| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I love you guys! You're like my medicine lol i might not even need a doctor (haha that was so lame).
Those who said they're sick I hope you all get better. Thanks for still being here despite my short hiatus. Well my sickness is they found a lump in my throat and they're trying to get it out. I wont know whether I need surgery until the biopsy is done. Thanks for your well wishes!
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Chapter 21
Jaejoong
The next morning I woke up remembering why real life was bad after all.
Mariam was nowhere in sight.
In all the years that I’d known her, this had never happened before.
Never.
If it had happened, it was I who always ended up as missing the next morning. Not that it was something I was proud of. But I felt I had a good reason not to be there. I had to leave for work.
So what was her reason?
She wasn’t working yet. After new years is when I heard her talking to her mother about helping run her bed and breakfast company. So where could she be?
I realized that I was thinking too far ahead. Maybe she was somewhere else in the house, just not with me.
And still, I felt deserted. Yes, I had it bad.
Dangerously so.
Shamefully, it had taken the incessant ringing of a cell phone to sack me out of my fitful sleep. It was fitful because I’d had the strangest dream. It would be much better to label it as a nightmare though.
Mariam and I were in a dark space. She was standing before me, but for some reason I couldn’t touch her. Everytime I reached for her, my hands would go straight through her.
Like she was invincible.
I tried not to think too deeply into it. I had strange dreams all the time.
The phone continuously rang and I would’ve ignored it if it didn’t keep ringing. Grudgingly I rose to my feet and got ready to look through the room only to find it by the couch’s right coasters on the floor. All I was going to do when I picked it up was push the button that switched off the sound. That is, until I saw his name.
Seung.
It was instant. The jealousy, that is. It was hot and acidic. Seeing his name on something that belonged to her disturbed me. And to add salt to the wound, an ambiguous rage tore through me when the phone signaled that he’d left a voice message.
I was two seconds into checking it but caught a hold of myself. She was always respectful enough never to go through my phone when we were dating and didn’t do it now. So I had no right to snoop through her stuff.
Damn it. Doing the right thing was so overrated but it was just a part of who I am.
Whereas I could stop myself from checking her messages, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling angry that he was still calling her.
That she still had him in her phone. I was still in the dark of their history other than the fact that they worked together. I knew I could find out more from her friend Dae, but she avoided me at all costs now. Speaking of which, I always forgot to ask Mariam what had happened between the two. It seemed like their friendship had turned sour for reasons I was unaware of.
But that was another matter for another time.
Stashing the phone in my pocket, I went in search of her in the house like a lost puppy looking for a home. In the midst of my search, I received a call from Yunho from my new cell phone telling me that he would be arriving the next day. Despite my glum mood, I was beyond excited. He would get to see my first borns! Kids were things we always talked about so carelessly, like when asked in interviews and such but none of us planned to have any soon. Regardless I was proud and glad to be a father of those children and I wanted to share that with everyone that I cared about—especially my one and only best friend.
My high spirits were booted aside when I didn’t find Mariam in the room Jin and Hye slept in.
The pungent aroma of coffee encouraged me to find her in the kitchen. I found her mother instead.
“Good morning,” I murmured, scouring through the kitchen and still so no sign of her. I was starting to get worried and agitated.
“She’s not here,” she answered what was on my mind. I stopped short and looked at her.
“Where is she?” I tried not to show my discomfiture that she wasn’t there but couldn’t help it.
Mariam’s mother also wore a grim expression as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
“I’m not too sure where she is. She said she was going to meet someone,” she explained and I sought the clock on the wall. It was a little past seven o’clock.
“Who would she be meeting at a time like this?” I asked fretfully. Then it hit me. The answer resided in the phone in my pocket.
Seung.
Could he be the one she’d left to see? Was he the one she had called yesterday? These calls were getting suspicious. On the day I found out that the kids were mine, she’d scrambled the moment she’d gotten a phone call. Had that been him then?
My chest began to feel tight and constricted. I wasn’t feeling right about the whole situation.
“I don’t know,” her sigh wafted the smoke rising from her cup. “She hasn’t been acting like herself lately.”
Really, she hadn’t. I was used to the temperamental, smart-alecky, silver-tongued Mariam.
“How long has she been gone?” I asked.
“An hour or so.”
“An hour?!” I exclaimed. “So she left at six? I’m going to go look for her—“
“Jaejoong, sit down and calm down. One of you has to stay with the kids right?”
Her question made my tense shoulders sag. I felt guilty for not giving the kids any thought.
“And she left in her car,” her mother further explained. “I doubt you’ll find her going on foot, seeing as to how you can’t drive. I’m sure she’s fine. You can call her to check on her.”
