| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Mariam
For the remainder of the evening I lived like an outcast. I had begun helping my mother cook for tomorrow’s celebration of Christmas until Jaejoong had joined in with his expertise on cooking. Needless to say my mother was more than impressed and I left because I couldn’t stand to be in the same kitchen with him. Not when I still remembered the forlorn darkness in his eyes when he’d dropped to his knees and begged me to stay. Not when I couldn’t tell him why I was leaving under the threats from someone he loved and admired.
I simply couldn’t stand being beside him also because I wasn’t used to him being around and not being on the edge. I remember how I couldn’t even sleep beside him during those rare moments when we’d been able to spend a night together. I almost always woke up alone and angered that he was no longer there.
Now he was back and living amongst us regular people like all was fine. We hadn’t told the kids just yet because we hadn’t discussed the issues yet. I knew I was being a tad irrational and very unfair but I just couldn’t help it. I knew that Jaejoong too had a right to be mad at me but he showed no signs of that, which made it even harder to face him.
I was also so ashamed because I started to feel the way I felt with my big highschool crush.
Ever since the kiss he’d given me that day I couldn’t stop my mind from entertaining many thoughts. Whenever I was close enough to smell his heady scent, an indescribable rush would go through my veins. Anytime I heard that uniquely husky voice of his my skin would tremble with a delight that shamed me. Anytime he laughed, an unstoppable warmth would permeate my insides. And anytime we accidentally brushed against each other my mind would be in disarray like scattered autumn leaves, my heart would beat wildly and all my senses would whir to life.
I avoided him at all costs because of this.
Later that night a couple of my cousins had come to visit upon hearing that the Kim Jae Joong was at my mother’s home. They were star struck but kind enough upon my mother’s begs that they wouldn’t spread the word too far. I was a bit glad that my mother lived out in the country because even if they had fan girls here, they were a bit more mellow than the ones out in the city.
Helplessly I’d admired the way he handled the overwhelming attention. All the more reason for me to fall harder for him. He didn’t act bothered by the trillion questions neither did he show the exhaustion that I was sure he felt. He answered everyone kindly and even joked—never having to change who he really was. I found myself realizing why this man had so many ladies swooning over him, hoping to be the one and only that he would fall in love with. Before he was a great singer and a spellbinding entertainer, Jaejoong was a good person. And I think being a good person is why he had come as far as he had.
And all of a sudden I wondered if I was truly worthy of being the one for him when there were so many other deserving girls who basically put a halt to their lives just to show him and his band-mates appreciation. Then I corrected myself by reminding myself that I wasn’t the one for him. Not like I had once thought.
Then I began to feel something really strange towards all the attention Jaejoong got and gave. I started to feel envy. I felt that maybe it was the envy that I should have been more actively supportive of him like a fan was, the way my cousins were being, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me. I also felt that maybe he would have given me the undivided attention he gave his fans. Realizing that I was being very silly, I’d worn two winter jackets and sat at the backyard that was shielded by wide panes of glass. The porch swing I occupied had been built in by my uncle. It had to be my favorite thing about my mother’s house. Unlike the front porch, the backyard was shielded by wide panes of glass and a wooden fence that protected us from the cold. An electrical heater beside my feet was also what helped keep me warm.
This night in particular was snowy. And it was beautiful. It looked like crystals were being sprinkled from the sky.
“Hey.” I turned around to find Jaejoong walking out of the kitchen’s back door carrying two steaming mugs. My heart began to race.
“You didn’t have to go through all that trouble.” I said hurriedly after nervously licking my lips.
“It wasn’t trouble.” He said innocently, completely unaware of my discomfort.
“No, I was saying that because I was just going back in.” I murmured edgily as I stood up. My knees felt weak and rubbery.
Jaejoong’s steps slowed and his smile dropped.
