| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Sorry for swamping you guys with updates. I think I will start responding to comments in the comment section because this takes up too much space in the chapters.
Oh yeah, it’s about 10 to 15 chapters before this story is over. Or maybe even less. Thanks for reading =)
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Chapter 32
“For the first time in DBSK history, a concert was cancelled. The boys cited food poisoning as their reason for this. Youngwoong Jaejoong, the lead singer was supposed to make his first appearance after a one month suspension for getting a DUI. Dedicated fans across the country are expressing their worry about the young starlet men, as their actions have been questionable as of late.” The camera flicked from the news broadcaster to a crestfallen teenage girl.
“So what do you think about DBSK cancelling their concert?” the reporter eagerly asked.
“This really worries me. To be honest, I love DBSK and I always will, but something tells me that they’re lying,” she switched her gaze to the camera. “I just want Youngwoong Jaejoong, Jung Yunho, Micky Yoochun, Xiah Junsu, and Shim Changmin to know that your fans love you unconditionally. This means you can always count on us and tell us what’s really going on. As a full supporter of yours, I must say I don’t appreciate being lied to. We love you with honesty. And we deserve that same honesty.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t stand here and let her say that,” a fan from the shadows stepped into the limelight, making all the attention focus on her as she took initiative and spoke to the camera.
“DBSK, we believe in you. Don’t mind these fake fans who are always trying to make something out of nothing. We trust you wholeheartedly when you say that you are sick and all hope that you have a speedy recovery. Yes, we would have liked a show, but your health is far more important to me right now.”
“Oh come off it,” the other fan intervened. “Do you honestly think it’s the truth? How is it that all of a sudden the same day we hear rumors about a big fight at LN Entertainment the night before Jaejoong is supposed to return that they suddenly got food poisoning?”
The other fan shrugged, looking like she was caught in a rut. “Things happen.”
“Whatever,” the other rolled her eyes. “All I know is that they need to start telling the truth and stop thinking that their fans are stupid.”
“How can you say that about them?! You’re not a true fan.”
“What do you mean? The moment I’m not praising them I’m not a true fan? Please! True fans tell them the truth about themselves! They’re not perfect! They’re human beings just like us! Meaning it’s not above them to tell the truth,” she switched her gaze to the camera. “We know you’re human and you have flaws. If all these celebrities stopped acting like they were saints, maybe their fans wouldn’t be so skeptical about them and shocked every time they made a mistake.”
“Just keep quiet,” the other butted in before looking at the camera with a hopeful smile. “Just know that all your fans aren’t like this one. You do have true supporters like me out there. She’s not a true Cassiopeian.”
“If being a Cassiopeian means being a delusional person then I guess not.”
I cut off the TV, making the room resort to darkness. The darkness was immersive, and I couldn’t deny it. instead, I was drawn more to it.
I wanted to be far away from the spotlight. Far away from the things that I knew. Or the things I thought I knew.
This cancellation havocked a large dent in not only our careers, but our hearts and livelihoods as well. And when one really thought about it, I was the root of all this. Blaming myself wasn’t getting me anywhere, and I hated to impose self-pity. But I couldn’t deny this truth. And I had to take supreme responsibility on it.
To avoid suspicion as much as possible since make up wasn’t doing much to conceal Yunho’s wound, all the concerts for the next week was cancelled and put up for a later date. That was unheard of. And severe. Millions of dollars were flushed down the drain. Then we also had to reimburse these losses. The hectic schedule that would derive from this flicked through my mind like an obscene slideshow. Grimacing, I rubbed my temple wondering what in heaven’s I’d gotten myself into.
Listening and watching the two fans debate was an eye opener as much as it was an eyesore. I was warmed that they cared so much, but intimidated by the differing views. The one defending our honor made my heart ache. The one rebuking us for our lies made my heart shamed.
I was reminded of how neglectful I could be over the fan’s devotion.
Sighing heavily, I stood up on weak legs and walked out of my hotel room. We had become successful enough to rent out our own hotel rooms as opposed to sharing like we used to. Sometimes we still shared, because we were some lonely men and only had each other to seek companionship.
But now was one of those times when every one of us wanted some sort of distance. The altercation between Yunho and I had broken everyone else apart. This day, when the concert was supposed to be, was to be used as a reflective time. It was meant to be therapeutic. Meant to make us think real hard about what we were doing and where we were going with our lives.
