| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
ps. this song by Michael Jackson Don't Walk Away sooo fits with this chapter
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KXOcqfX1qXg
Chapter 16
Jaejoong
“When were you going to tell me?”
Mariam couldn’t look me in the eye. She was nervously fingering the right sleeve of her sweater. As much as I wanted to spend time with the kids, especially now knowing that they were mine, they weren’t my focal point of attention right now. I’d ushered them to one of the bedrooms were they played with the dog Joongie. They were happy to see me because that meant breaking more of mother’s rules, completely oblivious to what was going on.
“When were you going to tell me?” I asked again with calculated calm, focusing on my linked hands briefly when looking her in the face was too hard to bear. It was so hard to keep my temper. What I really wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs and demand why she had done this. Why she had kept something so vital from me.
When Mariam remained unresponsive, I diced my eyes at her once again.
I bore into her, watching as she nervously tucked her behind her ear. She fidgeted restlessly in her seat, avoiding eye contact at all costs.
“What?” I raised my chin, sitting back into the chair, “So now you can’t talk?”
Mariam suddenly shot up to her feet and started for the door. I flew off the couch I occupied and manacled her wrist before rounding her back to me.
“When were you going to tell me?!” I nearly bellowed but caught myself. There were kids in the house. My kids. And I didn’t want to scare them.
She tried to wrest free but to no avail. Then tried to use her free hand to peel my fingers off of her but I caught her fingers too, holding her
Mariam discouraged all eye contact by keeping her eyes low.
“Were you?” I demanded in a surprisingly soft voice. My eyes following her, my head doing the same when she turned too far, “Were you going to?”
“No!” Mariam cried. My rigid hold on her wrist loosened as shock coursed through me, which gave her more chance to herself from me.
Mariam then spun away from me, hugging herself as she walked to one end of the room.
“What?” I asked in shock.
“I hadn’t planned on you returning, so how could I tell you?” she asked quietly.
“That’s a load of crap,” I murmured angrily, closing the distance between us in big strides. Grabbing both of her shoulders, I made her turn to face me, “When you saw me that last , did you ever think to tell me?”
“Let me go Jaejoong—“
“No. You weren’t going to,” my face twisted as pain coursed through me, “How could you—“
“I’ll call the police if you don’t let me go—“
“How could you let me walk around not knowing that I was a father?!”
Mariam successfully slapped her hands away from mine and stumbled back. She glared at me with accusing, flooded eyes.
“Don’t you dare put the blame on me! Who left? Who had left me before I could tell you the news?”
“Won’t you let that go for a second?! That’s not what this is about!”
“You have a lot of nerve…”
“You can’t stand here and tell me your mouth wasn’t working enough for you to tell me that you were carrying my kids!”
“I didn’t know that I was carrying your kids until after you left! What I wanted to tell you that day is that I wanted to come with you! To go wherever you were going! That’s what I had wanted to tell you before you destroyed us!”
Her words made me pause. They came to me as a surprise.
She looked so crestfallen. I’d always seen this sadness in her eyes, but only as a small glint. Now the glint had magnified, spreading from her eyes to every other part of her. Taking baby steps, Mariam went to the couch, sitting heavily on it.
“I wanted to tell you that I wanted to go back to Japan, or Korea, or wherever it was you were stationed, with you. I didn’t want to be in the US any longer because my life was in shambles,” she sighed shakily, closing her eyes as she let her head fall back, “Forgive me for saying this. It’s probably the dumbest thing I’ll ever say.”
Her head dropped, her eyes opened, and she stared at the ground as if blaming hell for damning her.
“But at that time, I felt I had no other reason to live. My independence had been robbed from me, which was all I had besides my parents. This may have not been the smartest decision I made, but after we…”
She swallowed hard, hugging herself tighter as if to ward away the cold pain.
“After we made love, I really thought that I was in love with you Jaejoong. Madly,” she seemed to choke on her tears before grimacing as if she tasted something bitter, “In love with you. To the point where I wanted to risk it all and go with you wherever you went,” her voice dropped, “I wanted to give up everything and be with you. Because…”
She sighed again, letting her tear stained face fall into her hands. I let her cry her quietly. But even if I let her, it wasn’t easy on me either. Each sniff, each hiccupped sob deteriorated my strength. I leaned against the wall that I stood beside with my arms folded, looking at the ceiling as though it held the freedom that both Mariam and I longed for right now.