“Oh. Well, it’s okay. I guess that’s two for me.” he murmured with an uneasy smile. When he brushed passed me to sit on the porch swing, electrical energy zapped through me. I remembered my mother’s words. Jaejoong wasn’t going to leave any time soon, especially with his ardency to be around the kids. I wasn’t making things easy by not at least trying to be civil around him. Also I could remember how he had told me when DBSK first started, he’d feel bad because nobody talked to him but that’s only because he didn’t smile. And his reason for not smiling was because he thought he had an unattractive smile. Against my own will, I smiled to myself. He was surely something else.
Cursing myself, I walked back to the porch swing, trying not to be unnerved at Jaejoong’s watchful eyes as I sat.
He then handed me one of the mugs which he’d placed on the floor. Smiling stiffly, I thanked him as I took the mug from him.
When I sipped from it, I smiled at the comforting warmth that went through me.
“Thanks. This is delicious.” I said, keeping my eyes averted as I held the mug on my lap.
“It is? Thanks. I spiked it with alcohol.”
I cut my eyes at him to find him smirking, “Gotcha.”
I had to bite on my lip to keep me from smiling. Jaejoong’s eyes darted to my lips as he habitually licked the corner of his own, unknowingly making me hot and bothered.
“You don’t have to hide it.” he said suddenly, taking his sweet time to bring his eyes to my face.
“Hide what?”
“Your smile. Beautiful things shouldn’t be hid.”
This time I turned my head away because squelching a smile was unsuccessful. Then my smile weathered away, leaving room for a guilty frown.
“You probably hate me right now right?” I asked self-cautiously.
“What makes you ask?”
“Me not telling you. Me leaving.”
“At some point, I nearly did, but I don’t think that I could ever truly hate you. I felt more hurt than I did hatred.”
“I would much rather you hate me…”
“Sorry. That’s not my style.”
I felt terrible. Jaejoong didn’t have a spiteful bone in his body. That’s why I even heard the staff loved him the most amongst all the other members. He was simply such a nice guy. I breathed shakily at remembering how much he had begged and how I’d turned the other cheek.
“I’m very sorry for what I did. For lying. For leaving. It wasn’t fair to you, and I apologize.”
Stunned silence followed. My pride was usually soared so high it touched the sky. He was probably not used to hearing me apologize.
I heard him sigh heavily, “I guess if I asked why you left you still wouldn’t tell me.”
“I know that what I did was…harsh. Especially with you finding out that same day. I know that it’s a very shocking thing for you. Especially when the career that you’re in makes it such a big deal.”
“Is that why you didn’t tell me?”
I looked up at him, “No. I already told you why I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t reach you.”
“But you said that even if you could, you still wouldn’t have told me.”
I turned away from him, “I’m going to be brutally honest with you. And the truth might hurt. Please forgive me for what I’m about to say.”
“What is it?”
I hesitated for a long time before finally telling him.
“Sometimes I hate DBSK. Sometimes I just hate your job. But most of all, there are times when I really hate your fans. But not in the way that you think.”
Jaejoong remained silent. I continued to look at my beverage, forging on now that I had begun to tell him the truth.
“I don’t mean to disrespect you, or them. But you’re right, even if I knew where you were and how to contact you, I wouldn’t have because of your fans,” I paused for a while before continuing, “I hate them because they took you away from me. And I hate them because…in some strange way, they understand where I’m coming from.”
I felt his eyes on me then.
“Some of them love you, but know you don’t love them the same way. And they feel insane for being hurt because they know they shouldn’t expect that from you, but they do nonetheless. Most of them want you, and even if you’re there, they can’t have you. Some of them hate themselves and think that something is wrong with them because of how much they adore you, someone who doesn’t know that they exist, and hate themselves further because they can’t help it. Some of them can’t stand to see you with somebody else because when you say that you love them, they think that you mean it, and feel hurt and betrayed when you infuse your love into someone other than them. It sounds crazy, but you have fans like that. And I feel the same way that those types of fans feel,” I laughed bitterly, “It’s almost like you’re really in a relationship with them. When we were together, I felt like you were having an affair with them. The same way if they found out that you were involved with someone, they’d feel like you were having an affair.”
