| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Oh Vivian I’m so sorry I’d forgotten to mention my thanks for those Jessica Michibata pictures. Thank you!
Now its time to get this party started lol
Chapter 28
Mariam
After making the kids were in bed, I decided to go make a cup of tea. I was feeling a bit woozy and I blamed it on being out in the cold too long. My tattoo still ached a little bit but I assumed those were the after effects.
Everyone else retired and went to bed, but when I went to the kitchen and saw a dull glow from the living room I went there to see if someone was still up.
And someone was.
I nearly let him know that I was there when I saw that he was engrossed in something. Sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, Jaejoong watched the laptop placed on his lap. He was watching a taping of the guys in concert. My heart twisted and turned, leaving me with guilt.
I stood there and watched along with him up until he sighed heavily, closed the laptop and placed it aside.
The only sound for many seconds was the crackling of fire from the furnace where it writhed. Raising his knees, he looped his arms loosely around his legs and watched the fire.
“Hey stranger,” I said quietly before sitting beside, hugging my legs close to my body and watching the fire too.
“Hey, you’re still up?” he asked distractedly.
“You miss them don’t you?”
Jaejoong blinked at me in surprise. “Huh?”
“The only life that you’ve ever known.” I sighed heavily.
Jaejoong looked just about ready to give me a pleasant answer before he closed his mouth and looked back at the fire.
“Yeah. I miss it all,” he admitted.
“I’m not asking you to give your career up you know?”
“I know,” Jaejoong was thoughtfully quiet for a while before speaking. “Am I wrong for feeling guilty?”
“About what?”
“The fans. Like I’ve betrayed them. It’s always in the back of my head. Sometimes I feel like when I’m leading a ‘normal’ life that I’m lying to myself. That I’m not supposed to have such things as families or relationships.”
His confession shocked me, but I was glad that he was honest.
“Both of you, all of you actually, just have a passion that has bordered on an obsession. Like I think this whole pairing thing, it’s become some sort of obsession. To the point where they can’t picture you with women. So you having kids will be really odd…” the prospect of them being with anyone that the fans weren’t familiar with was unimaginable. I guess them having a life outside of being a star seemed peculiar. Peculiar but intriguing enough to have outsiders digging in.
“An obsession? How so?” Jaejoong asked.
“I mean, I don’t think you understand how strongly they believe in you guys coupling with each other. They wouldn’t accept anything but that. To tell you the truth, as a fan of yours, I kind of would much rather you be with one of the members than a woman we don’t know about.”
Jaejoong laughed at the absurdity of it all.
“That’s kind of insane though, don’t you think?”
“It is. But it’s true. Seeing you with a girl is like seeing you trying to kiss a frog—well never mind. Seeing you do that would actually be more normal than seeing you with a woman.”
Jaejoong laughed.
“I guess we just have to keep this a secret for as long as possible though,” I said thoughtfully. Jaejoong remained quiet for a while.
“What you’re saying kind of worries me.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s sides to me that my fans don’t know about. Like how I can be a heavy flirt. Or that sometimes when they see me on the street and basically stalk me, they don’t know that it’s a girl I could be talking to on the phone. Things like that.”
“You dated while we were broken up right?” I asked bitterly. Jaejoong hesitated.
“Yeah. I tried. It was a waste of time though. I was just trying to pass time, even though I didn’t have time.”
“That’s kind of ironic though,” I said with a laugh, forcing myself to get over his admitting that he’d dated while we were parted. “They have no idea, yet it’s almost like they know you so well.”
“That’s the problem, they think they do. Before I used to pride myself in keeping secrets from them. But as we got bigger, I’d start feeling guilty about keeping things from them. It’s so irrational, but after a while, I guess if you’re not strong minded, it starts to mess with you mentally. Because I felt like everything that I touched, everything that I ate, every new magnificent place that I saw, was because of the fans. Had it not been for them, who knows what I’d be doing now? Where I’d be?”
“It must be a very confusing thing.”
“It is. And it’s a shame. I’ve never talked about this to anyone other than Yunho. But even from him I get the impression that he thinks I’m complaining.”
“You’re not. You’re just telling what you feel. It’s okay to talk about your true feelings sometimes.”
It seemed like Jaejoong was on a roll because he began talking about a lot. I didn’t mind at all. In fact I was grateful that he was getting this off of his chest.
“And the way the fans get so excited about our brotherhood, it’s nice. We play off of that, even the whole pairing thing. It’s all fun and games. It’s for the cameras. Sometimes our management encourages it just to keep our fans on the edge of their seats. But sometimes I forget how much the fans want it. Hell, there was even a time I was confused about what I truly wanted because of it.”
