| Fan Fiction |
by Pseudonym
Thank you again for the support. You all have helped make this story possible! =) I hope all is well with you and that you all are staying healthy. I know I’m trying lol
Oh yes. The prequel To Be or Not to Be has been edited I’m trying to make it into a PDF file for anyone who would care to read it as one document or anyone who would want to save it lol I highly doubt anyone would do that though. Anyway thanks again I love you guys!
Chapter 35
Mariam
The moment I stepped into my mother’s house I let out a huge dispirited sigh. Jingling from Joongie’s collar sounded before I my shins were tickled by his fur. Sometimes I forgot about the dog because it was so tiny.
“Hey sweetie, how are you?” I greeted him, unable to pet him or pick him up because of my filled hands.
I was replete and cold and just wanted to lose myself in the warmth of my bed. Without bothering to turn on the lights, I advanced to the dinner table and placed my duffel bag and purse on it. Combing my fingers exhaustingly through my hair, I made to go to the kitchen for a glass of water when a voice startled me.
“Where have you been?”
The question made the hairs on the back of my neck spike up. The first thing that caught my eye when I whipped around was a glint reflecting the moonlight. It came from one of Mama’s highball glasses. Next I noted the gold liquid substance within the glass. Other than that, I couldn’t really see anything else except for a dark silhouette resting supinely on the couch.
My hand came over my chest, where my heart nearly broke through with its alarming beats.
“Jaejoong! You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that!”
It took me a few more breaths to calm—but barely. I was still a nervous wreck. First I had to find out what he was doing here. With him back on the road, I never thought of seeing him again this soon.
“Where have you been?” he inquired again, his shadowed head tilting to one side.
I never let anyone put me on the spot, but this was one time where I couldn’t exonerate myself from blame.
I was guilty as charged. Caught in the act. How I was going to untangle myself from this, I didn’t know.
Licking my parched lips nervously, I unnecessarily tucked some strands behind my ear. “I just went to meet a couple of friends.”
Jaejoong didn’t move a muscle for a long while. Even though I couldn’t see the direction of his eyes, I could tell that he was looking at me hard and coldly. When he did move I flinched. He only moved his arm and head to down the rest of his drink.
Swallowing hard, I pulled at the sleeve of my sweater, shifting agitatedly in my boots to try and play off the edginess I was feeling.
When he set the highball glass hard on the coffee table beside him I couldn’t conceal my startled jump. Lurching off of the couch, Jaejoong stalked to me on unstable feet. Just as I made to leave from his path, he grabbed my arm to yank me back to his body. Twisting against him proved fruitless because his grip was hard. Standing close to him I could smell the pungent scent of his cologne along with the heavy fragrance of alcohol on his breath.
His breaths stirred my skin, making it tingle.
Throwing my head back, I glared at him. “You’ve been drinking?!”
“I’m warning you Mariam. You’ve got one last chance to tell me where the f*** you’ve been.”
My eyes went wide at his choice of language. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me like that. For several moments I lost myself in looking deeply into his stormy eyes. They held lightning, thunder, and torrential rains—I could feel them.
“What are you going to do if I don’t tell you where I’ve been?” I asked testily, making his lids narrow dangerously as he leaned closer to me.
“I’m not playing with you Mariam,” he continued with forced reserve. “Where have you been?”
This was a first—Jaejoong questioning me of my whereabouts like I was some rebel without a cause. I couldn’t believe where we’d found ourselves only a week after the last time we were together—when he broke down in front of me for the second time since we met again. I once always thought that men who cried were emasculate and weak. But I never took into consideration the conditions that would drive them to tears. On Jaejoong’s behalf, his past was very painful. The fact that he carried all that weight on his back with a genuine smile on his face and a positive attitude at life made me ashamed for being such a complainer about my own life.
I was ashamed because he was a much stronger person at heart than I was.
Instead of telling him all this, I was spurred on by the agitation and nervousness that I was feeling and scoffed before bluffing, “Do you expect me to take you seriously? You expect me to believe that Mr. Nice Guy has become some sort of cool bad boy now?”
I really did believe he’d switched into some temperamental monster that would chew anything in his way. It looked like I was in his way at the moment.
Like everyone else who knew the truth about Jaejoong and Yunho’s fight, I was shocked beyond belief by it. It had me thinking that if Jaejoong could hit his right hand man, then he could hit anybody.