I removed her phone from my pocket and showed it to her, “She left it.”
Her expression grew worried once again and she sighed. “We’ll just have to wait. Mariam is a big girl, she can take care of herself. Let’s try to think positively. You know she always had a knack for doing things on her own. If she wanted our help with whatever it was, she would have asked.”
She was right. But she was wrong too. Mariam had too much pride. Even if she needed help she would never ask.
“Do you always wake up this early?” she asked, trying to alter the subject.
“I’m kind of used to not sleeping,” I said with an uncomfortable laugh, thanking her when she readily picked up the carafe and poured me coffee into a mug.
“They really do overwork you guys don’t they?” she commiserated.
I knew it would be impolite to just walk off after she’d been very hospitable to me so I mounted the stool, wrapping my hands around the heated mug.
“It may be a lot of work, but we do the work with great joy,” I said before sipping, relishing the way the coffee woke me up. Mariam’s mother narrowed her eyes disbelievingly at me.
“Do they train you how to always answer questions positively too?” she asked and I laughed.
“They do but I’m naturally a positive person anyway, so this is all natural. And I mean what from the bottom of my heart. I like the hard work. I like feeling tired. It lets me know that I still have normal feelings. It lets me know that my dreams are real,” I explained and she nodded, a pensive look on her face.
“Well, it must be hard for you to wake up and not have anything to do then,” she said.
“It was at first, but it’s a bit nice to have a break. Miss Kim why am I feeling angry?” the question escaped before I could stop it.
“Angry about what?” she asked confusedly.
“Your daughter,” I lowered my head to hide the stigma I felt, “She makes me angry, ah.” I scratched the side of my head as I winced, “she makes me angry and happy all at once.
To my surprise, she chuckled, “To my belief, you make her very angry too. And please, call me Mama.”
Her suggestion made my head shoot up in surprise, “Really?”
She nodded. “You’re the father of my grandchildren, so you’re a part of the family. That makes you my son.”
Her words were really touching. So much that for a long while I couldn’t say anything as emotions bombarded me.
“But, after what I did…” I began ruefully only for her to give me an offhanded wave.
“Are you still on that? The fact that you acknowledge that you were wrong tells me I should give you another chance. The fact that you’re really trying to be in your children’s lives shows me that you’ve grown as a person. Now like Mariam mentioned, maybe you’re only doing this because you’re under suspension. Maybe you really will be there for them. I guess we wont know, but if you do mess up again, I’m going to kill you.” She capped that off with the sweet smile of a nun. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or chilled to the bone.
Either way I was grateful she thought me worthy enough of a second chance.
“Thank you,” I told her with a humble nod.
“Now what is it about Mariam that makes you angry?” she asked.
I smiled wryly, “Well, this isn’t really the type of conversation you should have with the mother of the person who makes you angry.”
“If it makes you feel any better, Mariam makes me angry sometimes too. But what mother doesn’t get annoyed by their child?”
“How does she make you angry?” I asked, my interest piqued.
“For starters, she’s very stubborn.”
“Tell me about it.” I murmured before guiltily cutting myself off, only for Mama to laugh.
“And she’s…too afraid. This isn’t something that used to be her. It’s only recent that she’s been acting very fearful of a lot of things. I want her to regain her previous bravery because I don’t like the path that she’s going. These insecurities will be bad not only for her but most of all the children.”
I didn’t want to seem self-indulgent with thinking that I may have been the reason she was afraid, but I truly thought that way.
As Mama and I dipped into deep thinking, she said something that had been on my mind ever since I came here.
“But I do know that she’s keeping something from us. And that worries me. It really worries me.”
~0~0~0~
“Where’s Umma?” Hye asked, taking a break from splashing her plastic duck in tub as I gave her a bath. It had been a chore and a half to get them to take a bath. Actually, Jin was the only one who had given me trouble. I’d chased him in and out of the house. I’d had to crawl under a table—which I struck my head on—then I’d had to chase him outside as he run bear naked in this wintry weather. When I had threatened to spank him he’d simply laughed and said he would spank me too. Then he’d added that I would never spank him and that was simply his mother’s job. He was a devil and a half but I loved the boy to death. Hye had complied, though grudgingly, but hadn’t given me as much trouble as Jin.
Now here I was on my knees by the porcelain tub, one hand curled around a washcloth and the other clinging onto a bar of soap. A frown made my face sag at Hye’s question. This wasn’t the first time she had asked for her mother.
“Uh, she’s still at work,” I lied. I didn’t know where their mother was.
