The Unkindest Cut of All (Completed)

by Pseudonym

Chapter 20

I gave it some deep thought, and it’s not that I want to stretch this story out but I kind of want to do it the justice that I know it is capable of. I may rewrite it or write a sequel to that four year period in Jaejoong’s life where Mariam and the kids weren’t there…or even write a bit before he ever met Mariam. This is more than just a love story to me and it’s about life and choices. Jaejoong is a character I enjoy exploring and I personally feel like I haven’t done him any justice with this story because we sort of jumped right into it. On account of him and Mariam’s relationship I think I could’ve made it grow better, even with the sequel. So one day when I have time I will rewrite this story and make the plot a bit better than what it is.

Anyway thanks again everyone. You all came at a very critical time in my writing life. I was losing all hope in my passion, thinking that I’m in love at something I’m not good at. I may still be bad at it, but you all give me the courage to keep doing it because I love it.

Thanks again very, very much!

-Cj

p.s.- i can't do personal responses cause i'm running late on a doctor's appointment lol. also, i know people want to see more of jaejoong and the kids. i'll try to put that in a bit more later. i really tried to put the kids in this but had a hard time and i'm still kind of all about mariam and jae lmao sorry! i'll do a better job next time.

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Chapter 20

Jaejoong

As tired as I was, sleeping late was the only thing that would’ve made sense in my life the next morning. But the next morning wasn’t just any morning. It was Christmas morning and I had many lost Christmases to catch up on with this rare one.

I’d woken up early but not enough to beat Mariam’s mother. Had I been in a deep sleep the heavy aroma from what she cooked would have brought me to the kitchen either way.

For someone who had once despised the floor I walked on, she’d come to like me pretty fast. It was almost unimaginable to think that she’d once hated me. While I helped her make breakfast, I learned that she hadn’t truly ever hated me. She had just hated what the situation did to Mariam. Since she was her only daughter, it made sense how overprotective she was about her.

She did let me know that she didn’t like how I’d left Mariam. I wasn’t sure that was something I’d ever be forgiven for. She even posed a question to me that I hadn’t really thought of. Would I have been so open to take Mariam back had she done the same thing to me? The answer was quick. No. Simply because I knew I’d have other things that I viewed more imperative to worry about. Things like my career. I’d use it to hide behind the pain.

But Mariam had nothing, I reasoned, and I wondered if that’s why the grudge that she held wasn’t a strong one. It made me a bit skeptical too. In fact I wasn’t surprised with how hostile she’d been to me when I’d first came. I’d expected her to breath fire when she spoke and that’s exactly what she did.

In my mind I thought it would take decades to melt the ice that was her heart but it seemed to be happening quicker. Not to say that I wasn’t relieved. I was. It would make things so much easier.

I guess I felt I deserved to be punished a lot more.

Then the thought that maybe she was only so forgiving was because of having not told me about the kids.

When the kids awoke the silence that had once filled the house was long gone. They were especially ecstatic to find wrapped gifts strewn beneath the large Christmas tree.

“Jaejoong hyung!” they both chirped as they run smack dab into my legs, clinging onto them before trying to claw up into my arms. Laughing, I hunkered down to meet them at eye level and wrap an arm around each of their torsos.

Quietly, Mariam appeared from the hallway with a humble smile as she watched the gleeful kids. When she raised our eyes and they met, they locked. An inexplicable feeling went through me.

Blushing profusely, Mariam looked away and advanced further into the room. The white turtleneck that she wore made her glow. I wondered if she glowed like this when she was carrying the twins. Again I was dejected by the bitterness of not being there for her when the pregnancy had happened.

As Mariam quietly took a seat at the far corner of the couch the children demanded my attention. Jin was already trying to tear through the gifts without even checking whether any were for him or not. Hye wouldn’t let go of me and since I wanted to specifically hand out the gifts to them at close range, I sat down cross-legged on the floor next to the gifts with Hye seated on top of my legs.