And I wasn’t a person fitting his favor right now.
Despite my mounting fear, I added snidely just to spite him some more for incriminating me with all his questions, “Are you sure you’re beloved fans will approve of this side of you?”
I knew I was asking for it. Because I wanted to be punished for the wrongs I had done—for the secrets I was keeping from Jaejoong. Secrets I could never bring myself to tell him.
Spasms went through Jaejoong’s jaw as he bored down hard on me. While I shook in my boots staring back at him, Jaejoong suddenly looked to his side. Releasing his hold on me, he reached for something beside us. Following his gaze, I saw his hand aiming for the duffel bag that I’d come in with. Gasping in trepidation, I reached for the bag but unfortunately Jaejoong was too quick for me. Grabbing the bag, he made to open it only for me to try and take it from him. Stepping back from me, Jaejoong held the bag beyond arm’s reach, his height advantageous against mine.
“Give that back,” I demanded breathily.
Watching me glumly, Jaejoong slowly walked to the other side of the table, dragging the bag on the table with him.
“Don’t,” I croaked out but was steadily ignored as he unzipped the bag.
He slowed when he removed the contents from it—deodorant, perfume, a shirt, pants, and some underwear. By then I’d succumb to the darkness and got a clearer view of the anger circulating him. I could feel it coming from him in waves.
When everything was out Jaejoong set his lips in a thin grim line, placing his hands far apart on the edge of the table. Training his eyes blindly on the table, he rocked back and forth slightly as if to control his rage.
I was stilled with fear because I had never seen Jaejoong acting like this in my life.
“Who is it?” he asked in a voice deeper than the one I was used to hearing from him. The question made me freeze. I didn’t answer him, keeping my eyes averted.
“Who is it?!” he bellowed, while knocking off some of my belongings from the table making me react like I’d been splashed with chilled water. Glowering at me, Jaejoong’s neck contracted as he breathed deeply and rounded the table, charging for me. Each closer step made me take a receding one.
“Huh?!” he demanded.
When the back of my legs struck a chair and I nearly toppled over Jaejoong, grabbed both of my arms and pulled me to him.
“Who the f*** has got you running away from me all the damn time!”
Hearing Jaejoong curse singed my ears and made me grimace.
“Don’t you dare raise your voice!” I whispered harshly. “The kids are asleep!”
He stared at me long and hard, his hard features relaxing a tad.
Letting go of me and stepping back, Jaejoong run his hands through his hair while eying me in disbelief.
Then he began to snicker while shaking his head.
“What?” I hissed irately, looking over my shoulder in fear that the kids would come running down the hallway trying to figure out what the ruckus was about.
When he finally raised his head, all the laugh in him was gone. “You don’t even know where your kids are.”
My hard face fell, conquered by panic. “What do you mean?” my eyes roamed the room searchingly. “Where are they?”
Looking at me squarely, he folded his arms and shrugged.
Thoroughly annoyed and shocked by his uncharacteristic behavior, I pivoted on my heels and whisked to the children’s room. I was stricken by more panic when I found their beds neatly made without them inside.
Turning around to go demand answers from Jaejoong, I found him leaning against the doorjamb with his arms still crossed. Despite his anger towards me he seemed a bit calm about his children being absent.
“Where are they?” I demanded, walking up to him.
Quietly, Jaejoong watched me through golden locks of hair that had fallen over his eyes. His full lips were set comfortably. The tilt of his head and languid posture of his body said he was the least bit concerned. But his eyes conveyed a different message. One that made me rattled and fearsome.
I may have been fearful of falling in love with Jaejoong, which was normal. But fearing him as a person was never like me. Nobody ever feared him.
So why were my knees so weak right now? Why was it taking all of me to stand upright?
Regardless, I held my head regally high and kept my hands rigidly to my sides.
“Where are they Jaejoong? I’m not playing with you,” I told him crossly, fighting the urge to break down in worry of my kids. Oh my goodness. I knew my disappearing acts were idiotic but I couldn’t help them. Now my children were gone and this stranger was standing before me.
He remained silent.
Brushing past him angrily, I stamped to my mother’s room to find that she wasn’t there either. Widening my eyes, I whirled around to find Jaejoong standing up against the wall with his arms still folded and one foot aligned with the wall.
“Where’s Mama?!”
“I don’t know, I don’t live here,” he said negligently and pointed at me before saying silkily, “You do.”