Throwing a grey and white striped wife beater on, I walked out of the room with my head held low. Moments later I stood before Yunho’s room, staring at the gold numbers inscribed on the door. I raised my hand to knock at the same time the door flew open.
His expression altered from blankness to sadness at the sight of me. For a long time we stared wordlessly at each other until I finally opened my mouth to speak. Had I known that would prompt him to close the door behind him, sidestep me and walk off, I wouldn’t have said anything.
Feeling like my chest was being stepped on, I turned to walk my best friend watch away, acting like I wasn’t even there.
~0~0~0~
Even though it was three in the morning, I was still up, sweating like buckets in the gym. The punching bag was my foe, suffering the brunt of all my frustrations through wind breaking punches.
It was a silent night save the steady pitter-patter of my hopping toes as I prepped myself for each punch. It was a cold night, so the vapor of my frosted breaths filled the air as I exerted all my efforts into punching the bag.
Before my eyes, the one thing that I had invested all my life and my entire soul in was crumbling.
Before my eyes.
A guttural groan pierced the quietude as I slammed one more punch that robbed me of strength. But I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
I wasn’t going to let anything stop me.
“I wont,” I murmured before double-punching the bag.
“I wont!” I yelled to the misgiving world before striking a plethora of punches. Releasing the pain. Releasing the anguish. I kept going. Even when my arms burned like they’d been lit by fire, I kept going. And going. And going.
Until my body couldn’t take it anymore.
Weakened, I slumped onto the bag, hugging it while catching respite. The smooth leather was frigid against the exposed skin of my contracting chest. For a long time I remained in the same position, staring at the particles dancing in the shaft of moonlight streaming from one of the windows.
Once my lungs stopped wheezing for breath, I peeled myself off of the punching bag, caught flashes of what had occurred the past few days before punching it so hard that pin struck up my arm. Licking my lips, I trapped my bottom lip with my top row of teeth while searching the dark room for my bottled water. When I spotted it, I opened it and tilted my head far back as I drank eagerly from it, hoping to diminish my thirst. But it didn't suffice, and I ended up just draining the water on me from my head. The cool feeling of trickling down my hot body was exhilarating but not enough to do away with my sour mood. Sighing gruffly, I tossed my bottle in the corner where my other belongings were and walked to the adjoining restroom and flicked the light on. With my hands planted on the edge of the sink, I held my head low in between my shoulders.
Slowly raising my head, I looked at my reflection; I really looked at it for the first time in a long while.
It was hard to look at myself. As per request of the management team, my hair was dyed a few shades darker into a copper hue. But with all the water I’d drained on myself, it was darker.
I didn’t look like myself that day. I looked dark as opposed to my pale skin. There was a thirst within me despite the rivulets of water and sweat running down my body.
I felt lost.
Sighing heavily, I drudged my bare feet to out in the open, tried a few more machines before going where I kept my towel, another water bottle, and my cell phone. Grabbing my phone, I slid against the mirror wall, staring ahead of me while trying to catch my breath. Hiking my spread knees up and resting my elbows on them, I looked through my phone and went to my voicemail to listen to Mama’s message again.
“Hello Joongie. I’m sorry for not returning your call sooner. I was giving Jin and Hye a bath and cooking dinner afterwards. Then I had to go by the bed and breakfast to make sure that the guests were well suited. Mariam came home for a while last night, but left again earlier this morning.” She paused. “She wasn’t here for three days Jaejoong. And when she came back she couldn’t look me in the eye. I don’t know what’s happening to my baby.” Mama’s voice wavered like she was about to cry. “But please, whatever it is, save her. She’s just not the same…” her voice broke off as she cried softly. “I want my baby back. Please bring her back. You’re the only one who can…”
With my throat burning fiercely, I ended the voicemail call and stared blankly ahead of me for a while. Then I began to look through my phone at the other missed calls. During that time I heard the door to the gym open followed by some soft footsteps. Looking up I spotted a slinky figure with a heavy jacket and blue jeans. With the hood of the jacket pulled low over their faces I couldn’t determine who it was.
It could’ve been many things. Could’ve been a bugler. Or a stalking fan. Or a stalking anti-fan that waited to catch me alone so that they could stab me to death.