I handed out the designated gifts to the kids from me, Mariam, her mother and relatives, including the ones sent from Yunho. I told them that he was their uncle when they asked who he was. To my surprise, he’d kept his promise and sent the gifts via mail that had arrived only a day ago. A short letter was included, him saying that he still wanted to pry my head off because he was still surprised, but also adding that he wanted me to make him proud by being a good father. I was floored, and so was Mariam. She didn’t even know that they knew she existed, much less had a child. Her sudden panic asking if they all knew was kind of odd to me. She’d been really indifferent to the entire idea, but when I told her that Yunho was trustworthy enough for me to trust him with my life, she’d calmed down a bit.

She still let it be known that she didn’t like that he knew where I was. I wondered why. Something had happened to her.

Something that she wasn’t telling me.

Mariam had given me a framed picture of the kids when they were born as a gift. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Even though I never gave her anything in return, not once did she voice a complaint or show it through her actions.

She wasn’t expecting anything from me.

Even though I loved my fans, they always expected something from me. A show. An interview. Telling them what they wanted to hear.

Me.

But Mariam never asked me for anything.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“What do you guys say when you get gifts?” Mariam asked the excited kids.

“Thank you,” they sang in a chorus, looking so cute as they did that I ruffled Jin’s head and kissed Hye’s.

“I think we should tell them now,” she suggested suddenly, making me look up at her questionably. We’d discussed this before. We hadn’t really set a date to tell the kids but I guess now was the time.

“Okay kids, I have something to tell you,” I announced, rounding Jin up with his new action figure to sit on the other side of my lap while Hye occupied the other.

“What?” they asked in unison. I glanced up at Mariam one last time, who gave me an encouraging nod.

“I’m your father.”

For several moments the kids continuously fingered their dolls, but their expressions showed how confused they were.

“Guys,” Mariam sighed and crawled onto the carpet to sit on the back of her legs beside the kids, gently lowering their toys, “It’s rude to keep playing when someone is talking to you. Did you just hear what he said?”

“He said he’s our father,” Hye echoed.

“Are you really our father?” Jin asked woefully. It seemed like he’d wanted one for so long it was too unbelievable to finally have one.

“Yes,” I run my hand over the smooth globe of his head, “I’m your father.”

“Really?” Hye finally raised her head to me.

“Yes. Really.”

“I have a father now?” Hye asked with a smile that made my heart melt.

“Yes.” I said with a nod.

“Yay!” she squealed, reaching up to wrap her short arms around my neck. I underestimated the girl’s strength because my air circulation was nearly cut off. Laughing, I hugged her back, filled with immense joy. It was then that I noticed Jin was quite the quiet party. As Hye released me from her breath restricting hug and sat with her side snuggled against my chest, I looked at my son wondering what had him so quiet, only to find his large eyes glistening and his full bottom lip quivering. I was alarmed.

“Jin?! What’s wrong?” I asked with the same concern that I saw and felt from Mariam.

The question sent a waterfall rushing from Jin’s eyes as he bawled. Both baffled, Mariam and I tended to him, trying to find out why he seemed so heartbroken more than overjoyed.

“Does this mean that the other kids wont make fun of me anymore?” he asked after his cries reduced to dry, rakish sobs.

“No one will ever hurt you again.” I promised fervently as I wiped his tears. Mariam rubbed his back consolingly.

“And does this mean that we can make snow men all the time now?”

At that moment I felt Mariam’s discomfort when Jin used the phrase, ‘all the time’. I felt a slither of discomfort too, but didn’t let that deter me from making my promises.

“I promise that I’ll always be there for you okay? I’ll never leave you guys. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry for not being there before, but I want you all to know that I will always be there for you no matter what. Okay?”

I felt her eyes on me when I told them that, and I dared not look at her. I had promised her the same thing once upon a time. And I hadn’t kept my promise. I understood if she hated me at the moment. But I vowed that my actions would speak louder than my words this go around.

