| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
here it is:
“Chapter 15
“Jaejoong hyung!” she said gleefully, her eyes shining with joy from seeing me. It didn't matter that she should've called me 'oppa' instead. Right now rectitudes didn't matter. What mattered was that the girl in front of me could possibly be my child. My daughter. My heart lurched and I dropped to my knees as I looked at her, tears already in my eyes.”
Sorry if that confused anyone! I may have made her call him hyung after that and forgot so I apologize wholeheartedly. But she’s a girl. She calls him Appa now lol
** warning, long chapters. Sorry! This is my main weakness with writing lol**
Chapter 27
Mariam
We finished having dinner earlier than usual that evening because of the laser show and fireworks that they wanted to see during the New Year. Shooing the guys and the children off, I insisted on clearing the table by myself. To my fortune the kids kept them preoccupied in the living room and kept them from helping like the honorable gentlemen that they were.
Their distractions kept me from trying to avoid eye contact and discourage conversation as politely as humanly possible. My mind was in disarray and my body constantly buzzed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Well, I knew, but I was too ashamed to admit it.
Sighing heavily I walked from the dining room to the kitchen sink and dumped some plates there. Wincing, I perched my hands on the ledge of the sink and held my head low with my eyes closed.
“Why am I feeling like this?” I murmured to myself in frustration. This afternoon’s activities were all still too fervid in my mind like a fire that wouldn’t go down. I could still feel his lips. His fingers. Every delicate part of me that he’d touched ached just from the thought alone.
“Cause your hormones are raging.”
No warning came with that phrase. Therefore nothing could stop me from letting out a small surprised squeak while whipping around to see what rude person had whispered those naughty words into my ear.
It was Jaejoong in the flesh, standing before me with an angelical smile.
Among everyone in the cabin, he was the one I avoided the most.
“How dare you.” I said rather than asked in asperity as I brushed passed him, only for electricity to spark through my body. In one second my legs went rubbery, the butterflies plagued my tummy, and my heart pounded against my chest for mercy. This time when I returned to the table I couldn’t take anything to the kitchen because I was too wired up.
Also because Jaejoong still stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking around the kitchen casually. It was hard to ignore his toned arms with the sleeveless black and purple shirt that he wore. And it was just as difficult to ignore how good the matching black wool, brimless hat looked on him.
I couldn’t help but notice all of him.
This was a shame the way I was acting. Maybe it was his newly dyed hair. Yeah, maybe returning to the old hair that was responsible for making me fall for him was what had me acting so crazy right now.
The moment he set foot in the dining room I was up on my feet again.
“Hi Mariam,” he said with a casual yet mocking tone.
I lowered my eyes from him. When I rounded the table to the left, I saw from the corner of my eyes that Jaejoong went the same way. Thinking that that was just a coincidence, I decided to go around the other way only for Jaejoong to mirror my movements.
I raised my head to glower at him.
“What are you doing Jaejoong?”
He shrugged. “I just want to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.” These damn butterflies. Why was I so nervous? He was just Jaejoong…
“We’re going to have to talk some time.” The corner of his lips curled into a smile. Those luscious, full, ruddy lips that had…
Oh hell, what was I doing?
“I think we went too fast. And wait, we shouldn’t be going anywhere together in the first place,” I rambled out of nowhere, tinkering with the dishes nervously.
“Why not?”
“We’re not dating.”
“Well then let’s date.”
Stopping my useless actions of clearing the table, I tilted my head at Jaejoong and folded my arms at him.
Before I spoke I glanced at the foyer to make sure no one was listening. Thankfully they were engrossed in some special on TV.
“Tell me this Jaejoong,” I began as I turned back to him. “If you were a girl. Say you liked this guy. You started dating him. Oh yeah, let’s say this guy was a superstar who lived in some virtual world where being in a relationship is sinful. Okay, so let’s say you started dating this guy anyway because after talking the two of you got to like each other. And then after taking your virginity away, let’s say this guy suddenly leaves you because he realizes he loves his career too much. And then four years later he comes back and tells you that the two of you should date. What would you do?”
“Hmm, let’s see.” Jaejoong’s head fell back as he tapped his chin thoughtfully, the other arm folded across his diaphragm.
