| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Jaejoong
I hadn’t wanted to go home but I had to check my invoices and make sure the bills were paid. Just because I lived in a mansion now didn’t mean it was for free. It came with a price. A high one at that. My childhood friends who I still talked to often asked me why I didn’t have maids streaming in and out of the big house. The answer was simple: I didn’t need them. It was just me living in the house and would be pointless to have someone cater to me alone.
Also, I was very rarely in this house.
I was usually never in one place long enough to actually call it a home. I could have easily asked my large family to come and stay with me if I hadn’t bought for them a house already. It didn’t matter either way. All of my siblings were grown and had all come into their own, all married with families of their own. My parents preferred the countryside but I still had a better house built for them when the rewards for my hard work finally came. I’d offered to purchase my other parents, my real ones one but they were insistent that I shouldn’t. They wanted to drill it home that they didn’t want me for my money. The reason I had two sets of parents is because my mom gave me away when I was younger and she couldn’t handle it due to poverty. I’d grown to love them both very much despite what had happened. I couldn’t help but think my birth parents still felt guilty though.
Even though I didn’t have housekeepers, what I did have was a guard at the gate. Despite my home being in an undisclosed location, fans still somehow found out where I was. They were tenacious as hawks trying to find their daily prey. I’d had to have tall brick walls built so that they wouldn’t trespass. Some would camp outside my house even when I wasn’t there. When I was there I’d had to personally ask them not to do that anymore not because of me but for their own health. Fortuitously they’d listened and given it a rest.
When the driver rolled to a stop at the gate, the guard approached us before allowing us in. I depressed the useful button to lower the tinted window. In his hand he had a bright gift bag of goods that he handed to me.
“Some Cassiopeia fans came by to leave you this. They told me to tell you that no matter what, they will always support you.”
His words came as a genuine surprise to me as I took the weighty bag from him. I surmised that this was all due to the driving while drunk incident. I laughed softly to myself, briefly scouring the bag.
“Thanks Hien hyung. I really appreciate it.”
“I checked them all out to make sure they weren’t hazardous before I took them.” He said and I was grateful for that because we’d had too many run ins with anti-fans that were trying to get rid of us one way or the other.
“Thanks again.” I told the guard who nodded. He was much nicer than my previous guard. The one before would discard all the gifts before even validating their safety or not. He was a good watchman but I didn’t like his treatment of the fans and got rid of him soon as I caught wind of how he treated them.
“Oh yes. Loon Soon Yong is inside waiting for you," the guard frowned deeply, "I told him you didn’t like guests waiting in your house while you weren’t there but he insisted. I couldn’t say no. I tried to call you but your phone was off.”
My phone was off and Mariam was the reason. I was so pissed off and confused by our last encounter and that kiss that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. That’s why after I’d stormed out of her house, I'd unthinkably tried to walk through town unnoticed. Unfortunately I hadn’t made it invisibly too long. I’d had to hide in the back of a man’s supermarket because some fan girls recognized me and began stalking and mobbing. I know, it had been stupid of me to think I wouldn’t be recognized. Sometimes I succeeded but now I hadn't.
I’d had to call up my driver to pick me up. Getting in the car had been a battle. The girls had been waiting and there was no other way of me getting to the car other than going through the front. Even though the store manager had kindly lent me his jacket to cover over my face—a very noticeable disguise—I’d still been yanked and groped on when I tried to leave. Much to my dismay I’d ended up with a scratch on my arm that left me bleeding and off to the hospital to make sure no infections came with it. I couldn’t risk it. Anti-fans might’ve plotted something and might’ve done something stealthy enough to endanger me. It all sounded so silly when you talked about it. I mean, they truly had no reason to hate us. After all, we were just simple men who entertained. But these things did happen. Some people really did hate us as much as others adored us. It was crazy.