“She didn’t play with us on Christmas. She always plays with us on Christmas,” Jin said and it hurt me to hear her sound so factual. Her observatory nature stunned me also. She was a bit too smart for her age.
“I think Umma has been really tired,” I explained with a smile that I wasn’t feeling.
When I was done bathing them, I prepared for them dinner a bit too late but they enjoyed it nonetheless. Mama set out to the bed and breakfast resort to take care of some things to keep her from worrying about Mariam.
I kept myself busy by playing with the kids and listening their stories about past events that I’d missed.
“You liar,” Hye accused her brother after he told me about having his first girlfriend in kindergarten. I was surprised they were already in school. When they told me what school they’d gone to I was even more surprised because it was an upscale private school. A very expensive one at that. Since Mariam was already struggling financially I wondered why she would go through all that trouble. But this was Mariam we were talking about. When it came to education she never fooled around. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me.
“What am I lying about?” Jin instantly went on the defense.
“Bo didn’t like you,” Hye said.
“Did too!” Jin defied.
“Did not.”
“Did too!”
“Not!”
“Too!”
“Guys. That’s enough,” I laughed tiredly, “It’s time for bed.”
The kids griped and wailed but I lulled them with bedtime stories about all the places that I’d been in my lifetime. The only continent I had yet to visit was Africa but I did plan to go there one day and I promised to take the kids with me.
When I thought they were asleep and I closed their door behind me, I saw Mariam’s room across the hall. Before I knew what I was doing, I walked into her room. Not bothering to turn on the light, I simply went to the bed and sat on it when something glistening caught my eye. A card with a golden bow that matched the one on the present Mariam gave me a day ago of the kids when they were birth lay on the nightstand. My heart raced. Maybe this would give me an answer to where she was.
I shouldn’t have, but I picked it up and when I did, I saw a crumpled piece of paper with black writing underneath it. I turned the lamplight on to get a better view.
Had it not been for the first two words in the letter, I wouldn’t have kept on reading because I think nobody’s business should be intruded into.
But those words let me know that it was my business.
‘Dear Jaejoong,
You’re probably never going to read this letter. Not because I can’t find you. Because I’m not going to give it to you. I’m writing this later a day after our kids are born. I’m doing it this way so that I can convince myself that I did the right thing by telling you what their birth was like since you weren’t there. It must have been an act from heaven, but I’m glad I was out of prison when I gave birth to them. I would have escaped if I had to so that they wouldn’t be born as prisoners. That’s something my children will never be. I want them to have the same freedom I had as a child. And I want to make sure they have it for the rest of their lives. On May 30th I began feeling the contractions. I went into a long, arduous labor. It was terribly painful. All I had was my mother to hold on to as I went through the pains. Finally, on June 1st, they came along. Hye was first. She was a silent birth. Jin came second, crying his little heart out. Despite the conditions I was under when I was pregnant with them, they were happy, healthy babies. I was excited, forgetting the pains I went through to birth them, until I held them. They looked so much like you. They had the same color of Dad’s eyes and hair, but that was it. Everything else was all you. There was no mistaking it. Although I was happy, I was sad, and a bit scared that they’re never going to see you other than on TV or maybe on stage, like all of your fans. It will be a shame if that’s all your kids will be to you, fans. Because that’s what I turned out to be, or at least what you made me out to be, or wanted me to be. You see Jaejoong, you wanted me when it was convenient for you and wanted me to leave you to your private happy life when you were done getting all you wanted from me. Isn’t that how you treat fans? You expect to receive their all, but when you want privacy, you want them gone? Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that I have the most beautiful babies in the world. If I could find you, then maybe, just maybe I could let you see them. But then I can’t find you. You won’t let me. So I won’t let you see them.
Wherever you are, I hope you have the happiness that you left for. I found my happiness in my two bundles of joy.
Maybe next lifetime?
Mariam’
For a long time I sat in her room fathoming the letter. Like old habits, old wounds die hard. I wondered why it was out like this. Had she read this and gotten mad at me all over again? There were times I knew I tended to forget what leaving had done to her. But I was trying so hard to make it right. Couldn’t she see that?
Sighing heavily, I returned everything where I found it before leaving her room. It’s when I was leaving that I saw something that nearly made my heart jump out of my chest. Curled up at the foot of the door was Jin, shivering in a small ball.
I rushed to my son and scooped him up into my arms from the cold carpet. “Jin? What are you doing?”
Slowly rousing awake, Jin said drowsily, “I want Umma.”
My throat became tight and I became angry. Forget what this was doing to me. what about the kids who were always used to having her around?
“Come on son, let’s go to bed,” I hoisted him on my shoulder while slowly rising to my feet because of his weight. “I’ll let you know when Umma comes.”