“Because at that time in my life, you were the only thing that made sense to me.”
Mariam’s words made my eyes dart to her in shock. Her face was red. It was built of a network of rivers that streamed down her eyes, which I’d call Tears of Pain if I had to give it a title. I never expected to feel the pain that I felt when I saw the lost, confused and pained expression on her face.
“I had always lived such a straight laced life. I had always known what was going to happen in my life. I had never been one to care for emotions. Things like relationships came secondary to me. Then…there was something about that night after we made love that made my perspective on a lot of things change. Even though I knew that you weren’t something certain, something sure, because you were rarely there, after that night the love I felt was so…” she sighed sharply, “Irreversible. Like nothing could turn me back to the way that I used to be. And when I learned the life that I had built would fall, I wasn’t hopeless like most of the other prosecuted persons around me were. In fact, it all didn’t matter to me anymore because…”
Mariam bit her lips before shaking her head with shut eyes that spilled more regretful tears.
“Because I had you.”
No words could describe what Mariam’s words made me feel. I didn’t know whether to brand it as a good feeling or a bad feeling.
“Yes. I said it. It’s foolish, but that’s how I thought at the time. At least with what I felt for you, I knew that my life wasn’t over. At least I had one more purpose to live. So that night, I’d come to—to tell you that I was—that I was ready to give up everything I owned just to be with you. I was ready to tell you that it didn’t matter to me what it took to be with you, I just had to be with you. That’s why I was excited because,” she smiled wanly, “I thought that what we had was true love in the making. I felt that wow, this is what people who are truly in love feel. That nothing in the world can stop them from wanting to spend the rest of their life with their soul mate…”
I slid down the wall until I sat on the floor, my knees hiked and my arms looped loosely around them. I stared at my interlaced fingers as I listened to her.
“But, I was stupid. So stupid. I can admit that now, even with shame, that I had been stupid. A dreamer. I’d been unrealistic. And I guess you breaking up with me showed me that starcrossed lovers, Romeos and Juliets, don’t exist. That maybe people with bad fortune delude themselves with unrealistic expectations from love just to make their lives seem a little bit better.
“After the break up I didn’t really have time to mourn because I had to deal with the company’s case. It was around that time my moods began to get so drastic. I slipped into a depression so deep my mother forcefully took me to the doctor. That’s when I found out that I was pregnant with your child. I was so angry with you that I never bothered contacting you. I was still very shocked too. And while all of that was happening, I’d had to go to court and was found guilty of fraud along with thirty other co-workers.”
Mariam chose that moment to fall silent. The more she spoke, the more strangled her voice became, like she’d had to round up a thousand strong men to laboriously push each word out of her mouth.
“So what happened?”
She hesitated for a long while before speaking.
“I ended up going to prison for five months.”
My entire body tensed like it had been thwacked and my head turned sharply in Mariam’s direction, “What? While you were pregnant?”
Pursing her lips, Mariam nodded. Her eyes clouded as I’m sure the memories rushed to her.
“Despite them knowing of my pregnancy, I had to serve. While I was carrying Hye. I was sentenced to one whole year. But they went easy on me because of my pregnancy and let me out before for good behavior.”
I couldn’t bear the thought of the woman who carried my children and my love being in prison. Whenever a person thought about Mariam I was sure relating her to prison never sprung up in mind. It had certainly never even from the moment I met her. Mariam was all about going by what was in the book. Whenever she got so much as a traffic ticket she panicked like the Second Coming was close.
“But even if they let me out early,” she continued, “I was on probation afterwards, which would have put me at a bad predicament for the next five years anyway. Especially when it came to work. So I started planning what to do. And with my mom’s encouragement, I tried to reach you too, even though I honestly wanted nothing to do with you. But even so, you were nowhere to be found.”
Guilt flailed me with merciless licks. To put it simply, I felt like crap. And there was nothing that I could say to defend what was left of my honor. I was guilty as charged. To murder any type of temptation that would get me crawling back to Mariam, I had changed my phone number. That in itself wasn’t uncommon because fans always had a way of getting my number which would result in me having to change it. But I always gave Mariam the new one. Not this time though.
As for e-mailing, that was even much more difficult than not calling. Although at times the people you communicate with on the internet are miles away, there’s this closeness and readiness about it that makes you feel like the person is right there. I used a completely different host than I used to for my e-mails because whenever I signed on, the urge to check if she’d written me got too compelling.