He could’ve just slapped me instead of saying that. Hell, it took all of me not to strike him.
“This is not a time for word games!”
“I agree,” he said coolly with a firm nod.
A string of curse words nearly left my mouth but I didn’t see the use in infusing all my energy on that. Tightening my hands into fists, I started down the hall only to be grabbed and reeled back. Before I knew it Jaejoong was in my face—so close that I had to take steps back so that we wouldn’t bump heads.
“Maybe if you were here, doing what you’re supposed to do, being a mother, you’d know where the f*** they were!” he pushed each word through gnashed teeth.
“Don’t talk to me like that!”I retorted.
“I’ll talk to you however the hell I damn well please!”
I was tongue-tied, at a loss of what to say because I knew I was on the wrong.
“You’re just drunk!“ I accused lamely.
“If I was drunk I wouldn’t be able to think so clearly to know that you’re not the person I thought you were. The kids are with their grandmother. She took them out to see her sister because staying here made them cry too much with wonder where their mother was.”
My eyes fell away from Jaejoong’s and my shoulders sagged. I’d turned my phone off and forgot to check it when I arrived. I knew my mother would’ve called to tell me, but I’d been busy…
“You’re filled with nothing but lies!” the rage quickly returned in Jaejoong’s tone. “Lie to me all you want. I don’t give a d*** anymore to be honest.”
The words stung.
“But don’t lie to these kids who stay up waiting for you only to be let down. You always claimed to be scared about me finding out about them because I wouldn’t be here, but you’re hypocritically doing what you said I would do. Three days! Three f***ing days Mariam!” Pausing for several seconds, he shook his head in disgust. “I guess I was wrong. I guess you’re just a really bad mother.”
Quicker than I could think my hand was flying up, ready to meet with Jaejoong’s cheek. But the meeting was cancelled when Jaejoong’s hand caught my wrist in mid-air.
Jaejoong raised a brow and shook his head. “Uh-uh. I don’t think so. You don’t wanna go there. You’ll regret it.”
A trickle of fear went through me.
“What are you going to do, hit me?!” I shrieked.
“You really think I have it in me to hit a woman?!” Jaejoong’s voice towered above mine.
“You had it in you to hit your best—“ I cut myself off before concluding my words. He didn’t conceal the hurt that claimed his features. The impact was so strong that he slowly let me go.
I turned away from him, unable to face the pain on his face. The last time when I heard about the rumor surrounding him and Yunho having a fist fight, I tried to find out as much as I could on my own but failed. LN Entertainment was guarded by warrior-like men and anyone who wasn’t actually in there only got the hesay shesay. My only means to reach them was through Dae. Despite our differences, I’d swallowed my pride once again and called her for information. She seemed surprised, but we kept it strictly business and avoided talks of our impaired friendship, focusing on the here and now. So she let me know what was going on. She claimed that no one knew in exact what the fight was about, but I had a small idea. Thanks to her I got information on their whereabouts and to my fortune Changmin had been roaming the hallways. Even though it was three o’clock in the morning I didn’t dare ask why he was still up. I couldn’t tell whether he was pleased or not to see me, but regardless he let me know where he last saw Jaejoong.
It was an emotional experience, that meeting with Jaejoong. I could only wonder what kind of rollercoaster we lived in that had placed us in this point.
“You know what Mariam? I’m really starting to believe what everyone is saying about you,” Jaejoong told me quietly, his face hard as stone as he slowly let go of me and stepped back.
“Good, maybe now you’ve finally come to your senses,” I said while wiping my eyes futilely because the tears continuously poured from my eyes. I turned away from Jaejoong as he looked at me in confusion and started for the room where I was staying.
An aggravated groan from an untamed animal sounded from behind me. “F***! Sometimes, I wish I never met you! My life would be so much simpler if I didn’t know that you existed!”
My heart felt like it was being lashed with thorny vines because of those merciless words. Instead of getting angry like I should have, I paused for a long time, letting the words sink in. Then I lowered my head and murmured a low apology before sweeping to my room.
When the door shut behind me I collapsed against it and broke down, weeping in my hands. What the hell had become of me? Of my life?
How had I made such a wrong turn that a man who couldn’t even tell the devil that he was evil said he wished I didn’t exist? I never expected the words to hurt me so much but they did. They did because someone had to drive Jaejoong to the limit, someone had to throw him to a pit of fire in order for him to lash out in such a manner.