“Yeah, I remember that.” When he was younger, there was a short period of time Jaejoong revealed he was a bit unsure of his orientation. It was in the earlier days following their debut. He and the guys all lived together. At that time, dating or having steady girlfriends was out of the question. There was no time for that anyway. Between rehearsals, screenings, intense media training skills, and for some of them, school work, having a girlfriend seemed impossible. Also during that time, as the whole pairing phenomena rose he got confused for a while. He said if it hadn’t been for Yunho’s simple words then he might’ve still been confused today. All Yunho said was, ‘Be true to yourself’, and from then on he told me how he tried so hard not to lose himself in the hype. Not just from fans themselves, but their celebrity lifestyle of drugs, sex, and alcohol. Even though most of the Kpop culture evokes their stars as saintly and pure, there were still many evils lurking in the background.
“It was so weird,” Jaejoong continued, “And I learned through what Yunho said that I was letting the fans dictate my life. But at the same time, how can I not?”
Turning my head, I looked to find him staring pensively at the ceiling.
“I owe them everything,” he said.
“There’s one thing you don’t owe them Jaejoong and that’s your life.” And the same went for his fans. There was a line that had to be drawn. The cycle had to stop. But it wasn’t going to. DBSK’s fans weren’t the first. They weren’t the only either.
“I don’t know. It’s just, it’s hard to explain. Nevermind.” He said while shifting postures and laying supinely on the carpet. I watched him for a while and it looked like there was still a lot on his mind. Following pursuit, I too lay down on the carpet and watched the ceiling like he was doing.
“Come on, try me,” I goaded.
He hesitated but finally came around. “It’s like, in their eyes I’m one way. Or they want me to be one way. Or I present myself one way. And it’s almost like…”
“Like what?”
“Like an inner conflict. I love my fans dearly but I find myself sometimes fighting with myself and the person they expect me to be. It’s not always like that though. I like to think that I’m usually myself. But lately , it’s just been so much. These weeks I’ve had off are showing me sides of myself that I didn’t know about. Hye and Jin are making me learn new things about myself and life that I hadn’t paid attention to before.
“I usually don’t think about it that much but sometimes I find myself wondering if I’m living my life according to what they would want. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lost myself because of giving too much of myself to them.”
“But you chose this lifestyle you know…”
“I know. Which makes me even more confused. Like, why can’t I just accept it sometimes?”
“Because you want freedom. As a fan of yours I guess it’s safe to say that sometimes we hold you guys prisoner. DBSK isn’t just a musical group I guess, you guys are like a moment. A beautiful moment that we want to last forever. So we keep holding on. And whenever changes come, like you guys getting into relationships, or growing up and wanting to pursue different things in life, we feel threatened I guess. And the older we become, the more intimidating change becomes. Like you were saying, seeing you with another woman is just so repugnant in their eyes. It’s almost impossible to them. And you guys are marketed as these saintly, pure men with no flaws.”
“And it makes me wonder, do they love me for me? Or for who I’m marketed as.”
“Both. They love you for both. I think they love you more when they find out that you do have flaws because that lets them know that you’re still human.”
He remained quiet for a while. I tried to tell him something encouraging.
“Jaejoong, you’ve been blessed. Just enjoy this while it’s here. Life is too short. ”
“But…things are changing…I don’t know…”
“Well then guess what, they’re changing for the better mister.”
He smiled faintly. “What would I do without you?”
The question made me panic for a while. I hated to behave like Mr. Grumpy, but I couldn’t help but frown.
“A whole lot of stuff,” I said ruefully, thinking of the video he was just watching. Had it not been for me he wouldn’t have to be dealing with this.
“Want to know a secret?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah.”
He looked me squarely in the eye as he asked me one of the most touching questions I’d ever been asked.
“You know you’re my best friend right?”
~0~0~0~
“I can’t help but feel guilty. They’re all being so nice about it but I know it’s difficult for them,” I said to Jaejoong while pouring coffee into a mug and handing it to him. The next morning everyone had slept in late. I was the first one to wake up because my head ached ferociously. I was burning and freezing all at once. I feared that I was going through another high fever.
But I made sure not to tell anybody and sway the attention from me at all costs.
“I know. I feel the same way.”
We both shared a frown. Yes, yesterday had been all clean fun and sweet smiles, but that’s because the kids were at close distance. Had they not been there, fangs and claws might have sprung out and attacked.
This was proving to be a bigger deal than Jaejoong and I had initially thought.
“Mariam, come here,” Jaejoong called me suddenly. Apprehensive at first, I eventually dragged myself to where he stood. Holding my hips, Jaejoong situated me in between his legs.
“Stop worrying yourself to death,” he said.
“I can’t help it. Even though I know you guys are really good people, you’ve all been trained well. You’re really good actors too. For all I know, they probably hate me.”
“They don’t. They love everyone that I love.”
I gave him a look that told him to stop pushing it. He and I both knew that wasn’t humanly possible.
“Look, just go to bed and get some rest. Okay?”