As the children agreed joyously, Mariam suddenly excused herself from us.

“Aw Umma, don’t you want to stay? It’s Christmas. You shouldn’t work. We’re about to go make snowmen,” Jin decided on his own account and I looked at him like he was crazy. No one had even discussed going to make snow men. I shook my head at the boy’s audacity. He reminded me too much of myself.

Smiling gently, Mariam kissed her son and daughter’s cheeks before standing up, “I’d love to but Umma has some phone calls to make.”

“To who?” I blurted out before I could stop myself, making Mariam’s shocked gaze swing to me.

“Sorry,” I apologized before anything could be said. “The kids and I will just play a bit and let you alone to your work.”

She eyed me suspiciously before murmuring an affectionless thank you and disappearing into the hallway.

Hours into having the time of my life with my children, I realized that Mariam hadn’t been a part of it. Excusing myself from everyone else, I went in pursuit of her. Ten minutes into my search I found her in the attic, curled up in a long couch in front of the delta window—the highest window of the house. It overlooked the forest trees in the distance. The trees were reedy and thin from winter’s monstrosity. But even in their faintness they managed to look beautiful especially with the bounds of snow falling around them. The snow seemed comforting as it drifted sluggishly, like they wanted to enjoy their float in the air before reaching the lifeless ground.

For some reason that made me think of my relationship with Mariam when we had been together. We’d been like the snow, striving, hoping, and praying for those spare moments in the air before we reached the ground that was our downfall, where we eventually melted into nothingness.

“Mariam?”

She jumped at the sound of her name and took a while before turning around to look at me over her shoulder. In a quick instant I realized that she’d been crying from the way her wet eyelashes glinted in the night. My insides twisted and turned.

“Jaejoong. Hi.”

I chewed on my tongue ponderously, wondering if I should take issue with her tears. I knew that she wouldn’t tell me what the problem was. Knowing that she wouldn’t tell me, I gave it a shot anyway.

“Are you crying?”

“I’m just really sleepy and my eyes are tearing up.” She explained, knowing that was a ball faced lie. I wondered if lying was something I had to get used to from Mariam now.

Knowing that there wasn’t really anything that I could say, I went to sit beside her. Mariam was openly uncomfortable with me being there. Alone. With her.

So I sat at the opposite end of the couch.

Quietly, we watched the snow fall like we’d done the previous afternoon. A smile tickled my lips at remembering the feel of her lips on mine. Then my lips took a downturn into a frown when I remembered how frantically she’d begged me to stop.

“Ah, this is so nice,” I remarked while stretching my tired arms. It had been a long day.

“Yes it is. I don’t think the kids have had this much fun during Christmas before,” she assented with a soft smile.

“Who was that that you called?” I found myself asking again and felt her cut her eyes at me.

“You really think you have a right to ask me that.”

“Yeah, considering the fact that you’ll be my wife someday. I’d like to believe I do have a right.”

“Will you come off of this wife stuff? It’s not going to happen.”

“Yes it is. And you know why it’s going to happen? Because that’s my Christmas gift to you.”

Mariam stared at me blankly for a while before shaking her head, “I don’t even know why I try to understand you. You’re not normal. You’re not human either. No wonder your face looks so…perfect.”

“You can’t return someone’s Christmas gift. That is, unless they give you the receipt and you go back to the store and return it. But what I’m about to give you doesn’t have a receipt. I lost it four years ago.”

Mariam sighed sharply, “Jaejoong, what are you talking about—“

Mariam cut herself off when I held it up to her. The ring was what I held up. In the tenebrous room it was effulgent. It gleamed like a crystal ball amidst a sea of dull stones. Her face paled before me as I held it out to her. Though she was at the far end of the couch, I knew that she could reach over and take it. But she didn’t. She sat motionlessly.

