| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Mariam
The last time I was this nervous to meet people that I’d only heard of and seen from afar was never. Growing up I was always confident in myself enough not to be nervous about others.
But this was a big deal to me.
I felt like I was being ferried to my first audition with only one chance to either pass or fail.
If I didn’t pass the test, if these men ended up not accepting me, that was as good as Jaejoong not accepting me.
I was starting to remember how big an influence that they were in his life and vice versa.
Being cooped up in my mother’s house made me temporarily forget about the rest of the world. Whenever I was in a closed room with Jaejoong alone, lately at least, I would forget that he was an attachment of so much. Of his band mates. Of his fans. Of his career.
But now we were on the way to meet his brothers.
And this meeting could go one of two ways: good or bad.
I was so nervous that Jin, who was seated on my lap with his head propped on my bosom, had complained I was holding him too tight. I was doing this because the nerves carousing through my veins were having a field day at making me uneasy.
As promised, Yunho took care of all the expenses, thus giving me another reason not to hate DBSK. It was like they could do no wrong.
Really, I wasn’t exaggerating—he was a good man. Too good. And I presumed that the rest of them were, but reminded myself that I couldn’t judge all of them based on just the two I’d met. Even if Yunho was great guy, I still didn’t know him that well. I was still ashamed that he was a bit embarrassed that he was the one paying for this visit. I never let anyone except for my parents pay anything for me, and that was a long, long time ago. To say no to him would have been really rude so I’d swallowed my negations.
The five hour long flight to the airport had made me air sick. DBSK were so exclusive now that they had their own private plane. It was all a bit too overwhelming for me. These guys were treated like royalty and to be honest there were times I thought it was overdone. Then again, they were pioneers changing the way the world viewed Asians.
I guess I felt overwhelmed because I was affiliated with them in some way now. Trails of trepidation would trickle down my back with the thought that me, a simple nobody, and my kids, could ruin all of this. Their image would be forever tarnished because of me. Exhausting myself with such thoughts made me feel even worse than before.
Now the car ride to the resort wasn’t helping. I was woozy and disoriented. I was shamed by the fact that we’d had to stop twice so that I could throw up. I blamed this nausea on anxiety.
“Here.” The voice from beside me was followed by a bottle of water placed before my mouth.
My heavy eyes swung to Jaejoong. Normally he would cower under my death glare, but not this time. He was insistent. He’d been mothering me throughout the entire trip. Dabbing my sweaty brow with a cool handkerchief. Asking if I was alright ever other second. Telling me to eat something even when I didn’t feel like it.
I had to admit, I liked being catered to—especially by him. I’d read in interviews like everyone else that he was the maternal type of guy, which was really kind of odd when you really thought about it, but it fit him perfectly somehow.
“Come on,” he cajoled when I didn’t oblige.
“Jaejoong I’m fi—“
Before I could finish my words the opening of a plastic bottle had been thrust into my open mouth. I was left with no choice but to drink the contents that drained into my mouth. Whether I liked it or not, the liquids did make me feel a tad bit better.
Meanwhile Jaejoong laughed at the dark glare I gave him despite succumbing to his overbearing babying.
He leaned closer with his lips to my ear. “This view is strangely turning me on.”
With that comment the water slithered down the wrong pipe and made me choke. Jaejoong hastily removed the bottle from my mouth and patted my back as I coughed. The water spilled down my chin and partially on Jin’s face. He woke up startled and perplexed. Hye, seated on Jaejoong, remained sound asleep.
“Oh crap. I’m so sorry. Sorry. Sorry Sorry,” Jaejoong said as he scrambled to wipe my chin and Jin’s forehead off with the handkerchief. All the while I looked at him blankly, barely sustaining the need to laugh.
“I told you your perverted ways would come back to haunt you one day,” I told him through a thin voice, still recovering from choking.