I didn’t know Mariam’s friends, so no one called me to let me know. Mariam definitely didn’t know mine, so she had no way of getting to me through them.
It had been a difficult, heart-wrenching experience that to this day I still can’t forget.. The fact that the wreckage had all been my fault made it all the more unforgettable.
“Why didn’t you call me Jae? Or write me or anything?” Mariam zapped me back, her question asked gently. When I looked at her I only managed to for a halved second. It was worse that her question and eyes were incriminating as usual. She looked like she really wanted to know.
“I wanted to forget you.” I answered honestly, “But, it didn’t work.”
It really didn’t. After the break up I went through some insane withdrawals. For a while I even suffered with anxiety, wondering where she was, who she was with, and if she was okay. There was a time I thought of her everyday; so much that it was torture. Then slowly but surely, DBSK, friends, and work helped me handle the situation a bit better. I didn’t forget her, but I didn’t think about her as much as before. But those moments when she would subjugate my mind would always return. When the emptiness in my heart would distend almost to self-consumption, those times I’d seek the help of Yunho and he’d help me make it through.
Mariam simply nodded after staring at me in surprise.
“Well, because I was afraid of what the future may hold for Hye and Jin I wanted to start with a clean slate. I couldn’t be jobless and my mother was willing to leave the business she had here, which she loves and adores, to come and help me. But I couldn’t make her do that. I didn’t want my mistakes and misfortunes to fall on my parent’s heads. I was about to go to France when Mama told me to go stay with her. So even though I started a new life in Korea, I took the twins to Paris on occasion so that they could be familiar with both cultures and also because I knew dad wanted to see them.”
“That must have been tough.” I commiserated.
“Was it ever,” her elbow planted on the arm of the couch and her forehead fell over her hand in exhaustion, “Especially living in Korea having to deal with your level of popularity. It hadn’t been so bad in the U.S. because people didn’t know who you were. But you guys are worshipped like gods here, it’s a bit scary. Do you know how torturous it has been, to see your face on billboards, or your posters in every shop that I go, and still not knowing where you are? It was almost like you were this ghost haunting me, one that I could see but not touch. It felt odd hating you from seeing you while the people around me just lived to see your face. It tortured me. But even if I knew where you were, I’m not sure I would have told you.”
Painstaking silence followed after that. I didn’t know whether to be angry or not.
“Our last meeting together confirmed that you truly never loved me. Which is okay. I was the fool for believing anything you told me,” then her hurt face turned hard as granite, the firmness in her voice loud and clear, “But I don’t want my kids to endure what I endured. They’re more fragile than I am and I’m barely making it emotionally. I will not have them go through what I went through. I don’t want them to go to bed asking why dad isn’t there, or why dad doesn’t call when he says he’ll call, or why dad’s coworkers seem more important to him than his own family does. I’m not going to have that.”
“You wont.” I affirmed, which only made her look up at me distrustfully.
“That’s the same thing you told me Jae, how am I to know that you won’t do the same to my children?”
“I would never do anything to hurt my children.” Wow, it felt so surreal saying that. My children. I was twenty-five years old and already had children. Who would’ve thought?
“But you did everything to hurt me.” she reminded and my lips parted with the need to say something as hurt washed over me.
When I failed to come up with something to say, Mariam sighed as she stood up, “But that’s okay. It’s over and done with.”
I rose to my feet too, “Mariam, I know you hate me. And I’m sorry. What I did was wrong. But I loved you and I still do—“
“Please…” she held up a halting hand, “Don’t. Spare me. You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”
“I’m not lying.”
“It’s okay Jaejoong. I’d already accepted that you weren’t ever really in love with me,” she smiled sadly, “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for being honest.”
I was stumped. She really thought that I wasn’t in love with her. I didn’t know whether I was still in love with her or not, but I still loved her. I always would. Regardless, it seemed like nothing that I said could reverse her thoughts. I was well on my way to ask her if we could do anything about this when the phone rang. Excusing herself, Mariam went to answer it. I listened in on her side of the conversation but her answers were so short, the conversation ending so quickly itself that I couldn’t pick up on anything.
When she hung up the worrisome expression on her face prompted me to ask who it was.
“It was for Dae.” She explained hastily, sweeping to the room where the kids were.