“Does this guy happen to go by the name of Kim Jaejoong?” He finally lowered his head back to my direction with an amused glint in his eyes.
“Maybe…” I answered.
“Then hell yeah I’d date him. Who cares what he did?”
When I gave Jaejoong a dull stare he spoke haltingly. “Okay, wait, calm down. That was a really bad time to joke. But look, you forgot to mention that this guy has been trying for a while to get on the girl’s good side. Say he’s apologized. Let’s say he’s proved that he’s changed. What do you think the girl should do?”
“I don’t know,” I said stubbornly.
“I think she should give him a chance.”
I kept my eyes averted when his got to piercing.
“Let me take you on a date,” he suggested.
I stared at Jaejoong long and hard. Then I laughed softly, nervously, shaking my head in disbelief while piling the dinner plates again. “This is something you would’ve never asked me four years ago.”
“News flash, we’re in four years later.”
“News flash, a date is not happening.”
“Breaking news just in, Jaejoong will not take no for an answer.”
I folded my arms again, fed up. “You can’t force me to go on a date with you.”
“Oh I won’t have to force you,” Jaejoong said confidently. “I just know that it’s going to happen.”
“When pigs fly.”
“Hey, technology. Slap some robotic wings to them and you’ve got yourself some flying pigs.”
Plopping down on a chair I covered my face in my hands. “I can’t believe we did that.”
“Me too. It was amazing right?”
When I unmasked my face I found Jaejoong sitting across from me.
“Don’t you feel any remorse for what happened?!”
Jaejoong harrumphed, his left brow lifting. “Remorse?”
“Yes. Guilt. Regret. Apologetic.”
After shaking his head slowly while running his tongue along the corner of his lip, he leaned forward and said silkily, “The only thing I’m sorry not taking it further. In fact, I would do it again, and again, and again. Matter of fact, I am going to do it again, and again, and—”
“Umma?”
The shock of hearing such an innocent voice amidst all of Jaejoong’s lewdness made me jerk and let out a sharp gasp. The fact that I’d started falling in a downward spiral of seduction from Jaejoong’s words made me mad at myself.
“Umma what’s wrong with you?” Jin asked brashly as he placed his hands on my trembling lap in an attempt to climb on.
“Nothing,” I said airily while carrying my son and sitting him on me.
“Me and Junsu hyung made water balloons!” Jin began reciting the exciting events of his day that I missed.
I smiled and listened half-heartedly because I was too mindful of Jaejoong’s penetrative gaze. Chancily I glanced up to find him staring at both Jin and I with a soft smile on his face.
A soft, proud smile.
~0~0~0~
The only negative aspect about the trip was that it made me way too happy. Too happy to the point where I was forgetting that life wasn’t all roses and sunshine. I was enjoying myself too much.
The twins didn’t want to be around me. Junsu supported Jin who sat up against the railing. Changmin did the same for Hye. They were rapt with the laser show being displayed against a man-made mountain. Yoochun, Yunho, Jaejoong and I all watched while conversing.
The only downside to this show was the weather. It was freezing.
Even though we were well equipped with our big winter jackets I didn’t want the kids to be out there much longer. Jin had already sneezed. I decided that as soon as the fireworks were done we were headed back. The guys could stay out if they wanted.
I was already exhausted. All the tension in my body from what I’d done with Jaejoong had tired me out. I didn’t like what I was doing, what I was getting myself into. And Jaejoong wasn’t making it any better. He didn’t seem regretful at all. In fact he was having the time of his life watching me get so up and arms about it.
I caught him staring at me too much as he talked with Yunho and the gang. It was unnerving. There were times he looked as though he was undressing me with his eyes. I hated the fact that I liked those occasional looks he was giving me.
Once the air show was done announcer inducted the fireworks. Shortly after saw a ball of fire rocketing up to the sky with a wailing. Then we heard the burst that produced a colorful explosion of silver stars. The cloudless night sky was lit. From there a plethora of fireworks followed showcasing an assortment of all sorts of neon colors ranging from purple, to blue, to bright pink. It was a beautiful sight to see, the type that made you want to share it with someone. I looked at the kids first, my heart distending when I saw the excitation on their faces as they changed colors according to the fireworks.