“So, I was going to ask you to marry me on the same day that I found out what Lee Soon Yong did. But I guess you could say I got cold feet and that I wasn’t being realistic. I’m not asking you to marry me now, but all I’m asking you to do is to take this ring, and tell me yes when you’re ready. Because I know I am.”

Mariam’s mouth fell open, but no words came out. I laughed softly to myself as I reached into the same pocket where I’d gotten the ring from and took out a silver chain that matched the ring’s band.

“I knew that you weren’t going to accept wearing it on your finger. So I got this necklace from a boutique nearby the same day that I came here,” I slid the ring onto the necklace and held it up with me as I stood up and rounded the couch to stand beside her.

Mariam didn’t move a muscle as I wound it around her neck and clasped it over the thicket of her hair. I lifted the heavy strands to let the necklace sit against her skin.

She was still suffering temporary paralysis when I reclaimed my seat across from her. This time I spoke as I watched the snow. “I don’t expect you to wear it any time soon. And even if you don’t ever wear it on your finger, I just want you to have it.”

We fell into another span of quietude before Mariam suddenly broke it with a clear of her throat.

“Thank you Jaejoong, I don’t know what to say.” She said, her voice husky.

“Say yes,” I said jokingly and she looked at me like she was about to bolt as though being caught with fingering it was a crime. Her hand fell away from it like it was hot and I laughed. “I’m just messing with you,” I looked towards the snow again, “You don’t have to say anything.”

Another long silence fogged over us again. Just as I was about to get up and leave, Mariam broke the tension-filled silence.

“So, tell me, what is it like?”She asked.

“What’s what like?”

“Sitting here. Not being in a rush. Not being on the go.”

I gave the question some thorough thought.

“Normally it would feel strange. Like if I was alone. But it feels perfect,” I turned to her, “Mostly because of the person I’m sitting beside.”

I was such a sap, and I even cringed after I said the mushy words. But that’s truly how I felt.

Mariam shifted uneasily, her eyes averted, “It does feel weird. But it feels nice.”

Her admitting surprised me. “Does it?”

She pursed her lips as she nodded slowly. “I hate to admit it but there’s something about being around you that makes me happy, despite the fact that I really dislike you. I guess that explains how I’d gotten into a mess with you the first time.”

A smile fleeted my lips and I got bold. Shifting sitting positions, I rolled supinely onto my back with my hands knitted behind my head, reposing on her lap. Before Mariam could take issue with that, I asked while looking up at her disturbed expression, “You really dislike me?”

She looked like she was about to smack me off of her before surprising by remaining seated stiffly.

“Very much,” she said remorselessly, her hand acting on its own accord by reaching up and brushing through my hair. My heart leaped in joy and anticipation.

“But you’re a cool person I guess,” she continued, roving over my face and hair.

“Really?” I asked, feeling warm inside.

“Then in that case, stay beside me.” I suggested, staring so deeply into her eyes that they faltered nervously. I wanted to add ‘forever’ to my plea but wasn’t idiotic enough to. I would feel weird and unrealistic saying it. But I thought it. And I felt it.

She worked her mouth to say something but the words never made it out.

“Come on,” I urged gently before chuckling softly. “I wont bite.”

It was several moments before Mariam slowly began to move. Her movements made me lift my head and scoot to the edge nearest the couch’s back to give her as much space as possible.

Her body slow with uncertainty, Mariam began to lay beside me before I added out of spite, “Now I wont bite, unless you want me to.”

Mariam’s actions came to a stop before she started to jerkily move away. Too quick for her, my hand jutted out and wrapped around her waist as I laughed. “Wait, I’m just kidding.”

She continuously looked at me with distrust, levering herself on one elbow. The posture had some dark locks of hair falling attractively over her face. I wanted nothing than to get my fingers tangled in them while reeling her in for a kiss.

“Come on Mimi,” I goaded softly, “You know you can trust me.”