An hour later the driver tooled the van into a gated area. Neither my drowsiness nor my fatigue kept me from being awed by the place’s magnificence. These were the type of places an everyday person only saw in magazines or TV specials—and this was just the outside that I was looking at.
It was like stepping into paradise. Mountains in the far distance were hued a pale purple against a vermilion sky. Dusk was well on its way, as we’d traveled for the entire day. We would have gotten here earlier, but took longer to leave because I’d misplaced the children’s passports. Needless to say, I was still disorganized because of the unorthodox fire that had claimed most of my belongings. Days after the fire when I went back to retrieve some of our surviving belongings, I found that my documents along with the kids’ were some of the few remaining ones.
Hills cloaked in snow spread throughout the resort. Experts and beginners were skiing delightfully; I could almost feel their joy from the car. Cable rides floated above as happy families and couples watched from their highpoints. We continued down the length of the curvy road along serried buildings of what looked to be an outdoor mall with a movie theatre, restaurants, and shops.
I hated to get starry eyed but I couldn’t stop it. It was so beautiful. Yunho, who took the passenger’s seat beside the driver, explained the resort’s features as we went along. By then the kids had were up and alert, they too shared my awe. Even though they were tired, their spirits were elevated a thousand times over. I could tell that Jaejoong was amused by their surprise.
We drifted further down a place that was far from the theme park. The place was spacious with cabins placed far away from each other. We were driven to one of the larger ones up a hill. Other cars were already present.
Nervous jitters danced through me with more vigor now.
When we finally parked beside the cabin, it was time to go in with our luggage. I did so at a painfully slow pace, calling to the kids whenever they ran off too far. They had a pressing desire to check the woods out. Their reason was their hopes to meet Harry Porter and his friends.
“Let’s go see the cabin first,” Jaejoong told them while carrying most of our stuff with Yunho. They insisted that I didn’t carry too much no matter how hard I tried to fight them.
“Come on kids,” I called nervously. To my fortune they were just as excited to view the cabin’s insides as its outsides and run up to me, each of them grabbing a hand of mine. Yunho and Jaejoong held small talk as we made our way up while I prayed silently to myself, hoping that I wasn’t walking to my own death sentence.
Once the door was pulled open, the guys just had to be gentleman enough to step aside so that I could go in first. I gave Yunho a pleading look that he responded with an encouraging nod.
Taking a deep inward breath, I stepped inside the warm cabin, sandwiched by my toddlers. There was no time to admire the cabin’s eloquent décor. All three heads in the living room placed the spotlight on me. The smiles from these faces dropped to be replaced with confusion and surprise. Their questioning gazes bounced from the kids to me. It took me a while to recognize them, but it took no rocket scientist to figure out who they were. Seeing someone in real life after having seen them on TV with perfect lighting and airbrushed photos for such a long time is a weird experience. It was like I knew them but then again I didn’t.
At a loss of what to do I smiled shakily at them, thankful when Jaejoong and Yunho stepped in. That only widened their eyes though, a clear sign that their suspicions were raised.
“Hey guys. What’s up?” Yunho greeted them as he placed his bags on the floor.
“Ah, I’ve missed you guys so much,” Jaejoong said uneasily, still latching onto the bags he hefted.
All three of them had stood up slowly, eying us oddly. Unsurely.
Maybe this was all a bad idea.
An awkward silence followed before Jin broke it with a cheery tune. “Hi! I’m Jin!”
Hye, on the other hand, pressed herself close to my leg.
The child seemed to have made a crack in the uncomfortable barrier that separated us, but not enough to make it crumble. While they all gave faint smiles, Junsu was the only one who stepped forward and say hello to Jin and Hye. He then greeted Jaejoong and Yunho before giving me a polite but indifferent nod. I couldn’t blame him. I was a stranger out of nowhere, invading his privacy and standing before him. For all he knew I was some stalker fan that had found her way to their undisclosed location to ruin their mini-vacation.
"Umma." I felt a gentle tagging on my pants.