Then I sought Jaejoong, but no longer found him standing where he’d been. I did see that everyone was spellbound by the marvelous fireworks. I glanced to my other side and didn’t see him there either.
Wishing that he was there to see it too, I looked up at the stars again only to feel my eyes get watery. During the time I watched, a certain tagging at the belt loops of my pants snapped me out of my visual reverie. I never fully made it to turn around because a face pressed against the side of my face.
“Let’s go somewhere while they’re still distracted,” a familiarly husky voice suggested in a whisper.
“Huh?” my confusion was cut short when a big gloved hand closed around mine and began leading me away. It was Jaejoong. Looking back over my shoulder I saw that no one noticed us fleeing and despite my questions, I followed him and even picked up the pace when he began to jog a little.
We weaved passed the dense crowd until we were back on the pebbly road that would lead us out of the area where people watched the show from high ground.
“What are you doing?” I asked him as we made our way down the path.
“We’re running away,” Jaejoong said, keeping his head low as we passed.
“What?!”
“Relax. I just wanted us to have some time to ourselves before going back to the cabin.”
Even though his words warmed me, I was still self cautious. I had never openly held hands with Jaejoong in public. I wondered if he was insane. But it seemed like no one had caught wind of who the boys were that night. We were all nearly engulfed by our winter wear, which helped keep us invincible apart from the heavy crowd that was there. The scarf that he had high over the bottom half of his face and the skullcap pulled low over his head probably disguised him enough. Still, that didn’t mean his fans weren’t skillful enough to put two and two together soon.
When we were on lower ground where the complex of stores and restaurants was, Jaejoong held my hand firmly and began walking at a slower pace. I kept thinking all eyes were on us when in truth everyone was just minding their own business, enjoying themselves.
Even with knowing that, I held Jaejoong’s hand with both of mine, my side pressed snugly against his as we walked.
“Why are we just walking aimlessly?” I asked him, slowly calming down from my anxiety.
“Cause. It’s my favorite past time.”
“I know. I read that in a magazine you did a while back. It surprised me actually.”
“You found that out from a magazine?” he asked, looking at me with a small frown. I nodded.
“That’s strange,” he said looking back at his feet. “I don’t even remember saying that.”
“I hope that doesn’t mean you say things that you don’t mean to your fans.”
“No that’s not it. It’s just there’s too many interviews. It’s hard to keep up with them.”
Nodding my understanding, I continued to walk beside him. Deep down inside, I was experiencing a sense of happiness that I hadn’t really known. I felt an odd sense of ease with Jaejoong that I wasn’t used to.
It’s because we weren’t on the go.
It’s because he wasn’t walking fast, heading to god knows where while I went in the other direction heading to nowhere.
This was a first for us.
I felt very lucky.
The only sound among heavy chatter around us was our feet crunching against the fallen snow.
“Why are you smiling like that?” Jaejoong asked after a long space of silence. I glanced up at him in surprise.
“Huh?”
“You’re blushing…”
“Am not! Why would I be blushing?”
“That’s what I want to find out.”
Blushing indeed, and profusely so, I ducked my head coyly while turning away from him.
We walked to a quieter region by a bridge that overlooked a frozen lake. Leaning against the railing, Both Jaejoong and I looked at the fireworks from where we stood.
The feelings rioting within me were so surreal. So strong. What was wrong with me? Was it the fireworks putting me in some sort of idealistic mood?
I made the mistake of looking at Jaejoong. It was a mistake because my innards went insane, making me feel slightly dizzy and woozy all in the same breathe.
With the firework lights showering his face, they gave him a glow like he was some celestial being from up above. For some odd reason my throat became tight and my eyes became blurry. Not this crying thing again. I don’t even know why I felt like crying.
Feeling my gaze, Jaejoong looked back at me but I turned away just as he did.
“Hey, can I ask you a question?” he asked suddenly, making me look at him again.
“When’s the last time you were with someone?”
Jaejoong’s question made me stare at him for a long time without answering him. When his features softened I knew that he knew.
“Mimi…” I turned away in shame.
