had to explain myself, or lie even, but I had to say something to get him out of my site.
“You know that they do work together, right?” I asked in hopes to cajole him to leave the issue alone.
Seung was reluctant at first before he gave a stiff nod. I was so glad that Jaejoong hadn’t butted in.
“Well, I wasn’t staying anyway. I just wanted to drop these off before I went to my parent’s house,” he handed me the roses and the take out.
"The roses are so beautiful Seung. Thank you so much."
Just as he was nodding a goodbye to me and turned to leave, Jaejoong thought this the best time to speak.
“Oh. Just some helpful advise. She prefers white roses over red. So I guess you failed this go around.”
Just as the rage rushed into Seung’s eyes I slammed the door shut and locked it before turning with my back against it to gape at Jaejoong. He was wearing that pragmatic look on his face, the unapologetic one he wore whenever his bluntness came into play.
“You are so full of yourself!” I seethed at him before going to the kitchen with the takeout bag and roses.
“Me?” Jaejoong said from close behind me, “Look at that guy. He was practically looking for his own reflection in your eyes so that he could make sure every hair was in place.”
“Jaejoong, grow up,” I rolled my eyes as I searched for a vase in Dae’s cabinets, “What you said was really unnecessarily rude and uncalled for. You don’t even know the guy.”
“That's something to thank god for.”
“Ugh! You are so annoying!” I was so frustrated I nearly slammed the glass vase that I found on the counter.
“And so are you. Am I supposed to sit there while some other guy brings my woman flowers?”
I slowed from twisting the kitchen sink’s faucet to look at Jaejoong. He mouthed a regrettable curse word as he looked away.
“Your woman?”
“Wait,” his hand was furled and the back of it was before his lips, “Sorry. That came out wrong…”
I fully turned around to him with the glass vase in my hand, speaking to him coolly despite the hot anger going through me, “No. I see how you are Jae. You think you own everything. Well you don’t own me. Just because your fans make you guys think your gods and that everything is rightfully yours, don’t mistake everyone else to be like that. I’ll give you a bit of a reality check. You’re just as moronic as the next human being. Maybe I was once a starry eyed girl who thought you could do no wrong but I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not yours. I never was.”
When Jaejoong just made his eyes downcast I turned away from him. We resorted to quietude as I drained water into the decorative vase. I then unwrapped the roses and dipped their healthy stems into the waiting water. After setting them in the far corner of the counter next to the wall, I kept my back to Jaejoong and looked out the kitchen window where snow drifted listlessly.
“What about our first night together?”
I could already see where this was headed and started to walk out of the kitchen before my feelings could catch up with me. But Jaejoong was fast. He caught my arm and brought me up to him. My attempts to get him off failed so I simply stared at the v on his neck. The sweater he wore was wide at the collar which left his shoulder blades and muscles exposed.
“That night when we first made love I became yours and you became mine. And we promised each other that from then on it would be no one else. Always and forever, remember?”
I threw my head back to pierce my eyes at him, the urge to hit him so strong I was surprised I hadn’t done it yet.
“How dare you? Do you f***ing remember anything? Or do you just think I'm stupid? Who left who?”
It was then that Jaejoong’s eyes fell away from mine and he let me go as he stepped back with a sigh.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Did you expect me to wait hand and foot for you? Or was I supposed to be some spinster until the end of my years? You are one to talk. What about all those women the magazines claim that you go out with? Boa? Don’t you get chummy with her every so often?”
“She’s just a friend.”
“Well if you can have friends then I can have friends too. You’re being very unfair to me right now.”
“It’s not like I can help it!” Jaejoong’s voice arose but he seemed to catch it before it could get any higher, “Do you think I like this? After all these years do you think I like being like this? Not being able to get over you?”
A weird feeling cascaded through me. My knees nearly gave from how weak they got.
“You’re a sorry liar.”
“I’m not lying.” Jaejoong pushed each word through clenched teeth.
“Well then you’re delusional. You’re not on stage Jaejoong. I’m not a love-crazed, screaming fan. This isn’t a love song where you can tell me all the silly overly sweet words and expect me to accept you with open arms.”
“I’m just telling you the truth…”
“No. You’re being childish. We’re not children anymore. You can’t say things like that.” With that said, I grabbed a disposable cup, put tap water into it and drank as I looked out the window, as that was my only outlet right now. I wanted to get in my car and drive away but couldn’t leave the kids yet. I needed to get away from him though because his words still echoed endlessly in my head. My cheeks were flushed as I remembered the most beautiful night in my life. It’s a shame that it had once brought me joy but now brought me nothing but dejection. And what was sadder was the fact that I could never, and probably would never forget it.
“Okay. I was wrong. I admit it. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry, sorry. You’re always sorry. Hey, you know what? You and the guys should write and sing a song called sorry. It would be a number one hit just like all your other songs.”
“I’m being serious Mariam.” I heard him say somberly.
He sighed heavily, “I was wrong. And being immature. And too possessive. You have to understand that it’s hard for me to see you with someone else.”