"Yes?" I looked down at Hye.
"I want that one," she said, pointing at Changmin like he was something for display.
Despite the uneasiness everyone excluding me laughed as I chastised Hye for speaking like that. Hadn't I taught my children how to behave in front of strangers?
"I'm so sorry," I apologized to him.
"It's okay," Changmin said with a soft smile.
Another silence that seemed like an eternity followed before Yunho cleared his throat to prompt some sort of action.
“Oh! Um, guys, this is Lee Mariam Louis,” Jaejoong introduced.
Forcing a smile on my face, I bowed my head faintly as I greeted them all. They all did the same, then sought Yunho and Jaejoong’s faces for more answers. My name wasn’t enough to lull the mounting suspicion.
“And um, these are uh,” Jaejoong paused hesitantly before continuing. “These are our children, Lee Jin Francis and Lee Hye Antoinette.”
~0~0~0~
“You mean to tell me that you, Kim Jae Joong, is the father of twins that are four years old?” Yoochun asked incredulously.
We were now in the living room. We told them everything, Jaejoong and Yunho doing most of the talking. They were beyond surprised, even by the fact that Yunho knew and they didn’t. After the introductions and the blatant shock, I’d decided that the kids needed to be kept away from the drama that might unfold. Since they were already tired, getting them to take their afternoon nap was not a problem.
The real problem lay in the subject at hand. And the reactions to the subject. Of course I hadn’t expected them to jump for joy when we told them the truth.
I hadn’t really known what to expect anyway other than missiles and atomic bombs.
I was seated stiff as a metal bar on a wicker chair at the far corner of the room. Jaejoong sat on the lone couch opposite the love couch, which was occupied by Junsu and Yoochun. Changmin sat against the arm of the chair.
Yunho stood up against the wall beside Jaejoong’s couch with his arms crossed.
It was not a comfortable setting.
The atmosphere was glum at best. The shock that had been on their faces was slowly morphing into one of hurt. Betrayal is probably what they felt. I couldn’t blame them at all. I didn’t feel any better either, thinking that I was the creator of this very mood.
Jaejoong sighed and finally answered for the millionth time, “Yes. I’m a father.”
More silence befell us.
“Wait, wait, I don’t understand,” Junsu pierced the thick silence. “I thought you said that Mariam had kids by someone else. Were you lying then?”
“No. I wasn’t. I just didn’t know,” Jaejoong explained. I shifted nervously in my chair.
“You didn’t know that you had kids for four years?” Changmin asked with a disbelieving tilt of his head and squint of his eyes.
“No. He didn’t. And it’s my fault. I never told him,” I spoke up on Jaejoong’s behalf.
All eyes were on me now. I couldn’t tell what lay behind their stares. I wouldn’t be surprise if disdain was hidden somewhere there.
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Changmin asked quietly. I sighed heavily and braced myself, training my eyes to the carpet because I couldn’t stand to look at their disappointment.
What was wrong with me? What had happened? Weeks ago I would have reveled in Jaejoong taking all this blame, but now I felt I had to place his burdens on my shoulder. This was working backwards. He was the one who had left me damn it.
“I didn’t know that I was pregnant when Jaejoong broke up with me. I found out after. I had tried to let him know some time after their birth but, he’d already cut off all contact with me.”
A grim mood palled over us. We were all frozen in time for a while. Then Junsu suddenly shot up to his feet and walked up to the nearest window with his hands in his pockets. I could tell that he wasn’t a happy camper. I’m not sure how I’d react if I found out something that could change my livelihood.
“What if Manager finds out?” Yoochun asked while shaking his head to himself.
“He knows,” Yunho clarified. All heads of those who didn’t know snapped in Yunho’s direction.
“Manager knows?!” Junsu exclaimed, whipping around from the window. “Manager knows about this? And he didn’t tell us? What the hell is going on?”