And I had become that person. I had morphed into the unbearable miscreant that people wanted nothing to do with.
Gathering myself and trying earnestly not to cry because I didn’t want him to hear me, I pushed myself off the door, stumbling blindly to the bureau. Ruffling through the drawers of it, I searched for painkillers. My head was killing me and I couldn’t think straight. In my haste to get something for the pain I hadn’t heard Jaejoong come in. The moment he spun me around I was too weak to fight him off, so I kept my chin close to my neck to keep him from seeing my tear stained face. Normally I would have started pounding against him, but I was too weak. The past week had rid me of so much emotion and this argument was the tip of the iceberg.
Instead my hands pressed against his hard chest.
“Who is he?” Jaejoong demanded and I sobbed quietly.
“Please. Just leave me alone…”
“Not until you tell me—why are you crying?” he asked when he noted my tears, probably from the fat tear that dripped from the tip of my nose.
“I’m not crying,” I lied even though the craggy sound of my voice said otherwise.
We stood there awkwardly with my head so low the back of my neck began to hurt but I was willing to endure that pain so that he wouldn’t see my tears. The hard grasp he had on my arms eased.
Then I got confused when the tenseness of his chest against my hands relaxed a little bit. I became further baffled when a hand reached to wipe my burning tears.
“You don’t have a right to cry,” he said tonelessly and I nodded in consent, more tears gushing out because of his tender care. He stepped closer, this time weaving his eight fingers in my hair save his thumbs, Jaejoong pressed his lips close to my hairline. My eyes went wide, administering more tears a means of creeping out. This was torture. I didn’t know if he was doing this on purpose or just simply being Jaejoong.
“Stop crying Mariam,” he murmured, his lips skidding over my eyes, shutting them as he passed by them. If this was his attempt to stop the tears he’d only made it worse. Obediently, I nodded again, my hands now fallen limply to my sides. I hoped that my constant agreeing and surrendering to what he said would make him leave me alone because his veiled kindness and light kisses were killing me softly.
Cupping my face in his hands, Jaejoong tilted my chin with his thumbs. As my moved my head, twin tears run down my temples. His throat shifted as though swallowing hard and the hardness in his eyes faltered but only for a second.
Looking into his hurt eyes only summoned more tears to mine. Shamefully, I looked away from him and made to leave when Jaejoong suddenly trapped my trunk in his hands and effortlessly hoisted me, sitting me on the bureau. Before I knew it he situated himself between my legs.
My heart began to race chaotically. I was confused. I was still crying and I didn’t know why Jaejoong was wiping my tears. I didn’t know why I was being kissed instead of being struck.
He never gave me time to try and understand these things because he held my face in his hands and claimed my mouth, muffling my protests.
I was still and unresponsive as Jaejoong kissed me hard. His tongue didn’t take its sweet time exploring me like normal. It split my lips apart and ravaged through my mouth. It was no mystery that he was sending a message through this kiss. An angry message.
His kiss poured wells of emotion into me that only made me cry some more. My quiet sobs disrupted the kiss.
“Stop crying Mimi…” His voice no longer had its previous coldness. He was slightly imploring me to stop. But it was hard.
I had missed him. Oh how I’d missed him.
Jaejoong’s rough kiss stopped when not crying became impossible. He stopped kissing me and I held my head low as I cried before him. Then he made my heart ache when he slid his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Clenching my eyes tightly shut, wondering how the same person that I had hurt was there for me, I rest my head on his shoulder and cried, my hands clawing at his sleeves.
He didn’t say a word. His message was clear through the protective hold that he had on me.
I knew it was difficult for him to do this but the fact that he was doing it regardless was enough.
A long time passed while we remained arm in arm.
“Is it someone else?” Jaejoong quietly asked and I stifled a sob before shaking my head against his shoulder.
“Then who is it?”
My fingers curled tighter on the sleeve of his shirt before I whispered, “It’s me…”
It’s crazy because he’s the one who had initially broken my heart. Yet now I was the only one keeping us from having a second chance.
At my words, Jeajoong pulled back to look at me searchingly while wiping my overflowing tears with his thumbs.
“You’re still afraid…” he whispered with a heavy frown. All I did in response was lower my head shamefully.
Holding my head in his hands, Jaejoong pressed his lips against my forehead, then my eyes, then my nose, and lingered for a few seconds on my lips.