After a while I lifted my head to silently watch the snow drift the same way Jaejoong was doing.
“It’s strange. Sometimes, most times actually, I did feel guilty for being with you.” Jaejoong confessed.
“I know.”
“But why is it like this? Why can’t it be easier?”
Watching the snow, I smiled sadly, “Because you can’t have it all. You want a personal life, yet you put yourselves out there just so these girls can love you more. You make yourselves seem available and make these girls think that they have a chance, yet you want to be left alone do date whomever you please—someone who would often make the girls feel inferior. Another star. Someone on your level, yet someone that your fans can’t relate to. It’s sad but it’s a lose, lose situation. It’s either this or that, you can’t have both…”
Jaejoong was pensively quiet before speaking.
“There has to be a compromise that can be made though,” Jaejoong said desperately, “Why do I feel guilty, like some traitor towards people that I don’t really know?”
“Because you love them Jaejoong,” he looked at me and I looked right back, “And that worries me. There has to be a line that should be drawn. You’re not drawing that line.”
“Because I don’t want them to think that we’re ungrateful.” He said morosely.
“But at what cost? In the end both of you lose. They spend their lives circulating around you guys and even forget about reality while you, you go through all lengths to make them happy and forget about your own happiness.”
“They’re my happiness.”
“Happiness is a temporary thing. For how long will they be? You need to find happiness within yourself so that you’re not so dependent on them. That’s why you’re too afraid to live your own life Jae. You’re at that dangerous point where you feel like you need your fans, where you need that adoration, that attention.
“You’re growing along with your fans. Someday, all this will be over. And by that I don’t mean your career, but I mean living for others. Someday your obsessive fans will have to wake up and smell the coffee and just live their lives. Someday, you’re going to want to get outside of the box that you’ve been placed in and just live for yourself and not for them.”
Jaejoong sighed with dejection as he turned away from me. I knew he didn’t like hearing this; the truth.
“But please don’t get me wrong,” I laughed lightly, turning away while tucking hair behind my ear with shaky fingers, “Oh goodness. I’m such a sadist. It’s not all as bad as I’m making it seem though. The connection you have with them is special. Enjoy these years while you have them. After all, they were given to you for a reason right? Many people would love to be in your position. I guess, I would be reluctant to let go of that feeling. But I don’t really know what it feels like.”
“What feeling?”
“Being wanted. I presume it’s addictive. Everyone wants to be wanted. To be loved...”
Bitterness crept into my eyes and I swallowed at the knot congesting my throat.
“Then let me do that for you.”
At his words, I froze as I looked at Jaejoong. He looked so serious, so earnest.
“You should know what it feels like though,” he continued, “Someone wants you, and that person is me. I want you. And I want to love you. But you won’t let me.”
I swallowed with difficultly as I stared at my mug, clinging onto it, “I’m not comfortable talking about this.
“Well, we’re have to talk about it someday. So you better start preparing yourself.” Jaejoong murmured.
“The decision has been made. I don’t want to be with you ever again.” I said with a touch of asperity that made hints of hurt spring up on Jaejoong’s face. I nearly took back my words but coached myself not to.
Jaejoong lowered his head to his mug, “I won’t accept that.”
His words had me stupefied.
“You can’t be that inconsiderate.” I said. Despite the tasty drink that I savored, my mouth was arid as the desert. Why was he making me so nervous?
“I’m not being inconsiderate,” he sipped on his drink casually, “I’m just being honest.”
I wanted to knock him upside his head.
“Why won’t you just give it up already?”
“If I had accepted the way that my life was when I was homeless, I wouldn’t have been able to get the things that I wanted,” he looked at me, “If I accept that everything that we have is over, I won’t be able to get you back.”
The way he said it so factually made me so infuriated I just wanted to beat him down. After giving him death glares that didn’t really work, Jaejoong simply sipped from his drink like an old sage that had absolutely no quarrels with the world.