“How did Manager find out anyway?” Jaejoong asked suddenly. I remember that night when he came and asked me with finality if the kids were his. I’d presumed Soon had gone back and told him what he saw, but I doubted that Jaejoong got the entire story. He probably wasn’t told about the threats.
I should have spoken up then, but I got chocked up.
“I don’t know. But the fact is he knows,” Yunho said.
“And you’re not dead yet?” Junsu gaped at Jaejoong, who seemed surprised by all of this himself.
“I can’t believe this,” Yoochun murmured softly.
“If the fans find out…” Changmin’s words tapered off. The reality of our situation was too harsh to bear.
“I know this is all coming as a shock to you. It came as a shock to me too. We discussed this and we thought that you all should know. I couldn’t keep something like that a secret from you guys for this long. I know this is asking for too much, I would really like you all to get to know the kids as I’m getting to know them. And,” when he raised his eyes to me, I shrank, “And Mariam too. They’re very important to me, as you all are. I don’t want to keep anything from you all anymore I know you guys have been working so hard on my behalf. I’ll always regret the drinking incident. I’ve asked you all for so much already. I know you hate that. But I just want to ask you to try to get to know them. They’re going to be in my life, in my future and so are you. You all are like the most important people in my life. I know this is a tough pill to swallow, that it’s all too much, but…”
No one said anything after that. It was hard to find the right words to say. I knew the guys were probably angry with Jaejoong. Probably me too. But they never said anything.
“I understand that,” Changmin broke the lengthy silence. “And I’m glad you told us this. I don’t mean to sound selfish. But with all due respect, speaking realistically, how will this affect the group?”
“Yeah,” Junsu jumped in too. “How is he going to manage our schedule while taking care of the kids? It’s not going to work—“
“You can’t say that,” Yunho interposed, pushing himself off of the wall. “When we first went to Japan and we thought that was impossible, what happened? We made history guys. We have been blessed with so much, and people with blessings often face roadblocks. Japan was one. This is just one of them. We’re going to make it. We just have to try.”
“But this is different,” Yoochun said with a heavy frown. “The media is constantly trying to catch us in the act. This would be the hugest scandal in history.”
I could’ve said they were overreacting if I didn’t know how Korean stars were treated. Asian stars as a whole. It’s sad, but they were treated like gods. And gods were not meant to do anything unruly. Something as delicate as Jaejoong having kids could diminish the boy’s career with one flick of a finger. The headache that I’d had earlier had worsened tenfold.
“Can I—can I say something?”
My shy voice gravitated each gaze to me. I kept my eyes downcast.
“Just like your experience in Japan wasn’t an overnight success, this won’t be. It will take some time. That in itself is a burden on you all, and I’m so sorry. I know you may feel hurt, maybe even angry, and that’s okay. I’m still a bit hurt and angry for reasons of my own, but that’s another story.” I swallowed with difficulty, pausing before bravely lifting my head up to look each of them in the eye. “I don’t know you guys personally. The only person I’m familiar with is Jaejoong, and I’m still learning a lot about him. He’s a kind person, a good person. I believe that the type of company that a person keeps is just like him. I believe all of you are good people. I know that if it were up to Jaejoong, he would’ve known four years prior. It wasn’t by choice that he kept this a secret.
“I guess, all I’m saying is, please forgive me. Jaejoong doesn’t need forgiveness. Yes, we were both reckless, but we don’t regret our children. At least I know I don’t. My apology comes from remaining silent for too long. And also from you guys having to get dragged in the dirt with us. I’m not trying to control how you should feel about this situation. In fact I would like you all to be honest with what you feel about this. But I just wanted to say that if you want anyone to blame, then please blame me.”
Stunned silence conquered the room. I couldn’t even believe what I was saying. Me, Mariam Louis, was doing the apologizing. Wasn’t it I who was jilted? Wasn’t I the one who got her heart trampled all over?
Before any reaction from the guys could be displayed, we heard some faint sniffs. Hye had walked up to the room and stopped by Changmin’s leg, which she leaned against as she wiped her eyes.