After being unresponsive for a while, I kissed him back.
And just like that, we were duped into an irreversible moment. We kissed slowly and languidly despite the pain that palled over us.
As the kiss got deeper, Jaejoong’s nimble fingers unbuttoned my shirt. My apprehensions started to collide with my emotions. Leaving my lips, Jaejoong lightly traced kisses down my neck. Fire raced through my veins, making it hard for me to fight the strong feeling. He feeling was so powerful that it caused my eyes to smart with tears. Haplessly my head fell back when his lips landed on my spot, located somewhere near my collarbone.
As good as it felt though, I was very nervous. I knew what was about to happen. But I was scared. I hadn’t been with a man since him. He’d probably gained more experience since we were last together. My body wasn’t what it used to be. I wasn’t the same confident person that I was once was.
As if feeling my anxieties, Jaejoong recaptured my lips. While murmuring for me to relax, he slid the blouse that I wore off my shoulders. I gasped lightly from the electricity that jolted me from the feel of his warm hands against my cool skin.
Before my blouse could fully fall from my body, I clung onto it, trying to shield my chest from Jaejoong.
Pausing, Jaejoong watched my trepidation. When hurt started to creep in his eyes, I knew he was thinking that I didn’t want him. Lord if he knew how many endless nights I’d endured thinking about him.
“No.” I shook my head wildly, my face dried with tears. “It’s not what you think. I just…I’m…oh…how do I say this…”
Jaejoong looked at me deeply. “What?”
Biting my lip nervously, I thought of ways to explain to him. Letting my head fall, I spoke as lowly as possible.
“I’m not…the same…I mean…I’m not…”
Tears welled in my eyes again.
“Shh...” Jaejoong shushed with chaste kisses while I cried against him, falling surrender into everything that was him..
We carried on this way, up until Jaejoong wrapped my legs around his waist and lifted me from the bureau. My arms clung around his shoulders to the bed and laid me gently on it.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Jaejoong murmured hotly against my lips, situating himself in between my legs. This time he fully rid me of my shirt, taking his time, asking me gently not to cry. I didn’t stop him this time because I was too weak at that point.
When my shirt was off, Jaejoong levered himself on his elbows and looked at me. His eyes were like warm honey pouring over me. But I held my breath. At my tensed countenance, Jaejoong’s striking eyes caught mine again.
I rolled my head to one side away from him in shame. And because of shame, tears rolled across the bridge of my nose.
“Damn…I can’t believe I run away from this…You’re beautiful Mimi…” he murmured in awe and I winced.
“You’re lying…” I croaked as more tears gushed. My body wasn’t what it used to be. Not after having two kids and always being stressed out. He was just being nice. Not pointing out the changes. Or maybe the darkness was working to my favor and he couldn’t see me.
But as I watched him, I couldn’t deny the passion in his eyes despite the pain behind it. His eyes were rapt and intense. He was staring so hard my skin began to burn. My heart palpitated with more pronunciation.
“Jaejoong…” I murmured nervously. I once lived for him to look at me because I was comfortable with my body but not anymore.
“Shhh…” he pressed a finger by his lips, his eyes roving over me. “Don’t interrupt. Catching up on lost years here…”
He could barely speak. He was so into staring.
Even in my tearful state, I couldn’t help but smile shakily, welcoming more tears to swim in my eyes. Goodness. This man was too much.
“Relax for me Mimi. It’s okay...” his hands lightly went up my flank until he touched edge of my bra. When I stiffened, he flicked his eyes directly at mine. I swallowed hard, turning away from him in shame again. Reaching up Jaejoong turned my head towards his and made me look at him. His eyes were pleading, inquiring me to trust him. When he knew that I saw this, pressed his lips against mine.
Smartly he used the kiss to distract me from paying attention to his hands as they warmed their way around my back to unclasp my bra.
Forcing myself not to be nerve wrecked about that, I dueled with his tongue in a raunchy kiss. But the kissing came to a screeching halt when Jaejoong’s fingers slid into my waistband to kill two birds in one stone by yanking both my skirt and underwear.
Heedful of my panic, Jaejoong paused, balanced on his elbows to look down at me.
“I’m so sorry,” I apologized hurriedly for my stubbornness. “I’m so foolish. Oh god, I—Jae I’m not good at this anymore. You deserve better.”
His eyes went wide with unmasked shock. At the realization of what slipped out from my mouth I embarrassedly looked away.