“But don’t worry. I won’t pressure you. I’ll keep waiting. You’ll come around.” He said confidently.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because we’re meant to be,” he said with a certainty that galled me, “It’ll happen. Some day.”
Jaejoong’s words had my nerves on the edge. I thought I was having a seizure from how I trembled. Suddenly I was too aware of his closeness and scooted further to the edge of the porch swing. I heard Jaejoong chuckle softly to himself and found him smiling knowingly while staring ahead and sipping from his drink.
“I nearly forgot how freaking annoying you can be.” I said, mad at him for making me actually feel things.
“It takes one to know one.”
“Shut up.”
We both fell into silence, me looking at him while he stared at the snow. This was killing me. I just wanted to touch his smooth face, kiss him, tell him that we would be okay.
“You have to understand that having you around will take some getting used to.”
“It feels weird doesn’t it? We used to grasp for time and now that we have it, we don’t know what to do with it.”
“Well, we’re not the same people that we once were.”
“Right. In that case,” Jaejoong suddenly held out a hand to me, “I want to get to know you again.”
I stared at Jaejoong’s hand dumbly, not really knowing what he wanted me to do with it. what I did do was admire the network of veins that run up his arm, giving him a strong quality.
“My name is Kim Jae Joong, and you are?”
My eyes raised to his face and lowered before I rolled them and turned away.
“I am going to start ignoring you right now.”
“That’s an awfully long name. How about I give you a shorter one?”
The inkling to smile got stronger and stronger. “You are so silly....”
“Mimi? Is that what you said?”
“No. I said—“
“Okay Mimi, nice to meet you,” he caught a hold of my hand and began examining it, “I have to say, you have the most beautiful hands that I’ve ever seen.”
I snatched my hand away when shivers went down my spine at his touch, “You have the lamest pick up lines that I’ve ever heard.”
“Guess we’re a match made in heaven. We have the most somethings that we’ve ever seen or heard from each other. Isn’t that something?”
“You’re a weirdo…”
“And you love it.”
He was right. I did. And that’s why it hurt so much.
“Well? Hurry. My hand is getting tired.”
I looked at his inviting hand, then his darkly shimmering eyes. Biting my lip nervously, I lifted my hand slowly, hesitating when it was a few inches away from his.
“This means that we can only be friends Jaejoong.”
“I understand that.”
“Meaning no references to love or anything remotely romantic. No references to anything sexual or affectionate,” I paused before adding, “No kissing and no touching.”
Jaejoong’s features scrunched up and he looked at me as if I was insane.
“What? What kind of monster are you?” he asked theatrically and I somehow managed not to laugh.
“I’m serious Jae…”
“You’re so inhumane. That’s like asking me not to breath!”
“No. That’s asking you to respect me.”
“Well then you’re taking respect a little too far.”
“Then I’m sorry. I can’t shake your hand—“
“Okay,okay. Fine.”
“I want you to swear it. Repeat everything that I had just said and swear it.”
“What?”
“Say, I, Kim Jae Joong, swear not to make any references to love, or anything remotely romantic.”
“You’re really serious about this.” He murmured in disbelief.
When I showed on my face that I was, he laughed but repeated after me regardless.
“No references to anything sexual or affectionate.” I coached.
“I Kim Jae Joong, swear not to make any sexual or affectionate references.” He said.
“No kissing and no touching.”
Jaejoong’s eyes faltered as his tongue darted out to the corner of his lips. I nearly melted in a helpless pool of bliss at the sight but managed to keep myself strong. He sighed before swearing no kissing or touching without any heart.
Once again I lifted my hand to put it in Jaejoong’s but hesitated because I acted all sorts of crazy when he touched me. Jaejoong killed my fears for me when he quickly closed the distance by shifting forward and clasping my hand in his warmth. His warmth transported from his hand to mine further to the rest of my body. I felt like a flower that had just blossomed.