“There you go again. Lying to me. Is this what you’ve become?” I asked in discomfiture as I followed her.
“Kids, it’s time. One of you carry Joongie. We’re leaving now.”
When the kids began their complaints Mariam’s voice raised, becoming more militant. The kids were obviously as stunned by this as I was. Sullen and on the brink of tears they picked up their belongings, with Hye carrying Joongie. My heart broke to see them like this and I found myself getting really mad at Mariam.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked, replete. I was all sorts of and broken inside. What I really wanted to do was to chain her to the house so that she could leave but I didn’t have the energy even if I had the guts to do that.
“Come on,” Mariam bent over and zipped up Jin’s puffed up jacket up until the corners went over his mouth, “Let’s go.”
“Mariam…” I grated, watching helplessly as she walked them to the front door. As soon as the door opened I broke out of my trance and followed them out. I wasn’t going to let them walk out of my life again. Outside we were assaulted by the cold air. Thinking of this kind of weather and not knowing where my kids would be made me fitful.
“Jaejoong hyung tell her I don’t want to go.” Hye begged. She was looking right at me. Her eyes shimmering with tears. I was supposed to give her everything that she wanted right? So now I most definitely couldn’t let them leave.
“Please. Tell her. She never listens to us. She might listen to you.” Jin joined in the pleading. But all Mariam did was set her luggage down, open the backseat doors and carry the unyielding children inside. She was really going to do this. Her shutting the door made it all the more final and when I looked deeply into her eyes I saw that she was on the brink of tears herself, reclaiming the luggage in her hands.
I could feel my own rushing back to my eyes as I watched Mariam shoo them out of the house and direct them to the parked car.
“Mariam, can’t you hear them? They don’t want to leave.” I said while standing in front of her.
“I’m sorry Jaejoong,” she said emotionlessly, “We’ll discuss this later—“
Unwittingly I ripped the luggage from her hold, making her stare at me in a mixture of surprise and anger.
“Look, I’m really not in the mood for this okay? Why the hell are you leaving? Is it cause of me?” I asked with one hand on my chest not only identifying myself but the place that hurt so much.
“I’m leaving because of my personal choice to.” Mariam said with forced calm. I stared down at her hard, fuming like a bull as she tried to pry the luggage from my vice grip.
“Well, I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”
Her eyes went wide before narrowing. She then averted her gaze from me to the kids crying in the backseat, “Jaejoong please, now isn’t the time—“
“You’re right. Now isn’t the time to walk off with my children just when I found out that they’re mine.”
She appeared to be very torn, “Please Mariam. Don’t do this. I won’t let you anyway. Come to think of it, you’ve been making preparations for the past few days. Fixing your car and all. Always leaving when I come around—”
She successfully tore her arm away from my grasp. The tough, no-nonsense Mariam was back in session as she glared at me.
“I’m not going to allow you to make me the monster in this. I’m leaving with my children and that’s final.”
“They’re my children too.”
Mariam’s hard visage fell apart, a remorseful expression softening her features.
“Please…I want nothing more than for you to be with them,” she lowered her head, “But please…just let us go…”
“Why are you doing this Mariam?” I grabbed her hands in mine, beseeching her with a thirst I’d never felt before, “Don’t punish them for what I did to you. I’m sorry for what I did. But please, don’t leave with them—”
“It’s not that. It’s…I just…I can’t tell you right now.”
“Mariam we were past this—“
“I’m sorry.” She turned to leave but I placed my hand on the roof of the car, imprisoning her.
“I’m not letting you leave.”
“You have to. For their sake.”
“I just can’t let you go!” I bellowed at her and despite the loudness of my voice Mariam kept her monotonous and low.
“You did before without problems,” she said as she put her luggage into the passenger’s seat, “Do it again.”
Annoyed that she was ignoring me and wouldn’t look at me I grabbed both her arms and spun her around to face me. This time our eyes locked and held. I saw a storm in her eyes and with it was rain, lightning, thunder and wind that showed all the chaos going on within her. I was certain my eyes mirrored the same thing.
“What do I have to do to make you stay?” I asked quietly, feeling my insides on the brink of giving up. If I could go back and change things I swear that I would.
Mariam held my gaze before nervously lowering her eyes and licking her lips just as nervously.
“Nothing…”
“No damn it!” I shook her against the car a little, “Is it something I did? Something I said?” I titled my head as far as I could so that I could look her in the eye but she continuously averted her gaze.
Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes smarted with tears, “Jaejoong…”
“No. Tell me. Please Mariam. Whatever it is, I’ll change. I’ll do whatever it takes. Just don’t take them away from me. Don’t take yourself away from me. Please. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“It’s your fans okay! Your fans are the reason that I’m leaving!” she suddenly snapped and I straightened my spine, pulling back. My hands slowly fell away from her arms.
“What?”
“You heard me. Don’t try to act like you care about the kids now only because you’re not faced with your fans. You live for them. Breath for them. You even cry for them. Even when they do something wrong you apologize for them instead of telling them what they did wrong. You know what you’re going to do if they find out? You’re going to apologize! You’ll apologize for being human. I’m not an idiot. Your fans have always come first, your career has, DBSK has, so don’t try to act like you’ve suddenly seen the light.”
Mariam had said a lot of hurtful things but thus far this was probably the most hurtful. Even more than her saying that she hated me. the reason it hurt is because I couldn’t’ decide whether her words were true or not. If I was faced with my fan’s broken hearted faces demanding to know why I had kept something like this from them, how would I react? And she was right, why did I always apologize for them? Was it fear of losing them? Was I that much of a coward? Did I love fame and adoration that much?
And had idolatry in our culture gone to this point? We literally sold our souls to our fans?
“That’s not true.” I said unconvincingly, shaking my head, “It’s not. And don’t talk about my fans that way please…”
Mariam snickered while she too shook her head, “Can’t you see? You’re doing it now and you don’t even know it!”
Just as she whipped around to the car, I grabbed a hold of her hands and did something I never thought I’d do for anyone.
“Look,” before thinking I’d dropped to my knees and looked up at Mariam pleadingly, uncaring of the snow that seeped through my jeans to freeze my knees, “I’m on my knees. Don’t take them away from me. Don’t walk away from me. Please. You want me to quit? Done. It’s done okay. Just don’t take them away from me.”
I couldn’t believe that I had just said that I would quit. That never been an option in my mind no matter what. Had I officially lost my mind?
Mariam’s tore her hands away from mine to stopper her appalled gasp. Like a dam breaking tears gushed from her eyes as she watched me in shock.
“Please.” I asked, lowering my eyes from her face to her throat, my pride in tatters.
“Stop it!”
“No.”
“Kim Jae Joong!” placing both of her hands on my shoulder and tried to shake some sense into me, “Get a hold of yourself! Do you even know what you’re doing?! Get up!” she whispered harshly and I shook my head weakly.
“If this is what will make you stay, then no.”
Mariam stared at me in shock before doing the unthinkable. Grabbing my face in her hands, she leaned down and pressed her lips hard against mine. There was nothing sweet, slow and sensuous about the kiss. It wasn’t a kiss for romance but a kiss infiltrated with all things pain.
When she finally pulled back and we were both staring at each other, her tears rained on my face and she wiped them with her thumbs, “I’m sorry Jae...” she caressed the side of my face before adding, “You know where to find me.”
Without any warning, she slid into the driver’s seat, closed the door and cranked up the engine.
Stupefied, I stared blankly ahead of me, unable to believe that she was truly going to leave after I’d gotten on my knees and begged. Snapping out of it when the tires of the cars screeched against the thick snow, I got up on rubber feet and followed the car. As hazardous as it was, I didn’t care. I began to pound on the frosted window with a fist, yelling for her to stop as I run along with the reversing car. Mariam was terrified as she handled the wheel, and before long she swerved the car in the other direction and skidded onto the glassy road before roaring off.
“Mariam! Mariam!” I started to run after the car as fast as my legs could carry me on the sleek road. I slid and nearly fell but somehow the need to get to them miraculously stopped that from happening.
My chasing the car became futile when I couldn’t match its speed and eventually had to come to a stop.
Plumes of moisture left my mouth as I caught respite, wiping Mariam's tears from my face while watching my life leave me. Is this how she had felt when I turned away from her and started walking away after I told her that we couldn’t be?
I swallowed hard, my throat frozen. My head pounded. My heart raced. My blood rushed.
I couldn’t just let them go like this. Rushing to the driver who’d been waiting for me since my arrival, I got in the car and instructed him to follow the car that had just left. She said that I knew where to find her. My next best bet would be finding her at her mother’s place. When I told the driver where to go, he made my night worsen with what he said.