“When will it get through that thick head of yours that you’re the one who caused this?” I asked.
“I did. And I’m sorry. How about we call it a truce?”
“You’re asking for too much.”
“I know. I’m greedy and I’m selfish…”
“Well, you shouldn’t be. You already have the world…”
“Why do I need the world when everything that I want is standing right in front of me?”
“Like I said, you can’t have everything in life.”
“Well it’s my turn to have a saying. You can’t always run away from life itself.”
I didn’t respond to his words. Though they did succeed in distressing me.
“You haven’t kissed another man have you?” Jaejoong suddenly asked me quietly, making me feel like I’d been splashed with a bucket of chilled water.
Not to mention that the question enraged me to no end. I whipped around to glare at him only to come in contact with his chest. Flinging my head back I tried to ignore the odd sensations when I looked into his eyes.
Be strong Mariam, I coached myself. Don’t let this man trap you.
“What right do you have to ask me that question?” I asked, my hands balling into fiery fists.
“Have you?” he pressed.
“That’s for me to know.” I said with brimming indignity but when I tried to sidestep him he wouldn’t let me.
“And for me to find out. That guy, does he kiss you?” this time Jaejoong continuously walked and I was left without many choices other than to step back since if I tried to go around him he’d refuse.
“Whether he kisses me or not shouldn’t mean anything to you.” My eye was nearly twitching at how aggravated and…nervous he was making me.
“Why? What makes you think I’d like another guy kissing you?”
By then I’d been backed up until my lower back was pressed against the cutting edge of the kitchen counter. In my attempt to sidle him again I knocked my plastic cup onto the floor. Just to make sure I didn’t go anywhere both Jaejoong’s hands planted immovably on my sides against the counter.
His belt buckle gouged my stomach cause he stood so close. My breasts meshed against his iron chest. My toes were crammed against his boots. I had to tilt my head far back to look at his and was taken by what I saw. For someone who rarely let what he was feeling be known Jaejoong stopped at nothing to show me his discomfit at seeing me with someone else.
His thick set of brows were drawn close together in frustration. A storm writhed within his usually serene dark eyes. The rest of his face was still ‘perfect’ in every sense of the word, smooth and unbreakable. But his lips parted a tad to showcase strong, straight, gritted teeth. Warm breath rushed onto my skin from his labored breaths, making my skin shiver both delightfully and dreadfully. He looked so illicitly appealing, I chastised my body for reacting to hot and cold flashes the way it was doing.
“I guess you know what I’m about to do.” He said as he leaned closer.
“Do it and I’ll kill you.” I warned him in a voice that convulsed in fear. Not fear of him. But fear of how I was reacting to do. I would so be damned if I allowed myself the same grievances from the past.
“You wouldn’t.” Jaejoong murmured when our lips were just a breath away from each other.
“Try me.” my careless words curved Jaejoong’s once rigid lips into a smirk of mischief.
“With pleasure.”
“No. Jae—“
Jaejoog’s lips came down hard orders mine, reducing my orders to the pitiable garbled sounds of a mouse. I pulled in all my strengths and fought him as best as I could. When I tried to push at his broad shoulders he pushed forward. When I averted my head he caught my face in both hands to still it and it was when he speared my unyielding lips with a nimble tongue I felt myself crumble. Because of this I fought even harder and managed to push him away but only for a second.
“I’ve missed you so much Mimi…”
“Jaejoong. Please,” I panted, my hands flattened on his chest as I pushed, begging now because it was what I wanted so much too, “Stop.”
Jaejoong’s eyes followed every action I made as I avoided eye contact and tried step away from him but to no avail. Right before I could flee his strong hand closed over my wrist hard but not enough to hurt as he reeled me back in for the kiss. His head was tilted far so that he could match my height and ensnare my lips in his with no problems. He’d robbed me of the willpower to stave him off. His relentlessness was that of a tiger that wouldn’t let go of its prey and I weakened drastically this go around when his lips caught mine softly. This time begging him to stop was a lethal mistake, giving him access to my mouth easily with a velvety tongue that was as tempestuous as an icecream sundae. I mewled haplessly as Jaejoong’s hands now trailed up my sides to my underarms. Before I knew it I’d been hefted and sat up against the countertop with Jaejoong situating himself in between my parted legs, giving me no chance to boot him where he hurt most like I’d planned on doing.
Strong arms banded my waist as he drew me so inseparably close to his body our clothes were nearly singed off by the heated passion that flailed us. It wasn’t long before the kiss’s power became more apparent.
And the message he was trying to convey in the kiss couldn’t be ignored either.
He was rediscovering what he’d left behind as he kissed arduously. And in a sense it was like he was reclaiming territory. Or even trying to remind me who was my true first love and the disheartening fact that I certainly would never love anyone else the way that I loved him.
And because I knew I loved him, I slipped into the spell for a nanosecond and kissed him back. I was just about to rediscover him as he did me when I recalled the hash way my heart had been broken.