“Don’t ever say that again,” Jaejoong’s words made me turn to him. His expression showed how serious he was about his words.
“I’m just…not the same…anymore…” I croaked out pitiably.
“We’re both not the same anymore Mariam. Stop saying things like that. I’m thankful for everything I have. I’m thankful for you. The only one who thinks they’re not deserving of anything is you. Whatever it is that’s making you this way…yah, Mariam…don’t cry…please…”
Jaejoong shushed my sobs again with a kiss, taking his sweet time until the waves had passed. This time he made the promise that he would never hurt me as he slid the rest of my clothes off. I wasn’t worried about Jaejoong hurting me though.
I was mostly worried about me hurting him. But I kept those thoughts to myself.
Once fully naked beneath him with my arms rigidly by my sides, I lay in a nervous cold sweat. Holding my breath, I clutched my eyes shut as Jaejoong rose on his knees to look at me. He chuckled softly, “Look at me.” Stubbornly, I shook my head.
Jaejoong laughed softly at my coyness. Replacing his weight over me, Jaejoong run his thumb along the tip of my breasts until they grew stiff. Heat laced up my spine with a surprising speed that made my back arch sharply with a gasp just as sharp.
“Jae!” I moaned pleadingly. His response came in the form of a groan as he explored my breasts further. The nervous tension dissipated swiftly, making plenty room for pleasure. Only he could touch me this way and ignite such zest. My selfish weariness wore off also at the sound of Jaejoong’s rugged breaths. It was a sexy sound that aroused me strongly beyond my control, making me fall deeper and deeper into the whirlpool of pleasure.
The degree of passion heightened when Jaejoong closed his lips on one of my nipples before sucking gently like they were the fountains of life. His name leaped from my lips in a sharp moan. His deft actions caused arousal to shoot to the conjunction of my thighs with so much impetus my hips couldn’t remain still. But Jaejoong was quick. He stilled my hips with his strong hands, groaning throatily as he lapped up my breasts, swearing under his breath, telling me how much he had missed me.
My hands could no longer stay by my sides. They’d reached for Jaejoong’s head, clinging to him. He gave each breast the same undivided attention that sent me up and over the edge. My mind fled away from the scene, for it couldn’t take the heat. My body blazed with an intensity that nearly engulfed me at what he was doing.
“Oh god…Mimi…you taste so…”
When he suddenly left my breasts, I was bereft. I’d gone from pleading with him not to look at my body to begging him not to stop.
But it seemed like Jaejoong was still on a hot agenda as he kissed his way down the gaunt plane of my stomach. I was still in a blur, so when he parted my thighs. Rising on my elbows sharply, my eyes nearly popped out of my head as I watched him aim lower.
“Jae no!” I pleaded haltingly and he paused to look at me.
“I want to see you…taste you…” he murmured huskily, the lust in his eyes making my blood and womanhood buzz.
I swallowed hard, only realizing from a fallen strand of hair that I was shaking slightly. Oh god. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that he was here. My love. My Jaejoong. Here with me. Wanting to make me happy even when I…
“I won’t hurt you Mimi…trust me…” he promised quietly. Our eyes locked and held. And again, like expected, my eyes smarted with tears.
“N-no. It’s not that, I just…I want you with me,” I said, my cheeks blazing. It’s not that I didn’t want him to go there. Jaejoong had been there before and he was so good at it I’d once blacked out. But I seriously didn’t think my heart could take it now. I just wanted to hold him, and I didn’t feel it fair for him to pleasure me alone. He was taking his sweet time when in truth we didn’t have all night because I had some place to be…
Biting his lip in regret, Jaejoong finally capitulated. Smiling apologetically but thankfully, grabbed handfuls of his sweater and tugged at it. He knew what this gesture meant. Balanced on his knees, Jaejoong peeled off his shirt. My heart began to race faster. Eying me with mischief and adorableness all at once, he unbuckled his pants and unzipped them without fully taking them off.
The magnificence before my eyes nearly made my bones melt. My mouth went arid as a desert. My heart raced faster. Perfect couldn’t even sum up what lay before me.
The years had been kind to Jaejoong. Too kind and too generous. Hell, it wasn’t just the years that had been nice to him. The heavens were perfecting their skills on the human anatomy when Jaejoong was created. I swear, it was a bit sinful how gorgeous this man was.