I could’ve gotten mad at my guard for letting Soon in, but I knew Soon's ways all too well. He could pray fear into the devil himself if he wanted to. He could do anything if he wanted to because he was just that ambitious.
“It’s okay. Thanks for letting me now.” I told him before closing my window again and sighing gruffly to myself. Wondering what he wanted to bother me with now, I run my hand exhaustingly over my face.
Once we were driven inside, I thanked the driver and went to my home through the kitchen. The loneliness screamed loudly at me once I stepped into the house. At times I felt like buying this house had been pointless. What did I need a big house for? To show that I had money? Because someone like me was supposed to do things like this? I admit, there was a time when I became all about the money. All about status. But in the back of my mind I’d think about all that I’d left behind for this wealth. But I guess this is what life was truly about—sacrifices.
I made it to the living room, which had a high ceiling. I expected to find Soon there but didn't. As I walked in and shrugged out of my jacket, I found myself enjoying my favorite part of the house. Tall windows made up the wall that overlooked my manicured lawn. Surrounding the lawn was a garden of imported flowers from all over the world. Looking at this garden during nighttime always left me feeling nostalgic. I found myself imagining Mariam, Jin, Hye and I all playing here while my band mates were around with their own families. But me fitting into the picture saddened me with the thought that it was another man who belonged there, not me.
I let out a frustrated sigh, as thinking of another man took me back to the kiss we'd shared. Feeling her lips again, and holding her close to me as if to protect her from the world's faults had been nothing short of amazing. It had been nothing short of painful either. Just the thought that she'd been intimate with another man was enough to make me want to wail and gripe to the world, demanding to know why things had to be this way. Why it had to be my fault.
Why couldn't I be the first man to give her kids? Why couldn't I do that while still savor the fruits of my career? Why couldn’t life be as such? I guess it’s true what Mariam said.
You can’t have it all.
“You’re coming in late. Going on a drinking binge again are we?”
The unwarranted question made me turn around. Searchingly, I looking through the expansive living room, the furniture and ornaments within it casting ghostly shadows all throughout. This gave it such an eerie feel.
I spotted the glint before I realized it came from a familiar highball glass from a set I’d bought while in Paris on a tour. Then within the glass, I saw expensive bourbon shimmering as it was twirled amiss the darkness. Eventually it was brought onto the lips of Soon himself.
“No,” I said as I fully turned around and walked forward until I could see him better from where he sat, “I went to the river.”
“To do what?”
His question was intrusive. Like it was his god given right to know. Even when I wasn’t on the clock he still tried to control my life. I was starting to see things in Soon that I didn’t really like very much.
“To think.” I explained.
Soon took a few quiet sips before setting the glass on a nearby coffee table, “You don’t know how cross I am with you right now. I could kill you!”
Nonplussed by his outburst, I stood and stared for a long time before shaking my head.
“What now? We’re not allowed to go to the river? Sorry, I didn’t know that.”
Soon bolted from his chair and lunged at me just so that he could point a livid finger in my face, “Don’t you dare get smart with me! What now?! What now?! That—that b****!”
I twisted my lips while trying to govern my rage so that I wouldn’t stoop to Soon’s level. Shoving my hands in my pockets to keep me from hitting him for stepping to me, I rocked on the balls of my heels and tilted my head questioningly, “Who are you calling a b****?”
“That snake that’s ruined your life!” he seethed. Then he suddenly grabbed my shoulders and shook me vigorously, his breath flagrant of alcohol, “Don’t you see Jaejoong?! Your life is ruined right now. Your life is over!”
I shoved his hands from me and stepped back, wondering if he was drunk, “What are you talking about?!”
“Mariam! The kids! When were you going to tell me? How long have you kept this a secret?” he asked, his eyes wild.
“Kept what a secret?”
Soon suddenly grabbed me by the collar, jerking me forward so hard I heard an tense bone in my neck pop.
“Listen, don’t play me for stupid. I’m about up to here with your ways.”