“I couldn’t bring myself to open up to anyone the way I did with you,” I confessed, hating the truth of it all.
“I’m sorry that I did that to you. I never meant to make you afraid of anyone,” Jaejoong said morosely.
“It’s not everyone else that you made me scared of…” I said nervously, seeing Jaejoong freeze from the corner of my eyes.
“You’re scared of me?” he asked in hurt.
Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard, nodded and started to walk off.
My heart. It felt like it was about to burst. Before I could get far a hand obtruded across me and stamped on the pillar at the end of the bridge. An arm was barricading me from progressing forward.
“Why?” even though he asked it so delicately I felt something inside of me break.
When I tried to exonerate myself by going the other way a hand closed around my arm and placed me up against the pillar. When I didn’t answer he placed both hands on either side of my head against stone wall. There was no way to escape now. Jaejoong’s pressing gaze made me lower my head.
“Why are you scared of me Mariam?” he asked quietly, tilting his head to look at me as he spoke.
I shook my head vehemently. “You’ll just say that I’m being stubborn.”
“It’s okay to be stubborn. Considering what you’ve been through it’s understandable. Come on, look at me when I’m talking. Look at me and tell me why.” when I didn’t oblige his hand left the wall to tilt my chin up but I closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“Okay!” I took a shaky breath. “I’m scared because—“I paused and swallowed hard. “I can feel myself going down the same path as before. Only I think, now it would be worse because not only am I hurt by what you did, but I just feel like the feelings are stronger. So when it’s over this time, it’s just going to be ten times worse. I don’t know if I can go through that pain again…”
Even though there was no response for a long while, I kept my eyes closed.
“Mariam…” he finally called out to me and was patient enough to wait until my eyes reluctantly opened. I saw on his face that he was truly remorseful and concerned.
“When I say that I’m never going to hurt you again, I mean it. I swear it.“
“You swore the last time—“ a finger silenced me.
“This is now. And I’m not the same guy that I was before. I was stupid.”
“So you hadn’t meant what you said then?”
“I had. But I was selfish. I wanted it all. I wanted the world.”
“And you have the world...”
“Forget the world.”
I wanted to believe him. God how I wanted to. I’m sure he might’ve wanted to believe his words too. But the type of world we lived in wasn’t certain. Experience had shown me that.
“A-are you sure you’re not just saying these things because of the kids?”
“Huh?” he was clearly taken aback.
I laughed nervously. “I feel like now you only say these things because I gave you your first kids. And because you have the time to come up with things like this. I don’t feel like you’re saying this because of me. I wasn’t enough before. How can I be enough now?”
I dared not raise my head. I could picture him rolling his eyes. I waited for him to say ‘forget it’ and just move on.
But when big hands cupped my face with thumbs tilting my chin to face him, I saw desperation in his eyes that I had seen our first night together, when he told me that he would always and forever love me.
“As much as I love our kids, the type of love I have for you is different,” he sighed heavily. “Okay, I was never good at this, finding the right words. I may write songs and poetry, but the moon and stars have nothing to do with what I feel for you. So count romantic speeches out.”
I let out a faint laugh and he smiled sadly.
“I could try come up with the most unique, memorable way of telling you how you make me feel, but even that wouldn’t be enough. So I’m going to be simple and honest with you in the best possible way. And I can only do that in three words. And I think you know what those three words are,” he paused, looking at me directly in the eye. “I love you. That’s all that I can say,” his voice dropped to a whisper as he lowered his head. “I love you.”
“Jaejoong…” I said, my eyes watering fiercely. Without wasting another second, he crushed his lips onto mine, kissing with fervor. I kissed him back with just as much.
When we pulled back Jaejoong pressed our foreheads together, holding my head steadfastly in his hands.
“I’m to the point where I can’t walk away from you. Leaving at this point is not an option.”
My heart was aching.
Jaejoong and I stayed this way before finally letting the strong tidal waves of emotion pass. Then we continued walking along the bridge that I was trying to run away from. Upon my request we sat down. Unlike him I didn’t have the strength to walk for miles and miles on end.