Soon as that thought made it past my mind I regained consciousness, my eyes flying wide open in panic. With the only rudiments of strength I pushed back with a sharp gasp and a palm cracking along his cheek. It had happened before I could gauge the credibility of it.
Instead of getting upset with me like I thought he would Jaejoong touched his cheek while chuckling quietly at the shock of it all.
I slid off the counter and nervously brushed the hand that burned from the slap against my thigh.
“Don’t you ever do that again!” I whispered harshly, my chest rising and falling alarmingly as I caught respite.
“I guess I deserved that.” He said sardonically, a sad look in his eyes as he stumbling back after I’d pushed him.
“I think you should leave.” I was trembling all over but I wasn’t cold. I was hot. Uncomfortably so. I hugged myself as if to shield myself from him. Jaejoong’s tongue rolled in his mouth and he touched his lip before examining his fingers to see if I’d done any damage, the other hand in his pocket.
Giving me one last inscrutable look, Jaejoong turned without a word, got his jacket from the dinner chair and took wide strides out of Dae’s home. He let the loud slamming of the door speak his frustrations for him.
The rest of the afternoon went by oddly. I felt like a robot. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone or anything. Unfortunately, the children’s afternoon nap was over and of course Jin had a lot of complaints when he woke up to find Jaejoong wasn’t there.
“But he promised to make a snowman with us!”
“I know. But he’s not here.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know Jin he’s just not here.”
“Probably because of you.”
My son’s words brought me up short and I glared at him, surprised to find tears swimming in his eyes.
“Everytime I get a father you chase him away!”
Before I could get one word out Jin had run off to his room, leaving me stunned, hearing his cries from the room. I knew Jin felt strongly about having a father, especially since the kids at kindergarten gave him a hard time not only about his looks but also because they knew he was fatherless. I thought of going after him but I just didn’t have the strength. Hye wasn’t too far off, coming to me and asking sadly where Jaejoong was because they were supposed to play. Her liking to Jaejoong wasn’t one I had expected—especially as quick as it had happened. Come to think of it, both of them really liked him a lot. Maybe they sensed something different about him in comparison to everyone else.
He was their father.
As I prepared dinner, chopping at carrots, I heard Jaejoong's words over and over. Our first night together. How glorious it had been! Any normal human being wouldn't be able to forget such a magical night.
Resting the knife on the chopping board, I closed my eyes trying to will the tormenting thoughts away. Closing my eyes only made me remember Jaejoong as he hovered me...
“I don’t want you to ever doubt me or what I feel for you. Please, please don’t. Remember that I love you now, I loved you yesterday, and I’ll love you tomorrow. If you’ve never believed anything else that I’ve told you, believe this. Please. Don’t forget it.”
When I opened my eyes a quick tear threatened to fall down my face but I wouldn't let it. Vigorously I blinked the tears away and continued to finish dinner.
I decided that a bubble bath was much needed, even so early in the afternoon. But I wanted to get one before getting dinner started. Dae had told me that she would be late once again.
Once done with my shower I dressed and just as I made my way to the living room I nearly screamed when I saw Jin seated on the carpet, having a conversation with an unidentified man in dark glasses. Jin must have let him in while I showered without my consent. The man looked like those hit men in movies, dressed in expensive tailored suits with their hair groomed. The only offset thing about him was the hard look he gave Jin as he talked. Usually when Jin talked a person was usually stumped or smiling. This man just gave poor Jin cold vibes. I'd just met him and I could feel them too.
“Who are you?” I asked, rushing to the livingroom and picking Jin from floor and taking his small hand with me as I stepped far from this stranger, “Please, don’t hurt us. I have nothing right now. This isn’t even my house.”
Instead of drawing out a gun and demanding me on the floor like I’d expected, the man's hard face suddenly softened. His face split into a smug smile as he scoffed, assessing me behind his bifocals.
“Well, if it isn’t the infamous Mariam Louis. Or I guess now that you no longer live in the states you go by your mother’s name, Mariam Lee.”
A cold trickle went through me. Ever since that calamitous case in the US I had been very wary of people. For all I knew he had come from there to come and threaten me some more. I thought I had left that past behind. I hoped it wasn’t returning to haunt me.
“I’m sorry but I don’t recognize you.” I murmured indifferently, holding onto Jin’s hands with a death grip.
“Umma he says I look like someone that he knows! He kept saying he can't believe it. I think that's all he knows how to say.” Jin said with thrill.
The man snickered with a shake of his head that seemed to stem from disappointment. I was losing my wits end being nervous. How did he know my full name?
“Would you please tell me who you are? I’m not the owner of this house.”
“I know. Dae is. She works for me actually. She's a very good worker. Very...ambitious. She let's nothing get in the way of what she wants."
I didn't know what that meant, and didn't have time to know what it could possibly mean because of his next words.
"I didn’t come to see her though. I came to see you.” he said casually.
All I could do was stare at this man paled by shock and fear. He stood up and held his hand out. The smile that he wore was amicable, but I traced a touch of insincerity behind it.
“I’m Lee Soon Yong. Kim Jae Joong’s manager. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you already.”