Then before I knew it he yanked on my hand, making me jerk forward and before I knew it my lips had been sealed with his. All the guards that protected my senses suddenly surrendered, making me resort to paralysis. As though fearful that I would get away even though I currently couldn’t, Jaejoong cupped my face before coasting his tongue over my lips. Gasping, I caused an onslaught that mistakenly invited his tongue into the hot cavern of my mouth. What was left of my common sense reached up to his chest but when I made to push I only felt the solidity of his masculinity. Before long my fingers were cinching to his sweater, drawing him close. As Jaejoong’s finger slid through the silk tresses of my hair he pulled me even closer when I thought that wasn’t possible, thus showering me with unmitigated bliss.
For those few seconds I’d forgotten about all the pain we’d been through. I forgot about all the people who threatened to keep us apart.
All I could think to myself was, had I been lucky enough to find the one? Was he the one? Or was I just foolishly plunging myself into that hole of despair that had caused my heart to break?
Those thoughts are what made me pull back from him, “No! Stop! Please!”
Jaejoong slowly pulled back from me and I saw the alarm on his face at the fear on mine.
I was literally afraid.
“Did I hurt you?” Jaejoong asked, his eyes roving over me in concern.
“Yes…” I whispered as tears rushed to my eyes, “And I won’t it happen again Jae…”
Jaejoong’s features fell as he pulled back with a heavy, guilty frown on his glistening pouty lips. He knew what I meant. He hadn’t hurt me physically but emotionally. The gaping emotional wound was still fresh. I understood that things wouldn’t get back to the way they were in one day. We had to take it one day at a time, but even then, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go down that road again.
“I’m sorry.”
The mood that had once been playful had turned sour. It’s a shame that things couldn’t be how they used to be. Turning away from him, I brushed my lap reservedly.
“You know, that kiss was a severe breach of contract…” I murmured in an attempt to lighten up the mood. Jaejoong raised his eyes uneasily. I smiled the faintest of smiles at him to let him know that it was okay and that the only way we could move forward was by trying to soldier on despite the obstacles—like the one that had just passed.
Jaejoong returned my smile with a smirk as he rubbed his bottom lip, “Well, you know what they say. Rules are made to be broken.”
“Okay then,” being as quick as I could I slapped Jaejoong across the face. Not hard, but enough to make a slight clapping sound and a faint stinging pain.
“Every time you kiss me. You’ll get smacked.” I said with playful austerity as I stood up.
“What the hell?” Jaejoong blinked surprisingly at me as he rubbed his cheek, “That wasn’t even in the rules! And you're going to have to stop slapping me around. I really hate it when you do that.”
“Well,” I held my head regally high while folding my arms, “Like someone once said, rules are made to be broken aren't they?”
“Oh yeah?” Jaejoong stood up and stepped closer, craning his neck so that his smirk was only a breath away from my tilted head, “Yeah well, I’d risk a slap to get a taste of those sweet lips of yours.”
Before Jaejoong even finished what he was saying he was talking to air for I dashed to the kitchen door like the hounds of hell were chasing me.
I heard his laughter just as I stopped by the kitchen door. Then I turned to find him facing forward and shaking his head while drinking from his mug.
It was then as I looked at him that I noticed a distant pain in his eyes of unspoken truths that he had yet to tell. I then remembered him sitting outside of Dae’s house in the cold. He had mentioned something about things not being what they seemed. That comment had been in the back of my head, nagging me to no end what he was talking about.
But I knew he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Usually he came to me when he was ready.
I would wait for him.
“Jaejoong?” I found myself saying before I could stop myself.
He looked over his shoulder at me, his wide eyes reflecting the firelight of the lantern hanging by the door.
I never knew that looking at another human being could make you feel an emotion that has no name.
“Thanks for really coming back. The kids need you.” I really need you too, I wanted to add, but was too afraid to. It was obvious that he hadn’t come back for me but for them. Which was okay, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Just as Jaejoong’s eyes widened in surprise I continued on into the house, all the while trying to tame the insane beating of my heart.
Each pulse ached for him.