“Baby what’s wrong?” Jaejoong asked, rising to his feet.
“I’m hungry,” she said in her tiny voice, glancing up at Changmin expectantly. I couldn’t believe that she was near a stranger in that way. What made her willingly go to him? Was it because she thought he was a life-sized doll like earlier?
Flustered, Changmin glanced at all of us with uncertainty. My heart thudded loudly in my throat. I would be so crushed if he simply brushed her off. I’d always known of Changmin as the pragmatic one who didn’t linger on emotions.
Then I saw something that brightened my day. Leaning forward, Changmin picked Hye up and stood with her. All the while he kept on looking at all of us, still with discomfort.
“Uh, what would you like to eat?” he finally asked the whimpering girl.
“Chocolate,” Hye said with a heavy pout, wringing her fingers like she knew her suggestion would get her in trouble.
Just as I was about to protest to her eating chocolate, Jaejoong had looked at me and shaken his head hastily. I held my silence.
Changmin then looked at me and Jaejoong to see if it was okay. When Jaejoong nodded, he looked at the other members as if to ask if giving in to loving the kids so easily was okay too.
Rubbing his nape, Junsu slowly stepped forward. “Let’s go find some chocolate then okay?”
Just as they were walking off, Yoochun laggardly pried himself from his seat and followed. “Hey, wait up. I want to see what chocolate you’re talking about.”
Bless their hearts. I knew this was eating at them inside. All the worry for their futures and what was to come. Yet they were still kind enough to try and deal with this as nicely as possible.
But maybe, just maybe, this was a sign of progress.
“I’m going to go put these bags in the rooms you’ll be staying in,” Yunho announced with a warm smile that should’ve made me better but only made tears creep into my eyes.
When Jaejoong and I were alone in the living room, I broke down, crying silently with my face shamefully in my hands. I’d become such a sensitive person over the past few months. I cried way too easily and it was embarrassing.
Jaejoong rushed to me, leaning in front of me.
“Hey, come on now. Why the tears?” Jaejoong asked, peeling my hands away to wipe my tears with his thumb.
“I’m so sorry,” I croaked out.
“For what?”
“This! This is all my fault,” I kept my eyes averted from Jaejoong as he stared at me searchingly.
“Shhh,” he kissed my forehead before burying my face in his shoulder and winding his arms around my neck. He spoke into my hair. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
I hoped so.
I truly hoped so.
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A/N:
This was by far the toughest and least favorite chapter for me to write in this story. First cause I had to cut it in half since what I had for the entire chapter was nearly 24 pages long on Word. Honestly, I nearly put the story on hiatus because of how much problems it gave me. I’ve been having this fear that my trying to be as real as possible will cost me readers (which I kind of feel it already has lol) because I’m not all about being ‘cute, sunny, and happy’ all the time, but I felt this chapter just had to be there. I know sometimes trying to be realistic can backfire against a writer, but not being realistic can have the same effect. The way I saw it I just couldn’t move from the point I was at to the point that I’m trying to get to without it being there. But I swear, after this chapter, things will definitely pick up. it’s about time anyway and I’m excited for the coming chapters!
Also my apologies in advance for Jin and Hye not being in the chapters as much. I know some, if not most people would much rather read about them and their father lol but at the end of the day, whether you like Mariam or not lol her and Jaejoong are the main characters. If I write too much about supporting characters I’ll loose direction with this story.
With that being said, thank you for reading. I may have another chapter in later on tonight.
Oh yeah, people ask what Mariam looks like. Lol I don’t really know to be honest. Maybe you all can pick who you think she looks like and show it to me if you have time lol.
Once again, sorry for my lengthy speeches before chapters. A writer shouldn’t talk like this, their work should speak for itself lol but anyway THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR READING AND YOUR WELL WISHES. I appreciate each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. You all don’t know how much I reread the comments lmao I know, I'm weird...
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