Keeping her eyes on my throat, Mariam stared for a long while before doing the unthinkable by fully laying on the couch alongside me. Scooting a bit closer, her eyes finally fluttered shut. Despite her being close, she made sure there was a thin slit of distance between us, her hands tucked beneath her small chin.

I smiled at the look on her face. She looked so adorable and cute. Her eyes were closed but she wasn’t asleep. She knew that I was looking at her and the proof came with the ruddy color that suffused her cheeks.

It was no surprise that her body was tense against mine, which is why I held on tighter.

I never thought that I’d be able to sleep with her in my arms again.

I guess dreams do come true.

But what I knew of dreams was that they never lasted too long.

“Jaejoong.” She suddenly called out to me.

“Yes?”

“Sing to me.”

And I did without hesitation as I sifted my fingers through her hair. I felt a bit silly but good. Touching her was just a reminder that all of this was real. As I roved over her features I wondered for the millionth time how I walked away. Was the love from fans that pervasive?

Then without preamble, I stopped singing and swooped down to align my lips with hers softly. She tasted sweet and tangy from the strawberry wine I’d seen her drink earlier. Mariam stiffened at first, as did I, waiting for a slap. But she surprised me when she relaxed and remained still. Unable to help myself, I cradled her face in my hands and nibbled her lips meagerly but meaningfully. I sighed and moaned under my breath at the feel and taste of her, ever-so-lightly running my tongue around the curves of her lips before gently easing inside.

Heat radiated between our bodies. I was suddenly filled with a want so overbearing I thought I’d burst at any moment. If I had the guts I’d have told her to let me give her another baby then and there but fortunately still had my wits. What was the most surprising of all was when Mariam’s fingers lightly circled my neck, her thumb rubbing my throat in an affectionate manner that had drove me insane once and drove me insane still.

Before I knew what was happening I’d rolled her onto her back with me on top of her. One hand now held onto the arm of the chair to keep me balanced while the other speared through her lustrous silk tresses. A gentle moan that rocked my world shuttled from Mariam’s throat as I plunged deeper.

When her hands finally pushed at my shoulders, making us separate with a loud suckling sound, I tried not to show my disappointment. It was hard not to keep my hands on the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

I looked down at her, lips swollen from the kiss, hair tousled and tangled in my fingers, eyes clouded by the passion. I understood why she had done it though, because things were getting a bit too out of hand too soon. And she was a little bit tipsy. She didn’t know what she was doing and I didn’t want to wake up with a knife to my neck because I led her into something she really didn’t want.

“I’m too tired to slap you or fight you off,” she murmured drunkenly.

I hoped that was code for she didn’t mind me kissing her.

Smiling, I wrapped her tighter in the tutelage of my arms and tucked her head beneath my chin.

“Thank you, my love…” Mariam whispered while drifting to sleep, her words choked up for reasons I couldn’t understand. When I felt a hot, wet trickling along my neck, I knew that she was crying. Again. Something told me her tears didn’t stem from our past. Something told me they were because of something else. I wondered if the call had anything to do with it. I never pursued the issue because I knew she would lie to me.

But looking back on the issue, I wish I had.

Regardless, my racketing heart rocketed to my throat. Those were the last words I had expected from her. In fact, after the way I’d asked her who she was going to call earlier, I’d expected her to be really indifferent to me. I’d expected her to give me all sorts of rude, trite remarks. In fact, I still felt that she had forgiven me far too easily.

But it was like she had turned a new leaf in a matter of a second.

Kissing the crown of her head, I said, “I love you too.”

I felt her stiffen to my words, but this time she said nothing.

I was smart enough to know that this didn’t mean that all was well so soon.

This was just a moment. One of those moments that lovers are punished with when they can’t deny the forces of their feelings for each other.

We still had a long way to go, but I was happy.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this good without having to be on stage.

I guess a regular life wasn’t so bad after all.