While I appreciatively slid my eyes down his frame, I couldn’t help but get overwhelmed. Times like now made me question if he was really mine. If any of this was really real.
Once Jaejoong settled himself atop me, I nervously made a nest for him between my legs, wrapping my arms around him loosely. My legs trembled with the feel of his hot, hard member at the entryway of my womanhood, soaked with love for him.
“Tell me what you want then…” Jaejoong proposed, the passion and impatience woven in his voice.
“You,” I blurted without hesitance. Then added shyly. “All of you…”
When Jaejoong only stared at me with the same intensity in his eyes, I became more embarrassed and scrambled to leave the bed. Great. Count on me to make a fool out of myself in front of him.
Jaejoong didn’t let me go so easily.
“Mariam.”
I looked up at him, my hands now on his sinewy arms from trying to get away.
“You understand that this time will be different…right?”
I stared at Jaejoong wordlessly and he continued.
“After this, I’m not letting you go…”
My eyes stung and when Jaejoong stared at me with the intense look in his eyes I realized he was waiting for a response. I nodded jerkily.
Licking his lips, Jaejoong held my hips firmly.
“You ready?” he asked breathily. Unable to speak because of the tightening in my throat, I nodded again.
“Okay, hold on to me.”
I did so by locking my arms behind his neck. He suddenly winced and told me that he didn’t have protection and when I told him that it was okay he eyed me suspiciously before trustily nodding.
Our eyes locked and held as he breached my opening. I stiffened at the size of his girth, shamed by how long it had been since I’d had intercourse. Blushing, I averted my eyes from his which were now concentrated on where we were about to connect.
“Open up for me Mimi…it’s okay. I swore I wont hurt you again and I mean it.”
Gulping hard, I gave in to his request and parted my thighs further, raising them a little bit. Holding my derriere firmly, Jaejoong slid in one smooth thrust up the walls of my sleek womanhood, suctioning all the air out of me.
“Jae!” I cried, my nails digging into him, breaking skin on his shoulder and neck.
“Shhhh, relax,” he placated, pressing his forehead against mine to try and still me. But it had been so long. The pain was still too fresh. Revoltingly I flung my head from one side to another, thinking I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” he continuously whispered, raining light kisses on my face and wrapped his arms around my waist strongly to keep me still. “It’s okay Mariam, trust me. Please.”
Seconds passed before I adjusted to his voluminous member. When I’d stopped trembling and crying, Jaejoong stopped the light kisses and looked down at me with a worried expression.
“I’m so sorry Jae,” I began rumbling. “I’m so sorry. It’s been so long—I’m sorry—“
“Hey, stop that,” he chastised softly. “Nothing to be sorry about. Okay?”
I hesitated, feeling tingly in my toes because the feeling of him fully inside of me started to feel good.
When I nodded, Jaejoong stared at me studiously. “You sure?”
I nodded.
“You trust me?” He asked with a becoming expression that made my heart twinge.
Nodding, I wrapped my arms loosely around him again.
After making utterly sure that I was alright, Jaejoong slowly pulled out of me. My back arched. It was still a bit painful but the pleasure began to override the pain. As soon as the head of his member nearly exited, he drove back in slowly, making my back and neck arch while I moaned.
Jaejoong groaned into my ear as he slowly moved in and out. “You feel so good Mimi…”
“Jae…” I wanted to reciprocate his words but couldn’t finish because of a sharp gasp when he thrust deeply into me.
“There’s no one else, right?” he asked through strained breaths.
Unable to verbally answer him I nodded, clinging onto him as he gave me a pleasure that I hadn’t felt in years.
Gradually, Jaejoong’s thrusts sped up. At first I was unsure of what to do, of whether I would handle it, but the spectacular feeling of what he was doing to me stole me completely. Since we were lovers revisiting, it didn’t take long to relearn Jaejoong’s body and movements. I’d raised my knees to accommodate him and the groans he made showed that he was ever so grateful. It felt so strange to actually make him feel good, but it was certainly rewarding. Even though he had hurt me once, I found myself thinking that he deserved all the joys that the world had to bring.
“I’m…ah…going to take—care of you…” Jaejoong muttered against my neck, punctuating each word with a thrust that jerked my body.
“Jae…” I moaned helplessly, his words making the tightness in my throat return.