Using all my force I pushed Soon roughly away from me before rubbing my nape where it hurt, eying him like he was insane, “What the…what’s wrong with you? Are you drunk?”
“Don’t try to be cute or funny! You’ve been a father for four years! Four f***ing years and you never mentioned it?! To anyone?!”
“Huh? A father?" I shook my head vehemently, "I’m not a father.”
If this was the latest rumor he was taking it too seriously. Over the years the rumor department had gotten so bad that at times even Soon started to believe them. But he’d often approach us in private and ask us whether they were true or not. He always believed our answers.
Soon snickered as he stepped back, “You will keep the act up until the end, huh? I must say. You did a good job of keeping it under wraps.”
“Keeping what under wraps?” I was really getting agitated with him.
“You had kids by that woman! You didn’t even have the decency to let anyone know!”
I stared at Soon blankly before chortling to myself, “Look, you have it all mixed up. Those aren’t my kids.”
“You’d better stop taking me for an idiot. One look at them is all the proof I need.”
“What?”
“Those kids. Mariam’s kids. Your kids. They’re the spitting image of you. And not only that, Dae confirmed to me that they’re yours,” Soon stumbled back until he sat down heavily, “Even when you do the math, it adds up. You left approximately four years ago. How old are those children now? Aren’t they four years and some months? Their eyes, their facial structure, it’s all you.”
I didn’t react at first because it hadn’t sunk into my head.The selling point of what Soon had said was 'Dae confirmed to me that they're yours'. It was clear to me that the friendship Mariam and Dae had was a close one. It would only make sense for Mariam to reveal to Dae something so personal.
Although Soon was making good points, it was still very hard to believe. I knew that there was something strikingly engaging about the children and especially what they looked like. But the thought of them being mine hadn’t crossed my mind because, well, from how much Mariam hated me it just seemed so unlikely.
Regardless of that, I knew Mariam well enough to know that she would’ve told me. She wasn’t the type to be so malicious that she’d birth them without me around. Or without telling me. Or without trying to.
No.
Not Mariam.
Not my Mariam.
Then again, she wasn’t mine anymore.
But still, she wasn’t the type of person that could keep this from someone.
“You’re lying.” I finally said, my lips rubbery with denial as I talked. My heart's pules became sluggish, as if it was stopping along with time, along with the world due to this revelation.
Soon's angered visage slowly altered. His eyes slowly widened. I think he was realizing that I truly didn't know.
"You're lying to me. And that's one thing Mariam doesn't do. She doesn't lie. She would have told me," I shook my head, holding it where it began to hurt as I took receding steps, "No. Mariam wouldn't lie to me."
This all felt like an out of body experience. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was watching someone else. Surely, Mariam wouldn’t keep something like this from me.
“I wish I were. She admitted it to me. Not once did she deny that you were their father."
No! My mind screamed. I had yet to ask her if I was the father, but for some reason I just didn't think I could be. If I had asked her though, would she deny it? Or would she tell me the truth?
Mariam would tell me the truth, I told myself. She hated me, but she was always honest at all costs.
"How could you lie to me like this Jaejoong?" Soon began sadly, "Haven’t I been there for you? Haven’t I been good to you? You guys are my favorite people out of everyone in LN! I treated all of you like my sons! How could you keep something like this from me?”
This was all too much for me to take. I refused to believe it. Mariam wouldn’t keep something like this from me.
"How could you?" Soon demanded softly. Something in me snapped.
“But I didn’t! How could I when I didn’t know about it?” I held my head like it was about to explode and walked to the window as if that would liberate me somehow, “She didn’t tell me about this. She…she said that he, he was gone…”
And that's when it began to make sense. The way she’d nervously licked her lips whenever I brought the situation up. The way she’d avoid any form of eye contact. How she’d keep discussion about their father to a minimum.
Because it was me.
All this time, I was the person she was trying not to talk about.
