| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Chapter 33
From the chaos back stage, one could hear the roar of excitement and anticipation from the crowd. Energy radiated heavily from the fans to the backstage where the rest of the guys and I stood in our spots.
Separated.
Everything about the entire week had been done separately.
Even rehearsals.
We’d spent the entire week rehearsing ourselves to oblivion. Never in our lives had practice been so rigorous and tedious as it was then.
The lack of communication was so overbearing it nearly suffocated us. Even though Yunho and I were on speaking terms, we only spoke in relation to the show. What really broke my insides was that he still helped me with the things that I’d missed while on suspension even after I’d struck him.
I wanted to apologize. In fact I did. But every time I brought up anything remotely related to the argument, Yunho would either cut me off or walk away. It seemed like there was nothing that I could say to resurrect our friendship. And that scared me. What was the point of continuing on in DBSK if my bond between the guys, especially Yunho, was murdered?
Sometime before the actual show began, Junsu had pulled me aside and told me to suck it up. He told me that the up and coming concert was meant for me to prove that I deserved to be in the group. He also told me that the rest were secretly hoping for his successful return but due to lack of communication. I was really touched by him telling me this stuff because it gave me an extra push and motivation that hadn’t been within me before.
Thoughts of Mariam ironically helped me strive some more too. That morning when we were seated in the gym all seemed like a far away dream. It was almost like she’d come into a nightmare that I was having, made everything all better and then left. I was surprised that she left so soon, but I understood why. She was still wary about the other members, fearing that they hated her guts and would hate her further more if they saw her lingering.
But after we’d both broke down and clowned on ourselves for being big cry babies, Mariam advised me to keep soldiering on no matter what. She said as hard as it was, it wasn’t just about fulfilling my payroll and making up for lost days. She reminded me that entertaining was what I loved to do—what I was meant to do. Again, her words and actions surprised me. This was coming from someone that used to secretly condemn me for what I did. Yet, because of her endless, though surprising support, I was filled with strength even if it was only a little.
My strength was surrounded by nervous energy not only of my own but from the other members. We had never performed with so much disunity in the history of our careers. Neither of us knew how this performance was going to go.
Nonetheless, as the saying goes, ‘the show must go on’.. And because of that, my heart raced faster. I thought it was going to give out. My stomach twisted and turned. I balled my sweaty hands into a tight fist.
Then, on instinct, I looked to my side where Yunho stood. As though feeling my gaze, Yunho looked back at me. The wound beside his lip had paled, but make-up magically made it disappear.
That was the least bit of my worries though. It was the look in his eyes. For the first time since our heated argument, Yunho looked at me with reassurance the way he always did whenever I wasn’t sure about something.
Then his lips, they didn’t really curl into a smile, but they moved from that sullen state into a cordial line. And when he gave me a firm nod before quickly turning away, I was filled with warmth inside.
Maybe he wasn’t forgiving me, but he was letting me know that it was okay just for this show—because he knew how much having a good show meant to me. It meant to me as much as it meant to him. And if that meant putting our differences aside, then so be it.
I was nearly moved to tears by his uplifting gesture even during a trying time like this.
It let me know that he was really going to be there for me through thick and thin.
“Okay guys,” Junsu spoke up above the raucous crowd, surprising us all into looking at him to find that he’d moved the wireless back-head microphone from his lips. “This is our chance to prove that nothing and no one can stand in between DBSK and what we love to do the most.”
Those encouraging words coming from the usually cheerful and sometimes ditzy Junsu meant more than I could ever explain. Hell, we weren’t even into the number, Love in The Ice, that always made me cry and I was on the verge of tears.
Even in the dim lighting I caught a suspicious glint in Junsu’s eyes before he blinked sporadically and smiled at us all.
“Let’s do this,” he said in English holding two fists in front of him. Despite our uneasiness, this made us laugh and we all finally solemnly agreed to do our best but not without our leader giving us one last boost of confidence.
“Let’s give them the best show ever,” he said while looking straight ahead and I couldn’t help but gaze at him with utter admiration.
A large croaking sounded as the moveable stage we stood on lurched upward. The screams and wails heightened to the tenth power when we burst on the scene with blaring lights and fireworks to assist in our mega-entrance.
Energy was blasted right back at us with so much impetus I knew that the guys were just as shocked as I was. Once we come up we were supposed to appear like these tough guys with our minds set, already knowing what we were meant to do. But the response was so grand that there was no masking our astonishment. By this time in our life, we had done more than a thousand shows, but none of them had ever begun like this.
I even looked to my side at Yunho, who looked back at me, mirroring my shock. I didn’t have to look at the other guys to know they were the same way. But when Yunho gave me another slight nod, I held my head back down and waited for the queue to start.