“No one…is ever….going to take you away…from…me…again…”
His words caused a damn to break and I cried happy and sad tears as he made love to me. With his faster thrusts, he’d managed to get deeper into me, touching a place that only he could find. The room was filled with heat, and swears, and moans, and gasps. I clung to Jaejoong’s sweaty body, unmindful of the love marks my groping fingers were leaving him.
The highpoint of our intense lovemaking struck me with tsunami strength, making me arch sharply. An earsplitting scream of Jaejoong’s name from my pipes infiltrated the room. As the intense waves of pleasure crushed through me, I shook and thrashed wildly beneath Jaejoong. Pinpricks of light flashed behind my eyes as the amazing feeling transcended me to another world. It was so intense, so strong that I was dizzied and disoriented for the seconds that Jaejoong burst into his own release within me.
Once the crisis passed, Jaejoong and I lay in each other’s arms in the afterglow of our lovemaking, both trying to catch respite. I wasn’t sure how much time went by—a second, an hour, the entire night—before Jaejoong finally rolled off of me. A regretful mewl escaped me, but Jaejoong calmed me when he wrapped his arms around me from behind. We shifted until I was resting directly on top of him.
“I feel like we’re in the eye of a hurricane,” Jaejoong spoke first.
I frowned. I knew what he meant. Despite what had just happened there were still many problems surrounding us. Still, the fact that we’d found solace in one another had been blissful and gratifying.
“Mariam?” he called out to me again.
“Yes?” I whispered back.
He was silent a moment before speaking. “If I asked you where you were going, would you tell me?”
I tried not to react, but my body couldn’t lie to Jaejoong. By me stiffening, I’d already sold myself out.
“You know I’m going to find out someday right?” he said.
“Yes…” I murmured.
We lay quietly for a while before Jaejoong caught a hold of my hand and raised it. Gently, he slid up my arm to my wrist, slowly rotating my arm. His fingers treated my hand like it was a delicate instrument that he wanted to play.
“Still have the most beautiful hands,” he murmured and I blushed, then a thought crossed my mind that made me feel undeserving of his affection all over again.
“Jaejoong?”
“Yes?”
“Remember how you said you always wanted me to see one of your shows live?”
“Yes.”
“I did and, I just want to apologize for how hard I was on you in the past. It was so amazing, I nearly died. I couldn’t believe it.”
“Wait, you were there? What concert?”
“The one where you made your debut.”
“You were there?!”
I nodded. “I wanted to be there when you first came back. I guess that was my way of showing you support. But I felt so guilty Jaejoong. When I see you up with the rest of the guys, I feel like such a monster. The bond you guys have is…it’s astounding. No one should ever take that away from you. I feel like I’ve…ruined things…”
“Mariam, the pregnancy wasn’t your fault. If we had to be at fault then it was both of ours. But it’s not a fault. Jin and Hye aren’t.”
“I know. The kids are a blessing. But they get along fine with the guys. But it’s just that…I don’t know. DBSK is—I don’t want that happiness to ever leave you guys. I feel like I’m a possibility that it could all end. If I’m standing in the way, I’ll leave. Things might be easier without me.”
A long silence followed. I didn’t know if this was because he agreed with what I said or not.
“Mimi, listen to me and listen closely.”
I listened while watching as he practically made love to my hand with his from the way he was touching it.
“Whatever happens,” he intertwined our fingers with our palms touching. “Don’t let go…”
My heart twisted and turned. I watched the strong bond of our hands before suddenly disengaging my hand from Jaejoong’s and rolling over until I was resting on top of him. I grabbed his hand again and examined both of our hands as our fingers interlaced again.
“I never thought I would get the chance to say this to you again but,” I paused hesitantly before realizing that there was no better time than the present to tell someone what they meant to you. Tearing my eyes away from our hands, I glanced up at Jaejoong and spoke desperately.
“Know that no matter what happens, I love you. I love you now, I loved you yesterday, and I’ll love you tomorrow. Please don’t forget that…”
By now I was all cried out, so I couldn’t cry even though my vision blurred with tears. My face pulled into a frown as I said those words, for they were the words Jaejoong told me four years go on our first night of intimacy.
I wanted him to believe those words though. From the bottom of my heart. I never thought I would say those words to him again.
But just in case things spiraled out of control, I had to let him know.
Jaejoong stared at me for a long time before spearing his fingers through my hair, he massaged my scalp affectionately.
"I love you too...but I'm not a fool. I'll eventually find out what you're trying to hide from me."