After taking Jin back to sleep, I sat on the cold porch, waiting. I was bone tired. My eyes were burning. It was feverishly cold but I didn’t care.
When would she be back?
The sound of the front door made me turn my heavy head to find Mama standing under it.
“Jaejoong, come to bed,” she said.
“No. I’ll wait up till she comes back.”
Mama smiled sadly at me and surprised me when she came to sit beside me.
“You know what is so sad about this?”
“What?”
“You and her are just alike.”
“Eh?”
“You remember those days you told Mariam you’d be able to steal a moment from your schedule to spend time with her?”
“Yeah.”
“She would wait and wait, believing that you weren’t the type to break your promises. There was a time she fell asleep on this very porch. It was during the summer. But you never showed up. You know what she did the next day?”
“What?”
“She waited.”
I frowned deeply and Mama patted my hand.
“Come inside Jaejoong. I’m sure she’s fine.”
Capitulating, I went inside with her. After watching the kids the kids in I went back to waiting in the living room.
I was just about to nod off around midnight when I heard the front door chug. Moments later Mariam stepped in and our eyes locked. Her face was pale. Her eyes red-blood shot.
I didn’t care if she’d been crying. I didn’t care about all that. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind. But there was one problem.
I couldn’t.
All the angry words I’d played in my head dissipated like fan blowing smoke. In fact, all words did. I didn’t know what to say.
I was too disappointed to know what to say.
And then she had the audacity to change her countenance right before my eyes and behave as cheerfully as a summer butterfly.
“Hey Jae! You’re still awake. How are you?”
How am I?! How am I?! She just spent an entire day god knows where doing god knows what, no explanation to me or the kids whatsoever and that’s what she asked me? I don’t know how I kept my composure but I did.
Looking back at Mariam I wondered, who was she?
“I’m fine,” I answered monotonously, still not sure how to react to her drastic behavior.
“Oh gosh, I didn’t realize that it was so late. Do you need me to make you something to eat?”
What makes you think I would want to eat this late? I wanted to ask, but clenched my mouth shut for a while before answering.
“Your mom cooked already.”
Her smile faltered, “Oh! And the kids, how are they?”
You would have known if you were here.
“They’re fine,” I tore my eyes away from her, my fingers worrying my chin. “Asleep.”
“Oh, I’ll check on them on my way up.”
“You should. They asked about you. All day.”
Though I wasn’t looking at her, I felt her gaze on me.
I waited. I waited for the ‘Don’t you talk to me like that’. Or better yet, the ‘Do you think you have a right to ask?’ Hell, I even waited for a slap.
“Thanks Jaejoong. Goodnight,” was what I got instead before hearing her footfalls as she walked off.
When I exploded and shot up to my feet, ready to tell her off, she said something with her back to me.
“Can I ask you a favor?” she asked quietly.
You left and you’re asking for favors?! My mind screamed.
“What is it?” I found myself asking instead.
When Mariam remained hesitant, I took a few steps forward, held her hand and turned her around to face me.
Gnawing on her bottom lip apprehensively, her eyes faltering as she whispered, “Can I ask you not to make me fall in love with you again?”
Her question was unexpected.
It hurt me. And there was no denying it.
When I didn’t say anything, she looked up at me.
“You understand, right?” she asked with a shaky smile.
Who the hell do you think I am? One night you crawl into my arms and the next you’re telling me this nonsense?!
“You really don’t want us to get back together, do you?” I asked her instead.
Mariam’s eyes smarted with tears before she quickly blinked them away and shook her head as though trying to get rid of a disturbing thought.
“I know I’m being stubborn Jae. I want to be with you, but I can’t. I can’t risk it. I don’t want you to wait for me. Please.”
I felt myself getting a little bit irrationally angry. “So what else am I supposed to do?”
“You can see other people.” She said, her eyes averted.
My hands balled into fists.
“Is that what you plan to do? Is that what you’re doing right now?” I asked in something between despair and frustration. Usually I never held on to girls who never wanted me. I always thought that life was too short to linger over one person. I always that there were enough fish in the sea. So why was I still holding on?
Seemingly at a loss of words, Mariam never gave me an answer, walking away down the hallway.
That was answer enough.
“Wait.” I called out to her and she stopped.
“You’re forgetting something.”
Removing her phone from my pocket, I walked up to her and handed it to her. From the way Mariam’s eyes widened with panic and guilt washing through them, more answers to the questions running through my mind were answered.
This time, it was I who walked off.
My heart felt heavy.
Looking back on it now, I wish I’d said something else. Something more.
I wish I’d demanded the truth.
If only I did.
But I didn’t.