The show turned out to be a thousand times better than I thought. It was like magic. It was like stepping on the stage being faced by all these hundreds of thousands of people who believed in us was like a miracle. Since they put their all into us, we did just that, meaning we put our differences behind us if only for those few hours of the concert.
Despite all of this, I couldn’t help the guilt burrowed deeply. Still, I pressed on. There was even a moment when I was running across the stage singing with a mic in my hand. Yunho was the opposite direction. He too had been sucked in by the fan’s energy and was all smiles. It meant so much to me to see him smile after such a long time. And as we run across each other singing the lyrics to one of our more up-beat songs that required tons of stamina, I held out my hand to him, wondering if he would join me in what the fans called ‘The Yunjae Handshake’ or if he’d just leave me hanging.
Yunho’s smile softened as he dabbed my hand and caught it strongly. The crowd went wild and my smile widened as I sang while we held hands up to chin level, singing the song. The happiness was overwhelming but in the back of my mind I feared that this was just a temporary thing. Just a show for the fans. I didn’t know if he had truly forgiven me.
Junsu, Yoochun, and Changmin all put up a great show too. We just all connected, far more than we ever had. And I almost couldn’t understand this phenomena. But I knew that I would never feel anything like this with any other four guys in the world.
That was the night that really confirmed to me: I was born to do this.
We were born to do this.
I noticed later that night that every time I had a solo, the crowd would cheer with pronunciation. And I knew what it meant. They were forgiving me. And it made me so emotional that by the time we got to our last and favorite song, Love in the Ice, I was choked up.
The reason why this song was my favorite because of one reason only: emotion. That’s the only possible way I could describe the song. Everything about it was streamed with emotion. From the notes on the piano, to the violin that was smooth as silk, to the subtle undertone of base. And most of all, the lyrics and how we sang the song.
That’s why after singing the beginning rift, I lagged behind and was unable to belt the starting verse like I always did. My head was held low because tears had successfully managed to creep out of my eyes. This was not a good look for me especially when I’d promised never to cry in front of fans. Especially when I’d already cried more than a week ago.
But it was all too much.
This show especially.
Gnawing on my bottom lip, I noted the others giving me curious looks. Before it was the next person’s turn to sing, I cleared my throat and brought the mic to my mouth with my head still held low. I asked them to cut it. when they didn’t listen, I inhaled deeply, raised my head and glanced at the live band, signaling them with my hand to cut it and voicing it too.
A round of gasps went through the crowd, whom were all holding up light blue lights in their hands to match the blue themed lights on the stage.
I knew they were gasping and appalled because of my open tears, as were the rest of DBSK. With my head still turned to the back, I saw on the big screen that the camera had zoomed in on me.
The fans continued their steady cries and wails to try and understand what was going on.
Realizing that it was either now or never, I decided to say what was on my mind.
“Please, everyone, be quiet. I have some things I want to say,” I told the crowd with my head still held down. The majority of concert-goers obeyed but there were still those few unruly fans that felt they had to scream in the midst of silence.
When it finally quieted down, I used a few seconds to collect myself, wiping the fallen tears with the sleeve of the white shirt I’d just changed into before raising my head. If I was going to do this, I was going to look at everyone. Taking a cleansing breath, I began.
“I just wanted to say, that I apologize to each and every one of you—“ I was cut short when the fans immediately began to scream in excitation, having to wait until it died down. My heart rocketed to my throat when in the temporary silence, a couple of them screamed ‘We love you Joongie oppa!’.
Swallowing hard at the bitterness in my throat, I progressed, roaming my eyes through the crowd and making sure that I looked in the eyes of as many people as possible.
Unmindfully running the tip of my tongue along the corner of my lip raised some more screams but when I brought my mic to my mouth and started talking again, they quieted.
“I really want to say that I haven’t done this show without a conscience. I know that what I did was wrong. I do understand the dangers of driving while drunk. I know there are people who have lost someone because of reckless drivers who were drunk. And I just wanted to give my apology to all of those people and let them know that I promise never to endanger anyone ever again.
“But my apology extends further than that,” I paused, and was surprised by the silence in the stadium. I could even hear some of the fans whimpering at the front. When I looked at one of them, tears streaming down her eyes, I smiled wanly at her only for her to start sobbing even more while reaching up for me.
Sighing heavily, I looked up, focusing on the entire stadium. “What I did was unforgiveable, especially to my fans who have been here for me since day one. I feel as if you all are my guardian angels,” I gnawed at my bottom lip as I said that. And when I spoke next, my voice cracked with emotion. “And I mean that.”
The crowd cheered wildly. During that time, I saw one person approximately on the fifth row, who had to be the only person in the crowd that wasn’t screaming wildly. I couldn’t see them well because they had a grey hood over their head. And when I looked in that direction for a while the person suddenly held their head low. Another sad smile graced my lips. Probably a fan that was so moved they couldn’t express it.