“I’m sorry sir but I have to head home. I just found out my two month old is sick. I really have to go home to see her.”
I was two seconds away from telling him I didn’t give a damn about his two month old. But I imagined Jin or Hye being sick and not being able to be with them because of work. Ingesting my rage I let him take me home. He asked me if he was okay and wanted to know what had happened, but of course I wasn’t going to tell him. I wasn’t in the mood for talking. I was busy thinking about how I was about to break my one-hundred day suspension from driving by taking matters into my own hands and driving to wherever Mariam was headed.
Once we made it to the mansion I wasted not time going in and getting my car keys. My driver’s license had been evoked but that wasn’t enough to stop me from going to my children, to Mariam. The land lines throughout kept on ringing as I searched for my keys but I ignored it. My phone soon vibrated against my hip but I ignored it too. Now wasn’t the time for me to talk to anyone. I was glad to find that Soon was no longer in my household when I got there, but even if he had been there, that would be the least of my worries. Even if he forbidden me to see her I’d go anyway. Speaking of Soon, I began to wonder how he had found out about Mariam’s kids. I was a little too late on asking myself this question but would have to place it on the backburner for now.
I’d just opened the front door ready to leave the house when I saw a man ready to knock on my door. Behind him stood two men, my gate guard included. He looked panicked and apologetic. I instantly knew that he had let people in without my consent. I then put two and two together and realized that he may have been the one incessantly calling the house phone and my cell. I damned myself for being negligent.
My eyes swung to the man with the fedora hat, standing at the forefront.
“Hello. You must be Kim Jae Joong.”
I really did not have the time for this. Shifting my weight from one leg to the other in an uneven tempo with my hand on the door knob, I nodded, eying the other man before falling onto the speaker again.
“I’d like to ask you some questions. I hope you aren’t too busy.”
“As a matter of fact I am. I’m in a hurry.”
“This won’t take but a minute.”
“What is it?”
“I’m Detective Kim Yoo Jin. It’s about Park Jong Hun. He was brutally beaten in his night club several days ago. Do you happen to know anything about this?”
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The Unkindest Cut of All Comment Responses
luckylady3 -- hi luckylady thank you so much. And no there’s no pressure I enjoy writing this story so I’ll try to keep my updates frequent. Thank you so much for reading!
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emilyXx -- Hi Emily thank you so much! I appreciate your comments. Well not two weeks but this past week I have written quite a lot hehe so I will have a lot to be posting in the days to come.
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soul's cradle --Yayyyyy soul’s cradle is back! Lol. It’s okay that you’ve been busy taking the time out to still say even a sentence is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much and I hope to still see you here as the story progresses (and an update from you also lol)
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abc --Thanks abc! I’m always so nervous to post long chapters cause I tend to rant and bore people a lot. Thank you!
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miyoko004 – Miyoko004 thank you soooo much for your comment. I appreciate it so much this is the most helpful critic I’ve received in a while. To answer your question, no I don’t use a thesaurus. I swear on my life I don’t. I have just read a lot and have been writing a lot for years and these words have remained in my head. I used to back in the day when starting out like several years ago, but not anymore (after reading Stephen King’s book called On Writing I learned that I need to calm down lol.) and I think using one too much in the past has sort of worked against me cause these synonyms are imprinted in my head and just flow out naturally now. It’s second nature to me. And with the way i write/update so fast i wouldn't have time to keep referring to a thesaurus/dictionary. This is actually a more toned down version of how I usually write. But then I get what you’re saying and appreciate you for saying it because you’re not the first person that has told me that I can get a bit too much lol. In fact, being verbose and making things painfully long is my biggest flaw when it comes to writing. I’m still trying to learn to use simpler words and be more concise without feeling inadequate. But thanks so much for pointing it out though because this is the kind of criticism that I need. Now I can’t ignore what you just said cause if it messes up the flow of the story then something needs to be done and I will try my best to tone it down from here thank you! When I have time, I will go back and edit the previous chapters and try to make it better. I guess I take my writing seriously because soon I want to start shopping my stuff to an agent in hopes to get published (yeah I’m an unrealistic dreamer lol) but thank you so much hun I appreciate it I’m relieved that my sucky writing style didn’t keep you from still reading the story lol but i will learn from what you have told me.