Even then, I didn’t move a muscle. My emotions were so overwrought that I didn’t even have the energy to care enough to protect myself. So I continued to look through my phone. Even when the footfalls got louder as the stranger neared.
And when they sat beside me and I smelled the familiar scent, something in me whirred to life. This wasn’t a fan—a fan wouldn’t sit quietly beside me without either acknowledging who I was or introducing themselves. A stranger would go about their business and work out. An anti-fan might’ve sat beside me to stab me from my side. So it could’ve been that type of a person.
But when the person spoke I was more than convinced who it was. And surprised.
“I guess it’s easy to predict that you’re mad at me,” Mariam said.
Many questions run through my mind. Like why she was here. Or how she knew where to find me. But I didn’t ask them. I was mad at her. Not only for leaving with the kids, but many other things.
Things that I didn’t even want to tap into because I was ashamed of myself for thinking them.
Without answering her, I continued to look through my phone.
She sighed heavily and when she scooted closer to me I didn’t move a muscle. Instinct nearly made me put my arms around her though.
“I’m sorry Jaejoong. I just, I panicked. I didn’t want to meet Soon. He makes me uncomfortable.”
I remained unresponsive and continuously looked through my phone.
For a long time Mariam didn’t say anything. We sat like strangers in the dark.
“I heard what happened.”
I stiffened, but didn’t encourage further discussion.
“Dae confirmed for me the rumors about the fight when I called and asked her.”
I was surprised to hear that she still talked to Dae when she’d abruptly stopped talking about her weeks ago.
Uppermost in my mind at that moment though was how this information could’ve leaked to outside sources so fast. But there were hundreds of staff swarming the headquarters. Staff that was excited to let their friends and families know the gory inside details that nobody but them knew. Friends and family that were excited to impress strangers with such stories.
We were like a circus to the world. All acting a fool for the spectator’s enjoyment.
“I came here as soon as possible. Changmin is the only one who has seen me thus far. He wasn't really happy to see me, but he's the one who told me that you were down here. know there’s a lot of anger inside of you, but hitting Yunho wasn’t the right way to handle the situation.”
I gave no response, though I couldn’t deny the tightness of anger constricting my insides.
Who was she to talk? Who was she to tell me what I could and couldn’t do? Why was I thinking of Mariam so coldly? She was somebody.
And that’s why I got mad.
Running away wasn’t the right way for her to handle the situation when we were at the resort, but she did it. Right situations aren’t always the easiest situations.
When Mariam got really silent, I didn’t bother to make talk with her—no matter how small.
Instead, I interested myself in my phone, even though it exhausted me of all the people that had called and left messages. They all wanted something from me. A cousin called, probably asking where the tickets are that she wanted to give to her friends—probably to sustain her popularity. I got a call from my mom. One from my sister. Others from staff and so forth.
I was busy surfing my phone when a new message sprung up—from ‘Mimi’.
I stared long and hard at the neon screen, wondering if I should even bother. And I thought long and hard about this new characteristic in Mariam. This relentlessness to be seen and heard. This was not like her.
Gnawing on my lip, I succumbed to temptation and opened the mail.
‘I’m sorry. One day already, and I miss you. Please forgive me.’
I blinked at the phone in surprise. This woman confused the daylights out of me.
Slowly turning my head, I found Mariam hopefully looking to her phone like she awaited a miracle to spring out of it. It was hard to see her face with the hood shrouding her face. I then realized that very jacket belonged to me from long time ago. I didn’t know if there was a message that she was trying to convey by wearing it.
Sighing heavily, I ignored her. Still, she sat close.
‘What are you doing here?’ I finally grudgingly texted.
‘I came to see you’ she responded within seconds.
‘Why?’
‘I felt like something was wrong.’
‘And you think you can fix it?’
It took her a while to respond.
‘No. But I can listen if you need someone to talk to.’
Mariam’s words made me pause. They moved me against my own will. I was at a point in my life when there was no one to turn to and out of nowhere she leaps out with plans to save the day. It should’ve made me happy but it didn’t.
It had me thinking, at the end of it all, why was she the only one here?
I didn’t respond to her because I didn’t know what to say. I also didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she’d gotten to me. It would make her think that I forgave her too quick.
‘I’m tired of texting, could we talk now?’