The other fans had no qualms expressing themselves. It got a bit too much. I had to hold my hand up haltingly and ask them to give me more time to continue.
“I love you all so much. You all have been with me since day one. You all were with me before DBSK even started. I know because you were the angels that took care of me when I was all alone. And I thank you for that. And I thank you for supporting me during this experience. I thank you and I hope that I could somehow repay you for all of this support.”
The crowd gave their satisfied response. There wasn’t a dry eye in the dome. This must’ve lasted about a minute or so.
And when I shushed them, I glanced at the members for the first time since I’d begun my speech. They were all misty eyed, trying to hold it in. I smiled sadly at them all. Changmin bit his lip and just as a tear crept out he looked away. Yoochun kept his head low. Junsu’s lips were furled as he looked heavenward with his hands folded as though rolling his head back would make the tears sink back in. When I looked at Yunho, he was looking at me levelly, his lips tightly compressed but shaking. His eyes were glassy.
“And my brothers.”
That was all I had to say to have the crowd nearly crumbling the building with their screams. Even the earplugs I wore couldn’t stop the painful piercing that came from the screams.
I had to pray for strength before I began talking because I could feel myself nearing an emotional breakdown.
Once I knew I was ready enough, I took a huge sigh and addressed them all.
“There’s no one, no one on the face of this earth, that knows exactly what I’ve been through in this business other than you guys. From the days when we were strangers training, to the day when we first assembled as DBSK. You all know me better than anyone else. You know my weaknesses, my flaws. And I just wanted to apologize to you guys more than anyone else. You all have had to deal with me upfront. You’ve had to deal with the frustration. You’ve worked hard on my behalf. And I’m thankful every second of everyday to have been blessed to work with you all.” I had to stop because I was struck hard when I saw Junsu moving to put his arm over Yoochun because his shoulders were shaking as he silently cried. He had the hand holding his mic pressed against his forehead as if to hide his face with the other arm folded on his diaphragm. Changmin had his head low but I caught tears dripping from his face along with the sweat dripping from his drenched hair. When I looked to my other side at Yunho, I saw that he was trying his hardest not to cry but it wasn’t working.
We were all big saps having a cry fest but we didn’t care.
“We’re here crying like idiots,” I said with a shameless laugh, eying them all. “But I don’t care. We’re stripped. We’re unhinged. And we’re real with each other. That’s why DBSK are who they are today.”
The crowed screamed their consent. And this time when I spoke, I focused solely on Yunho.
“And I want to apologize, for everything that I’ve done up until this point. And I just want you to know that DBSK is always and forever. Nothing, and no one will ever come between…”
Unable to finish my statement, I held my head low and let the waves pass. Moments later a heavy arm came over my shoulder, drawing me into a hug. Before long, I noted that it was Yunho and I hugged him back with just as much fervor as he allowed me to cry on him.
The crowd went crazy. But at that small moment, it wasn’t even about the crowd. When the rest of the members joined us in a group hug, this was no longer about making money. Or about making history. Or even about making good music.
It was about saving and rebuilding the brotherhood that was responsible for making us the men that we were.
When we were all done crying like big babies, we still had an arm on the next person, the other holding onto the mic. This was something that I said to the rest of the guys, something that the crowd didn’t here.
“No matter what happens, no matter what changes have occurred, even when we’re eighty years old, DBSK will always be with me, because it’s DBSK for life.”
~0~0~0~
“Hey hey hey! You guys can’t be drinking soju in front of me!”
My halting voice was steadily ignored as Junsu passed Changmin a bottle, who accepted it as humbly as accepting a prestigious award. They knew damn well that I was trying to stay sober for at least half a year but they steadily ordered alcoholic beverages in my face. They reasoned that this was my punishment, and also a test to see if I could stand temptation.
Clouting Changmin on the back of his head as he accepted his beer, I threw a grape into my mouth while the rest of the guys laughed.
We were all seated on the floor, up against the wall in Yunho’s hotel room. The line went like this: Junsu, Yoochun, me, Yunho, and Changmin.
Because we were still so wound up with adrenaline from the best concert we’d ever had, and since we didn’t have a show to do tomorrow, we were all watching the sun rise as we feasted on room service from the five star hotel we were staying at. It felt like the old days. The old innocent days—particularly the day after we had our first concert. We’d all been so excited. We all stayed up to talk about our plans for the future as a group. We even did that now, and the sureness we had that we would continue to be in a group filled me with as much security as it did trepidation.
I still thought about Mariam and the kids in the back of my mind. Really, it was like a tag of war. But I tried not to let those thoughts ruin my mood.
It was almost like we hadn’t been avoiding each other all week. That’s how much we were enjoying ourselves. We talked about everything, ranging from how amazing the concert was to how much we missed simply from not talking. Well, we didn’t really talk about everything. The subject of Mariam was ignored up until Yunho brought up that I really knew how to punch.