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xColourLite -- Oh wow ColourLite I really feared that I had been doing too much by posting so many chapters but I feared I wouldn’t be able to for a considerably long time. Thank you so much and I will most definitely cut back now to one chapter a day now. Two at the most. Thank you for reading and your consistent comments they are highly appreciated.
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lalalala -- ahhh lalalala you don’t know how many times I re-read your comment lmao. As simple as it was it really made me feel good and I’m very thankful.
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just_a_fan -- Hi just_a_fan. Just wanted to say thanks for sticking throughout the story up until this point and always commenting. I REALLY REALLY appreciate it. you don’t know how much!
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Dante... Vergito – thank you! I will try my hardest to.
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Tenshi no Oni -- Lol thanks Tenshi no Ono. Hmm, all those questions you asked are pretty good questions. And the antagonist is actually one of the most exhilarating to write about lol. Evil people are always so fun/easy to write about but I have to keep my head on straight to keep me from making him too unrealistic lol. Thanks sooooo much for taking the time out to comment.
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VKJJ -- VKJJ GOODLUCK ON YOUR EXAMS! I hope this isn’t too late. But I’m sure you did/are doing well. I’m awed that you’d take the time out to read even with having school in session. I appreciate your comments whole heartedly despite them being short you really don’t know the great deal of encouragement that they fill me with. Thank you!
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Rachetto -- Hi Rachetto. Thank you for reading the many chapters. I appreciate you commenting. I am impatiently waiting for an update on Surrender lol I understand you’re waiting for a poster before adding. They need to hurry up!
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Diese Stifte -- Lmao Diese you always crack me up with your comments. I look forward to them so much. Lol your infamous supervisor has become a part of this story I swear lmao. I’m still waiting for an update for YAWYL. But you probably have a life so I understand. For now I don’t hehe which explains why I update like a maniac. Anyway thank you for sticking with me since To Be! I appreciate it!
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Titilayo -- Titilayo thank you so much for your ongoing support. I saw your comment on imeem and was really surprised and felt very grateful. Thank you so much lol I will try to refrain from updating more than two chapters at a time. I don’t want to swamp people with toooo many updates lol.
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Rin -- Thank you Rin! Oh I don’t know if I had told you but I had posted a preview for the Changmin story you’d requested me to do. I wont write to it until I’m completely done with this story but I just put it out there after watching how good he looked on the Star Show lmao. Thank you so much for reading!
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kmd -- Ahhh kmd! Lol I’m soooo happy to see you commenting as I always say. Thank you so much for the support!
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paula -- Hello Miss talented Paula. Ahh thanks your comments mean so much coming from someone as talented as you. Thank you! I can’t wait for your next update.
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liberationgodes --Thank you I’m very glad that you are still here and reading. Thank you!
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. -- Oh wow thank you so much. I always feel warm hearted when silent readers come out and say something it makes me feel like the hard work has paid off. Thank you so much!
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prinnè -- prinne don’t say that! I’ve started reading your story Unsought Anamnesis and it is amazing. I’ll give a full review when I am completely through with it. Thank you for reading so much I appreciate it. And yes that quote about friends over boys is true. I’ve dealt with it personally too lol.
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kiisachan -Thank you so much kiisachan. I appreciate you reading. And I will be updating pretty frequently because I have the next three chapters written down already.
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And this is to everyone. I’m very sorry for updating too fast. The real reason is, after June the 30th, I’ll be starting the second half of five week summer school and might take as many as two classes (and summer school has A LOT of work I’m sure most of you know). And I might get a second job to help pay for school. I won’t be able to write as much, and whenever I’m in school, I can’t write at all because if I do, I wont be able to focus on school. I’m a writing junkie and can get pretty obsessive with it to the point where I ignore all else around me lol. That’s why I’m also trying to use up the passion to write this story before it’s all completely gone.
Once again, I thank you all for your comments/criticism/reading. I had never in my life written so many chapters so quickly (which, now that I look back on it, might have been a bad idea. I guess nothing rushes is really that good but you all were supportive anyway)which is why I thank you all for keeping on to encourage me even when I was starting to get nervous about the story lol. Okay I know I had said this story was meant to be happier than To Be or Not To Be but it seems to be taking a course of its own lol. Thank you all so very much for giving me encouragement and inspiring me. It’s all love and hope you enjoy the new update!I truly hope that I have not/will not lose readers for doing something wrong or getting boring lol.