“How could she?” I asked myself more than anyone else. I couldn’t remember the time I’d felt betrayal this overwhelming. Well, only a short week ago when I’d found out that Soon wasn’t the glorious person I thought him to be. Placing my arm lengthwise on the window, I rested my forehead beneath it on the cold windowpane. The pain deep within was unbearable.
Light footfalls came from behind and when Soon spoke I knew he was a few feet away from me.
“I told you that there was something about this girl that I didn’t like,” the accusatory tone was vanished from Soon’s voice replaced with a sympathetic one, “How could anyone keep something like that from a man? A man’s first children? Especially when she knew that you wanted to become a father some day."
I shook my head in denial, "No. They're not mine. Mariam wouldn't do that to me.
"Is this the type of person that you want to put all your energy on? Is this the type of person that you should love Jaejoong? A liar?"
My hand up against the window balled up in a tight fist, feeling the need to shatter it with a good anger-filled punch.
I knew that Soon was using this opportunity to play devil’s advocate. Because I felt it working, because I couldn't handle it, I turned and roughly brushed passed Soon. Grabbing my coat from the sofa where I'd thrown it, i stormed out of the room.
He called out to me but I ignored him. My mind was already made up. I had to go see her. To see them. I had to make sure that this was true. This might been one of Soon’s machinations. And if it was he had gone too far. And I would never forgive him.
If this was true, whether I'd forgive Mariam could be put up to question.
I didn't know.
Mariam couldn’t honestly look me in the eye and keep something like this from me. But then she hadn’t been able to look me in the eye nowadays.
I just couldn’t believe it.
I’d called up my driver, who to my fortune was still conversing with the guard. By then Soon had stopped following me and I had no problem instructing the driver on where he should take me.
Seated in the right of the backseat, I let my head rest against the window pane. It hurt excruciatingly because too many thoughts swirled like a storm tore through it. My heart raced so hastily I feared it would give out. I was casually looking around the car when I saw that I had left the bag with gifts in here instead of taking it to the house. I picked it up and began to look through it. Normally when I looked at fan's gifts and read their messages I felt better, like nothing in the world could bring me down because I had their love. But not this time. Now I felt so lost and confused. Like my life had been a lie twice as much now. The things that had been going on with Soon that I didn't know about. Having children for four years and being unknowledgeable of it. I wasn't even thinking of what would happen if fans found out. It's not that I didn't care what they thought, it's just that for the first time my thoughts came before their feelings which I had always put first in my life up to this point.
Was that the reason why I had missed four years of my children's lives? Because I lived for my career? Pain streaked through me when I answered myself.
The driver hadn’t even parked when I threw the door open, making him curse me out for my hazardous actions as I barreled out of the car.
I pounded my fist impatiently on the front door until it was open by Hye who was dressed in outwear as though she was about to go somewhere. I was surprised to find her because I thought Jin was the only one with the bad habit of opening doors to strangers.
“Jaejoong hyung!” she said gleefully, her eyes shining with joy from seeing me. It didn't matter that she should've called me 'oppa' instead. Right now rectitudes didn't matter. What mattered was that the girl in front of me could possibly be my child. My daughter. My heart lurched and I dropped to my knees as I looked at her, tears already in my eyes.
Seeing her now was different than all those other times because now I knew that she was my daughter. She had come from me. Her small ears, her small hands. I brushed her head and just watched this small being, trying to fathom that I had actually fathered her. I had helped create her. It was then that the shutters of my eyes opened and I saw myself in her. How had I not seen this before? I’d tucked her into bed the days I left Dae’s house late. I’d helped her get ready on the mornings I came early.
My hands were now on her arms as I held her the way a man would hold a diamond he'd found in the rough for the first time. The feeling that streamed within me was like none other. I couldn’t describe what it felt. It was an assortment of all things joy, sadness, pain, regret, and relief. I was ambushed by all these emotions just by looking at her. My daughter. My flesh. A part of my soul.