Sighing sharply, I agreed, and even agreed to give him a goodnight kiss before leaving. After brushing my teeth and changing into my pajamas, I felt the urge to get a glass of water. I stopped right before entering the kitchen when I heard some very intriguing words.
“I don’t mean any disrespect to her. She seems like a nice person, and I know I’m going to sound really rude right now. But it’s been nagging at me. I feel like it has to be said.” A long pause followed. “Something about her story sounds fishy to me,” a voice that sounded like Changmin’s said.
My heart stopped. My gut felt heavy.
“What do you mean?” I heard what sounded like Yoochun.
A long silence followed.
“How is it that right after her career died, she suddenly has Jaejoong’s child?” Changmin asked.
“What are you insinuating?” Jaejoong asked quietly, thus ending the stunned silence.
“Nothing. I’m not trying to start any conflict. But I’m at a point in my life where I can’t trust outsiders.”
“Outsiders?! Mariam isn’t an outsider,” Jaejoong defied.
“Hold on, Changmin didn’t mean it that way,” Yunho inserted, then sighed heavily before speaking. “We called Soon earlier this morning to discuss the issue with him.”
This was when I was reminded how much this trip had made me forget. The fire that coursed through my veins like wildfire was oppressive. I did all I could not to let out an audible gasp that would give away my presence. Simply hearing his name made me sick with fear.
“Yeah, he brought up some things that we didn’t really think about,” what sounded like Yoochun’s voice said.
Jaejoong still remained unresponsive. I couldn’t tell if he was shocked, scared, or just disappointed.
“The fact remains that we all don’t know her,” Changmin explained gently. “How are we to know that she didn’t trap you into this whole thing? I’m not saying that it’s true, but considering what we do Jaejoong you can’t say that it isn’t a possibility.”
Jaejoong still didn’t say anything.
“Please know that we’re not trying to patronize you or her,” Junsu said. “It’s just Soon really got us thinking. When you put two and two together the timing of it is just too perfect. She looses her career. Her home. Everything. Maybe she thought that getting pregnant by you would give her a chance to flee imprisonment from the states. And I find it odd that when we were talking to her about her past, she didn’t mention going to jail.”
“Would you mention going to jail to the very people you were trying to impress?” Jaejoong snapped.
“So you knew about her being in prison too?” Changmin asked.
Jaejoong remained silent.
“Maybe having your kids would give her some sort of financial support. Maybe she’s just after your money,” Changmin said.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“I hate to admit it but Changmin has a point,” Junsu pointed out. “The timing of it all is a bit too matching.
“So you think this is some sort of ploy Mariam is doing?” Jaejoong asked with an incredulous laugh. “Are you guys serious?
“You remember what happened to Yoochun? The girl who had plans to clear out his account?”
“Mariam has never asked me for anything, have you ever thought about that?”
“I think the real problem lies with the fact that our Jaejoong is getting close to someone else other than us,” Yunho spoke up. “It’s a tough pill to swallow for some reason.”
A long, tension-filled silence followed.
“It’s almost like she’s taking you away from us…” Junsu said with a sad laugh.
“Guys, listen, I’m not going anywhere. I’m still the same Jaejoong you guys know. You’re all still my brothers. No one will ever come in between you guys and me. But I want you all to understand that there is a life out there, a life that’s either waiting for you, or knocking on your doors and ya’ll just keep ignoring it. Trust me, it’s out there.”
No one said anything after that, and I felt a little bit bad for Jaejoong.
“Look, either way, the backlash is going to be bad,” Yoochun said. “Think about it. Even if she says that she didn’t tell him, people are still going to think that’s a cover up for Jaejoong being a deadbeat. And then she’s only going to have to deal with more hateful fans. If Jaejoong claims that he simply kept it a secret, regardless of rationality or not, there are fans who will feel betrayed.”
“So we’re not entitled to privacy whatsoever?” Jaejoong argued.
“We are but this is different,” Yoochun continued. “What you’ve been saying for the past four years, might all seem like a lie.”
“But I didn’t know.” Jaejoong pressed.
“And had you known?” Junsu asked. “What would have been different? You know the label wouldn’t have let you say that you were a father anyway.”
“The only way to deal with this is to keep it a secret. Not just for your career, but for you and the kid’s safety. Yes, we have some wonderful fans but they’re also very emotional. If they find out about this…” Yunho said.
A long, stiffening silence followed.
“This could be our downfall,” Jaejoong concluded. They all silently agreed.
To think that fame could reach such a critical point that merely connecting with another human being can be considered suicide.
It was a sad situation. A sad epidemic that wasn’t going to end any time soon.
“But so that it’s not, we decided to call Soon last afternoon to come up there so that we could all discuss what to do with Mariam included. That way we could handle the situation all in one go. He’ll be here in a few hours”
Those very words, though spoken simply, had prayed fear into me.
Without wasting a second or ruminating about what I just heard, I whipped around to gather my belongings along with the children’s.
We were leaving no matter what.