As we sat and talked about our plans for the New Year, an elderly couple walked past us. The sight of them made me smile. They were holding hands, taking baby steps without a care for the world.
“Can you believe that’ll be us some day?” Jaejoong suddenly asked, letting me know that he had seen the same thing. His question sent an odd feeling through me. I was then mindful of the necklace he gave me tucked under my clothes.
“Let’s just do us for today,” I found myself murmuring lowly while nervously tucking some hair behind my ear.
“Huh?”
“I said I hopefully,” I told him instead.
“Hopefully?” Jaejoong shook his head insistently while standing up. “No. We’re going to make it happen. It’s not hope. It’s a sure thing.”
“What do you mean?” I tilted my head back to look at him.
“We have control over our own destiny right?” he asked and I could tell on his face that he thought the question was silly but he still believed in it.
“What are you talking about?” I scrunched my face up.
“Come on,” he goaded. “Answer the question.”
“I guess so…”
“So we have to make it happen. No excuses right now. First step is to make you stop being scared of me.”
“What? How?”
Without answering me, Jaejoong grabbed my hand and started leading me to unknown place once again. My queries of where he was taking me went unanswered.
We were back where the throngs of people streamed the resort until we came in front of what looked to be a tattoo shop. Even though I was still cautious, I followed him inside. Jaejoong was the one obsessed with getting tattoos and I surmised he just wanted me to see him getting one.
When we got in he asked them if they did tattoos and when they verified that they did, he said that I would like one. I looked at him like he had an extra head growing out of his neck.
“What?!” I shook my head hastily. “N-No. Don’t listen to him. I don’t do tattoos.”
“Come on Mimi,” Jaejoong intercepted with an exhausted shifting of his weight to one side.
When I shook my head he sighed heavily. Then when I made to escape, he caught a hold of my arms and made me face him.
“Think about it like this, you’re getting over your fear not just for me, but other things as well. You never relax. You’re always so uptight. Think of it as a new way to start the year.”
“I don’t know,” I was still very reluctant. “I mean, I’m getting older. I’m still a mother and—“
“Just cause you’re a mother it doesn’t mean that your life is over.”
Jaejoong’s words struck me hard. I remained hesitant for a long while. There was so much hope brimming on Jaejoong’s face as he stared at me. I knew that was his way of pressuring me. And it was working.
I thought about it a bit more. When Jaejoong mouthed ‘please’, I was sold.
“I can’t believe what I’m about to agree to do…”
A beaming smile cut Jaejoong’s face, “So you’re getting one?”
“I don’t really know what I should get…” I shyly pulled on the hem of my sweater.
“Hmmm…” Jaejoong hummed thoughtfully while examining the advertised tattoos on the wall. “Let’s see…”
I thought long and hard. I knew that I wanted Jin and Hye’s names and I told him that, but I wanted something more. Something hidden.
The minutes that went by made me thoroughly discouraged.
“Yah! I got it!” Jaejoong yelped abruptly.
“What?”
“Always and forever,” he said suddenly, his face bright like a light bulb had switched on in his head. I returned his brightness dully.
“Just because that used to be our saying doesn’t mean I should get something as lame as that,” I said dryly.
“No no. I was looking at that symbol on the wall,” he pointed at a poster with kanji calligraphy on it. “That one right there stands for love right?”
“I think so.”
“So you get the kanji and beneath it, have ‘Always in my heart’ written beneath it. On each side of the kanji you can have one of the kid’s names on there. That way it will be like you’re saying you love Jin and Hye and that they’ll always be in your heart.”
Jaejoong’s idea sounded appealing the moment he’d said it. The artist standing by the counter had been listening intently while drawing a vague sketch of what he imagined the tattoo would look like. When he showed it to us we were both impressed but Jaejoong pointed out a few things to be changed. And those changes actually turned out to be for the better.
“So are you going to do it?” Jaejoong asked excitedly.
I gnawed on my bottom lip apprehensively, “I don’t know. It looks like it will hurt.”
“Everything that’s worth it in this world hurts. Come on.”
“I don’t know Jaejoong…”
His tongue darted to the corner of his lips as he stared at me thoughtfully.