Stubbornly, I remained quiet. Really, there was nothing to say.
“I know that you’re skeptical about me, but think of me as a stranger who doesn’t know you, or DBSK. Tell me what you’re feeling. Or what you’re thinking—“
“Why should I tell a stranger that?” I finally asked. More like barked.
“Because with a stranger, you can be honest and inhibited,” Mariam said in an uncharacteristically small voice.
“Aren’t you supposed to be that way with your soul mate?”
What the hell was I saying?
Mariam finally turned to me. In the dimness conquering the room I could see that she hadn’t had any sleep. I hadn’t had any either, so I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her. But whether I liked it or not, I did worry what kept her up.
I hoped it wasn’t another guy. God forbid.
“Soul mate,” I mouthed the words more than said them as I turned away. “That’s a pathetic term isn’t it?”
“Jaejoong, tell me what happened?”
“Why superwoman Mariam. Are you going to solve the problem?”
My snappy attitude wasn’t normal of me. But it was definitely called for.
“After I sat there looking like a fool defending you, you leave when we’re all trying to work things out. Now you come back out of f***ing nowhere and expect me to accept you with open arms?”
I felt her surprised gaze. Usually I didn’t sass Mariam. I didn’t even use blasphemy. But right now I was frustrated. I was no longer within arm’s reach of the punching bag. She became my punching bag. I knew I was wrong, and because of that, I felt regretful. But I didn’t apologize.
I waited for Mariam to act like Mariam. I waited for her to shoot to her feet and tell me she wasn’t going to take me talking to her like trash. I waited for her to tell me that nobody talked to her that way.
I waited. And it appeared I would be waiting fruitlessly because those words never made it out of her.
Instead she sat docilely beside me at took it.
Without even wanting to find myself in the situation, I’d been thrown into what I liked to call ‘a moment’. That moment, that place, for people like me and people like her, who are inevitably tied together by fate. That undeniable purgatory that lets you know full throttle that whether you like it or not, the person beside you is what they call ‘the one’. And they’re the one because they care. And because they care, they’ll be there for you even when you treat them like the dirt you walk all over on.
And for the first time in my life I actually hated Mariam.
I hated her because I loved her so much. And it was this love, this curse within the joy that would ultimately change my life. And I hated that.
“I understand that it’s a difficult situation—“
“You don’t understand jack okay?” I snapped, the pent up anger from the first day erupting with volcanic vitality. “You don’t understand because you’re not me!”
My angered voice echoed throughout the spacious room.
“Then make me understand,” Mariam suggested tearfully. “Isn’t that what your other half is for?”
I clumped my mouth shut. The words ‘other half’ were so ironic to me. Maybe because I was just stupid, I don’t know. But I always believed that my other half was my fans. That’s an idealistic thought, but it was my thought and it was how I felt. And then Mariam came along and sort of threw me off. I wasn’t supposed to meet my ‘other half’ or soul mate. I wasn’t supposed to believe in soul mates to begin with. All of that star-crossed lovers talk was just that, talk.
Without a control of my own, I started to tell her about Park Jong Hun. I told her what I saw. I told her what Soon told me. I told her about the argument Yunho and I had and what led me to hit him. Her reaction was expected.
“This guy is dangerous in my opinion. I think you should go ahead and tell the cops,” she said urgently.
“You don’t understand,” I told her quietly. She began to say something but kept quiet.
A long time lapsed as we sat side by side.
But I felt so strongly for the woman sitting beside me that it hurt. And there wasn’t a damned thing that I could do about it.
Except for accept it.
And it was this grudging acceptance that made me begin to release the unearthed secrets that I’d sworn to take to my grave. That’s another thing about the whole love situation that bugs me. All the things you swore you would or wouldn’t do, you do or don’t do them.
“There was a guy, one of the senior trainers at LN Entertainment that used to…” my voice tapered off because I couldn’t complete the defining words.
They were like a foreign language to me. I hated saying them.
Mariam waited patiently. Memories made rage gush through my veins.
“He used to…abuse me.”
I wasn’t explicit with my words, but I hoped that was enough to get my message across. The stunned silence that followed was blaring. I was reluctant to progress. I lowered my head, gazing at my phone before raising my head again and resting the back of it on the pane of glass.