Even if he did it jokingly, I still felt guilty.
“Come on guys, I feel really bad. I can’t believe I hit you man,” I said in distress with my head held low.
“Me too!” Junsu chimed. “I wanted to see that.”
While everyone laughed all I could do was give a half-smile.
“Do you guys really hate Mariam?” I had to ask them. The room got quiet momentarily.
“I don’t hate her. I’m just confused about her,” Yoochun said first.
“Me too,” Changmin inserted. “I didn’t mean to be so rude about her the last time. I was just regurgitating what Soon said. But what he said has still got me thinking. Still makes me skeptical.”
“Yeah,” Junsu began slowly. “It’s a bit weird how she left when we wanted to decide what to do.”
Yunho didn’t offer his input. I looked at him to find him looking straight ahead with a thoughtful expression on his face. I put my head down again.
“What if I told you guys that I was really in love with that woman? Would that change anything?”
For a long time, no one said anything in response.
When Yunho finally spoke, his words surprised us—me especially.
“We just need to get to know her more. Since she means so much to you, we should try,” he sighed heavily. “I think what messed with us before is we panicked. Especially after hearing what Soon said about her. I still have my suspicions but,” he paused, looked me at the corner of his eyes before focusing on the tip of his beer bottle. “Ugh. I don’t know how to say this.”
“I think what he’s trying to say is that since you’re our brother. We’ll try for you. But not without keeping what Soon said in mind though. You have to do that too Jaejoong. No matter how much you love her. Love is blinding. No matter how good or true it feels, don’t think that the person you love won’t hurt you.”
“I know that you guys would never hurt me though and vice versa. Why should it be any different with her?” I reasoned while looking sullenly at my bare feet. With their response of silence I knew they agreed.
“I think we’re just all still a bit wary and scared by the sudden information,” Changmin explained.
“I know. I really don’t want us to fall apart,” Yoochun said. “I think that’s the main thing that has shaken us about this whole situation. And I have to admit, we were kind of jealous of you two.”
Shock made me raise my head to look at them all.
“Really, it’s weird to see you closer to someone else other than us,” Yunho clarified.
“Guys, trust me. The bond we have can’t be duplicated. But the bond Mariam and I have is different. I’m not saying that it’s stronger, it’s just different. And I apologize for not involving you guys before. But I’ll try to involve you more in our lives. I swear. From here on out, no more secrets.”
The promise placed us in the comfortable position we were in before that damned night when I got drunk. We were almost back to the old DBSK. Almost. And because I promised not to keep any secrets from them, I decided that now was the time to tell them about Soon.
Junsu was busy talking about something when I abruptly disrupted them.
“Guys, the rumors about Soon were true,” I said, refusing to back down. I felt Yunho tense beside me.
“What?” Junsu asked.
I hesitated a while before revealing to them what I saw that night at the club. I told them in detail from everything I saw to everything that I heard. Silence followed that revelation. I wasn’t surprised. I felt all their piercing gazes on me in surprise, shock, confusion, and hurt.
Keeping my gaze on the grape that I was pealing, I continued glumly, “I couldn’t believe it myself. I still don’t know what to think. If it’s real. It was just so weird to see it. And then before dropping me off at home he told me to act as though it had never happened.”
A long silence followed. I could tell they were all displeased about it. And even a bit skeptical. I couldn’t blame them. To this day I still ask if my eyes deceived me.
“So all those times we thought we were being asked, with honor, to go to those shows, we just got on from bribes?” Yoochun asked. It was really painful to hear.
“I don’t think it’s like that all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that when we’re competing for a slot with other artists, then that’s what management resorts to,” I said.
More thoughtful silence followed.
“I can’t believe this. Are you sure?” Changmin asked. Before I answered, Yunho did.
“Jaejoong wouldn’t lie,” Yunho said, glancing at his beer bottle with a deep v of his brows above his eyes.
We were all so embedded in our thoughts, surprised when Yunho suddenly got up and walked off. I understood his anger towards the entire situation. I was the same way.
Just as I made to go after him, a hand stopped me. It was Yoochun’s.
One look at him was enough to tell me that I needed to give him space to let all of this sink in.
We all needed to let this sink in.
“What are we going to do?” Junsu asked.
The question was never answered.
Since I’d turned the mood sour once again, everyone dispersed to their own rooms to catch some rest and ponder over the issue. I remained in Yunho’s room, waiting for him to come back from the walk he had taken just to make sure he was okay. As I waited, I got my cell phone from my room and returned to Yunho’s. Ignoring all the missed calls I’d received, I quickly dialed Mariam’s in much need for guidance and strength.
The phone didn’t even ring before it saying, ‘The subscriber of this phone has chosen not to receive any calls at this moment. Please try again later.’