“Okay, I got it. We didn’t get to use the word ‘Forever’ right? so how about I get the same thing, with Jin and Hye’s names and the love kanji symbol too. But my quote will say, Forever in my soul.”
“Wouldn’t people be too speculative?”
“I don’t care,” turning back to the tattooist, Jaejoong told him what he wanted on his and made it to his liking. When the tattooist was done beautifying both the tattoos, I realized that they were actually matching tattoos only with different phrases. When we nearly agreed to get the tattoos, Jaejoong stopped the artist to add one more thing. He instructed him to drawing a chain curling attractively from the bottom of my quote with a lock attached to it. Jaejoong’s had the same chain, only a key was attached to his.
The artist made Jaejoong’s thoughts come to life in the most outstanding way. It sounded like too much but he’d managed to give it a simple, yet complex aura that grabbed ones attention and made them wonder what lay behind it.
By then my nervous jitters were joined by excited ones. In highschool and college when all my friends were getting tattoos I was busy watching from the sidelines. Now here I was, acting crazy because of the guy beside me.
We decided to get them done on our wrists, right beneath our palms. I got it on my write and Jaejoong got it on his left. Still a bit afraid, Jaejoong went first to assure me that it was all going to be okay. When his was done and I saw how magnificent it looked, I was motivated to get mine done.
Jaejoong held onto my hand throughout the entire experience. It really did hurt, but after a while of Jaejoong coaching me and me telling myself to calm down, it didn’t hurt so bad. And by the time it was over and done with I was more than proud of myself for overcoming that part of fear in me.
Once the tattoos were done, Jaejoong and I left after me and him had an argument about who was going to pay for what. This time I won him out and paid for both tattoos. When we stepped back out into the cold air I let out a surprised laugh at the insanity of what I was doing.
“This is insane Jae! What have I done?” I asked Jaejoong, lifting my sleeve to admire the tattoo.
“You’ve lived a little that’s what.” he removed one hand from his pockets and held it out to me. I reached out and grabbed it immediately.
When we fell into step together, going back to the hill where we’d abandoned everyone, my spirits were soaring. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a great time.
“You know why I told him to put the Kanji symbol in there right?”
“You explained. It means ‘Love’ for Jin and Hye right?”
“Not just that. To me it represents you. I knew you’d die before ever getting matching tattoos. So another way of reading the tattoo is Mariam, Forever in my soul,” he glanced at me. “Yours reads as Jaejoong, Always in my heart.”
At my shocked expression, Jaejoong chortled softly and playfully yanked the hem of my skullcap low over my eyes. “The kanji symbol of love represents us, slow poke.”
I’d actually stopped walking to gaze up at Jaejoong in surprise, wondering if he was really one with this earth. How could he be so thoughtful? Was this real?
“Jaejoong…” I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m a genius right?” he raised his brows and I smiled becomingly, letting my head rest on his arm as we walked hand in hand.
“You are. I’ll treasure this always and forever,” I said.
“Weren’t you the one talking about lame phrases earlier? That was so whack Mariam.”
All I did was pinch his side to make him beg for forgiveness.
“Can you believe it?!” I asked him, still in shock and he chuckled.
“I know right? Our first date. Perfect.”
Jaejoong’s words made me come up short. “Huh?”
Keeping his face straight ahead while still walking, I caught a smirk of mischief on Jaejoong’s face.
“What did you say?” I asked, trying to catch up with him.
Spinning around, Jaejoong shrugged with a proud look on his face.
“Hey, what did I say? I wouldn’t have to force you on a date. It was just bound to happen.”
There was a wicked smile of victory from Jaejoong that said he was amused by the shock that paralyzed my face. He even had to bite his bottom lip to keep him from laughing and when that didn’t work, he put one hand over his mouth as he laughed and turned away from me.
All that while he wasn’t aware of the sudden tears that had rushed to my eyes.
Willing myself not to cry, I chased after Jaejoong and playfully swatted him on the back of his head while he laughed, vowing to never apologize. He even went as far as to create what his punishment should be—which was to give me a piggy-back ride all the way back to where everyone else was.
The last time I’d been this happy was…never.
Which was why I never foresaw the troubles that were approaching with an invisible speed demon’s vastness.