Biting my bottom lip, I intertwined my fingers except for my thumb and index finger. Pressing my index fingers against my top lip, I fixed my thumb on my chin and stared straight ahead of me. The moments made my throat itch and my eyes sting. But I wouldn’t cry. Even though the memories were still too fresh and painful.
“At first I thought he was just fond of me in a big brother kind of way like everyone else was but…it started to get weird when he kept calling me pretty. Saying that I look like a girl. And then one day—“ my teeth sunk down hard on my bottom lip again as bile shuttled up my throat.
I was shaking like a leaf. Mariam was still as a statue. The pain was gnawing at me so sharply inside with its incisive fangs.
“I don’t want to go into details, but he hurt me in a way no man should hurt another. Touched me in a way no man should another. It went on like this for a few months. And I wondered why I didn’t just walk away from it, but I had nowhere else to go. Technically, I was still homeless. Even though Soon gave me a place to stay, it was only for while I was training. If I stopped training, that would mean picking up odd jobs again and sleeping in subways and alleys.
“This was an opportunity that I couldn’t let pass, getting into LN Entertainment that is, so I swallowed my pain and dealt with it. Not only because of that, but as a man, a young man, I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell anyone about it. Not even Yunho.”
I felt her eyes on me. Yunho was supposed to be person in this world that knew everything about me. My eyes filled with angry tears but I didn’t let them fall.
“Up to this day, you and Soon are the only people who know about those incidents.”
“Soon?”
I nodded. “One day when the guy had dragged me to the bathroom, Soon came in and stopped him before he could do anything to me. And he made sure the guy was punished and expelled from LN training camp. That same day Soon promised me that he would make sure no other person would come and harm me. And I believed him. And I begged him not to tell anyone about it, and he didn’t. He sought me counseling, and even acted as my mentor sometimes, but he kept all his promises.”
Miraculously I’d managed not to stave off the tears until they were no longer existent. All that was left in me was white hot contempt for that person who had hurt me.
“Jaejoong…” Mariam croaked out.
“Now you see why all of this is so difficult for me. Why turning on Soon is so hard. I feel like I’m betraying the person who saved my life,” I took a big, shaky breath. “He may be a money-hungry man, but he’s taken good care of us. I can’t just rat him out.”
The silence was filled with Mariam’s soft cries. Each whimper of her voice cracked my insides more than before. When her sobs finally subsided to sniffs, we sat in silence for a long time.
“I never knew any of this. I can’t believe it.” she whispered coarsely.
“I can see why this is tormenting you.” Her statement was followed by her hand snaking out to my wriest and pulling it in her direction. “But you don’t have to endure it alone anymore.” Swiftly Mariam interlaced our fingers and clung tightly with our palms connected. With her legs close to her body she leaned her arms against her lap. Kissing the back of my hand, she pressed it against her cheek. I stared at her, fathoming why she was taking my own pain as hers. I’d never really had anyone do that for me. Seeing her tormented with this pain made the tears rush back to my eyes. Even though the sobs had stopped, the tears continuously slid down the bridge of her nose, to her cheek and eventually to my hand.
Then she kissed my arm again and kept her lips there, the warm moisture of her breaths sending chills up my spine.
“I don’t mean to put pressure on you,” she said against my hand. “But I just want you to make me one promise.”
I waited for whatever she had to say.
“I’m going to be with you through this every step of the way. So whatever happens, don’t let go of my hand. Okay?”
Even though I knew that a man isn’t supposed to cry for anything or anyone, I couldn’t help it.
Swallowing hard, I allowed one tear to escape my eye even as I looked her in the eye.
She reached up and brushed the tear away. As I turned from her shamefully she clipped my chin and turned me back before burying my head in her chest.
“It’s okay Jaejoong. You don’t have to hold everything in. Someday you’re going to have to let it out,” she told me in a whisper, her fingers getting tangled in my hair.
I remained resistant to her even if she held me. But all the memories of the past came rushing in. Thoughts about the present opened up. And wonders about the future knocked.
And the fact that amidst all that, she was the only one here, made this strong emotion bustle through me, thus releasing my first tears since I found out the kids were mine.
Cuddling closer to her, the one hand in her arm clung onto hers tightly while the other reached for her side and held on just as tight.
I let out my frustration in her chest while she held me steadfastly.