“Jaejoong hyung, why are your eyes shining? They look the way mommy’s look when she’s about to cry. Are you about to cry?” she asked, her delicate features twisting in confusion.
“Who’s your father?” I found myself asking. It had been hard to speak. My throat was clogged with tears that I wouldn’t let fall just yet.
“He’s dead.” Hye answered even though she’d said given a different answer the last time I'd asked her.
Her answer made something within me resurrect. It was like a part of me had been dead all along, ever since I'd walked away from Mariam's life. Looking at this young girl and knowing that she belonged to me made that dead part of mine arise once again.
I looked at her with scrutiny, especially the shape of her eyes. I wasn’t so self-centered that I knew exactly what I looked like but now that I really thought about it, I saw a similarity in the shape of our eyes except for our eye color.
“Smile.” I said suddenly and Hye did without any hesitation. There was something about her smile that seemed so familiar. It reminded me of my beloved grandmother's. My heart plummeted and soared all at once.
As I shook my head, her vision blurred before more tears.
“He’s not dead, but your mom's about to be.” I said, my voice huskier than usual before I brought Hye into my arms and hugged her tightly. I knew that wasn't a thing to tell a child but I was so mad I wasn't really thinking of what I was saying.
It was as I hugged my daughter that tears escaped my eyes and I clutched my eyes tight in regret. Four years! I’d missed four years of their lives! In the past, whenever I'd think of having kids in the future, I'd vowed to give them the best lives possible, to make sure that they never experienced the type of loneliness that I had. And it hurt to the core that my worst fears had come true.
Opening my eyes, I pulled back and stared at her once again just to make sure that this wasn’t all a dream.
“You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, you hear me? And I’m going to make sure nobody ever hurts you.” I said, shameless tears rolling down my face. This was the first time in my life that I wasn’t ashamed for letting my tears fall when the world was seeing.
Despite looking at me like I had three extra heads attached to my neck, Hye nodded. I hugged her again, this time using one hand to wipe away my tears as the waves passed before I pulled back once again and stared at her.
“Will you be coming with us?” Hye asked, her head tilting back as she followed me while I stood up.
“Coming with you where?” I asked, my hand on top of her sandy brown hair. My god. This was still so astounding. My child! She was my child. Who would have thought? Certainly not me. I would never forgive myself for not knowing.
“Umma says we’re leaving today. Can you keep a secret? She told me not to tell anyone where we’re going. But she said we’re going to see Grandma first.”
Hye’s words came like at me like a slap on the face. Then as if on cue Mariam came down the hallway dragging luggage with her while hoisting Jin in her other arm, who was sleeping fast asleep her shoulder. She hadn’t seen me at first because she was glancing down at her boot-covered feet. Her face was filled with nothing but worry.
Looking at her made it all the more painful.
When she realized the door was open and I was standing within it she came to a slow stop. She lifted her head and when our eyes met my heart twisted in torment. Her eyes were wet and rimmed with red as though she’d been crying for hours. I told myself that I didn’t feel sorry for her whatever the reason was.
She parted her lips to speak but I wouldn’t let her. I had to get this out of the way. I had to know.
“Who’s their father?”
Mariam froze. This time she didn’t grimace in annoyance the way she usually would when I’d ask her about him…about me. Instead, her red-rimmed eyes widened.
There was a knowing look in her eyes, one that said she knew that this time the question was different from all other times.
As I looked at the woman who I loved in the eye, one of the only very few people in life that I thought would never lie to me, I felt like I was suffocating. I swallowed hard at my burning throat, staring at her hard and demandingly.
“Tell me the truth this time.” I added quietly as my eyes fell away from her to the carpet. I gnawed on my inner lip as I awaited an answer.
A second, a minute, or an hour must have gone by as Mariam stood quietly before me.
“You are,” she croaked out and when my eyes flew up to her I found tears raining down her cheeks, “You’re Jin and Hye’s father.”